Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To want to kill my brothers

122 replies

Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 20:15

This might be a long one but I’m so angry.
My stepfather died last year and he was my mothers carer.
She had a stroke a few years ago that left her paralysed down most of her left side and she’s now wheel chair bound.
I live close by and also have 2 younger brothers, 1 lives with her, (let’s call him bro 1), one lives about 20 mins away (bro 2) and I’m on the same road.
We all agreed when my stepdad passed away that bro 1 that lived with her would be her carer, bro 2 and I both work full time, I’ve got young children, so it just made sense.
Our grandparents also live across the road so we all help out and chip in, but my brother is her carer, he doesn’t work and is about all day. He was happy with this arrangement.
I’ve had a text this evening off my mum to say my bro 1 has gone to stay with bro 2 and she’s been alone since 5:30. Her home help who come 3 times a day came about half an hour ago and she’s in her P.J’s and watching telly, she’s asked for me to come round soon to take her to the toilet and put her to bed.
Now I don’t mind that at all but why have my brothers not told me about this? I would have gone round earlier and sat with her so she wasn’t alone! She shouldn’t be on her own! It’s been nearly 3 hours!
My grandparents are away for the weekend so she’s not even got them across the road!
I’m sitting with her now but I’m fuming they’ve left her, and they’re ignoring their phones.
I’m also mad that she knew about this plan and didn’t decide to tell me till now, what if I’d gone out for the night?
I really want to kill the pair of them!

OP posts:

Loandbeholdagain · 16/06/2018 22:23

Agree with everyone else. Try to get this in perspective and speak to your brothers when you’re a bit calmer. Maybe work out sounds agreements about time out for him and when you can cover him/what notice you need for a non emergency.

gamerwidow · 16/06/2018 22:32

When you see your brother you need to say 'There's not problem with you going out but can you make sure you let me know next time and I'll make sure I'm around if mum needs me'.
It sounds like a one off unless it keeps happening even after you've asked to be told if they're out then you can start getting cross.

Original poster

Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 22:42

Yes I agree I am being angry on here but that’s what these platforms are for, are they not?
I’ve sent my brother a message that simply says I’m with Mum but could you let me know in future, if I was out she would be alone. He’s still ignored me.
It is out of character and I do think my mum has played a big part and maybe told them she’s ok’d it with me? She still saying she’s alright and can be left alone and she told them she’s ok so they left her. I doubt this but why the hell not check with me first? We rely on communication, they know what my mums like,, hates a fuss,, so why not double check it’s alk ok. I’m angry that they’ve done it in case I’d have said no, which I wouldn’t have done.

OP posts:

LadyOdd · 16/06/2018 22:45

Exactly Lottie, people seem to think she’s begrudging his night out which she’s not she’s upset that no one was contacted or told his plans.

CrochetBelle · 16/06/2018 22:46

I can’t afford not to work

I'm sure the 64 quid a week your brother is worth as full time carer makes his life wonderful.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 16/06/2018 22:55

Fucking hell, no idea why people are being so judgemental here. You’re allowed to vent, and the bottom line is you’re upset that no one told you your mum was alone when you could have been with her and you’re upset about what could have happened.

It’s not worth getting upset with your brother, he knows to let you know and didn’t.

Take care OP.

Original poster

Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 23:03

CrochetBelle. Yes that on top of his handouts from my mum, the PS4 and 50” telly my grandparents bought him and the fact that he’s forever ordering stuff online, his 64 quid is working out fine!
I don’t begrudge him but just bloody let me know what’s happening! If anything had happened I’d have been oblivious, that’s my point!
Yes he’s her carer, yes he works hard, but he has it a lot easier than most! And it’s getting to the stage where he’s letting us (me, my nan , grandad and auntie) do all the hard work. He’s got people to clean, cook and shop for him. He wants for nothing!
All he had to say was “im going out with bro 2 tonight sis” and it would have been no problem it never is.
I’m just mad at the lack of communication. Maybe it’s our fault for being too soft on him?

OP posts:

Original poster

Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 23:03

Thank you Dianna xx

OP posts:

Miladamermalada · 16/06/2018 23:06

She needs proper care not home helps. She should be being hoisted and the like. Can you not get any aids and adaptations for her?
I think the bro1 being expected to be main carer just cos he lives there sounds unfair-even if he's 'ok' with it.
You need a rota, and the agreement that you cover before making plans. Use it as a learning experience.

Original poster

Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 23:22

We have asked him time and time again if he is happy and he says yes. Bro 2 lives 20 mins away but we rarely see him, he lives with his girlfriend and dog. I do what I can when I can but inbetween work, school, kids, hospital it’s tiring and I get no bloody life! Yet bro 1 is happily sat on his PS4 every time I go round.
I run my self ragged for them but I’m the bad one?!

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 16/06/2018 23:26

So how do we refer to someone who's reliant on a wheelchair, if not "wheelchair bound"? Just asking..

Ollivander84 · 16/06/2018 23:34

Single - wheelchair user

Original poster

Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 23:38

CrochetBelle also I find it funny you picked that line “I can’t afford not to work” out of the post that stated my son had chronic kidney problems. Did you see that part? I’m sure his mum being stressed out and worried on top of all the other stuff he’s got going on makes his life wonderful aswel! Or should I just shove him to one side? Cos I clearly I’m neglecting my brother,, stuff my kids!!

