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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DP’s home is the house he shares with me?

122 replies

RubyWho · 16/06/2018 12:40

Ready to be told I’m U, here. Probably need some perspective.

DP and I have been together around 7 years and lived together for 5 of them- 2 in a previous rented house, 3 in our current rented house.
I see the house we are in as our home, no questions. I no longer have any possessions in storage or at my parents house.

DP refers to his parents house as Home. He has some possessions there still, mainly things he needs to chuck out tbh. He is still registered with his former GP (from when he lived at his parents), which is c. 70 miles from where we actually live.
We are both in our mid- late 30s if that’s relevant.

I’m not sure why it jars me so much that he refers to his parents house as home - I don’t do this but have a very different (awful) relationship with my parents so perhaps that’s it? He gets on well with his parents but I know they’re getting tired of housing his possessions when they don’t have room, and they’re annoyed at certain items of post and deliveries arriving there (and waking them up early on a Saturday AM...)
It just really upsets me when he refers to home - as in his parents house. He hasn’t live there since he was in his 20s.

AIBU/over sensitive?

OP posts:

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/06/2018 15:39

But your living in a rented house? I kept all my bank accounts registered at my childhood parents home until I settled permanently in the house I now own. I mean who wants to have to change all their details every 3/4 years.

Why dont you buy a house with him and settle down permanently?

hammeringinmyhead · 16/06/2018 15:41

It is not normal to get a parcel delivered 70 miles away rather than go to the post office in your own town to collect it. Especially when they are arriving on Saturday mornings and waking his parents up.

Original poster

RubyWho · 16/06/2018 15:46

Buying a house is totally out of the question, we have zero savings amongst us and my credit rating is shot to shit. We can’t move somewhere cheaper (we are in the SW England) due to both our jobs being heavily dependent on the area we live in. I’d quite happily move up north to be able to afford to buy, but I’d also like to remain employed.
I’ve always had to change my details (gp, bank etc) every time I’ve moved as I’ve had no choice - I couldn’t leave everything registered at my first house share and I don’t have a family home so to speak as my “permanent base” iyswim
In terms of how he is in general, he’s a bit lazy around the house (although that’s just different opinions - he’s happy to leave all washing up and cleaning till the weekend, I clean as I go). He’s generally attentive and supportive and loving. If he was a total bellend, I’d have told him where to sling his hook I like to think.

OP posts:

DarlingNikita · 16/06/2018 15:55

Why dont you buy a house with him and settle down permanently?

Oh yes, great idea. Why hasn't the OP thought of that?

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/06/2018 16:09

Oh yes, great idea. Why hasn't the OP thought of that? hmm
I was making the point that maybe that is what he is waiting for before he changes all bank account addresses etc.

DarlingNikita · 16/06/2018 16:12

Your point was not at all clear. Saying Why don't you' rather than saying e.g. 'Maybe if you buy a house with him he'll change his bank account addresses etc.'

But in any case, why does renting mean your life's on hold until or unless you buy? I rented until a few years ago, when I was in my late thirties, but I have managed to have my own GP and have all my parcels sent to my own address since I was 18 and moved out of my parents'. He's just not grown up.

StellaWouldYouTakeMeHome · 16/06/2018 18:01

Home is where family and loved ones are, you can have many of them, places don’t stop being home just because you don’t live there if people who are “home” to you still do

underneaththeash · 16/06/2018 18:22

My parents home didn't stop feeling like home until I had children. I remember commenting on it at the time. I would have been 31 by that time, owned my own house with an ex-dp for 7 years and then DH for 2 years.
I wouldn't take it personally OP.

Motoko · 16/06/2018 18:28

Why haven't you got married yet, or set a date? You're running out of time if you want children. Is he worth possibly never having children because he hasn't married you?

I do think that you should get married before having children, for your security, but you're running the risk of forever being childless unless you get a date set.

I agree with others, he's not committed to you, it's not just because he can't be arsed with the hassle of changing his address. It's a lot more hassle driving 70 miles to pick up a parcel or visit his GP. You've been together 7 years, how much more time do you need before deciding to actually get married?

