AIBU to be planning on leaving my Dh without him knowing

[InNeedO]

hi all name change for this one. marryied 4.5 year with 2 DC. Ds is 2 on 3rd July - i plan to leave Dh just after this. the reason i am waiting is so he can have one last birthday with him as a 'happy family' and it will also give me a bit of time to get some money together
dh has no clue at all i am planning this, i am leaving due to a long build up of moments. he is always miserable when he is with me and its got me fed up 24/7. he is happy with everyoneelse just when he is home he wants to do anything but spend time with me, hasnt said i love you in about 8 months, only had sex about 5 times in that period, im constantly walking on egg shells, feel so down and alone - dont know if im over reacting? i love him to pieces, but really dislike him at the same time. i know it will kill me for a few months but i know in the long run i will be happier. i have a fear i will back out of this aibu to get up and leave with him children without warning?

There is more to this story. Married at 16 now 21 with two kids and a distant (emotionally) and possibly DV husband.

Wow!

No matter what, he still needs to be involved in a discussion. If he refuses to discuss or whatever, then you might have reason to leave.

DV in any form is reason enough to leave, but you didn't mention that at all OP until a later post.

I think you might benefit from assistance from WA or some other advocate who will talk you through it all.

Thelionroars did you see the ops update, this guy has a history of being abusive - surely all bets are off in that scenario?

Oops missed your update too. Sorry!

Jesus at least discuss with him how you feel first! You have a child together.

Sorry didn't see your update.

Will he turn nasty when you tell him? Could you have someone there with you?

It is abusive if he doesn't support you emotionally, physically and financially. He has been physically abusive and controlling. Please explain why this is not abuse of any description? It's not giving up, it's saying he is not entitled to dictate what the OP does in a relationship.

Do your parents know? Are they supporting you in this?

Given update you are obviously not BU. Get away from him and don’t tell him you’re leaving. Can your family members come down and collect you?

A chat with Women's Aid is the first go to I think in the circumstances.

Second is to discuss with husband preferably with someone there at the same time just in case.

However, I get the feeling that OP is at the end of the rope here, and will go regardless.

Very young woman too. Dare I say it, Social Media can give the impression of "totally happy families", just mentioning that on the basis that OP is only 21. Please don't eat me for saying that either. It happens.

Could your husband be depressed or could he be covering up an illness maybe he just wants to be himself when he is with you and not have to put a front on. If you left I think it would be very sad for your children.

I also felt like this when my second was 1.5 yrs old. I told him how I felt and that I wanted to finish. I gave us 6 months. It did make a difference, we both made more effort and ended up having baby no.3. We still have ups and downs but this weekend (approx 4 yrs later) is an example of how we are closer and better than ever

Only you know your oh but you know how much you want to make it work.

For the record I was the lowest I have ever been

You should also take legal advice as the courts may take a dim view of you just taking two young children so far away from their home and father. Depending on the circumstances and law where you live.

"You need to understand that if we're not having this conversation, then we're not having this marriage."

Then, if he still refuses to have the conversation, it's OK to leave.

Yes YABU. You're not giving him any chance to try to make it right, or even to prepare himself for such a shock of suddenly losing his family in a moment. I think it is the cowardly way out.

I just saw your second post which put a lot more perspective on it. If he is likely to be abusive over it then absolutely, I would not say anything to him.

As far as I can see you HAVE tried to talk to him, haven't you? You just haven't threatened to leave him yet.

I think you should plan this out, and then head off to your parents. Starting again is hard, and you will need support.

It sounds to me like the talking is over. People rarely change. Why labour on in a failed relationship?

If there is a history of abuse then do not try to discuss with him, nor have counselling with him. Do not give him an indication that you wish to leave as that can be when controlling people turn most nasty.

Just organise yourself and your children and leave in the safest way possible.

Discussions and counselling are appropriate in relationships where there is equality and respect but things have hit a rough patch. They are not appropriate where there is abusive behaviour and can be used as a tool of abuse.

There are no princes. It's difficult when you have small children. If you have no intention of talking to him how do you expect to work anything out? If you're determined to go, go now, why wait till you're doing happy families for a child's birthday and buggering off after that when he has no idea?

ive spoke to my dad and a friend, asked them to say nothing also i have threatened to leave ALOT of times, makes no differenceto him he 'knows' i wont

So you make up your mind to leave,you have it planned, you tell him then leave. If there is any threat or abuse then of course, dont tell him but leave. Who knows, if it all gets fixed,you might return under better circumstances but if not,well the deed is done and you can both move on..

ok so ill start again from the beginning.
relationship was very good - got married
very small wedding and rushed, was just going for a meal after-ok
my wedding night was spent me out in a car crying because he told me he didnt want me he regrets marrying me. next 2.5/3 years was spent with 1-2 months of happyness then an argument would break out of nothing, id be told id never get another man, he xoesnt want me he never loved me and then hed be leavingat which point id be begging him to stay and every 2/3 month it would end in DM. he once broke everything in my house including a glass cabinet coming down ontop of a 6ft fish tank smashing that and flooding my house and a broken nose - imust say this was the worst and i still begged him not to go the same night. the past 8 months we have just totally died, none of us are happy and i wouldnt stop him seeing the children - with someone there incase he took them - although i dont think hed be that bothered as he doesnt do much now(he used to be good with them).
ive had to delete all social media account and had to stop talking to friends within first 6 months of marriage. only now am i coming to my senses that its like i was brain washed. i dont want my baby girl growing up thinking its ok for her husband to be like that even though she hasnt seen violence i mean the emotiall part.
sorry ivdidnt want to post all this

After reading your last post I think you are definitely doing the right thing leaving.

Why did you marry at sixteen years old? Is it a cultural norm or arranged, or something else?

Just wondered if you are willing to explain. You also say it was a "rushed" wedding, do you want to expand on that.

I know it's none of my business, so if you choose not to reply that's absolutely fine. But very young marriages like that are not the norm really. But what do I know?

Hope you will be ok.