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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DP’s home is the house he shares with me?

122 replies

RubyWho · 16/06/2018 12:40

Ready to be told I’m U, here. Probably need some perspective.

DP and I have been together around 7 years and lived together for 5 of them- 2 in a previous rented house, 3 in our current rented house.
I see the house we are in as our home, no questions. I no longer have any possessions in storage or at my parents house.

DP refers to his parents house as Home. He has some possessions there still, mainly things he needs to chuck out tbh. He is still registered with his former GP (from when he lived at his parents), which is c. 70 miles from where we actually live.
We are both in our mid- late 30s if that’s relevant.

I’m not sure why it jars me so much that he refers to his parents house as home - I don’t do this but have a very different (awful) relationship with my parents so perhaps that’s it? He gets on well with his parents but I know they’re getting tired of housing his possessions when they don’t have room, and they’re annoyed at certain items of post and deliveries arriving there (and waking them up early on a Saturday AM...)
It just really upsets me when he refers to home - as in his parents house. He hasn’t live there since he was in his 20s.

AIBU/over sensitive?

OP posts:

Rachie1973 · 16/06/2018 12:41

I still say I'm 'going home' for a visit when I travel back to visit my family. Its just terminology.

cadburyegg · 16/06/2018 12:42

YANBU. Why on earth is he getting things delivered to his parents house? And he really needs to register with a local GP, unless he wants to drive 70 miles every time he needs to go to the doctor.

ltk · 16/06/2018 12:45

I refer to my actual home as home (ya know, the place I live with dp and dc), but I still say I'm going home to visit my parents. It's a different meaning for the same word. Like a shorthand for 'the place I'm from'.

GoldenButtercup · 16/06/2018 12:46

Home is where I live. When I was in contact with my parents I would say "going to see mum and dad on Sunday" never "home".

Original poster

RubyWho · 16/06/2018 12:47

Thanks all. Re terminology, when I’ve asked him about this previously, he maintains that his parents home is his home and that is that...

He is currently making the 140 mile round trip when he needs to see the GP. This usually involves a day off work.

OP posts:

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 16/06/2018 12:49

A lot of people use the phrase going home when they go to their parents house, it's just a phrase.

I never called my rented houses home as they might have been the places I lived but they weren't mine so I never classed them as home.

TidyDancer · 16/06/2018 12:49

My DM's house will always be home. It doesn't mean my own house isn't home as well.

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. It might be irritating but I'm failing to see what real impact it has on you.

SeaCabbage · 16/06/2018 12:50

I think some people do refer to their childhood house as home and it usually doesnt' mean anything. I assume he calls your house together, home as well??

However, to not change your doctor is plain stupid.

And leaving stuff there when it annoys the parents is annoying.

RainySeptember · 16/06/2018 12:50

Well my home address is my current house, where I live. But I still say 'going home' when I visit my parents in my home town.

He's still registered with his old doctor because he rarely sees a doctor and is too lazy to find a new one. Ditto moving unwanted crap from his parents home and updating the delivery address registered with some online retailers - laziness.

I don't know why any of it bothers you though. Who cares if he's got crap in his childhood bedroom, has some things delivered there because he knows his parents will be home to take delivery? I can see why it might bother his parents, but not you.

Are you seeing all of these very minor things as signs that he's not fully committed to you?

Dungeondragon15 · 16/06/2018 12:58

I don't see why it would upset you. It's more of an irritation for his parents if he is still storing things at their house. Referring to visiting parents as "going home" just seems something that a fairly young person would do. I might have done it in my 20s but would seem very odd to say that in my 50s. It's a little bit immature for 30s too but no reflection on his feelings for you.

InfiniteCurve · 16/06/2018 12:58

Where I live now is my home - but I still refer to "home" when talking about my parents and family life when I was growing up.My DParents are both dead and the house is sold,but my subconscious still has that scenario pegged as home.

FreudianSlurp · 16/06/2018 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

donajimena · 16/06/2018 13:01

I'm 46. I moved out at 18. I called my parents house home until they moved 5 years ago. Now its mum and dads.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 16/06/2018 13:01

I think the issue is you feel he lacks commitment to you,demonstrated in this actions
Hence your sensitised to where he calls home,eg its not where you two reside
Re the GP he must be using parents address.and 140mile trip,that’s wholly unnecessary

adaline · 16/06/2018 13:04

My parents house is "home", just as the house I own with DP is also "home".

isittheholidaysyet · 16/06/2018 13:05

Haven't lived with my parents for over 20 years. Left when I was 18. Now living over 70 miles away, having travelled around a bit.

Home is with DH and DC's

BUT I still call my parents house and town home. Winds DH up.. I don't know why it feels that way. I think because these people knew me from the womb. Saw me grow. Taught me and formed in in my formative years. It's a deep emotional thing. I wouldn't want to live there again though.

DappledThings · 16/06/2018 13:06

I call my house home. I also say I'm going home when I visit my parents even though they've only been in their house 4 years and it's 2 houses and 100 miles away from where I grew up.

I also refer to PIL's house as home occasionally.

Rollawolla · 16/06/2018 13:09

Lived with partner for years still call parents house as home.. I think it might be something to do with the fact that your parents can never break up with you or end a marriage (unless you have a bad relationship with parents) and if anything goes wrong you can always go there and not be rejected that's how I feel I don't know about others.. Just based on my own reflection

RoomOfRequirement · 16/06/2018 13:09

What does he call your house? To me, both my childhood home and current home with DH are both 'home'. I think that's pretty typical of everyone I know.

catinasplashofsunshine · 16/06/2018 13:12

Lots of people refer to their parents house as "home" - I do find this a bit infantilising personally, but am very aware that this is just me and its a fairly normal habit people fall into without much thought.

Most people will say if actually asked that it's just a figure of speech, and their own independant home (with partner and / or kids, or alone) is home, and their parental home is just that - their parental or childhood home, their roots, somewhere which will also always feel like home. So "home" with inverted comments or a caveat.

Staying registered at his parents' GP and actually responding to your question by saying his parents' house is his home to the exclusion of his home with you is a different level to most people though.

Your "partner" sounds as though he also requires inverted commas around his title in relation to you, and as if he regards his life with you as temporary, like be away at college! I'd get shot of a man child like that if you're over about 22 and want any partner to be a life partner tbh.

JobQuery · 16/06/2018 13:14

Does he also refer to your home as "Home"? So he'd say "let's go home" or "Off home" at work?

If so YABU.

SUper weird about the gp unless there is a backstory with medical issues.

starfishmummy · 16/06/2018 13:15

With my DH it's just laziness that he has stuff still at his parents and hasn't changed go
P surgery (it's not 70 miles away though, probably about 2 ). I suspect there might be some post still goes there but nothing important. I do remember his Mum handing him a letter from somewhere financial - which she had opened. I mentioned that he needed to tell the sender he'd moved and she said there was no need!! I wrote the change of address letter that night and got him to sign it. (I suppose that makes me as bad as her 😁😁 but I do leave him to open his own mail)!!

JobQuery · 16/06/2018 13:15

I've been living in this country for years, married, had my children here and the house I grew up has been sold several times over, but I still "Go home".

Nanny0gg · 16/06/2018 13:19

My dad called his parents' house 'home' and he never lived there!

I don't think that it's the terminology that's the problem. It's the fact that he won't change GP and he still has parcels delivered.

He hasn't cut the apron strings.

GorgonLondon · 16/06/2018 13:19

Yanbu, he really needs to grow up. 140 mile round trip to visit the GP is crazy.

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