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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DP’s home is the house he shares with me?

122 replies

RubyWho · 16/06/2018 12:40

Ready to be told I’m U, here. Probably need some perspective.

DP and I have been together around 7 years and lived together for 5 of them- 2 in a previous rented house, 3 in our current rented house.
I see the house we are in as our home, no questions. I no longer have any possessions in storage or at my parents house.

DP refers to his parents house as Home. He has some possessions there still, mainly things he needs to chuck out tbh. He is still registered with his former GP (from when he lived at his parents), which is c. 70 miles from where we actually live.
We are both in our mid- late 30s if that’s relevant.

I’m not sure why it jars me so much that he refers to his parents house as home - I don’t do this but have a very different (awful) relationship with my parents so perhaps that’s it? He gets on well with his parents but I know they’re getting tired of housing his possessions when they don’t have room, and they’re annoyed at certain items of post and deliveries arriving there (and waking them up early on a Saturday AM...)
It just really upsets me when he refers to home - as in his parents house. He hasn’t live there since he was in his 20s.

AIBU/over sensitive?

OP posts:
darkroom · 16/06/2018 13:19

My husband and I still talk about 'your house' (his parents), my house (my parents) and our house 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
RubyWho · 16/06/2018 13:21

Thanks all. I think the irritation on my part of a reflection of how I think he views me/our relationship probably.

He refers to our home as “the house”.

I also think a lot of this relates to my really awful (abusive and neglectful) upbringing and my desire to have something, a safe place that is mine. So I’ve worked really hard to make sure that our rented house is truely my home, not just somewhere we are living for now. I realise we don’t own it, but I’ve made it “ours” or mine at least as much as I can without owning it.

To the posters pointing out the post and GP as laziness, you’re right of course. As is not bothering to learn our full postcode...

OP posts:
Snugglepumpkin · 16/06/2018 13:21

My son has lived in the same house since he was 6 weeks old.
He has never known another.
I think, no matter where he lives, as long as I live here it will be home to him.
Not necessarily the home he lives in then, which will really be his home, but it will always be the home of his childhood, of his life before bills & adult responsibilities, the home where when you get to the door, they always let you in because it's home.

I thought of my parents house as home until they moved even though I have spent most of my life not getting on with my mother.
But that was where I had my bedroom, where I spent my childhood, where I grew up with my sister who will always be my best friend in the world. Home is where decades of our shared memories were formed.
I think of my parents new house as their home, but never mine.
I used to feel comfortable in the old one in a way I never do in the new one because I was a part of the family who lived there, it was a place I belonged.

Cacofonix · 16/06/2018 13:25

I can't believe he does a 140 mile round trip to see a GP. What an idiot! Grin

catinasplashofsunshine · 16/06/2018 13:28

Calling your home together "the house" and his parents home "home" does mean something IMO. If he called both houses "home" it would be pretty normal.

Never calling your home "home" as well as not changing his GP, getting parcels delivered to his parents, not learning your post code etc. is not and is quite pointed actually!

Calling your home "the house" especially when he knows that it means a lot to you for it to be home is cold. He is telling you not to get comfortable because he's only there for now.

pictish · 16/06/2018 13:29

“He is currently making the 140 mile round trip when he needs to see the GP. This usually involves a day off work.”

Seriously? I’m sure his employers and colleagues love that. I have little opinion on what he calls his parents’ house but I think a 140 mile round trip to see a GP is crazy!

GabsAlot · 16/06/2018 13:29

he so9un ds like a tit and youre not meant to have a gp that far away afaik unless special circumstances-if an energency appt needed or phone call what does he tell them

pictish · 16/06/2018 13:29

Cacofonix - x posted. What an arsehole eh?

GoldenButtercup · 16/06/2018 13:30

He refers to our home as “the house”

Sad oh dear.

busybarbara · 16/06/2018 13:31

He is currently making the 140 mile round trip when he needs to see the GP.

