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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DP’s home is the house he shares with me?

122 replies

RubyWho · 16/06/2018 12:40

Ready to be told I’m U, here. Probably need some perspective.

DP and I have been together around 7 years and lived together for 5 of them- 2 in a previous rented house, 3 in our current rented house.
I see the house we are in as our home, no questions. I no longer have any possessions in storage or at my parents house.

DP refers to his parents house as Home. He has some possessions there still, mainly things he needs to chuck out tbh. He is still registered with his former GP (from when he lived at his parents), which is c. 70 miles from where we actually live.
We are both in our mid- late 30s if that’s relevant.

I’m not sure why it jars me so much that he refers to his parents house as home - I don’t do this but have a very different (awful) relationship with my parents so perhaps that’s it? He gets on well with his parents but I know they’re getting tired of housing his possessions when they don’t have room, and they’re annoyed at certain items of post and deliveries arriving there (and waking them up early on a Saturday AM...)
It just really upsets me when he refers to home - as in his parents house. He hasn’t live there since he was in his 20s.

AIBU/over sensitive?

OP posts:
Onlyoldontheoutside · 16/06/2018 13:45

These behaviours seem like the tip of the iceberg to me.

Original poster
RubyWho · 16/06/2018 13:46

Well. I am both U and NBU. Which is sort of what I thought?

This does remind me of a memory I’ve blocked out involving his car insurance which was, yep - you’ve guess it- registered at his parents. As was his car. And breakdown cover.

It took his Dad pointing out the insurance and car details had to be listed as where he currently resided. His dad is ex police so was livid, and terrifying. DP failed to see the problem. And then did. I assume he changed it all.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 16/06/2018 13:46

I don't see my GP very often so when I do I'm feeling extremely ill, and a 140 mile round trip for a 10-15 min appointment would most definitely not be what I wanted!

OP, you're right. It is weird.

Original poster
RubyWho · 16/06/2018 13:47

He doesn’t have ASD. I do, however. Which is why I wasn’t sure if this would be something that others thought was a bit odd.

OP posts:
Southfields · 16/06/2018 13:47

Whoops I should have added ... if he were to sustain an illness or injury in which a GP needed to visit him at home, they would be furious to find "home" is 70 miles away. I don't think they would even attend, to be honest.

You always think it won't happen to you, but it happened to me - an accident - and if he could not make it to the docs in person, he would not be able to drive to his parents' house in order for the doc to come to him there.

PinkHeart5914 · 16/06/2018 13:48

Yes I think your over sensitive

Mum and dad are home to me so when I go visit yes I am going home and I’ve got a key to my parents as well. Sometime I have to ask dh or look for a letter of I want the postcode for the house I own with dh....

So your new GP is a bit rubbish and you wait an eternity for an appointment well in that case I can sort of see why he hasn’t bothered changing gp plus if he isn’t a sickly person that needs a gp all the time it’s not really a big deal.

RainySeptember · 16/06/2018 13:48

Maybe he really likes his family GP and quite enjoys staying with his parents, so there's no incentive to change.

Original poster
RubyWho · 16/06/2018 13:49

Re am I happy with the way things are - I’m not sure. No DCs, he wants them, I will not have children before we are married (not because I’m traditional but because i don’t want to be in a very vulnerable position).

OP posts:
MardAsSnails · 16/06/2018 13:50

We live 3.5k miles from ‘home’ and have done for over 10 years.

If he goes back to the UK alone and stay at his parent, hes goin g home. If we both go back at the same time, he usually says he’s going back to the UK and is staying with his in laws, rather than home.

We’ve lived in our house for 5 years now and have no intention of moving.

Doesn’t bother me that he still refers to that as home.

catinasplashofsunshine · 16/06/2018 13:52

Ruby I think you're right on no children before marriage.

Can you imagine bringing up children together in a house he refers to as "the house" and won't even acknowledge is his home?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 16/06/2018 13:52

have a think what the misgivings are. Are they insurmountable?are you compatible?
That’ll guide your decisions. But don’t waste time on a guy you're incompatable with
Ask him directly, are we going to get married?if he umms and ahh that’s your answer

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/06/2018 13:53

Home is the house where I grew up in and my parents reside. I suppose it always will be until they die. I have lived in my current house hundreds of miles away for a decade, I dont see why its a big deal what its called, it is what it is.

catinasplashofsunshine · 16/06/2018 13:53

Is he marriage averse? It would fit with the whole college student outlook he appears to have!

