To think that every woman needs an independent fund just in case.

[keyboardkate]

There are so many heartbreaking threads recently about cohabitants and their lack of legal rights if DP has sole tenancy for example.

Very often when things break down, or there is DV, the woman says something like....

"I have no family nearby, no supports and I am bereft, what can I do now?"

£2 a week into a fund = £100, more if it can be done.

What do you think?

I don’t have a “leaving my husband fund” but iv always has my own savings account. It means I have my own safety net. Not to leave him (I love him after all!) but if I need to buy something big etc. Currently due on maternity leave soon so will use my savings to take longer off. DH is obviously happy to support me but I like to pay my own way. Once that’s done il build my savings up again for any “just in case” situation x

Definitely agree OP.

Agree Annan. Running away fund sound like a scene from a Barbara taylor Bradford novel.

As a SAHM with health problems, I get the PIP, ESA, CB and Child tax credits all paid monthly into my own account (and always have done)- I do transfer some to the bills / mortgage account monthly as well.

But I don't really see a need for such a fund as I have this coming in anyway. I do transfer some to a savings account though. and have a charge card with 7K limit as well in case needed.

For those saying it shows mistrust in the relationship did you know that if your partner/spouse dies and you don't have a bank account in your name you are screwed albeit temporarily.

Joint assets will all be temporarily frozen and any account in your partners name will be permanently so.

A relative of mine had to borrow money for a few weeks because everything was joint and the accounts were all frozen until everything could be assessed after the partner died.

@SimonTheIceKing joint assets are never frozen when someone dies

Both dh and I have our own savings it's common sense. Everything else goes in the joint account.

Yup was always told to mae sure you have your running away money and I will tell my dd the same thing.
Dont care how outdated it sounds its still good advice.

A joint account isn't frozen on death what are you on about? It's those who keep everything separate but one relies on the other that are at risk in that scenario. If you both separately have enough for your own needs or you are joint then it's fine.

The joint account was temporarily frozen in this case. I don’t know why I just know that’s what happened. If that’s not standard I stand corrected but it definitely happened in this case as I was involved in helping sort it out. It was years back though.

This is why I work even though DP earns enough for me not to. Independence, my own earning power and the ability to save money as well as contribute financially to our family. I don’t have a ‘running away’ fund though, I call it an ISA and a ‘decent pension’ of my own.

You need a lump sum because you may need money as a deposit on housing, removals, and all manner of expenses associated with relocating.

I know this is more about women needing money but really every person should have some money that isn't joint.

Running away money is outdated advice imo, how far are you going to get with a few grand if you've been a SAHM for years? The way to go is financial independence. You don't need to work full time when the children are small, work part time just to keep your foot in the door, and you'll be able to increase your hours if you need to. It is very hard to find a job if you haven't been working for years.

If someone isn't married there may be more issues post death with accounts - the bank will need to have more legal steps in place. If you are married then a joint account shouldn't be frozen in death.

This is the biggest issue I have with the "family money" concept and exactly why I'm a believer of having separate bank accounts for your own "income" and only having a joint fund solely for family expenses that you both put into.

What's left in your own account is yours.

If either party in the relationship has an issue with that or one starts questioning what the other has etc then you need to start wondering why.

I don't hide my account from DH and if he asked what was in it I'd happily tell him, but he doesn't ask because he trusts me enough that I will cover my share of expenses and will have some savings if needed in emergencies. Works the same the other way round.

I don't have running away money. I just have money.

Anything that is a joint expense of the lifestyle myself and my fiance lead goes into a joint spending/saving account - money for the house, food, bills, mortgage, meals out, any and all expenses relating to children etc (like saving pay top ups when we share maternity/paternity leave).

We can save and spend as we prefer from what we have left then. He saves, I save. I put more in pension, he does nifty things with ISAs.

I'm very happy with our set up, and so is he. Both of us have never wanted to be less than even in join spending, and neither of us has any interest in the other's financial arrangements outside of joint spending.

I'm a SAHM and am completely dependent on my husband. All our money is joint, and neither of us have a separate bank account. I have a credit card in my name but never use it - it's there so I have access to money in case DH dies and I can't access money.

Years ago I made the point to DH that I was completely dependent on him and would be screwed if I wanted to leave. I was joking but he was horrified that I thought he would ever hold money over me if we split. I can't imagine how hurt he'd be if I had a secret bank account - I know that he would understand but at the same time be hurt. Like I would be if the situation was reversed.

I have 100% trust in my husband and I know he has the same in me. When we bought this house he put it solely in my name (for business reasons).
It never occurred to him that there might be an issue with us splitting and the house being in my name. So I know the trust goes both way with us.