That isn't laziness, it takes five minutes to switch. There is some sort of mental or emotional issue here to do something so bonkers and you are right to pick up on it as weird behaviour.

itsstillgood · 16/06/2018 13:32

I say going to my Dad's now he has moved away from where I grew up. When my parents separated and my mum moved out, that was mum's house. However when visiting my Dad in the house I grew up in, it was still I am 'going home' 15 years after I had stopped living there and 10 years after I bought a house (which is very much home). Home is a place you feel a sense of belonging to I think and very acceptable to have different places that tick that box.
On a practical more he needs to sort out deliveries and collect his stuff, that is just laziness.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 16/06/2018 13:33

YABU re him calling his parents house home. I still say I'm going home when I visit my parents and I own my home and have lived there & in previous home with DH for 7 years. My DH also sometimes refers to his parents' house as home. It's just normal terminology for a place you lived for a long time. It's silly to let it upset you when it's quite a normal thing to do.

He should definitely register with a GP closer to you though, and stop getting deliveries to his parents'. It's just silly and inconvenient not to.

itsstillgood · 16/06/2018 13:34

GP thing is just mad. What is his reason?

Original poster
RubyWho · 16/06/2018 13:35

As far as his GP knows, he has not changed his address. If he needs an emergency appointment, he will stay at his parents the night before (on their sofa and generally just rocking up - which they bloody hate) in case said appointment is 20 mins from the call.
For those saying his parents need to ask for the key back, he’s needed access to the house in recent months due to an emergency (on their part, they asked him to get x y z from the house thus the key. Also so he can remove his stuff without them being there - HA!)
Writing that all down it seems absolutely ludicrous.

He’s self employed, so his days off generally don’t impact anyone other than him, and his earnings (don’t get me started).

OP posts:
Pleasebeafleabite · 16/06/2018 13:35

Failing to see the impact on you

Original poster
RubyWho · 16/06/2018 13:36

He says he can’t be bothered to change GPs as he so rarely goes. I changed my GP the moment I arrived in New Town (where we live). Yes local gp is not as great as former GP, and wiaiting times for appts are longer, but tough tits?

OP posts:
Pleasebeafleabite · 16/06/2018 13:38

Then it’s tough tits for you surely as you have to wait longer to see a less desirable gp

pictish · 16/06/2018 13:39

But he can be bothered with a 140 mile round trip when he does go?

Nah - something is short circuiting in his wiring there. It takes minutes to register at a local GP. The GP thing is very fucking weird.

catinasplashofsunshine · 16/06/2018 13:40

This annoys his parents and you, and impacts his earnings/ costs him money when he has to see a GP.

He's a selfish and foolish immature idiot by the sound of him. He's deliberately pissing off 3 other people because he doesn't want to grow up and be an adult in a grown up relationship with his own independent home.

reddressblueshoes · 16/06/2018 13:40

That does sound strange. For me, 'home' was always somewhere else - i.e., visiting my parents was going home, going back again to our rented flat was going home- until we bought our house which is now saved in my home as phone and moved back to our hometown which is why I just say I'm going to mum and dads.

Calling both home wouldn't bother me, what he's doing suggests he's not committed to his life with you.

Original poster
RubyWho · 16/06/2018 13:41

A longer wait maybe but I have little choice personally given that I do need to see my GP relatively regularly. Ho hum

OP posts:
Onlyoldontheoutside · 16/06/2018 13:41

My ex has things at his parents house in 'his' bedroom until his mum went into a nursing home.
Home is where ever I live at the time,my mum's house is just that and her home.On holiday going back to an apartment I will refer to it as home while there.
I see what you mean about your DH though calling where you live the house.His parents need to get behind annoyed and start refusing to accept deliveries as not at this address.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 16/06/2018 13:42

Where do you see the relationship going?are yiu happy with how things are?any kids?

Southfields · 16/06/2018 13:44

It's against NHS rules for a doctor to have a patient who lives 70 miles away, as it's outside their catchment area.

I found this out when I moved 1.2 miles ... yes, that is just over a mile ... and when I rang my doc to inform of change of address they told me I had to change surgeries.

busybarbara · 16/06/2018 13:45

Coming out of left field here, could he have an ASD? Irrationally holding on to long term behaviours despite causing him huge inconvenience jumps out at me and you also mentioned self employment which is super common in high functioning.