To think that every woman needs an independent fund just in case.

[keyboardkate]

There are so many heartbreaking threads recently about cohabitants and their lack of legal rights if DP has sole tenancy for example.

Very often when things break down, or there is DV, the woman says something like....

"I have no family nearby, no supports and I am bereft, what can I do now?"

£2 a week into a fund = £100, more if it can be done.

What do you think?

I can't really afford to save, but would survive on my own with my wages. I would have to move to a shared flat, but I would survive. Hoping to get a higher paid job in the future.

The one thing that justified having my own stash of money was something I read on here not that long ago.

Even if you're in the most committed relationship, should your husband die and you had to wait to sort out life insurance/access to bank accounts, isa's etc. How would you be able to live until it was all sorted?

We don't have joint bank accounts and I'd never want one either. If something happened to my husband then I'm he's well insured. But this would take time to sort out. Myself and the kids would still need to eat in that time so my savings would allow this.

I have one and my mother's emergency bank account is in my name too. Her husband is a bastard and would spend it / try to kill her if he knew.
I put bits of money left over from my wages into mine and some of it is in premium bonds.

Yes there is the death factor that also must be considered. Probate is required for access to the deceased's personal bank account.

I am not sure of the protocol with Joint accounts. Someone might know.

Or don’t have children with someone you don’t completely know and trust

I read about an emergency fund on here years ago and that inspired me to set one up, DH has got plenty of savings from when he was younger in his sole name too, it’s nice to know that we’re both in the relationship because we want to be.

I think it’s a great idea, you never know what might happen in the future. A friend of a friend’s dad was in an accident and had a brain injury and went from being a great bloke to an utter cunt overnight and his mum ended up divorcing him.

im. not financially abused btw i control the bills but we live on a budget i know exactlly what goes in and out of our one account we only have the one , i dont feel the need to siphon off bits of money but if i did at the end of the month when we have absolutely nothing in our account, thats our reality , how could i justify taking away hundreds or thousands away from our family?

There’s nothing wrong with having your own financial independence and I think it’s really important that both parties to a relationship have this. I have my own account and savings, but we also have a joint account where we each put money in for house stuff. I’d never have my salary going into the joint account.

A woman with no independent means is just as vulnerable as a woman with children without access to funds.

I think a lot of women are sailing through life, but when the S hits the Fan, it's a disaster if the woman has no funds to leave or move on. That is the reality.

I know some have spoken about SAHDs and so on, fine. But I have never seen a post on here about them being left in the lurch. Maybe some have been. But they also need a fund, but probably already have one in many cases.

I agree op. I’ve always worked, and always had my own money, so, if needed, I could escape. Mostly, I use it for treats for us!

X2boys do you both have access to the money?

I left without a penny, i didnt even have enough money to buy my then 12 week olds milk. We got through it. Money is not an obstacle to leaving abusive and bad relationships, its just another hurdle to jump

I agree with you. Although it doesn't have to call it that. Just personal savings.

a friend of my mums was financially dependent on her husband.

That's a bad place to be.

In principle I agree, but my reality is that I wouldn’t be able to save it.

of course SluttyButty .

A friend of my mums was financially dependent on her husband. He used to ask for receipts or give the exact amount if he knew beforehand. How would she have done it?

You can get cashback from supermarkets with your weekly shop. That would enable you to save up £ if DH checks the bank statements, but not the actual itemised supermarket bills

allthgoodusernamesaretaken with that amount of control there is no way he would not notice money exiting his accounts. Plus it seems they operated in cash. It would also be incredibly dangerous if he found it. It is far from that simple

Agree OP I always did but have spent it due to stress I am now working on rebuilding it despite having a happy and stable marriage. You never know what is around the corner.

@Bbbbbbbb2017

So glad you made it to the other side.

Care to share (for others who may be in the same boat) how you did it?

Good on you, but I have no doubt you would have felt more secure with a few pounds in your pocket.

where do you suggest people get the money from? many people live month to month week to week how do you sugggest people siphon off bits of money and then not use it when they runnout of bread, milk etc?

Exactly! Many families are living on (or beneath) the poverty line, so although some people come out with this 'women should have a get-away fund' idea, the fact is that many women would not have any access to any spare funds to save any.

You can get cashback from supermarkets with your weekly shop. That would enable you to save up £ if DH checks the bank statements, but not the actual itemised supermarket bills.

Yeah but if he sees the receipts, it shows up as cashback. If a man IS controlling and anal over finances, he will look at the receipts, not the bank statements.

Upshot is, re, the OP, no way in hell would I have children with a man I was not married to. I think women who do, are very foolish and naïve.

I still think there is something rather unsavoury about sneakily saving money behind your man's back. (In case you break up.) How would you feel if HE did this? Be honest now!

I don’t need a separate fund - I’m the sole earner and DH is financially dependent on me. One joint bank account, one joint credit card, one joint mortgage. I’d be really hurt if I found out that DH had squirrelled away money that I earn for the family in his own “in case she sods off” fund. That money represents long hours, time away from my children, missing sports days and school plays, in what can be an incredibly stressful job - and one of the things that keeps me going is knowing that I am doing it for us all as a team.

If I die - there are insurance policies that will pay off the house and give him an income, and as we have joint finances he’ll still have access to savings in the meantime.

It was a horrendous relationship. I literally didnt have the means to save, the consequemces of stashing money and being discovered would have been deadly.

The day i left he had a knife in one hand, a knife in the other against my throat. I had the 12 week old in my arms and our just turned 2 year old was clinging onto me. He then literally dragged me out of the flat where i clung onto the kids. I had no money, no milk even on me, no nappies, no key absolutely nothing. Luckily the car wasnt locked so i got the buggy out and walked to the childrens centre before bursting into tears and revealing all.

Whilst we rang the police someone from there went and got some formula and nappies and wipes as well as food for 2 year old. Once police were informed the childrens centre sorted out emergency accomodation and we did a nil income form at the council to get some money asap. Police arrested him 3 days later and he was bailed to not go near ours so i was able to return but even now im trapped with him on the tenancy still.

My biggest tip is when you leave to use your children centres or womans aid or domestic abuse charities, they know how to get the help you need. I know its not ideal leaving with nothing BUT it certainly is not impossible and i wouldnt ever want someone to feel they cant leave because of having no money.

Flowers and Gin to @Bbbbbbbb2017

I think so. I think no matter how much you truly trust someone. It's still important to be prepared. Especially reading threads on here has made me a bit wiser about things.

Bb you're an inspiration I hope to others in your situation.

How are the agencies helping you to get his name off the tenancy?