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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DP’s home is the house he shares with me?

122 replies

RubyWho · 16/06/2018 12:40

Ready to be told I’m U, here. Probably need some perspective.

DP and I have been together around 7 years and lived together for 5 of them- 2 in a previous rented house, 3 in our current rented house.
I see the house we are in as our home, no questions. I no longer have any possessions in storage or at my parents house.

DP refers to his parents house as Home. He has some possessions there still, mainly things he needs to chuck out tbh. He is still registered with his former GP (from when he lived at his parents), which is c. 70 miles from where we actually live.
We are both in our mid- late 30s if that’s relevant.

I’m not sure why it jars me so much that he refers to his parents house as home - I don’t do this but have a very different (awful) relationship with my parents so perhaps that’s it? He gets on well with his parents but I know they’re getting tired of housing his possessions when they don’t have room, and they’re annoyed at certain items of post and deliveries arriving there (and waking them up early on a Saturday AM...)
It just really upsets me when he refers to home - as in his parents house. He hasn’t live there since he was in his 20s.

AIBU/over sensitive?

OP posts:

JurassicBark · 16/06/2018 14:21

@RubyWho Is he falsifying information with his GP then? It's the responsibility of the patient to update their contact information and in the worst case scenario it may mean that GP is not taking on new patients because he is still on their books.

Simply put, he's possibly committing fraud.

Cambionome · 16/06/2018 14:23

I don't think that you have"underlying issues" op, I think your dp is not fully committed to having a relationship with you.

Calling his dparents house "home" is fine, it might just be habit, but the gp thing and leaving loads of stuff at his parents... no. He's either very immature, or he just doesn't want to make a proper commitment to you. Sorry.

Cambionome · 16/06/2018 14:26

Sidge has it. Exactly this.

The issue is his complete inability to behave like a committed adult

BertrandRussell · 16/06/2018 14:27

We referred to our childhood house as “home” until it was sold. I think a lot of people do this.......

Sparkletastic · 16/06/2018 14:30

Oh dear. Somebody has got issues with being a grown up. And it ain't you OP.

Glumglowworm · 16/06/2018 14:34

It’s not just him referring to it as home, lots of people do that, while still seeing the place they actually live as home.

It’s that he doesn’t see the place he lives with you as home or permanent in any way. Travelling 70 miles to see a GP is ridiculous, as is having deliveries sent to his parents house.

He needs to grow up and be an independent adult. It’s not about terminology, it’s about no longer being a dependent child and being an adult with a home and life with you that’s separate from his parents.

GorgonLondon · 16/06/2018 14:37

We referred to our childhood house as “home” until it was sold. I think a lot of people do this.......

Just because a lot of people do it doesn't mean it's not weird.

I moved out of my parents' house at 17 and immediately started calling it "my parents' house" or referring to by address.

Home is where I live, now. Not where I used to live once upon a time.

Used to make me cringe at university when people would talk about going home for the holidays. But then I thought they were infantilised in a lot of other ways too.

If my husband referred to his parents'house as 'home' I'd see it as indicative of deeper problems - which is clearly true in op's case.

hammeringinmyhead · 16/06/2018 14:38

Agree he can't be bothered to change anything because he sees it as temporary despite living there three years. What does he use as proof of address for things? Has he changed address at the bank?

DarlingNikita · 16/06/2018 14:38

He needs to grow the fuck up. I wouldn't dream of getting things sent to my mum or dad's house, or going to a childhood GP and staying on a parent's sofa to do so

TheLionRoars1110 · 16/06/2018 14:38

He sounds strange. Him calling your joint Home the house would upset me too OP.
He's far from ready to commit.
Really odd behaviour about the GP and the car insurance.

brizzledrizzle · 16/06/2018 14:39

Home is lots of places; when we're on holiday and going back to where we are staying we're going home. Home would be my childhood home if it was still in the family, it doesn't mean anything to me if I have more than one place I call home - I dislike where I live now and it doesn't feel like home but I still call it home.

NewYearNewMe18 · 16/06/2018 14:44

I still refer to my parents houses as 'home' despite having owned my own house for the thick end of 30 years.

What would you say to 2nd generation settlers in the UK who go 'home' ie overseas to visit relatives?

Its simply terminology.

Re deliveries - isnt it normal to get stuff delivered where someone will be in to receive it? Bugger fucking about at the post office sorting office at 7.30 on a Saturday morning when you can easily have it delivers 3 roads away and pick it up.