I don't like the idea of having separate accounts and I hate the idea of having a fuck off fund. It would taint my happy marriage slightly for me and I'm sure it would fit my husband too.

Yes, my husband could get a horrific brain injury and turn into a horrible person, take all the money and leave me with nothing. But I do think the odds of that are ridiculously low. And if that happens, I will hold my head high and just get in with life. And if I ever wanted to leave him, me not having financial independence wouldn't stop me - I have no doubt that I could get myself a job quickly. Maybe not the best job that I could get with my qualifications, but a basic job is all I would need to get by. And I have no doubt that I could move in with Mum or Dad and Stepmum, or my brother. I reckon even my MIL would take me in if I left DH if it meant her grandchildren had a roof over their heads. Can't see it ever getting to that stage.

So even though I know that being completely dependent on DH for money is a risk, I have deemed the risk to be very low and I have decided that is worth the risk to put 100% faith in my husband and have the sort of partnership that we are both happy with.

I agree. I think everyone should to some extent be capable of surviving independently. I think this is even more crucial for SAHPs. I have a 'should the shit hit the fan' account which isn't for anything specific but would cover me in the event the shit did hit the fan in area of my life. Independence is the most important life skill imho.

Yes I agree financial independence is better term than running away money but the meaning to me is the same.
Essentially dont rely entirely on another person fibancially.
My friend the other day told me that her boyfriend had to pay for some issues with her car because she couldnt manage but now he feel the car is partially his and they are breaking up and he wants his share so to speak.
Instead it would have been better that she had funds set aside for eventualities rather than expecting a boyfriend of 12 months to bail her out because he is her boyfriend.

You dont have to present it to a partner as an 'if I need to leave you' fund. I have savings and the most likely use of them would be 'if my husband were suddenly taken ill' fund. As he was a few years ago. Its bloody expensive having a close relative in hospital, more so if you are then without their wage.

@starzig

£2 a week is a little low. If you had to move you would be at least 1k up front. I would try for about 200 a month if you can.

WOW! You really think most women can sneakily siphon off £200 a MONTH off the family finances? You are living in a very different (privileged) world compared to many women!

@KERALA1

Never occurred to me. But I am in a grown up relationship with a decent man I trust totally.

Did you mean to be so condescending? head tilt

Yes of course it should apply to both parties in a relationship.

Especially to all the men who are SAHD because their wife doesn’t like them to work so they do 95% of the childcare , 95% of the housework and 100% of the wifework.

Who can’t go back to work because they would have to pay all the childcare costs themselves and they couldnt keep the house to her standard And work.

Or those men who work part time and took 6-12 months paternity leave. Who can’t take a promotion or a better paid job because they have to cover all the school holidays and kids sick days from their own annual leave / TOIL. Who don’t have a pension because ‘it’s not worth it’.

The ones who have all their savings and the house in the wife’s name “for tax reasons”.

Or those who are not married because their female partner doesn’t believe in marriage / says it’s just a piece of paper / they are waiting for her to propose / she was just by her parents divorce / she was ripped off by her ex/ she wants to save up and do it properly / it was either a wedding or kids and he chose kids .

Yes, all those men definitely need a running away Fund.

Not condescending - well not meaning to. Just my reality. Touched a nerve?

Anyway agree with all the others its not about having £500 stuffed away its about being able to support yourself longterm. All the SAHMs I know are now back at work bar none, so often being dependent when the children are small is a temporary life stage - well anecdotally around here it seems to be anyway.

@L0UISA you’ve described DH to a tee. SAHD, does 95% of the house related stuff including childcare, 100% of the wifework. We looked into him going back into work when the boys were older and he wouldn’t earn enough to cover childcare costs, so as a family we’d be net worse off with him working.

He gave up his career when the boys were babies to look after them while I finished training.

He also pointed out how difficult it would be to find childcare for older kids in school holidays & random teacher only days if we both worked, whereas now it’s easy. I have strictly rationed leave for school holiday periods so couldn’t guarantee to cover.

He doesn’t have a pension (I do). Once the mortgage is paid off I’ll start saving for our retirement.

I asked him if he wanted a running away fund. I’d happily set him one up (would be hurt if he did it secretly, no issues with it if it’s done openly). He looked absolutely horrified and asked what on earth he would want one for, when the money could be better used elsewhere. However off the back of this thread we’re going to start a joint “shit hits fan fund” (cash to which we will both have access) in case something unexpected happens to one of us.

Not all those men you describe need a running away fund. Some are married to decent women. I imagine the reverse gender scenario is also true for some couples.