And if his parents are pissed off about him turning up unannounced and using their place as a collection point, as well as having to store his things, why don't they tell him it has to stop? Threaten to refuse the deliveries, tell the GP, and give him a date to collect his stuff otherwise it'll go to the tip?

GorgonLondon · 16/06/2018 21:31

Don't you think that's a bit odd? I mean, what about couples who never have children, or not until they're in their 40s?

I had no idea that so many adults were still umbilically attached like this!

possumgoddess · 17/06/2018 07:46

Different viewpoint here, but I love it that my grown up daughter who lives 300 miles away still puts on Facebook that she is going 'home' for the weekend when she comes to stay with us. She didn't grow up in the house we live in now, and deep down I know that she is referring to the place we live in as her hometown (as in the place she was born and grew up in) rather than where we live as her home, and I know that her actual home is where she lives now with her partner, but it still gives me a bit of a warm glow......

ZispinAndChai · 17/06/2018 09:31

possumgoddess - That reminds me of an incident with my lovely, late grandmother. She had Alzheimer's by this point, and could get very confused, and was often reliving much earlier periods of her life in her head. She was having a worry about my father, and how he wasn't home, and for whatever reason the young me started telling her that [DF's name] was all grown up and would be safely in his own home at the moment. She gave me a stern, lucid look and told me very loudly and calmly: "My children will always have a home with me if they ever need it." Sniff. Random grandmother memory.

HelenTheHunter · 17/06/2018 09:34

We call own home 'home' and our parents houses both are referred to as 'home home'. It's never occurred to me before that this is probably weird

C0untDucku1a · 17/06/2018 09:43

I only love 8 mins drive from my parents (timed when i was pregnant with second and they were planning to have my first) so not quite the same but i get all my deliveries sent there. Purely because they are retired and rarely leave the house, and i work.

If he is fit to drive the 140 miles round trip for a gp appointment my question would be is that really a need for the gp, rather than pharmacist?

Whipsmart · 17/06/2018 10:32

I think people are getting distracted by how it's not unusual to call your parents' house "home" and not seeing how weird the rest of it is. Getting parcels delivered to them? If he's self employed there's no reason why he can't have parcels delivered to his home / office. And calling the actual home he lives in "the house" is weird. Do you ever call him on that OP?

scottishdiem · 17/06/2018 13:52

I live in a different country to my dad. I have never lived in the house he bought after my parents split up. I have never lived in the town he now lives in. But when I visit I say I say I am going home.

You have a slight control issue if it "jars" where your DP does it OP.

Elspeth12345 · 17/06/2018 13:58

Terminology-wise I think it's ok for him to refer to his parent's house as 'home' but that he should be referring to your place as 'home' too!

Some of the other things he does (e.g. getting deliveries to his parents' house, travelling 140 miles to see his old GP and storing a lot of his possessions there) are a bit weird. Particularly given that he is mid-late 30s, not mid-late 20s!

LeighaJ · 17/06/2018 14:02

YANBU, I would be greatly annoyed if my husband did that, as would he if I referred to America as my home. We both think our home is where we live together.

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/06/2018 15:31

He could be prosecuted about the wrong address on his driving licence. And if his car insurance is at their address too it will be invalid. He’s being really foolish.

Thesearepearls · 17/06/2018 15:36

As a parent to adult children, I would always want them to think of the house they grew up in as their home. It will always be open to them night and day, to their friends and relatives and I hope they will always think of it as a place to call home. No matter where they are, or how old they are.

But I think where you might be mistaken OP is that home isn't a singular definitive place. Homes can be in the plural. I have no doubt that your partner's home is with you and that his first loyalty is to you.
Which is as it should be. It's just that he has another place that is also home. A second home, if you will. :)

catinasplashofsunshine · 17/06/2018 15:52

Thesearepearls the op has explicitly stated that he does not refer to the house he actually lives in with the op as "home" but always as "the house". The only place he calls "home" is his parents house.

For a man in his mid to late 30s who has been living with his partner for 5 years and knows she places value on the idea they have a home together that is either cold as ice and a "don't get comfortable, the house we share is not my home" signal or jaw droppingly immature and likely to be a sign of some kind of social/ emotional developmental delay...

Motoko · 17/06/2018 16:36

OP are you coming back?

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