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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to kill my brothers

122 replies

Loulou87 · 16/06/2018 20:15

This might be a long one but I’m so angry.
My stepfather died last year and he was my mothers carer.
She had a stroke a few years ago that left her paralysed down most of her left side and she’s now wheel chair bound.
I live close by and also have 2 younger brothers, 1 lives with her, (let’s call him bro 1), one lives about 20 mins away (bro 2) and I’m on the same road.
We all agreed when my stepdad passed away that bro 1 that lived with her would be her carer, bro 2 and I both work full time, I’ve got young children, so it just made sense.
Our grandparents also live across the road so we all help out and chip in, but my brother is her carer, he doesn’t work and is about all day. He was happy with this arrangement.
I’ve had a text this evening off my mum to say my bro 1 has gone to stay with bro 2 and she’s been alone since 5:30. Her home help who come 3 times a day came about half an hour ago and she’s in her P.J’s and watching telly, she’s asked for me to come round soon to take her to the toilet and put her to bed.
Now I don’t mind that at all but why have my brothers not told me about this? I would have gone round earlier and sat with her so she wasn’t alone! She shouldn’t be on her own! It’s been nearly 3 hours!
My grandparents are away for the weekend so she’s not even got them across the road!
I’m sitting with her now but I’m fuming they’ve left her, and they’re ignoring their phones.
I’m also mad that she knew about this plan and didn’t decide to tell me till now, what if I’d gone out for the night?
I really want to kill the pair of them!

OP posts:
FesteringCarbuncle · 17/06/2018 07:54

Ignore the group pile on op
When 1 starts they follow like sheep
Of course yanbu
Proper arrangements should have been made. Does he have any respite scheduled in to the arrangement? That could be the way forward so you are not taken by surprise
If he is stressed he needs to tell someone not just go without arranging cover

ErictheGuineaPig · 17/06/2018 07:56

Absolutely bizarre responses on here. Really unnecessarily unpleasant. Of course being a carer is a big commitment for the brother and it must be tough, but that doesn't mean you just go out for the night and leave a vulnerable person alone. Op has had a fright, finding out her mum has been left alone like that. I found caring for my young children tough at times and I deserved time off but imagine if I'd just left them alone for 3 hours and buggered off?! My husband would have been as shocked and upset as the op - especially if, like the op, he'd have happily stepped in for me to take the time I needed.

llangennith · 17/06/2018 07:58

Long nasty post from mathanxiety

ElspethTascioni · 17/06/2018 07:59

But your mum appears to be able to tell you and she didn’t want to. May be she fancied some peace? So because of that, YABU

brummiesue · 17/06/2018 08:10

How old are you and your brothers? It seems clear that the arrangements in place are not really sustainable. Yes your brother maybe shouldn't have left her for that long but being a full carer as a young single man must be incredibly hard. Yes you say you and your other brother help but he is the one there overnight if she wakes, helping in between carers, he probably does an awful lot more than you realise, im guessing resentment will start building soon.
Maybe you need to look at long term care becuse I cant see this set up working for years on end

Juells · 17/06/2018 08:18

I think the reason people are piling on is because the OP is being a bit unfair to the brother who is caring. Some of us have been carers for parents, and know that it's 'a prison without bars'. There are times when you feel like your own life is over, you can't go anywhere or do anything because you're looking after someone else every minute of the day. What would have happened if the OP's brother had phoned and said "I'm going out for the night"? Would the OP have told him their mum couldn't be left alone?

The OP's husband offering to take her brother fishing isn't a social life. I can't see this arrangement being sustainable for very long - by the time I was caring for my mother I had small children, and had had my years of a social life. But depending on the age of her younger brother, it's not reasonable.

nolongersurprised · 17/06/2018 08:22

YANBU, but a full time carer as a young, single person is not easy, even if he has enough “stuff”. If he’s made the commitment to all of his family he may not be able to say that he’s had enough, maybe this is his cry for help?

ErictheGuineaPig · 17/06/2018 08:26

Op stated very clearly again and again that she would have gone over and has no issue with him going out. People are ignoring that and piling on because they enjoy have a pop at someone anonymously. That's, unfortunately, what AIBU is all about.

nolongersurprised · 17/06/2018 08:29

Good point, juells

OP- how many times a week does your brother get to go out in the evening?

Lalliella · 17/06/2018 08:31

This is not fair on bro 1. He’s probably at breaking point. He needs to have some life of his own.

voldermorticia · 17/06/2018 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nolongersurprised · 17/06/2018 08:35

eric there’s a difference between people have “no issue” with you going out and having an active, single social life though. Maybe because his siblings are so busy DB feels he can’t ask for regular, consistent nights out? When I was single I could easily be out 3 nights a week, even if just to the movies.

His current responsibilities take the fun part out of being single. Can he still look after his DM with a hangover? What about bringing a woman home?

ElMarineroBaila · 17/06/2018 08:36

Ignore the hideous vultures op, I can see why you're upset with your brother, as can most reasonable people.

Juells · 17/06/2018 08:38

@ErictheGuineaPig

Op stated very clearly again and again that she would have gone over and has no issue with him going out. People are ignoring that and piling on because they enjoy have a pop at someone anonymously.

That isn't why I've posted. If you haven't been in the position of the younger brother it's very easy to say what he should and shouldn't do. Is he never to have a sex life? Never have a chance to meet someone? It's a desperately hard life, looking after an invalid, I wouldn't have done it in my twenties, I'd have broken and run away.

I banned one sister from coming to the house, at one stage. The district nurse told me it was what very often happened - the sibling who isn't living there breezes in from their free life and complains about what the carer hasn't done, tut tutting and noisily tidying and generally making her/his displeasure known at how lax things are. Well, try having it for 24 hours a day and seeing no release in the foreseeable future. You can go home to your own life, the carer is stuck there.

Clubcuts · 17/06/2018 08:41

@Juells I hear what you are saying! My second post sort of echoes that!

voldermorticia · 17/06/2018 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weaselwords · 17/06/2018 08:43

YANBU. This is a safeguarding issue and I would escalate it. You don’t leave vulnerable people unable to get to the toilet. Your brother could have easily arranged for you to go over and didn’t. This is neglect.

Juells · 17/06/2018 08:43

@ElMarineroBaila

Ignore the hideous vultures op, I can see why you're upset with your brother, as can people who've never been carers most reasonable people.

@ErictheGuineaPig

Op stated very clearly again and again that she would have gone over and has no issue with him going out.

How can you type that and not see how unfair it is? You're talking about a (presumably) young person. Maybe in his twenties? "I have no issue with you going out provided you have my permission first."

This arrangement is unsustainable.

nolongersurprised · 17/06/2018 08:44

If your brother was to say, “Actually, this is untenable and I hate it and I’m going to stop”, who would look after her?

Clubcuts · 17/06/2018 08:48

@weaselwords how do you know the mum does t use incontinence pads? Why is it a safe guarding issue? The mum phoned the daughter she's capable of making decisions so why is she vulnerable?

voldermorticia · 17/06/2018 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FurryDogMother · 17/06/2018 08:52

I am a full time carer (24/7, no respite) and I'd be angry with your brother, too. Yes, caring is stressful - I totally understand his need for the PS4 and online shopping (the high points in a life of care!), but he has responsibility, he has to ensure that your mother is never left alone, and he should have told you. My Dad's immobile without a hoist, I am his 'legs' - every drink he wants, every box of tissues, every speck of dirt on the carpet he spots from his chair - he can't deal with them, that's what I'm there for - and if he were to be left alone he could suffer. I can't imagine just going out and leaving him!

Hope you've managed to resolve it with your brother now. Us carers probably have it tougher than most people 'see', and yes, we're entitled to a life (still waiting for mine, it seems to be on hold at the moment!), but ultimately our first responsibility is to the person we're caring for.

dundermiflin · 17/06/2018 08:53

This thread is so fucking weird. As if the op doesn't know what's involved in caring for her Mum or how her brother spends his time. If she says he's sat on his PS4 most of the day then that's what he's doing.

Op if you and your grandparents are run ragged then your brother isn't doing enough. Your mum needs full time care and she's not getting it. Either he wants to do it, or he doesn't.

Clubcuts · 17/06/2018 08:53

@FurryDogMother but not all families are able to offer that level of care! People can be left alone and sone have to be!

voldermorticia · 17/06/2018 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.