AIBU to be planning on leaving my Dh without him knowing

[InNeedO]

hi all name change for this one. marryied 4.5 year with 2 DC. Ds is 2 on 3rd July - i plan to leave Dh just after this. the reason i am waiting is so he can have one last birthday with him as a 'happy family' and it will also give me a bit of time to get some money together
dh has no clue at all i am planning this, i am leaving due to a long build up of moments. he is always miserable when he is with me and its got me fed up 24/7. he is happy with everyoneelse just when he is home he wants to do anything but spend time with me, hasnt said i love you in about 8 months, only had sex about 5 times in that period, im constantly walking on egg shells, feel so down and alone - dont know if im over reacting? i love him to pieces, but really dislike him at the same time. i know it will kill me for a few months but i know in the long run i will be happier. i have a fear i will back out of this aibu to get up and leave with him children without warning?

and yes, its going to kill me having to tell my children now that daddy wont be living with us anymore, never mind when theyre older but i think me and my children would defo be better of with out him. ive been thinking of it morning till night for 6 months-ish. had alot of thougt to the 'pros and cons'

Please InNeedO

Listen to what I'm going to tell you,I have previous experience of being in an abusive marriage and I've personally myself helped 2 women escape from abusive marriages.

Womens aid are amazing and it was help from them that I helped those 2 ladies escape the abuse.

They will tell you to not to tell your Husband that your leaving!
Women in abusive relationships and they're DC are most at risk of violence from the abuser when they're leaving the relationship!

Just because you don't think he'll try and hurt you or your DC doesn't make it fact,please don't tell him that your leaving,if he loses it and hurts you severly enough do you really want him to be the only parent to your DC?

Womens aid link,look on there and they show you how to cover your tracks online so he can't see what you've been doing.
www.womensaid.org.uk/

Please don't allow yourself to become another one of those poor women that loses they're life at the hands of an abuser,or is beaten so badly that they're left disabled or so seriously ill they can no longer look after themselves let alone they're children.

I don't want to scare you but you need to know that telling him is as dangerous as staying with him!

Please keep yourself safe and Good luck

Skittles, OP’s H refuses to talk to her so is unlikely to agree to counselling. I really don’t think that someone in her position needs to be “ guilted” into taking unrealistic action based on what her infant children may think in 20 years time. By then, if they have had any contact with their father they will have their own measure of the man and be grateful they did not grow up under his thumb.
Counselling can only work where both parties desire the same outcome, anyway.

Inneed0 some of the replies you have had on this thread are disgusting!

You are definitely making the right decision. I echo others advice to get in touch with women's aid as they can give advice but they can also put you in touch with other organisations that can help get you support and things like grants for the new house etc. Also you might be entitled to support from certain organisations (there are a few but don't know enough to be able to point you to any sorry) that specifically deal with the traveller community as although you married in the fact remains that through your children you are attached to that community now and there might be things that those organisations just "get" that others places might not if that makes sense.

Can I suggest that you start a brand new fresh thread and just mention a bit more in the first post so people have better idea earlier on of the full picture. You can ask mnhq to delete this thread too as it's obviously not going very well because some people can't be arsed to read through all your posts first

ginkypig new thread just created, will womans aid involve social services? i really dont want them involved at all? also could do with a grant or loan or anything eith nil savings im panicing on housing situation

They wouldn't as far as I'm aware unless they thought there was a very good reason to but that is the same with any other person school/nursery/organisations/gp etc they can also help you access a thing called the freedom programme so you learn the skills to recognise red flags or abusive traits and learn ways to help you protect yourself of ending up in an abusive situation again.

Ss are not the enemy, I know from Earlier that you have had experience of them as a child and that might not have been positive but honestly as an adult if they see a mum/parent trying their best and making sure that they are making healthy and protective choices for the children then they are a help. If they do get involved they could help you with housing, benefit entitlement, furniture grants, refer you to places for support until you get back on your feet, they can help set up supervised contact for kids to see dad (I know that worries you) and other stuff too. Taking children is just one (small) part of a very big service.

@InNeedO
Why does he reply with voice texts?
That's suspicious- like he's trying to protect himself from incriminating screen shots...

OP has said he can't read well, so I assume he can't write either.

Honestly, after reading your posts OP, I am of the idea that you need to continue in the same way, don’t tell him anything and I would say do not even bother about giving him some time to say good bye to the kids BUT let him come and see them when you are in a safe place.

I am pretty sure that if you said you are ready to leave, he will do ABSOLUTELY everything to stop you taking the kids with you, and bring in such community, you will have your steps monitored by everyone when he is not around and a lot of volunteers ensuring you are not given any opportunity to run away with the children, even if he is severely abusive towards you.

He has abused you and you need to get out.
Women's Aid will help you.
Please don't tell him before you go.
Get help and a safe place to stay. Women's Aid will help with that.
Then you can work out access.
Please be safe.
Don't tell him.

Most traveller men can't read or write, it's simply not a skill they desire. The voicemails are perfectly normal in their community.

InNeedO if you tell your H you are leaving and taking the children he will stop you. You may be allowed to leave but he will not allow the children to. Make your plans in secret, speak to Women's Aid if you safely can.

Have you thought about writing him a letter...

Dear John,

Recently it seems we've unconciously been uncoupling. I don't know when it started but it seems like we are ships that pass in the night. Somewhere we've got lost, and recently I've felt very alone, in this marriage and as a parent. It seems like we've both fallen into roles as parents and have lost focus on our goals. Where did it start? Do you want to change this? I've asked you and it seems like we have got our priorities different. You seem so miserable when you are with me and happier outside our marriage. I feel like I am walking on eggs shells, and that i need a physical relationship, which seemingly is fixxling out for us.

So. What do we do? Call it a day? Start again? I 've been thinking about this for a while and recently have made some enquiries about moving into my own place. We got into this together, so I am sharing you how I feel. I feel lost, invisable and am depressed. I want to have a partner that is engaged with me. To have fun, a conversation. I sit there looking at you thinking is this it? Is this how our marriage will be? Or is this how it is for young couples, they lost themselves and wake up in 15 years thinking WTF did I do? Or will I get so lost that in 15 years I'll be a zombie. Do you want to change, or shall I accept an offer on a flat that i've been looking at. Let me know if you want to end this or fight for us.

Mountainsoutofmolehills, if you read the ops updates you'll see she is escaping an abusive and violent relationship. In this scenario she shouldn't be telling him in advance of her plans to leave.

Also, OP said he's not very good at reading. He's not the only one.

You are very young and very vulnerable, and in a very vulnerable position.

Please contact Women's Aid in the first instance, as they will be able to provide you with specific advice as regards your location, and possibly details of a nearby shelter and 'buddy'.

Women's Aid

National Domestic Violence Helpline

Refuge

Skittlesandbeer You cannot go to counseling if one person is abusive.

Mountainsoutofmolehills Read the full thread, the OP's husband is both abusive and fairly illiterate so a letter is about the worst possible suggestion.