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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that every woman needs an independent fund just in case.

153 replies

keyboardkate · 17/06/2018 17:48

There are so many heartbreaking threads recently about cohabitants and their lack of legal rights if DP has sole tenancy for example.

Very often when things break down, or there is DV, the woman says something like....

"I have no family nearby, no supports and I am bereft, what can I do now?"

£2 a week into a fund = £100, more if it can be done.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
keyboardkate · 17/06/2018 20:09

If preparation motivates even one person to plan for something they think will never happen, IMV that's a good plan.

Spend it on a world cruise if it is not required!

OP posts:
Bbbbbbbb2017 · 17/06/2018 20:12

Thank you, i try and tell my story so people in similar know you can get out.

To be fair i need to return to court to remove him from the tenancy but after the process of a criminal court case, immediately followed by family court (I won a no contact court order) and our daughter having various SEN and health issues i am struggling to get the mental strength to return and face him yet again in court. It should be easier to remove someone from a tenancy but it isn't and worryingly he could technically end my tenancy at any time.

starzig · 17/06/2018 20:13

£2 a week is a little low. If you had to move you would be at least 1k up front. I would try for about 200 a month if you can.

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 17/06/2018 20:16

The other thing i would say for people unable to save.. use incognito on your phone and familiarise yourself with services in your area so if you need to leave you already know in your head where you can turn to.

BackforGood · 17/06/2018 20:22

I think YABU

This is just another one of those all men are bastards type of thread in disguise by someone who made poor life choices and got burned

This ^

Can you imagine the reaction on here if a woman posted that they had been struggling along on a low budget for several years and then found out their dh or dp had several hundred or thousand stashed away "just in case they ever broke up" ? Hmm

I do think every person should be able to drive, and to work and to be educated to the best of their ability etc., but secretly stashing away money is a no from me.

BitchQueen90 · 17/06/2018 20:23

I genuinely think it's naive to ever trust someone 100%. I will never ever trust any other human being 100%. No way would I want to have that level of dependence on someone.

When I was married to my exh I had my own personal savings account that he couldn't access and he knew about it because I told him so. As I will do for any future serious relationships. If they're not happy with that then they can get lost. I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who was uncomfortable with me having my own bank accounts. My exh had no problems at all with it and he had his own bank accounts too.

BitchQueen90 · 17/06/2018 20:25

I don't think all men are bastards either, my exh is a decent bloke. We had an amicable break up. I just don't ever want to be so reliable on any one person.

Isleepinahedgefund · 17/06/2018 20:29

Yes. You should never be reliant on anyone, not a man, not anyone. We should teach this to our daughters. I certainly will to mine. I’ve always maintained my financial independence and it’s done me well. When women say they’re a SAHM and it’s all family money etc etc I just think more fool you, your choices are very limited now should it all not go to plan. I have a few friends in this position where they want out but they have no financial means. Also the less support you have (no family/no supportive family, far away from where you have support), the more important it is to have your own means.

oracle2811 · 17/06/2018 20:35

Controlling and full of it. Your poor hubbie probably has got an escape fund set up to get away from you!

Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2018 20:37

"use incognito on your phone and familiarise yourself with services in your area so if you need to leave you already know in your head where you can turn to."

I think that's a step too far, tbh. Should you also look up addiction services etc, in case you ever become an addict.

If you can, you should save. If you go into a relationship, you can still have a level of independence which includes your own savings account.

I think we should all be aware that life can change for any of us. It could be a separation, a car accident, a terrorist attack, even.

If your future DP stops you from saving 10-20% of your income, then it shouldn't get to DP stage.

Women don't have to be victims. e don't need to be living with someone. We shouldn't be putting up with the bullshit that you read everyday on here, the relationships shouldn't have got to the, joint this/joint that, pregnant stage.

I wish more Women would have the strength to realise that they can Parent well enough on their own.

Moanranger · 17/06/2018 20:37

My grandmother also said” Always have your own money”. Must be common gran advice judging from some other posters!
I think she meant it in the sense of having your own source of income-wealth, not just a running away fund. Certainly that would be my advice to my daughter & has largely been my situation (own income, job, savings)

Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2018 20:42

"I just think more fool you, your choices are very limited now should it all not go to plan."