Original poster
RubyWho · 16/06/2018 13:55

He is not marriage averse, that I know of. He’s always spoken about it as something that would happen. May be total BS though for all I know.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 16/06/2018 14:00

So ask to set a date,see his reaction.modest wedding 6mth is more than adequate

Caaarrrl · 16/06/2018 14:01

The use of the word hometo describe his parents' house is not really the problem. The fact that he calls your home together the house, indicates that he has no attachment to you or the home that you created togther IMO. What you have said about car insurance, breakdown cover and the GP is far more weird.

It is completely unreasonable to still be registered with a GP 70 miles away.If he was ever really ill, he would not be fit enough to drive that distance without putting other road users at risk. Also, patients often need to ring at surgery opening time to be given an urgent appointment for later the same day.

catinasplashofsunshine · 16/06/2018 14:02

You're both mid to late 30s, together 7 years and living together 5, and want children together but not until after you're married...

He refers to your home together as "the house" and his parents as "home" and will not consider referring to your joint house as home.

He is still registered at his GP "at home" i.e. at his parents house even though his unannounced overnights at his parents to access the GP annoy his parents and cost him income.

He gets parcels delivered to "home" i.e. his parents house even though this annoys his parents.

He talks about marriage as if it is something that will happen.

When do you think the marriage has to happen by, before your fertility declines? If you are 35 now, then it would be sensible to be booking the registry office this week...

Is he aware that the clock is ticking?

He seems a long way from ready to commit!

ZispinAndChai · 16/06/2018 14:08

The GP thing is weird, as is having deliveries to his parent's house (especially when they're not thrilled about it). Not sure about the terminology itself.

I probably thought of my parents' house as my home, too, in a way, until they moved from my childhood home, and I finally found a place I genuinely felt was my home myself, rather than just somewhere to rent temporarily. But I did have my own adult life fully arranged around where I actually lived.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 16/06/2018 14:09

7year dating you should have had the big conversation and both be clear on where relationship is going. Cohabitation,kids,money,should all be transparent & discussed
It really shouldn’t be ambivalent whether he’ll marry you,no date set
He’s not compelled to marry of course,but if he doesn’t want to he needs to be clear
If your position is no kids before marriage,he needs to definitively tell you if he’ll marry you
The GP,and terminology are not in themselves untoward but all put together with other stuff you’ve said it suggests lack of commitment

happymummy12345 · 16/06/2018 14:10

Personally I consider home where we live. My dad is storing some things I want to keep but don't have room for here (he has the space and doesn't mind at all. But my home is where I live (which is 250 miles from where I was born and grew up).

GabsAlot · 16/06/2018 14:10

the gp wont travel that far and wil strike you off if they find out

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 16/06/2018 14:11

GP won’t undertake a HV that far away,and he’s probably gave addesss as parents

SparkyTheCat · 16/06/2018 14:16

There can be 'home' in the sense of where you grew up, and 'home' in the sense of where your life is now. They're two different things. As pp have said, I wonder whether your sensitivity to this might be a symptom of underlying issues?

adaline · 16/06/2018 14:18

It really doesn't sound as though he's that committed. He might be living with you, but that's where it ends. It doesn't mean you're at all committed to that person. I assume his parents' don't want him at their house, and living with you is cheaper than living alone.

I don't think the GP thing is especially odd. I'm registered at the GP near my parents' because it's also in the town I work in, whereas if I want the GP here, it involves either waiting for a day off, or missing at least half a day of work in order to get to my appointment, then drive to work before/after.

But that, combined with the terminology and his apparent lack of commitment to you, would have me wondering whether he actually wanted to be with me or not.

Sidge · 16/06/2018 14:21

I think people replying "what's it got to do with you?" are missing the point somewhat.

Calling his parents' house "home" isn't the issue - the issue is his complete inability to behave like a committed adult. He sounds spectacularly selfish in that he doesn't give a shit that his parents and partner are being inconvenienced by his refusal to grow up.

I would be really pissed off with this, and catinasplash sums it up perfectly: He's a selfish and foolish immature idiot by the sound of him. He's deliberately pissing off 3 other people because he doesn't want to grow up and be an adult in a grown up relationship with his own independent home.