AIBU to be planning on leaving my Dh without him knowing

[InNeedO]

hi all name change for this one. marryied 4.5 year with 2 DC. Ds is 2 on 3rd July - i plan to leave Dh just after this. the reason i am waiting is so he can have one last birthday with him as a 'happy family' and it will also give me a bit of time to get some money together
dh has no clue at all i am planning this, i am leaving due to a long build up of moments. he is always miserable when he is with me and its got me fed up 24/7. he is happy with everyoneelse just when he is home he wants to do anything but spend time with me, hasnt said i love you in about 8 months, only had sex about 5 times in that period, im constantly walking on egg shells, feel so down and alone - dont know if im over reacting? i love him to pieces, but really dislike him at the same time. i know it will kill me for a few months but i know in the long run i will be happier. i have a fear i will back out of this aibu to get up and leave with him children without warning?

also as said previously have tried to talk alot, hes not interester. he will have a final chance on the day of leaving

Are you me OP?

I have similar with my husband. I get the walking on egg shells. You can’t talk about it because it’s turned around on yourself. Short tempered. Snap at you and kids.

When it’s good it’s amazing. When it’s bad you just want to walk and never come back

You can run away with the children, saying goodbye with the children sounds foolish. I doubt he will let you leave and someone will end up hurt

Have you read the thread Teenie ?

Op, don't worry about access, and all the finer details now

Talk to womens aid, follow their advice.

Don't tell him you're going, phone him from your dads.

It might have been a year since the last dv, but you know he's more than capable.

Get out and stay out.

sideorder got it in 1

No way in hell should you tell him you're leaving with the children there! He's violent and dangerous, what if he decides fuck it, if you're not with me, you're better off dead?!

What if he just takes the children and locks them in another room? Would you still leave- probably not.

His feelings don't matter, you and your children do. He made his choice when he decided to be violent towards you.

Please leave him. As others have said talk to women’s aid they will help you. I’d leave while he’s not at home for your safety and the safety of your children. He has a history of violence and facing the loss of his children he may just snap.
I’m so sorry to read your story, I was married to someone who sounds very similar to your show and I got out but it wasn’t pretty butim glad I got out! If you leave now your children won’t have as many horrible memories as they will do if you stay. There is a light at the end of the tunnel I promise, you just need to be strong and think of your babies. I wish you all the best I really do.

@keyboardkate - Doesn’t matter if it’s a ‘genuine thought’ - if you’re suggesting troll then you’re wrong to write it on the thread, end of.

spidey feeling ? and zacharysmum sorry if spelt incorrect your reply brought tear to my eye. ivknow what you mean about doing it for the children, especially my girl - i dont want her to think this is acceptable at all! i just wish he could have been a role model for a man to marry it will break my heart every day when she asks for her daddy (she did previous times and brought me to tears) but i will get out of this stronger

" he once broke everything in my house including a glass cabinet coming down ontop of a 6ft fish tank smashing that and flooding my house and a broken nose - imust say this was the worst....i wouldnt stop him seeing the children - with someone there incase he took them "

Don't tell him.
He will be violent when you leave.
Do get advice ftom women's aid .

Just thinking the whole thread through.

Hope that is ok with you. Brie.

Three days from now it is all forgotten anyway really and we move on.

Wtf are you on about kate ?

How will you explain this to your children when they are teenagers and then young adults?
"Your Father was being a bit of a pain so I left."

well ill cross that bridge when icome to it, but if i did it your way it sound more like 'your dad mentally and physically abused me , didnt want to be a part of our marriage just wanted us when he felt like he had a rare intrest in us ' but i doubt id have to explane that much as more than likely hell prove it out his self

You certainly can take the children and leave! He has your mobile number. If he wants to see the DC he has a way to contact you to arrange it.

Please don't tell him that you are leaving. If you feel you must 'say something' leave him a letter saying that you have left because you feel it is no longer feel safe for the DC or for you around him and that his past behaviour has made it impossible to stay in the marriage.

My BFF did a 'midday' flit because she knew that telling him ahead of time would result in violence. She waited until he was out of town for the weekend, packed up her and the DC's belongings, took half the money from their bank accounts, some furnishings, and left him a note. It was the right thing for her to do. It's the right thing for you to do, too.

and kate i dont understand why i feel the need to prove im not a troll but pics attatched - cant prove any more because hes not the best reader and does eveything via voice message

Sorry hun, I was answering your original post.
Leave when he is not there.
You owe him nothing.
I left when my children were 1yr and 2yr old. For similar reasons as you.

a pain? have u read the thread or just cant be bothered melon

Oh, I should add that my children are now in their thirties and have zero interest in their Father, they haven't seen him in decades.

You might want to start a new thread and put everything in opening post else you’ll keep getting replies from those who haven’t seen re the domestic violence

Please ring women’s aid. Also are you sure he won’t readthis thread? Don’t leave yourself logged in.

Good luck, you and your children deserve better, you are doing the right thing x

gabsalot
The OP could maybe be clearer in her description from the off.
It's not that i cant be bothered, it's these OP who can't be bothered to state their case in the first place.

With the full story? YANBU. Run, you've got so much life left to life without the dead weight.

Seems like you’re desperate to avoid conflict or ‘difficult conversations’.

Consider how you will feel when you have to explain to your kids, when they are young adults, what you did. Picture their eyes when you have to admit that your ‘best efforts’ for holding the family together involved sneaking out when things got tough, with no attempt at communication or counselling.

That will be a difficult conversation, too. Might be easier to bite the bullet now, with your DH. Counselling can also be very useful for setting the (adult) tone for the future, if you do decide to seperate. You surely want a smooth separation at least? Dropping a bomb on him is unlikely to give you this outcome.

I’d do counselling just to get all the relatives off my back, to be honest. You might need to be seen as a reasonable person down the track, if you expect childcare and to be trusted/respected by friends and family.

i have tried communication lots of times. im not trying to avoid conflict as such? obviously i dont want to argue with any one but wrote this as to get honest replys from people who dont know me, so they have no reason to lie?