To want to kill my brothers

[Loulou87]

This might be a long one but I’m so angry.
My stepfather died last year and he was my mothers carer.
She had a stroke a few years ago that left her paralysed down most of her left side and she’s now wheel chair bound.
I live close by and also have 2 younger brothers, 1 lives with her, (let’s call him bro 1), one lives about 20 mins away (bro 2) and I’m on the same road.
We all agreed when my stepdad passed away that bro 1 that lived with her would be her carer, bro 2 and I both work full time, I’ve got young children, so it just made sense.
Our grandparents also live across the road so we all help out and chip in, but my brother is her carer, he doesn’t work and is about all day. He was happy with this arrangement.
I’ve had a text this evening off my mum to say my bro 1 has gone to stay with bro 2 and she’s been alone since 5:30. Her home help who come 3 times a day came about half an hour ago and she’s in her P.J’s and watching telly, she’s asked for me to come round soon to take her to the toilet and put her to bed.
Now I don’t mind that at all but why have my brothers not told me about this? I would have gone round earlier and sat with her so she wasn’t alone! She shouldn’t be on her own! It’s been nearly 3 hours!
My grandparents are away for the weekend so she’s not even got them across the road!
I’m sitting with her now but I’m fuming they’ve left her, and they’re ignoring their phones.
I’m also mad that she knew about this plan and didn’t decide to tell me till now, what if I’d gone out for the night?
I really want to kill the pair of them!

You sound as if you are up to ninety, and wallowing in self pity and needless resentment.

It's not your DB's fault that your child has medical problems or that you and your DH work so hard and have bills to pay.
Your DB is not necessarily ungrateful or whatever you think he is for turning down your DH's offer of a fishing trip. Maybe fishing is not his thing? Maybe he prefers not to hang out with your DH?

Your DB1 gets very little money and has had certain home comforts provided to him by the grandparents in return for basically staying home and being available for your mum should she need help. Should he sit and stare at the wall all day every day? What he has is not much of a life for a grown man, and there is no future for him in it. Maybe he would give an arm or a leg to have a home of his own, a job, a wife, children.

Would you prefer to see your mum in a care home?

Yes he’s her carer, yes he works hard, but he has it a lot easier than most!
How easy he has it compared to others is neither here nor there. He works hard, you admit, at the job that he is responsible for and he has apparently agreed to do it willingly.

And it’s getting to the stage where he’s letting us (me, my nan , grandad and auntie) do all the hard work. He’s got people to clean, cook and shop for him.
Is he any use at cooking? Does your mum complain about his cooking? How much cleaning is generated by two adults, one a wheelchair user? He can't get out to the shops if you insist your mum must not be left alone.
Are you or someone else rushing in and doing stuff he would do otherwise, or breathing down his neck while he tries to get on with it? Is he the sort that just backs away when there are others trying to do a job that is his?

He wants for nothing!
I doubt that.

Do you just want other people to have to work as hard as you do?

You are complaining about a situation that your mother contributed to - she let the home help go without telling him/her that Bro was off for the evening (and surely the home help could see that anyway?) Your mum could have been in touch with you earlier to give you a heads up.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill. You should talk to the brothers to ask that a contingency plan be put in place if someone wants a day/night off. Getting in touch tonight will probably result in an almighty row, to judge from your posts here. That would not be productive.

You mention so many small niggly things that are quite unreasonable to be annoyed about, on top of big important things like your child's medical problems and your financial situation and being stretched so thin with work and children, and your language here ('killing your brothers') is not warranted .

Needing so badly to vent about every single thing on your plate and doing so on MN is fine as far as it goes, but I would try very hard to take the time to go to your GP to talk about anxiety, stress, and how you could deal with it all better.

Did something happen that you’re not being told about? Has he maybe fallen out with your mum or something?

Just seems odd.

YANBU, OP. They should have contacted you first.

The care arrangements currently in place are inadequate for your DM's needs. If it hasn't already been done she needs an assessment under the Care Act via Social Services, if one has been done it needs an urgent review. Your DB should not have left your DM without ensuring her needs were being met, the carers shouldn't have just left her if the realised she was going to be alone overnight and should have raised it as a safeguarding issue.

Support for full time carers is inadequate but it does exist, if your DB intends to be her carer he needs source support such as respite care. If he isn't prepared or able to safely care for DM then a more formalised care package needs to be put in place.

Did he come home? Did he have a reason why he left your Mum without letting you know?

What the hell is going on here. Bloody hell.
Yes op. It's obvious you're making do with a sub standard job, just get a better one... What the actual...
I apologise on behalf of all reasonable humans for some of this shite on here. I don't often comment, but I feel compelled.
He has left a vulnerable person alone. It's very unreasonable of him given your explanation. It doesn't sound like he made any provision. And the fact he isn't answering shows his guilt and irresponsibility. As someone with two wanker brothers I deeply sympathise.

I cannot believe some of the responses you’ve had here. As a person with a child with a chronic condition, your brothers should be doing everything possible not to call on you.

It does sound as if your mother needs a lot more support and I’m surprised at the carers attitude to just leaving your mother. I also don’t understand how your mother can possibly think she’d be ok to be left alone. Is she in denial or does she in some way not understand her limitations?

Yes your brother living with her is her carer but he also gets daily support and weekend respite so perhaps he isn’t the person, who needs to be looking after your mother. I imagine he’s quite young and it sounds as though he needs his own life. I do think you need to get a proper assessment for your mother and totally reliable care.

@Penfold007 my mother was in e a tray the same situation as OP, all her children worked and she was left alone over night. Care was reduced from 24hour to four visits per day....cut backs.

She wore a lifeline, she pressed this if an emergency arose and we would be alerted.

