AIBU to avoid church because of DH’s flatulence 🤢

[itseasybeingcheesy]

DH has a rotten stomach at the mo from overeating at the pub yesterday and the house smells awful as a result. He think I’m being OTT by saying we shouldn’t go to church and inflict that on others.

I know this is disgusting but please back me up? I’m not BU am I?

I went through my 20s with the indignity of frequent flatulence. Yes, to the releasing by a silly group of boys and awaiting them to blame eachother while at work. Once, they did cotton on that I had been around them moments earlier and blame me at which point I confessed.

I have realised in my 30s that I have several dietry triggers to IBS including dairy, soya and excessive sugar. So sadly socialising involving deserts and alcohol really sets my gut going. With hindsight, I always had these issues and I can think of many specific occasions going back to my teenage years where my digestive system had been aggravated by diet.

It is quite likely that excessive/ offensive flatulence has dietry triggers.

It's not the DH who's to blame in our house! It's the dog! That sweet little angel-face dog can clear the room in 2 seconds, AND she sleeps on our bed at night! Poo!

One night, I couldn't sleep. I thought I was in a for a long night of insomnia. Last thing I remember, DDog had farted (he sleeps in our room) and it was so bad, I think he gassed me. I didn't come round for 8 hours and had a great night's sleep!

Crikey AbsoluteBeginning you need to hire your farting dog out on a nightly basis to insomniacs, you'll make a bomb.

I am also wondering how people who can't hold farts in get through life? I fart on the bog or outside or in my sleep i'm told accidental farts = extremely rare.

There is nothing wrong with a good fart as long as you don't follow through. Something I have come to cherish as I get older and having to find the smaller joys on life now I can no longer travel as far.

Crikey AbsoluteBeginning you need to hire your farting dog out on a nightly basis to insomniacs, you'll make a bomb

Yeah, a stink-bomb!

Another teacher who moves as far away from the class as possible if I feel the need to fart.... the kids get riotous enough if one of them does actually fart in class, so I dion't want to give them any extra opportunities to avoid working.
Actually, when I saw in my teens I had terrible flatulance and an inability either to hold it in or fart silently.... I lost count of the times I embarrassed myself - fortunately I grew out of it and these days a desire to fart usually means I need to poop and the problem is easily remedied.

Great thread.

Farts are always better out than in, even in a church. Vicars and Bishops also fart.

He could try to set light to one of his farts with one of the church candles or incense burners. It might be spectacular and would burn off the worst of the smell. It could enliven another boring sermon.

"I am also wondering how people who can't hold farts in get through life?"

Just can't get too close to people when it's happening. It does cause anxiety, but is not a serious health problem and not something that a dr has a magic wand for. I can safely say tablet sold in chemists (mainly simeticone) don't do anything.

"It's not so much holding them in, as not kicking one out. They're not fighting to get out in other words, they quietly await their release."

I see now. You're talking about a different stage then. You just mean that you can feel it in your stomach. The farts that can't be held in are already further on than that.

"Would you for example, let rip at the altar whilst saying your vows, in a job interview, sitting in the dentist chair, sat in the doctors waiting room etc etc etc. [shocked]"

Yes, of course. No choice. There'd be no sound and you'd hope the smell wouldn't be too bad.

I told him to leave the the room to fart but he dragged the smell back in with him when he came in! How is that possible?!

I expect some of the fart was trapped in his trousers when he came in, and it seeped out slowly.

I've given birth vaginally five times. It's hard enough to keep my brains in, never mind anything else, these days, so farts sneaking out are the least of my problems.

I see now. You're talking about a different stage then. You just mean that you can feel it in your stomach. The farts that can't be held in are already further on than that.

Nope, I don't feel them in my stomach! Gas in my stomach would be released as burps. They're down at the extreme end of my pipework, and I can evacuate them at will.

Not sure what's worse, the farting or no candles in a church!

I expect some of the fart was trapped in his trousers when he came in, and it seeped out slowly.

Yes, he needs to give it a minute for the fart to dissipate out of his pants before he comes back in. It's the only courteous thing to do. Fart etiquette dictates this.

There was that time Choir had to sing an Ascension anthem with the line "Jesus has gone up with the sound of the trump" (this was when the word "trump" could still be funny) and we all corpsed at the thought of him flying around like a released balloon.
Could he fasten some pan pipes to his arse and join in with the organ?

Yes, he needs to give it a minute for the fart to dissipate out of his pants before he comes back in. It's the only courteous thing to do. Fart etiquette dictates this.

Does fart etiquette also require that he shake his trouser legs discreetly before entering the room, to facilitate swift evacuation of the offfensive gasses?

I need to make notes for future reference.

If he offends anyone hopefully they will turn the other cheek.

If he offends anyone hopefully they will turn the other cheek

It's not so much holding them in, as not kicking one out. They're not fighting to get out in other words, they quietly await their release.

The trouble is you can think that is the situation, but a change in position, e.g. standing up, gives them enough impetus to escape. And sometimes they just won't wait.