Pleasebeafleabite · 16/06/2018 14:45

A lot of subjectivity on this thread - he is "spectacularly selfish" and "foolish" for a start

OP has had to change addresses with service providers twice already her DP hasn't

OP has had to change GPs at least once and is now with a GP not as good as her DPs and who she has to wait longer to see

He stays with his parents in the rare eventuality he visits the GP. When was the last time a young healthy adult managed to get a GP home visit. I think my last home visit was 2004. If he was seriously ill no doubt he'd go to A & E

I have five different delivery addresses attached to my amazon account depending on where I want the delivery to go. I think it is safe to say that DP is wanting his parents to take in his parcels or he would just change the delivery address with whoever he is ordering. There's no law to say it has to be his home address. Presumably for ease and having someone available to sign given he is self employed

Many adults have stuff still in their parents lofts garage etc. Especially if they are moving house on a regular basis. I dread to think what lives in my mother's loft

I agree there may be a certain amount of Failure to Launch going on but it principally sounds like laziness to me. No need to faff about keeping changing addresses or moving out his stuff. Hardly indicative of not wanting his own independent home. Which by the way he actually has, by way of living with the OP and all

lottiegarbanzo · 16/06/2018 14:45

He sounds quite infantile and not fully ready to commit to an adult relationship. That makes me wonder whether he's just immature, complacent and likes the comfort of feeling 'looked after' by his poor old parents, or, whether he doesn't see you as 'the one'.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/06/2018 14:48

I was going to say that, althought I find the 'home' thing a little bit infantile, it's also very affectionate about his family (a good trait) and very common.

It's the rest of it, suggesting his attachment to life wiht you is not fully formed and is all a bit conditional, that worries me.

Butterymuffin · 16/06/2018 14:56

Start asking 'are you going home this weekend?'

DarlingNikita · 16/06/2018 14:58

What would you say to 2nd generation settlers in the UK who go 'home' ie overseas to visit relatives?

Its simply terminology.

I don't disagree with this, but in this man's case it's not just terminology – he still goes to the GP in his childhood area and gets things delivered there.

isnt it normal to get stuff delivered where someone will be in to receive it? Bugger fucking about at the post office sorting office at 7.30 on a Saturday morning when you can easily have it delivers 3 roads away and pick it up.

And bugger letting the people you've had it delivered to have a lie- in/get on with what they're doing, rather than being interrupted or woken up by someone else's parcels arriving? He treats his parents like the concierge.

HollowTalk · 16/06/2018 14:59

He's selfish in that his parents clearly want to live their own life in their own home without his things lying around and without him turning up unannounced. They have every right to do that.

He's just being ridiculous regarding the doctor. He'd be crossed off their list in an instant if they knew where he really lived.

He's not quite grown up, has he? He wants to be a teenage boy, still living at home with his parents, but being allowed to stay out overnight with his girlfriend.

At your age, OP, I think you need to give him an ultimatum and if he refuses to meet it, leave to find someone who is capable of an adult life and a family.

Lockheart · 16/06/2018 15:13

I have two homes - where I grew up and where I live now. It's no big deal. If I'm visiting my parents for the weekend I'll say I'm going "home-home".

But he needs to sort his GP out and stop getting stuff sent to his parents!

AnnaMagnani · 16/06/2018 15:20

He would be offlisted by his GP in seconds if the GP knew.

Also if he needed any other services that are based on GP catchment - District Nurse, Speech and Language Therapist, Occupational Therapist, Dietitian etc etc etc they would be absolutely fuming at being referred someone 70 miles out of their area.

GP would need to refer him to hospitals near the GP, not near where you live.

And so on and so forth.

He needs to pull his finger out and re-register.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 16/06/2018 15:21

Is his driving license registered at his parents? I think you can get a large fine for not updating your details. What about his bank or tax details?

The GP thing is madness because if he is too unwell to get to the surgery he won’t be able to have a visit.

It doesn’t sound like he regards your relationship as permanent and I wouldn’t waste any more fertile years on someone who want fully committed to you.

Original poster

RubyWho · 16/06/2018 15:27

I’m going out on a limb here. I think all details are registered at his parents. Bank, tax. Certainly his driving licence. He was going a post grad qualification and I know he had registered his parents address with them as they got his certificates etc. He wasn’t living with them when he started nor finished the course.
He’s on the electoral roll here though. His name is on the council tax bill but not water; energy etc. He is on the tenancy agreement.
I’ve just asked him about this and he claims he doesn’t want to “keep updating the details on everything every time we move”. Except we’ve moved twice in seven years, hardly a travelling circus.

OP posts:

Dungeondragon15 · 16/06/2018 15:34

It doesn’t sound like he regards your relationship as permanent and I wouldn’t waste any more fertile years on someone who want fully committed to you.

You don't know that at all! He is probably just an immature, lazy arse. Not registering with a local GP is particularly stupid.

GorgonLondon · 16/06/2018 15:35

What would you say to 2nd generation settlers in the UK who go 'home' ie overseas to visit relatives?

I'm 3rd generation British and know many 1st/2nd gen immigrants. I would find it shocking if they talked about 'home' in that way.

FYI, it's considered very offensive to suggest that people born here are 'going home' when they go overseas.

Pleasebeafleabite · 16/06/2018 15:36

OP you can judge him by where he is GP registered, by the fact he stores things at his parents and chooses their house as a delivery address

You can judge him by how does he treat you? Does he pay his share of the bills? does he do his share of the housework? Does he show he loves you?

I know which I would base a relationship decision about

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