Not necessarily. You've just got to accept that you may have to drop down in lifestyle for a while.

When I worked in welfare Rights we saw lots of working Women who were trapped living in the same house, because they'd over mortgaged themselves and in some cases, she needed him for out of hours childcare.

I've been shot down for saying that it's important to not get too insular as a couple. women are bad at keeping up friendships compared to Men. They often resent the time and money given to socialising etc.

Furx · 17/06/2018 20:46

But you SHOULD have money stashed away in a separate account if you possibly can.

We are hand to mouth at the moment, but the minute we aren’t then I’m saving.

Not just in the event of breakups (and yes, I though that was a little smug ‚‘oh my DH is perfect, it's your fault for breeding with a loser‘)

I have experienced issues withthe joint account being frozen , was a bloody godsend that i had a months worth of money in the care of a DIFFERENT bank at that Time.

Or if oh dies suddenly and the joint account is frozen for some reason. Having all the money you need to live day to day in one account is a bit eggs in one basket.

So if DH did find out about my hypothetical fund, there are way more reasons than just me worrying he is about to trade me in for a younger model.

Original poster
keyboardkate · 17/06/2018 20:55

It is all about not being Financially dependent on someone else isn't it?

And the reality is, it is a potential escape hatch for those who may realise that things are not going well anymore, but without the escape fund, they might have nothing and no means to leave either.

OP posts:
LovelyBath77 · 17/06/2018 20:58

I was surprised at someone having their mum open an account for them like a child. That is a bit sad to hear someone can't open a bank account on their own. Quite worrying.

Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2018 20:58

In the case of death, you need to make sure you have Wills that you update regularly.

As soon as I had the death Certificate I could access my DH's accounts. In the case of other policies, I was the named person. I didn't hurry to get the money, but it still only took ten days, you don't have to wait for probate, you just declare it when doing it.

Likewise we had my Mum's bank account settled in around three weeks, again we didn't hurry to do it.

Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2018 21:01

Having said that I always had two savings account. That started before we had internet banking etc. and banks had to be physically open to get money out, if you lost/damaged your card.

raisedbyguineapigs · 17/06/2018 21:02

*"use incognito on your phone and familiarise yourself with services in your area so if you need to leave you already know in your head where you can turn to."

I think that's a step too far, tbh. Should you also look up addiction services etc, in case you ever become an addict.*

Birds I don't think Bb was talking about everyone, but she just described the very abusive relationship she was in. I'd imagine it was very good advice for anyone in a similar situation.

Voice0fReason · 17/06/2018 22:50

I have always had complete access to all of our finances and they are all joint. I can't see any reason why I would want or need a separate fund. We have joint savings that I could use if I needed it.
I would be very upset to discover that he had an escape fund.

x2boys · 18/06/2018 05:54

£200 ,seriously starzig you have no idea, £200 /month is a massive part of a lot of peoples budgetHmm

tomhazard · 18/06/2018 05:59

Not really thought about a fund but I have certainly always remained financially independent and always will. I am currently happily married but life is very unpredictable and now I have dc I would never want to not have an income Of my own

productOfTheMatriarchy · 18/06/2018 06:01

No. I don't need one. I have complete access to all of our money as does DH.

Why though should be it women who need one and not anyone in a relationship?

bgmama · 18/06/2018 06:50

Hi OP, I haven't RTFT but it's called having a job now. We are no longer in the 1950's.

KERALA1 · 18/06/2018 07:08

Never occurred to me. But I am in a grown up relationship with a decent man I trust totally. Plus I do all the online banking and he doesn't even know the codes Grin. TBH if I wanted to "run away" I could go a long way as my little business has recently gone crazy so I could get further than dh!

annandale · 18/06/2018 07:23

Just another one saying you don't necessarily need probate to access your husband's accounts in the event of his death - it depends on the bank and the amount, and yes you need some form of death certificate.

Agreed that the running away money advice tells us we have come a long way. This is advice from an era when women had minimal access to jobs and financial independence, to an extent you can hardly recapture. So I am in the 'maintain financial independence' camp, and if you find that disturbing in a partner, maybe think why?

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