OP posts:

worridmum · 17/06/2018 00:33

If you are so annoyed about his caring of your mother why dont you move in with her or get a better paid job for paid career or a nursing home for her?

Full time career is so much harder then a normal job or even looking after children because with children they go to school. And with normal jobs you get paid well have breaks and paid holiday......

Walk a mile in his shoes before you judge saying he has it better then others.

Like saying to a victim of a violent attack thats currently their own home your so much better off then some people....

worridmum · 17/06/2018 00:34

As they are homeless and been attacked.

Original poster

Loulou87 · 17/06/2018 01:16

Walk a mile in his shoes? I’ve been with him everybody step of the way! I’ll just leave my children and move into a house with no space for me shall I?
He has all the support he needs and more. I on the other hand am struggling to juggle work, children, mum and now the fact I have to be psychic and guess when my brothers gone out.
And yea I’ll just get a better paid job that fits in with my family’s needs, they’re so easy to come across aren’t they!
And I’m sure my mum would live the thought of being put in a home!

OP posts:

Bibesia · 17/06/2018 01:24

Odd responses here. As has been pointed out, OP's mother was left in a potentially very dangerous situation if, e.g. there was a fire. It's perfectly clear OP doesn't begrudge her brother going out, she rightly objects to her mother being left on her own when it was totally avoidable.

Imagine if OP had posted that, say, her brother had left a 5 year old totally on their own when she would have been perfectly happy to babysit. Answers would be very different.

VimFuego101 · 17/06/2018 01:30

I cant imagine being a full time carer to someone as dependent as you describe, I think your brother deserves some sympathy. Is this situation (your mother living at home with you all providing care) really sustainable in the long term or do you think you need to consider other options?

PurpleCrowbar · 17/06/2018 01:34

Actually I'd be pissed off too.

Either Bro 1 has made completely adequate & agreed arrangements with their mother (maybe home help staying later to settle DM for the night) - in which case all good & no need for DM to text OP for help.

Or Bro 1 really hasn't made the appropriate arrangements & DM needs OP to come round & help out - which she's said she's perfectly willing to do.

Either way, if OP's involvement is needed this evening a bit of notice would be helpful!

I think I'd be taking Bro 1 to task & saying 'look I agree you are entitled to a night out, & I am of course happy to come over & fill the gaps - but next time, bro, how about you or mum call me & explain your plans - then I can factor in an evening with mum without suddenly getting an unexpected text from her saying she needs assistance? '

I think if I were your brother I might be arguing for it to be a regular thing to give him a chance to go out & relax. But better communication isn't an unreasonable ask on your side.

Naughtykitty · 17/06/2018 02:16

I can't believe what I'm reading with some of these responses. Yes your brother is allowed a night off but he should have told you or arranged to make sure your DM was looked after. YANBU.

I would be annoyed too. However, I would give yourself to calm down and then when you do speak to him, just mention it calmly and tell him you don't mind him going out bla bla of course but could he just let you know so you can make sure you're there.

Ignore all the horrible messages. You're all doing the best you can to look after your DM but of course you don't want her left on her own. X

penguingirl · 17/06/2018 03:22

Hi op, yadnbu. Your brother has behaved terribly. Unlike other posters I have rtft and can see that he gets plenty of recompense for what he does, and he isn't even a ft carer as your mum has carers doing pop ins to help with personal care etc. Your mum is obviously vulnerable and your brother should not have just upped and left her without telling anyone. Especially since it seems to be for the whole night since you said she goes to bed at 10 and you were still posting after that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/06/2018 03:56

YANBU.
Even if your mother had said "I'll be ok" it would have been clear sense to have called you to let you know that he would be out all night and that you might be needed to cover, just in case you had something else on!!

I can't believe all the witterers on here - honestly.

Next time you speak to your brother, I suggest you put forward the suggestion of an action plan, should he want to go out again, that includes letting ALL your mother's carers KNOW exactly what will be happening.

As for not picking up his phone, well, we can be kind and assume it's out of battery, but if the other one isn't picking up either then that seems rather unlikely. Unless they went to the cinema together.
Still, dial back on wanting to kill them for now and set up a system to ensure this situation never happens again.

KC225 · 17/06/2018 04:25

Some overly harsh messages on here. What is it about late night posts - they always seem to be gunning for the OP.

I have read the full thread and the OP has no problem with the brother going out but as back up support he should have let the OP know. The issue is lack of communication not him going out. How hard is a text? What if the OP had gone out? The mother was clearly complicit in this, as in 'I'll be fine - you go' but she wasn't OK. The mother needed help which the OP was able to provide but was prepared for.

You have every right to be annoyed. Ignore the 'you do it then' night time keyboard warriors. Deep breath tomorrow and ask all of them - brothers and mother and grandparents to keep you in the loop. Perhaps a what's app group. One text serves all.

Monty27 · 17/06/2018 04:43

Sensible advice kc
Op your DBs are probably grouping which is good. But the lack of communication is rubbish. I reckon your DM wanted to see you so was happy to stay up and get you over

gingergenius · 17/06/2018 04:56

Also RTFT and so sorry you've been given a hard time op.

Is it possible that bro1 is feeling overwhelmed but doesn't know how to say it?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread