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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that every woman needs an independent fund just in case.

153 replies

keyboardkate · 17/06/2018 17:48

There are so many heartbreaking threads recently about cohabitants and their lack of legal rights if DP has sole tenancy for example.

Very often when things break down, or there is DV, the woman says something like....

"I have no family nearby, no supports and I am bereft, what can I do now?"

£2 a week into a fund = £100, more if it can be done.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Oneinthegrave · 17/06/2018 18:25

@keyboardkate I have my own bank account, but after all the bills come out (we pay 70% 30% because i earn alot less than him) i barely have anything left, I don’t feel the need to save anything for incase we split up. If we did split up I probably would be f*ked and I really do understand the logic and concept, but if I was holding money back with the intention of ‘thats if we split up’ I wouldn’t feel comfortable. I’m probably wrong, everyone else seems to think differently

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 17/06/2018 18:27

Like some PP I think sufficient financial independence to be able to split without money being a major barrier is key - for some that may be having independent funds. I don't really but I out earn DH by a lot so the safety net comes from that instead.

Original poster
keyboardkate · 17/06/2018 18:28

No worries @Oneinthegrave.

It is just a discussion, many will have different views, what works for you works for you.

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 17/06/2018 18:30

Tell me why I need a 'run away fund' when I control all the money?

No I'm not a control freak, DH simply CBA and just asks for money when he needs/wants it.

We're married, its a joint enterprise. If I don't trust him, and he me, we wouldn't have got married.

This is just another one of those all men are bastards type of thread in disguise by someone who made poor life choices and got burned

Flaminglingos · 17/06/2018 18:30

I've got a £15k emergency fund if I need it. My mil was widowed in her early 40's with 3 young primary aged kids and no money but lots of debts left by fil. Dh is still traumatised by the hardships he endured and he's actively contributed to this fund. The money is in my name and I can do what I like with it but it's mainly for a dire emergency.

Pippylou · 17/06/2018 18:31

I grew up always wanting "I quit" cash, as I'm not the best at being employed...

Same principle!

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 17/06/2018 18:32

I have my own money but I wouldn't be able to afford to rent anywhere on my own if we did split and neither would DH so I have no idea what would happen to either of us.

G5000 · 17/06/2018 18:32

No I don't need to save a few quid per month. I am the main earner and can support both me and the DC easily on just my salary. I would advise my DC to do the same and never be fully financially dependent on someone else.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 17/06/2018 18:33

My DP is more financially dependent on me than he is. I am the one who goes to work as I can earn more, he is a SAHD snd work the occasional shift at the pub near us when they need extra staff during evenings/weekends.
He doesn't have much opportunity to save much, but the money we have is ours, except for the money he earns -£30 - £40 here and there.
I encourage him to keep that money for himself and to pop it away,m. Not because I think we would ever split, but because he should feel like if he ever needs to get away, then he can. He doesn't save. He usually buys naice foods for us. The only security he has is trust in me, he trusts that if ever we should split I would allow him to stay in our home until he finds his own job and home.
If it was the other way round, I would keep a little money...for emergencies and break ups.

lolaflores · 17/06/2018 18:36

Slightly to one side but still relevant. My dad died very suddenly leaving my.mum with 4 young kids. Smallest was 18 months.
House was paid off bit tjere was it much left spare.
She had to bit the ground running so it isn't just a relationship breakdown life slings a left hook and it goes from good to shit quickly.
Yes there are benefits but you need one less thing to worry about when the skids are under you.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/06/2018 18:36

"A friend of my mums was financially dependent on her husband. He used to ask for receipts or give the exact amount if he knew beforehand. How would she have done it?"

Saving up a part of the child benefit? (Not the proper use of it I know)

FlyingDandelionSeed · 17/06/2018 18:37

I have an emergency fund. As does DP. It's not specifically for 'if we breakup' but it would serve that purpose. Or if one of us died/we got seperated in some way etc it would tide us over til things were sorted.

It's sensible if you can afford it, but to be honest for most of my life I wouldn't have been able to.

bellsbuss · 17/06/2018 18:38

I agree with this and have always had my own savings and account plus joint. We are very happy but I've seen plenty of couples who I thought would be together for ever split

Takinrujomu · 17/06/2018 18:38

I think in the kind of society we find ourselves today, all women should have a rainy day nest. It's a well worn cliche but no condition is permanent. I don't think any woman went into a marriage believing it wouldn't be forever. And yet it happens. People change. Priorities shift. Some women are stuck in love less non existent marriages because they are financially dependant on the man. Apart from dv cases, should a DH die unexpectedly and leave his wife with high mounting bills she was blissfully unaware of, how will she survive?

