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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that every woman needs an independent fund just in case.

153 replies

keyboardkate · 17/06/2018 17:48

There are so many heartbreaking threads recently about cohabitants and their lack of legal rights if DP has sole tenancy for example.

Very often when things break down, or there is DV, the woman says something like....

"I have no family nearby, no supports and I am bereft, what can I do now?"

£2 a week into a fund = £100, more if it can be done.

What do you think?

OP posts:
L0UISA · 18/06/2018 10:58

@hicdraconis - I hope you will also set up a pension in his name and max out the contributions until they are equivalent to the value of your own pension.

And put the house and savings into both names today.

Sadly “decent women “ die just as often as indecent ones.

And many people who seem to value their SAH partners contribution (running the house, raising the kids ) when they are together suddenly forget that when they leave.

I’d not advise any of my children to bet on someone’s future behaviour. That’s why we have legal contracts in this county and it’s not all done on a handshake.

Those of you trusting in your own ability to chose the right person and their ability to stay fit and well - do you have contracts for your jobs, car, insurance, bank account, rent or mortgage? Or do you simply trust that your insurer , employer or bank will just “ do the right thing “ if there are problems ?

Brieonabagel · 18/06/2018 11:51

I did this in my first marriage, well I started to. I got a pot and started putting a few pounds away. The pot was in a drawer where I keep tampons and not much else and I got to £16 (less than a month of saving) and he found it! Sat waiting for me when I got home from work and asked me what the hell I was playing at ‘keeping money from him’ I’d already been feeling like he was controlling and that was my proof. It was the beginning of the end.

ChocolatePanda · 18/06/2018 11:59

I have contracts for mortgage, insurance etc. And I choose my insurance company not just on price but on how reliably I feel they will honour that contract. If you have insurance but the insurance company goes bust and can't replace the house you just lost in a fire, do you have the cash saved away to cover the cost of your house? Or if they act dishonourably and you have the spend heaps to take them to court to get them to pay then have you got money to pay for that? Because there is always a small chance that will happen.
I guess that's how I feel about my marriage contract with my husband. Yes it could go all wrong but I highly doubt it will and if I'm wrong I will deal with it and I have no doubt that I'll survive. I might not have the lifestyle I'm accustomed to, but I've been dirt poor before and can do it again.

And "if my husband were suddenly taken ill" fund is a combination of his income insurance (which covers most of his salary for 6 months) and then on top of that we would have our joint savings which we could live off of for around 2.5 years without having to alter our lifestyle.

ChocolatePanda · 18/06/2018 12:01

Oh and DH does contribute towards a pension fund for me. Just as much as he puts away for himself.

busybarbara · 18/06/2018 12:01

what the hell I was playing at ‘keeping money from him’

Unless you are literally a poverty line household living a medieval style existence, this is bang out of order and would be a relationship ender for me

BitchQueen90 · 18/06/2018 12:12

If anyone had an issue with their partner keeping money aside in an individual account then I'd go as far as to call them financially controlling. Of course if the family is living in poverty and struggling to afford basics then it would be an issue but if not then what's the problem.

No need to keep it a secret either unless you are in a controlling relationship. I'd happily tell any partner of mind what I was doing.

Limpopobongo · 18/06/2018 12:13

So do men..

ChocolatePanda · 18/06/2018 12:33

I would have an issue with DH having money in a separate account that is just his. I'm not financially controlling at all; the issue would be me being sad that he felt the need to have a separate account. I would feel it was having one toe out the door. And while I am sure DH would be okay with me having money in a separate account, that too would make me sad and I'd feel as though I had one toe out the door or that I was admitting it was a possibility that my husband could one day screw me over, which I just don't believe to be true (I know never say never, but it's fairly close to an impossibility for me).

Ohsuchaperfectday · 18/06/2018 12:44

Not read thread but we all need a fund, everyone, dc, dc at uni, etc... We should all have basic 100 to pull on...

SummerGems · 18/06/2018 12:45

I disagree. The reality is that it would be impossible to save enough to be able to leave a relationship anyway because once you have left you still have to financially support yourself. How much do people think that would take? The deposit on a house (so that’s about £1000, six months rent? Money for council tax/bills for six months say? money to be able to feed and clothe you and the kids for six months? So that’s another few grand? By which time we’re into the tens of thousands mark and at the point where you wouldn’t qualify for any kinds of benefits. And if you were married that fund would be a marital asset. And how many people here would support a dh’s POV if a poster posted that they were splitting from their DH and it turned out he had a £10/150000 escape fund that they didn’t know about? People would be telling her to find a solicitor to ensure fair division of assets.

What I would say is that everyone within a relationship should have the ability to earn independently so that if they do find themselves in a position where the relationship has ended they will find it possible to find work in order to be able to support themselves. And that if you are not married to your partner then staying at home with the kids and giving up work is a bad idea because it leaves you more vulnerable, so if you’re going to have kids with someone you really ought to marry them first. Marriage doesn’t need to be a romantic thing, pop to the registry office in your lunch break, get it done and forget about it if you feel that strongly against. But I would say that if you feel that strongly against marriage in order to secure assets then in truth you’re not committed enough to be having kids either since having children is a far greater commitment than marriage.

