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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to kill my brothers

122 replies

Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 20:15

This might be a long one but I’m so angry.
My stepfather died last year and he was my mothers carer.
She had a stroke a few years ago that left her paralysed down most of her left side and she’s now wheel chair bound.
I live close by and also have 2 younger brothers, 1 lives with her, (let’s call him bro 1), one lives about 20 mins away (bro 2) and I’m on the same road.
We all agreed when my stepdad passed away that bro 1 that lived with her would be her carer, bro 2 and I both work full time, I’ve got young children, so it just made sense.
Our grandparents also live across the road so we all help out and chip in, but my brother is her carer, he doesn’t work and is about all day. He was happy with this arrangement.
I’ve had a text this evening off my mum to say my bro 1 has gone to stay with bro 2 and she’s been alone since 5:30. Her home help who come 3 times a day came about half an hour ago and she’s in her P.J’s and watching telly, she’s asked for me to come round soon to take her to the toilet and put her to bed.
Now I don’t mind that at all but why have my brothers not told me about this? I would have gone round earlier and sat with her so she wasn’t alone! She shouldn’t be on her own! It’s been nearly 3 hours!
My grandparents are away for the weekend so she’s not even got them across the road!
I’m sitting with her now but I’m fuming they’ve left her, and they’re ignoring their phones.
I’m also mad that she knew about this plan and didn’t decide to tell me till now, what if I’d gone out for the night?
I really want to kill the pair of them!

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 16/06/2018 20:19

Her home help who come 3 times a day came about half an hour ago and she’s in her P.J’s and watching telly, she’s asked for me to come round soon to take her to the toilet and put her to bed.

This was probably arranged with the home help, to put her to bed and she's declined, knowing you'll go round. Why do you want to kill your brothers only when your DM as a party to this? I’m also mad that she knew about this plan and didn’t decide to tell me till now

outofmydepth45 · 16/06/2018 20:24

3 hours, think your being ott carers are allowed time off you know and caring is working.

Sounds like it was arranged with careers

BarbarianMum · 16/06/2018 20:26

Yes YABU. Your db is a carer not a slave. He's having a night off. He's only 20 min away if there's a problem.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2018 20:28

If she is incapable of moving herself should an emergency arise, such as a house fire, I would be very upset that she was left alone.

Original poster
Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 21:28

My problem isn’t the fact they want the night off. It’s the fact they left her without telling me, they didn’t know my plans! What if I was out?
If they’d have told me I would have gone round and sat with her but I didn’t know.
She is incapable of moving, she needs help in all aspects of life, she’s unable to take herself to the bathroom or get herself a drink of water.
Nothing had been arranged with the home help either, they come every night and shower and dress her for bed and she sits downstairs watching telly while bro 1 plays on his computer till 10. This has always been her routine. They didn’t know he was out all night I phoned and asked her carer.
I don’t mind helping out, I do all the cleaning, I’m the only one with a car so i do the ferrying about, I don’t moan cos she’s my mum and I’m here to look after her and I always will but they could have told me! And ignoring the phone to me feels like they’re taking the p*.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 21:31

And yes 20 mins away by car, they don’t drive. It’s a good hour away on foot.

OP posts:
CluedoAddict · 16/06/2018 21:35

You should all be responsible for your mum's care not just one brother.

TeaAndNoSympathy · 16/06/2018 21:36

Given the circumstances you describe, I think they should have told you before leaving your mother alone. However, being a full time career is a bloody hard slog. You say you work full time - so does your brother. Is your brother still happy with the arrangement to look after her full time?

unclejel · 16/06/2018 21:39

You are VU for saying "wheelchair bound" That is incredibly offensive to wheelchair users, who see their wheelchairs as a lifeline.

Rachie1973 · 16/06/2018 21:40

I think wanting to kill them is a massive overreaction, since they seem to take a fair amount of the caring themselves.

And ignoring the phone to me feels like they’re taking the p*.

I dare say they know you're going to have a moan and don't want to hear it.

siwel123 · 16/06/2018 21:41

Yes the brother should have told you.
However he may have bought the carer would have put her to bed?
Also don't go in full guns blazing as he has a really tough job.