I don't think the level of care you think OPs mother requires exists any more, it's a case of doing the best and family taking up the slack.

@Loulou87 I understand your frustration but I do think you're over reacting. Have a calm conversation with your brother about what can be done when he needs a very well deserved break. Also you need to factor in what happens when he goes on holiday.

I appreciate he doesn't work but caring is 24/7 and can be very hard work.

To just leave her think your brother might of had enough. Unbelievable hard being a carer and presume he's quite young and is increadbly tied with caring commitments . He needs a life and think you should review the situation long term . He is sacrificing his own future to look after your mother .

Totally agree with Penfold and Bibesia.

If you're a carer you don't ever leave someone like that without organising cover. What he did was dangerous. If he ever does this again, he may not have the maturity and commitment to be her carer. Not everyone is suited to it.

I don't think the level of care you think OPs mother requires exists any more, it's a case of doing the best and family taking up the slack.

Depends what you mean - if you mean state funded, then yes services have been majorly cut back. But you can have as many private care hours as you like depending on your needs and budget.

YANBU OP. Your brother was a twat, as are half the posters on here it seems. Glad to see some sensible voices appearing this morning.

Some of the replies on here are ridiculous! Get a better paid job etc what the fuck?! OP, I hope you're ok. I have a lot of experience with caring for a parent and with having siblings who didn't pull their weight.

It makes sense that your brother does the bulk of the care as he lives with your mum but if he isn't actually doing it then maybe it is time to look into other options? Could you see if your mum is entitled to direct payments or continuing health care funding that would allow her to employ carers, if she needs someone with her at all times?

AllStar
Yes, I particularly liked the better paid job comment cos that’s just so eeeezy.

OP, I hope you are managing to get some sleep!

You are not being unreasonable. At all. Your DB is her carer, as agreed and as such should have made proper arrangements. You know this, you don't need to post on here. AIBU reminds me of Jerry Springer shows where the audience aren't really there for the problem, they are there for the drama, the chair throwing, heckling the people on stage until fights break out.

Talk to your brother. Find out the full story. Work out a plan to avoid a repeat incidence. Good luck!

There's a lot of resentment here, make sure it's directed in the right place OP.
Your mum may not "love' to go into a care home but I'm sure none of you 'love' caring for an older person in the prime of your lives. And you're all only 12 months in, this could go on for years. Sometimes it's a case of what someone needs rather than what they want.
But yes, you're brothers lack of communication was poor. I suspect he's struggling tbh. What are the long term plans? Is he going to live there forever? How old is he? No plans for a relationship, marriage and DC?

@clubcuts I'm not suggesting that 24 hour at home is available,. A carehome may be what is needed but keeping people in their own homes is the preferred option.

My DF had a condition that saw him go from paraplegic to tetraplegic. With the support of SS a care package was put in place. 4 visits a day from carers to hoist him and do his basic care needs. DM managed to do the rest with help from us.
This was fine until she broke her leg just before Christmas, she hasn't made a good recovery. I had to take over DF's care and look after DM supported by the formal carers.
Sadly DF died a few weeks ago. DM is currently in hospital having broken her dominant arm. The outlook is pretty bleak.

You are quite correct when you say cut backs are negatively affecting both carers and the cared for.

OP, I hope you are ok this morning and have managed to get some restful sleep. Please ignore some of the ridiculous posts on here. You are clearly up against it and must feel like you are being pulled in all directions. All you are asking for is some co-operation and clear communication, not a lot to ask for obviously. I cannot believe how some people have reacted and suggested you get a better job, do the caring yourself etc etc. Totally unrealistic! Your brother agreed to be her carer and as such should take his responsibilities seriously. Wishing you all the best, I really do understand your need to vent. You’re doing an amazing job.

I can understand why you are angry at him. He didn't let anyone know he was going to bro 2, grandparents away and you at work. I'm going to guess he still thinks of the whole situation the same as when Step father was there caring, he could pick up and go when ever he pleased.
He doesn't just earn 64 a week for doing this, he gets 64 a week to with as he pleases, he lives in your Mums home, I doubt he pays rent, electric, gas, tv, etc etc.
If he is burned out he should have spoken to the family about it not just up and go. Maybe he should find a full time job somewhere and Mum will have to be cared for elsewhere meaning he will also need to find a place to live.
Will Social services uo the number of care visits? The maximum round here is 4 a day. Still cheaper than a nursing home.

@Penfold007 apologies I thought you were under the impression that 24 home care was still available.

My mum managed really well with the carers and us popping in and helping out. But she had many hours alone, although she also went to day centres. She was really reluctant at first but once she'd gone she loved them! Everything was at the right height for things like the hairdresser, she loved the social side as well. But ultimately she was alone over night and whilst others may find this a frightening prospect we had no alternative.

I recall once being at work and my sister who lives abroad phoning me screaming at me "I've just rung mum and the carers haven't been, you've got to get their now" I was furious, I said no I'll ring the carers company and see what's happened and they will get there, if they can't I will arrange for one of us to get there. She who visited once every other year was great when telling the rest of us what we must do!

Ultimately mum should've phoned us or pressed the lifeline! But she chose not to! If OPs mum is perfectly capable of making decisions and had told the carers to leave her, that's her decision! After all she's physically impaired not mentally and therefore can make decisions. As did my mum!

Morning OP.

I hope being able to rant on here helped last night despite the very odd responses.

I also hope your DB is ok as you said is it very out of character.

Wow. The responses on here are awful. Your bothers left a vulnerable person alone with zero thought. You sound stretched to the limit and need some support. It doesn’t sound like your is taking his duties seriously. But have a rational conversation with him.