Ohsuchaperfectday · 18/06/2018 12:45

No 1⃣ should have been money all on one bank either.. In one account always have at least one other bank account

Brieonabagel · 18/06/2018 12:59

busybarbara yes, it took courage to do it but I did LTB.
We didn’t have lots of money but we did both work full time and there was enough to pay the bills.
My eyes had been opened but I didn’t show my hand too soon. I told him the money was ‘for tampons of course’ and he replied that it hadn’t always been there so that’s why he was suspicious! He was suspicious of me when he found a pot containing a few pounds whilst going through my stuff, and not for the first time because he knew it hadn’t been there long!
I told my mum about this incident and she supported me in getting away from him.

AwkwardPaws27 · 18/06/2018 13:09

£100 is hardly enough to run away on.

If I were to leave right now, I'd need £1000 for rent and deposit on a room in a shared house.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/06/2018 18:44

SummerGems - why would it need to be for 6 months? I suppose it can take that long to find a job, but it can also take much less time. People in general are advised to have 3 months' wages is savings and I find even that to be on the safe side.
I suppose it might be difficult if you've been out of the labour market for a long time, but individual women will have an idea of how long they think it will take them to get a job.

SummerGems · 18/06/2018 18:46

Because the likelihood of a SAHM walking straight into a job is low. Most couples can’t even muster three months savings though let alone a house deposit etc.

ThistleAmore · 18/06/2018 19:01

Yep.

My parents were very happily married (my father died when I was in my teens), I am in a very happy LTR and I earn a (very good) income of my own, but I have my own savings account and an 'emergency' high-value credit card that lives in a secret place.

I was brought up in a family of very strong women, most of whom were professionals and business-owners in their own right as well as mothers/aunts/sisters etc, and this was a given. My sister and I had this drummed into us from a young age.

I don't have children, so that's not an issue, but no matter what, I would still have to be able to eat and sleep under a roof. It's not a slur on anybody's relationship or living set-up, it's just good sense to be able to provide for yourself.

MariaMadita · 18/06/2018 19:05

Yes. My paternal grandmother used to say the same.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 18/06/2018 19:24

It's sensible to ensure you can afford to leave a relationship, you'd have to be utterly naive to believe it's immune from divorce. A secret fund from a partner is wrong (healthy relationships don't have secrets) and how likely is it to last? Getting a job after years of no work is going to be very hard going.

HicDraconis · 18/06/2018 19:47

@L0UISA house and savings in both names already (sort of - actually all belongs to a family trust rather than either of us as individuals). As far as contracts go - we have a marriage contract. And a moral one. Although I do trust my employer to “do the right thing” (they have done previously, for other colleagues) when things go pear shaped, we do also have varying insurance policies (for both of us, my earning potential would be scuppered if anything happened to him).

I don’t know what he wants me to do with pensions, I will simply earn the money and leave it to him to decide where it’s best used! Currently all going into the mortgages anyway :)

halfwitpicker · 18/06/2018 19:49

Totally agree.

Cabininthewoods69 · 18/06/2018 20:04

Il aoways be independant but we share money. Of course you should be ready to support yourself if needed xx

lettuceWrap · 18/06/2018 20:05

When we married, DP and I set up a joint account with me, but he’d seen his mother endure decades of financial control and EA, and encouraged my to keep my own bank accounts open and to put a bit past each month. He jokingly called it my running away fund... but I don’t think he ever wanted to feel I was staying with him because I had no option (still happily married 25 years later).

KatharinaRosalie · 19/06/2018 08:41

'But I married a decent man, I don't need it' - while there are of course women who knowingly marry bastards (hoping they will change), I'm pretty sure most people believe their partner is a decent human and would do the right thing. You only find out f you're right when it's too late to do anything about it.

Original poster
keyboardkate · 19/06/2018 20:04

I will always have my own independent account as will DH.

I would ask why not? Given that the joint account covers every other eventuality, and we have a joint saving account for holidays and Christmas and all the other stuff.

I just like to have that independence so I can spend what I want on whatever I like from my own account, same for DH.

I honestly couldn't be arsed explaining anything from a joint account anymore. Not that it happened already, but it is cleaner having your own.

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 19/06/2018 20:21

This thread reminded me that I also received this advice. My aunt advised me to have a rainy day fund in the 1980s. At the time I was confident and as a young professional without dependents felt comfortable financially. I didn't really understand what she was suggesting I did. Years later when my marriage was in big trouble , I had dependents and an expensive lifestyle with poor prospects going forward. When your partner lets you down and you are at the lowest point in your life it is really difficult to suddenly have the imagination and drive to get yourself sorted financially. Make a running away or rainy day fund a must have for our young people and particularly for our daughters.