To want to kill my brothers

[Loulou87]

This might be a long one but I’m so angry.
My stepfather died last year and he was my mothers carer.
She had a stroke a few years ago that left her paralysed down most of her left side and she’s now wheel chair bound.
I live close by and also have 2 younger brothers, 1 lives with her, (let’s call him bro 1), one lives about 20 mins away (bro 2) and I’m on the same road.
We all agreed when my stepdad passed away that bro 1 that lived with her would be her carer, bro 2 and I both work full time, I’ve got young children, so it just made sense.
Our grandparents also live across the road so we all help out and chip in, but my brother is her carer, he doesn’t work and is about all day. He was happy with this arrangement.
I’ve had a text this evening off my mum to say my bro 1 has gone to stay with bro 2 and she’s been alone since 5:30. Her home help who come 3 times a day came about half an hour ago and she’s in her P.J’s and watching telly, she’s asked for me to come round soon to take her to the toilet and put her to bed.
Now I don’t mind that at all but why have my brothers not told me about this? I would have gone round earlier and sat with her so she wasn’t alone! She shouldn’t be on her own! It’s been nearly 3 hours!
My grandparents are away for the weekend so she’s not even got them across the road!
I’m sitting with her now but I’m fuming they’ve left her, and they’re ignoring their phones.
I’m also mad that she knew about this plan and didn’t decide to tell me till now, what if I’d gone out for the night?
I really want to kill the pair of them!

@Juells it isn't about getting 'permission' - it's about the three siblings working together to ensure their mum is looked after and not at risk. He doesn't have to seek OP's permission to go out - he can just tell her he is doing so and ask her if she can go round for toilet and bedtime duty or if he should arrange for an additional carer. He can't just go out on a whim and fail to do his bit in ensuring a plan is put in place which means his mum is safe. It IS unfair on him - but that's the situation. He - and his siblings - do have an additional responsibility which they have willingly taken on because they love their mum and that additional responsibility can't be ignored. He was wrong to not either let you know or arrange an extra care visit / an overnight carer so YANBU there, OP. He doesn't HAVE to let you know so that you can go and sit with your mum (unless she requires another human being with her 24h in which case he should have arranged this or asked you to do so) but it would have been thoughtful of him. I would wait to hear what he has to say before making it clear you are pissed off as you may not be party to the full story yet.

Sounds like she needs a bigger care package.

Day care.

Telecare (ie fire alarm that goes straight to you and your DB’s phones)

Do you have fall sensors or anything like that?

Is her bedroom and toilet downstairs?

Who owns the house- what happens once she needs residential care?

It sounds like she’s quite young if she still has living parents? She’s likely to need care for a very long time. (The average residential stay is only 2 years)

I am a full time carer (24/7, no respite) and I'd be angry with your brother, too. Yes, caring is stressful - I totally understand his need for the PS4 and online shopping (the high points in a life of care!), but he has responsibility, he has to ensure that your mother is never left alone, and he should have told you. My Dad's immobile without a hoist, I am his 'legs' - every drink he wants, every box of tissues, every speck of dirt on the carpet he spots from his chair - he can't deal with them, that's what I'm there for - and if he were to be left alone he could suffer. I can't imagine just going out and leaving him!

OP's DB isn't actually a FT carer, as other carers are coming in 3 x a day - something FT careers would kill for!

@Clubcuts, the Care Act talks about safeguarding and says this
:
42Enquiry by local authority

(1)This section applies where a local authority has reasonable cause to suspect that an adult in its area (whether or not ordinarily resident there)—
(a)has needs for care and support (whether or not the authority is meeting any of those needs),
(b)is experiencing, or is at risk of, abuse or neglect, and
(c)as a result of those needs is unable to protect himself or herself against the abuse or neglect or the risk of it

You don’t have to lack capacity to be vulnerable. You can be vulnerable because you are highly dependent on someone and don’t want to make a fuss if they leave you alone for long periods.

With regards to the in continence pads, I understood that OPs mum had rung because she couldn’t get to the toilet, but can’t remember now! Regardless of whether you are wearing pads or not, you need to be able to get to a toilet if you are continent surely? Basic human dignity!

@weaselwords you're wrong! I have experience and incontinence pads are used when people cannot get to the toilet. As I've stated my mother was I. The same position and just had carers coming in four times a day. Her children also went I but she was left alone many times and overnight.

When it comes to care at home if that where the person wants care, it can't always be 24 hour. It's just not always possible and that's life.

I think all of the overnight care falling on one person is unreasonable and not sustainable long-term. Even if nothing happens there is an associated mental load.

Fair enough, be cross at him for leaving his mother in an unsafe situation but I think solutions also need to be looked at that aren’t the brother automatically doing all the evenings and overnight care.

Instead of him having to ask for time away, why not “roster” the OP and the other brother so that the carer DB has, say, 3 evenings a week without responsibilities and two nights completely free? The OP could do one and the other DBro the other. It just seems a very limited life for a young, single man (and equally would for a young, single woman).

Yanbu to be annoyed but it sounds as if it was a one off fall down in communication. Sort it out today calmly and hopefully it won't happen again.

Why shouldn't he sit on the PS all day? What is he supposed to do if he's stuck in the house? Sit and chat to his mother? What young person wants to do that?

