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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be planning on leaving my Dh without him knowing

141 replies

InNeedO · 19/06/2018 16:38

hi all name change for this one. marryied 4.5 year with 2 DC. Ds is 2 on 3rd July - i plan to leave Dh just after this. the reason i am waiting is so he can have one last birthday with him as a 'happy family' and it will also give me a bit of time to get some money together
dh has no clue at all i am planning this, i am leaving due to a long build up of moments. he is always miserable when he is with me and its got me fed up 24/7. he is happy with everyoneelse just when he is home he wants to do anything but spend time with me, hasnt said i love you in about 8 months, only had sex about 5 times in that period, im constantly walking on egg shells, feel so down and alone - dont know if im over reacting? i love him to pieces, but really dislike him at the same time. i know it will kill me for a few months but i know in the long run i will be happier. i have a fear i will back out of thisBlush aibu to get up and leave with him children without warning?

OP posts:
Elementtree · 19/06/2018 18:21

YANBU.

Get your shit together and leave.

I'd be damned if I ever paid someone the courtesy of saying goodbye if they had ever broke my nose.

Original poster
InNeedO · 19/06/2018 18:21

well he is a traveller and i wanted to be with him so we got married, i wasnt doing it just so i could be with him in that sense i was marrying him because i wanted to spend my life with him it wasnt forced or anything

OP posts:
Delatron · 19/06/2018 18:42

With light of your recent updates. Definitely leave and you do not need to tell him.
In fact it would be unsafe to do so.

It's good you have family to go to. You're doing the right thing.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 19/06/2018 18:48

Please call Women's Aid before you leave - 0808 2000 247. You're absolutely doing the right thing, but they can offer you support and advice to put you in the best possible position when you do leave.

You sound very strong, even if you don't believe that.

Original poster
InNeedO · 19/06/2018 18:52

im def not strong, but thanks. everytime i think im leaving in a couple more weeks my heart starts pounding, im quite scared to go because ive never lived by my self before or ever been alone (i know i have my dc) i dont think it will turn to dm when i leave i think he will flag it of as she will be back in a week or a few days because of how obsessed with him i was - litterally crying begging him not to leave me - thinking of it now i wonder why i did that? i knew at the time he was wrong for me ????!

OP posts:
keyboardkate · 19/06/2018 18:58

Sorry, but I thought as much re Traveller husband and you have confirmed this.

Can I ask why your family did not intervene when you were only sixteen getting married.

Original poster
InNeedO · 19/06/2018 19:02

my family didnt know-i was in care but in contact with family still- aiming to move back there. kept it very hidden and went to gretna green- send parents a pic and that was the first they had known

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 19/06/2018 19:03

Definitely leave. Do not tell him. And once you're safe , contact women's aid or similar to help you work through this.

Original poster
InNeedO · 19/06/2018 19:04

what will womans aid do?

OP posts:
keyboardkate · 19/06/2018 19:07

Drip drip.

But anyone reading your posts would surely realise that a marriage at sixteen was not good for either party. But Traveller men are the boss.

Sounds like you have a lot of issues to deal with. So sorry about that.

Too young. Most people your age are in College or working, or contemplating a gap year.

Marriage at 16. Whoa.

keyboardkate · 19/06/2018 19:26

You are online, look up Women's Aid and see for yourself.

They are highly regarded for people in your situation. They will guide you.

I wish you well, contact Women's Aid right now and see what advice they give you.

We can be supportive, but cannot do anything practical for you either on the ground, so to speak.

Original poster
InNeedO · 19/06/2018 19:34

ill look at them thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
InNeedO · 19/06/2018 19:35

do you mind me asking how you had insight on travelling men?

OP posts:
keyboardkate · 19/06/2018 19:45

Look love, you married a Traveller man at sixteen, that is the usual way they suppress the ambitions of their women, and early marriage is normal for that group. The men are usually a few years older and rule the roost in the end.

You were one of the so called vulnerable, and a target for one of these men. I think you know that yourself now.

But great that you have realised it. Best of luck.

Monday55 · 19/06/2018 19:50

You should do what's best for you and your kids.

You might talk to him and he'll change for maybe a few weeks before he goes back to his old self...you'll carry on with the same pattern and next thing you know 10years have passed by and you're still miserable and walking on egg shells .

For you to make such a move it means you must have done a lot of thinking over this. I say carry on with your plans and don't look back.

Original poster
InNeedO · 19/06/2018 19:56

been thinking for poss 6 months, couldnt bring my self to it, only i knew i was thinking it. got in touch with an old friend that i 'dropped' and told her everything and she told me it wasnt me to let him carry on like this and i need to grow my back bone back, then i realised how much ive changed - and not for the better feels more do-able now ive told someone and got my dad in the plans

OP posts:
Fizzymama · 19/06/2018 20:14

You're doing the right thing for you and your children. But you do need to be careful and when it is the day you decide to leave please make sure you have you friend and dad waiting to support you. I wouldn't normally agree with just upping and leaving but I think it's best in your situation. Be as normal as possible on the day and just pretend you're going out or something but do not return home. Definitely contact one of the recommended agencies on here.

Original poster
InNeedO · 19/06/2018 21:20

i couldnt just up and leave id let him say goodbye to the children - ive left before but not for long i always cane running back like a fool within 2 weeks (on 2 occasions) so i dont think it will turn to DM. its like when i tell him im going it hits home hes being bad and he aggrees its for the best - once with tears in his eyes which i have never seen him cry before only on one other occasion. i think thats why i cane back because i thought he could change

OP posts:
keyboardkate · 19/06/2018 21:27

I don't think you will be able to run away without access to your husband for the children.

Original poster
InNeedO · 19/06/2018 21:58

what do you mean keyboardkate?

OP posts:
keyboardkate · 19/06/2018 22:10

You cannot just take your children away say, tomorrow.

Their father has access rights. Be careful how you do this.

Women's Aid will advise as said earlier. Have you contacted them yet.

Fizzymama · 19/06/2018 22:19

You get somewhere safe and then discuss arrangements for him seeing the children. If you tell him he will talk you out of it. Promise to change etc etc.

Teeniemiff · 19/06/2018 22:25

Think about it on the other foot, if he just one day left (especially if he was planning on taking the children too).
I think you owe it to him to talk about this. And not just him, you & the children. Providing you want to make things work then I think talking about any issues you have & seeking help could be really helpful

Teeniemiff · 19/06/2018 22:27

Ok I’ve read a couple of more posts & if there is abuse involved then it would be different. You need to be safe & your children. I wish you all the best

Original poster
InNeedO · 19/06/2018 22:29

i understand i cant run away with the children - i will be telling him before i go - just not yet. i wouldnt deny access to the children.

OP posts:
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