AIBU - Hen Weekend and 12 week old?

[NomDezPlums]

NC for this as potentially outing if other "hens" are on here.
Been invited to a friend's Hen Weekend - scheduled to take place when my first DC will be about 12 weeks old.
Mechanisms in place meaning I can go (supportive DH and family nearby to help him should he get overwhelmed!), but trying to figure out if I will want to leave my baby for a whole weekend at that stage.
More info to avoid dripfeeding:
-will be away Fri PM to Sun PM
-will be trying to EBF (so that's a lot of expressing to do in advance!!)
-about 130 miles away (so just over a 2 hour drive I reckon)
-will need to share a room, likely with multiple people some of whom I may not know (and if EBF goes to plan will need to express several times while away)
-cost is in the region of £250 and funds will be tight with the new baby
-doesn't seem like going (and only paying) for one night will be an option from chatting to Hen
-just been told deposits due in 2 days time so need to make a decision

Have suggested to Hen (I may be a CF here so feel free to tell me if I am) perhaps we can assume I am not going but then nearer the time if I find that it is something I'm comfortable with I will come with the cash to divide between the Hens or whatever (from the size of the place space shouldn't be an issue but similarly i wouldn't mind if my 'space' was given away because I couldn't commit). Obviously this solution is ideal for me but I understand if she wants me to commit ££ up front like everyone else. She's said she'll think about it.

Sorry about the essay - can anyone tell me how they'd have felt about leaving a baby at that age under these circumstances? Am I being a CF in my above suggestion? Thank you!

I wouldn't be going under those circumstances. Is there any possibility of joining for an evening / part of a day?

I wouldn't even consider leaving a 3 month old for a weekend tbh. Nothing else would be a consideration for me (in terms of feeding choice or how I felt in myself).

It's better to be honest up front and say no than dropping out later on.
Are there any activities organised seperately that you can join in? I.e. a meal out or a spa-day, then you can still get involved but not need to commit to the stay over or drinking?x

I wouldn’t go.

If you are ebf then I wouldn't even consider it. Establishing bf is hard enough without worrying about expressing a weekend worth of milk. Plus there's a good chance your supply will suffer from that long away from baby so early.

You might find this interesting:

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/224edd0e-e93e-407a-8642-323b61e2d648

You don't know how you will be feeling physically after birth - and that is a fair distance to travel. Could you maybe just go along for the day or part of the day - with relative keeping the baby near, or looking after it at home?

You could offer to take your friend for a meal or day out at some other point.

No, not a chance here either.

I think I would say no. EBF can be exhausting, babies can be hard work. Better to say no now than last minute

I would not have been able to leave my DD at that age. Firstly I wouldn’t have wanted to and secondly trying to pump enough milk in the run up and then having to pump so much when you’re away would have just been too much for me. The first time I left her overnight for 1 night she was 19 months (still BF).
Is there anyway if you did go that someone could stay close by with your baby so you could still do some feeds?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say you would like to see how you’ll feel closer to the time.

I'd have struggled with the feeding. You don't know if your baby would take a bottle. You don't know if you'll be able to express. Even if you can you will be messing your supply up expressing the amount you need for the whole weekend. It isn't as efficient as baby eating so your boobs will probably be hurting. You may be absolutely knackered.
There's a lot of unknowns - I'd give it a miss

Everyone's different but personally I wouldn't have been happy to leave my baby for that length of time at that age. An evening out, or a few hours away in the day absolutely, but a weekend away just wouldn't have been for me. If I was to spend time away it would have been to sleep or do something very relaxing rather than a busy weekend away where you may not get much sleep.

In terms of breastfeeding it is possible but difficult. You will have to do a lot of expressing beforehand (not always easy) and ensure baby is happy to take a bottle (which isn't always the case). You'll also have to pump regularly during the weekend to maintain supply and just to keep comfortable which isn't ideal on a hen weekend. All this is do-able, but another thing to stress about when tired with a 3 month old which just seems like a real hassle.

I think it's the one time in life where you're allowed to be a little bit selfish, think of yourself, your baby and DH. It sounds a bit like you don't really want to go but feel a bit obliged maybe? If that's the case, don't do it. But if you really want to go, go for it, but I agree with what you've said, committing at this point is really impossible, you just won't know until much nearer the time.

I wouldn’t go either. And I would be upfront about it now so that it is a done deal. You will want to spend time with your baby and you will be shattered.

Don't go. This sort of thing is massively self indulgent for the bride.

I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving my babies at that age but each to their own.

Although you may find that if you're EBF baby won't take a bottle. Lots of my friends had this issue.

I wouldn't have been able to go to this as a bf mother. I'd just say no OP, I'm sure your friend will understand.

I recently went to a hen do and my husband and baby stayed in a nearby Premier Inn, as it was a couple of hours drive away. I went to the daytime activities but went back to the hotel to my baby in the evening. He was 13 months but we cosleep and still breastfeed. Could that be an option? I think it would still be really tricky with a 12 week old though...

Absolutely not

The expressing alone will be a total ballache

A shame but people who have these hen dos that are like going on a fucking mission rather than going for a meal and a drink have to accept that some people won’t be able to make it

I had similar when mine was small and went for part of it, the morning at a spa, and then came back. It was only an hour away though.

I think I'd just say you can't possibly commit as no idea how things will pan out with baby. I wouldn't rule it out - I did a weekend away when youngest dc was tiny, but a) she wasn't pfb & b) she wasn't exclusively breastfeeding!

If hen needs a firm yes/no, it'll have to be a no (unless you are happy to pay up & maybe cancel later, forfeiting the cost).

But I reckon hen should give you the option to say 'probably not' then join later IF you decide you can manage & IF there is space. There'll usually be a last minute drop out or two.

If there isn't, & no room - ah well. It's highly unlikely it's the only weekend away with mates you'll miss over the next few years...

There's no way I'd do this if ebf. Bottle feeding would be different.

You won't want to go, don't part with any cash.

Nope I wouldn't go. It's very far and expressing for a whole weekend is going to be a right ball ache.

Another no from me. I was still in the Shell shocked phase at 12 weeks. And if you are late baby could even be only 10 weeks

I was in a similar position when I was pregnant and stewed over whether or not to go. I ended up pulling out which was the right thing to do. Once he was here I couldn't believe I'd even considered going.

Thanks for all the responses already- much appreciated.
Interesting article @food - almost makes me glad I don't have many friends 😂 Thankfully this seems to be a one-part Hen Do.

@waitingonasmiley42 - would the disrupted supply be likely even if I expressed regularly while away? Ie will being away for the baby mean I physically produce less milk irrespective of expressing?

Those asking if there's a meal or spa day I can go to - only activities outside the accommodation involve booze / nights out so not great if I am driving. They're having a meal cooked at the accommodation by a chef but timings won't be set like a restaurant and will mean a long drive back (2+ hours) potentially very late.

I like the idea of taking her out for a meal separately- more than happy to do that!

I exclusively expressed and at 12 weeks I needed to be near a breast pump for at least 30 minutes every 3-4 hours. Although it meant I could leave the house in between, I wouldn’t have been able to handle an activity filled weekend where I couldn’t be back in my room for the next expressing session. It will be painful if you skip a session or try to have a longer gap and you will then need to express for relief! Also think through the practicalities of storing the expressed milk safely while you are away, is there a fridge, ice packs to bring them home, or are you going to pump and dump.