I think the OP and her brothers should be looking at some other arrangement, this one will break down.

@Clubcuts, I’m not wrong. It’s neglect and entirely avoidable if the OPs brother had rung her to say he was out all day. The OPs brother is the main carer of a vulnerable person. Plus, we don’t know if she was in incontinence pads and she couldn’t get to bed.

Him going out without telling you is very unreasonable. However the way you talk about aspects of his life is also unreasonable; you complain about him sitting on the PS4, what else do you expect a twenty-something to do all day when they are stuck in the house? The way you mention him having his shopping done for him is weird, how is he meant to go shopping if he's not allowed to leave her by herself? You say he wants for nothing; he probably wants some kind of a sex life he's probably not getting much constantly supervising his mum

We have an issue like this at the moment. One of our family really needs 24 hour care now, but doesn’t have enough money for private care. The care she has been offered is 3 visits a day, one to get her up, one to get lunch and one to put her to bed. About 15 minutes each time. So no one to do tea for her and the family is expected to do it. The problem is we all work, some have kids and a few of us have health issues of our own and so she is left alone overnight and a fair bit during the day. Her son doesn’t want to be a carer. We are now discussing whether she will need to go into a home, against her wishes, as we just cannot provide the level of care she needs.

I think in your case it may be worth discussing together what options there will be if your brother decides he doesn’t want to do it anymore. He may feel he can’t say this at the moment and spending hours on the PS4 may be his only escape. If this behaviour is out of character, as you say, it may be worth actually talking to him rather than going in all guns blazing. As a young person i wouldn’t fancy going out fishing, but I might be resentful of seeing all my friends living their lives carefree. How receptive will you be if he says, I don’t want to do this anymore? He should have said he was going out, but it seems like this, plus them ignoring their phones could be a sign that your brother isn’t as happy as he seems

@BarbedBloom, I'd be pushing for evening call as well, play hardball and say you can't do it, so they have no alternative, it's your parents right to,stay in their own home with assistance.

It sounds to me like your brother is coming to the end of the road, but doesn't know how to say so. He must be feeling very trapped.

How receptive will you be if he says, I don’t want to do this anymore?

I was wondering this too. While he may have been asked repetitively about where he’s ok and said he was, this action may be the first sign that he’s not. There needs to be a plan in place so that if he says that he doesn’t want to, then that’s ok. Not, “Well, if you can’t do it then WHAT are we going to do? DM would hate a care home. It no one else can look after her so it would be all your fault”.

Excuse typos.

People do change their minds as well. It may have been OK to begin with but it’s not now.

YANBU OP. He should have told you.

My mum also had a stroke that left her badly paralysed and my stepdad is her carer. She was only 47 when it happened, she's now 72. I dread to think what I'd do if my stepdad goes first. It's a tough situation isn't it?

@clubcuts It isn’t a parent, but an aunt. We are currently trying to get this put in place, but the care system here is so stretched that I think they are struggling to accommodate. Family can’t afford private care without selling the house. We are more discussing the home option because the condition is terminal unfortunately so there will come a point where the visits just won’t be enough and hospice would only take her in last fortnight. It would be a lot easier if we didn’t all work the same hours really.

@Clubcuts Actually that's not entirely true about pads. They are not just used for the incontinent, I have witnessed so many instances of people with poor mobility bring forced to use them even though they're continent, they are unable to get to the toilet unaided but the care/assistance isn't in place for them to have help getting to the bathroom/commode :-(
Any update OP? Hope you're all ok and have managed to have a civilised conversation about the way forward for you all.

@penguingirl I never said they were used for incontinent people? I said for people lacking mobility and therefore cannot get to the toilet. As in my mother's case.

@Clubcuts
Apologies I misread your previous post, this part:
I have experience and incontinence pads are used when people cannot get to the toilet.
Not sure how as it is perfectly clear. I must have misread get as go or something. I often get a bee in my bonnet about those people who are continent having to sit in wet pads due to lack of funding for longer periods of care being available though!

Whilst I can absolutely appreciate why going into a care home is an awful thought for some, I cannot imagine watching my daughters break their necks caring for me and refusing point blank to go into a care home.

I’d be falling over myself not to “burden” them like that.

llangenith - I see in the OP a person who is stretched to her limits, who might need better ways of coping with stress than indulging in thoughts of killing her brothers. Venting online is all well and good but it can cause a spiral of negative thoughts. It does not always exorcise the stress.

When it has got to the point where someone unleashes the kitchen sink - major problems in her own life, unreasonable OTT language and responses wrt her siblings - maybe it is time to assess her own needs.

From the OP, it seems this was a one off. The situation can be revisited when the smoke has cleared, and mutual trust can be reestablished. I think it would be helpful when discussion tome rolls around if the OP could separate in her mind her own family situation from the one involving her mum. Her brothers are not responsible for the problems she faces. Yes, it impacts on how much care she can devote to her mum, but expressing resentment or thoughts along the lines of 'Brother 1 has the life of Reilly' are going to result in bad feeling, and no progress on the communication front.

Hopefully it won't develop into a situation where the OP takes on the role of policing the brothers, building a cycle of further resentment and stress for her.