I think it's advisable and I agree it might not work for everyone but it's worth trying.

RedSkyAtNight · 17/06/2018 18:38

Why just every woman? Surely if the woman has a "running away" fund, every man should have too?

I'd personally be less than impressed if DH was secretly hiding money from the family budget on the basis that he might need it, if our relationship turns sour.

Much better advice is (and there was a thread about this not long ago) is to say that no one should be dependent on another to the extent that they could not live financially independently if necessary.

FASH84 · 17/06/2018 18:39

I think all people should have some financial independence, regardless of gender.

user1andonly · 17/06/2018 18:41

I agree, also true for a man who becomes a sahd, goes part time or otherwise takes a career hit when children come along but it's more likely still to be the female partner who that applies to.

I think I read it on here once, someone suggested it could be a "saving for a cruise (or whatever) for the silver/golden anniversary" fund but there for an emergency.

No one knows what is around the corner.

I have one now but there's not much in it - I wish I'd started it from the word go although the temptation to dip in would have been great when the dc were young and we didn't have much to spare.

YorkieDorkie · 17/06/2018 18:41

DH and I have personal ISAs with a good amount in. He made his a joint account (I forget why, there was a reason at the time) so I have access. But mine to this day remains only accessible by me. I never really thought it could potentially be there to save me from ruin!

JT05 · 17/06/2018 18:42

I totally agree that women should have their own money, regardless of what it is called.
Before children, DH and I had a ‘housekeeping account’ where a portion of our salaries went into pay for everything, pro rata.
When we had our children, I kept my account and personal savings, but the ‘household account’ became our joint account with DH’s salary going into it.
When I went back to work my salary went into my account and his account remained joint. I paid for major things such as holidays, car repairs, furniture.
I suppose it is down to having complete financial trust in each other, luckily we have never rowed about money.

LemonSqueezy0 · 17/06/2018 18:45

I agree that it's ideal (absolutely necessary! ) to have your own funds but also that some people are in relationships with partners so controlling its not possible to even gather a couple of quid here and there.... BUT on that note "if someone tells you who they are, LISTEN"
if you are with someone who monitors you'd money, think carefully before marrying them and having children...
If they make you feel like shit, why sign up for a lifetime of it? Don't get in so deep you can't get out..

If my partner questioned me about having my own money where I wanted it , he wouldn't be the man I thought he was. He knows I'm fully committed to him, he doesn't have to ensure I have no access to funds to be sure.

GerdaLovesLili · 17/06/2018 18:46

I have a "running away to join the circus" fund. All the two pound coins and any change at the end of the week goes into my elephant. However, it's more a "mad money" or emergency-debit-card-stopped-working fund than a disaster fund. It's still a good thing to have though.

Original poster
keyboardkate · 17/06/2018 18:48

My view for what it's worth is that no one should be financially dependent on their partner whether that's a same sex/opposite sex relationship. It especially applies to co habitants who may not have all the legal protections of marriage. That is where my OP came from.

But it happens, and often the housing situation can be predicated on the tenant with sole tenancy rights (unmarried), again doesn't matter about the gender.

My view is, if you can have some independent means outside the joint account activity for joint living, do it.

Who would regret that? If it is not needed that's a bonus, but if it is, that is another bonus surely?

OP posts:
shiklah · 17/06/2018 18:52

I would never ever let DH know about my secret money. I am 43 and we have been together 25 years. He has no clue.

user7469322 · 17/06/2018 18:59

Agree, this is why I asked my mum to open me a simple bank account last year and I’ve been putting money in it here and there. Obviously my husband doesn’t know about it. The reason it’s in my mums name is so that it didn’t show on any of my credit score stuff as we moved since she opened it for me. Some might say this is deceitful but I see it as my safety net incase I have a repeat of what happened last year between husband and I.

x2boys · 17/06/2018 19:00

where do you suggest people get the money from? many people live month to month week to week how do you sugggest people siphon off bits of money and then not use it when they runnout of bread ,milk etc?Hmm