Original poster
Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 21:49

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it one more time.
We ALL look after my mum, my bro 1 is classed as her carer but apart from being there more than we do he does no more work than any of us, we all do our bit and like I said she’s our mum we don’t mind it’s what we are here for.
I know he needs a break at times and I’m the first person to suggest he goes out and has some time, my partner has offered to take him out fishing, and I’ll stay with my mum he’s not interested. My grandparents take her away to their caravan in ingoldmels every other weekend.
My point is that they’ve done this without letting me know, I never nag them and we really get on well, that’s why I want to kill them! They could have just told me.

OP posts:
Postymalone · 16/06/2018 21:52

If you’re so bothered YOU be her full time carer. Give your brother a break.

Smallhorse · 16/06/2018 21:52

It would have been kind to have told you.
But to use hyperbole like wanting to kill them is out of order.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 16/06/2018 21:53

YABU. Your brother is doing the bulk of the caring work. He wasn't around on a particular evening so - with the knowledge of your DM - he made alternative arrangements with carers. Ideally yes they should have told you but wanting to kill them for this is a massive overreaction on your part - they haven't done anything that bad.

Original poster
Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 21:53

And I’m sorry unclejel but she is bound to her chair. I don’t know how to explain it otherwise but she’s sat in it for most hours and cant move unless aided

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 16/06/2018 21:55

Well, why didn't they tell you? They must have had some logic behind it?

Surely bro1 is best placed to decide whether she could be alone with a carer visit for 3 hours watching TV?

I've watched TV for 3 hours in my PJs without needing a wee or a snack more than once.

Urubu · 16/06/2018 22:01

Some really harsh posts! OP it sounds like you and your brothers are great DC to your DM and look after her with dedication.
YANBU after tonight though, but if it is a one off re-iterate that he needs to call you in this situation and you will be happy to help. But then try to let it go.

Original poster
Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 22:02

He made NO arrangement with anybody I’ve spoke to her carers! He told nobody except my mum and she didn’t tell me till later on. I’m just trying to vent!
And do you really think I’ve not taken being her carer into consideration?
I can’t afford not to work, myself and my DP work full time and have 2 small children, one who has chronic kidney problems. What with hospital visits and seeing to my mum as often as I can im bloody stretched to my limits. With bills coming in we can’t afford not to work.
I’m bloody exhausted yet he manages to spend god know how many hours on his PS4, yea he’s really doing the bulk of it.

OP posts:
LadyOdd · 16/06/2018 22:02

As a former carer one of the most of things is communication, many things could have gone wrong. What if she hadn’t called Lou? She could have been stuck downstairs for hours or all night in her own urine? It would have been abuse. Lou doesn’t even know if he is coming back at 10. He should have contacted you are at least told the other carer what was going on.

LadyOdd · 16/06/2018 22:03

And fgs he should be available by phone.

musicinthe00ssucks · 16/06/2018 22:06

Sorry but YABU. I should imagine that being a full time carer is bloody hard work and your brother needs a break! I’m also going to guess that your mum has told your brother something along the lines of “no no go out and enjoy yourself. The home help is coming and will put me to bed” and then for whatever reason hasn’t followed through with the plan, hence calling you.

Bottom line is I think your anger is misplaced and you need to be much more understanding of your brother’s role as a carer. You seem very dismissive by stating her doesn’t have a job etc.

ShawshanksRedemption · 16/06/2018 22:09

If your mum knew, why didn't she say anything @Loulou87 ? What reason has she given that you weren't told so you could step in and help out?

lottiegarbanzo · 16/06/2018 22:12

I think other people are reading a different thread from me.

The live-in carer has taken an evening off, without making any cover arrangements. His mother has been left to her own devices and has had to call OP.

OP could have been unavailable, no-one knew or checked.

Rachie1973 · 16/06/2018 22:17

Loulou87
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it one more time.

You can say it til you're blue in the face, but you still need to calm down, accept its happened, nothing awful has befallen anyone and its done and dusted.

Lose the emotive language or you'll end up with a wedge between you and your brothers. I'm sure none of you want or need that.