AIBU - Hen Weekend and 12 week old?

[NomDezPlums]

NC for this as potentially outing if other "hens" are on here.
Been invited to a friend's Hen Weekend - scheduled to take place when my first DC will be about 12 weeks old.
Mechanisms in place meaning I can go (supportive DH and family nearby to help him should he get overwhelmed!), but trying to figure out if I will want to leave my baby for a whole weekend at that stage.
More info to avoid dripfeeding:
-will be away Fri PM to Sun PM
-will be trying to EBF (so that's a lot of expressing to do in advance!!)
-about 130 miles away (so just over a 2 hour drive I reckon)
-will need to share a room, likely with multiple people some of whom I may not know (and if EBF goes to plan will need to express several times while away)
-cost is in the region of £250 and funds will be tight with the new baby
-doesn't seem like going (and only paying) for one night will be an option from chatting to Hen
-just been told deposits due in 2 days time so need to make a decision

Have suggested to Hen (I may be a CF here so feel free to tell me if I am) perhaps we can assume I am not going but then nearer the time if I find that it is something I'm comfortable with I will come with the cash to divide between the Hens or whatever (from the size of the place space shouldn't be an issue but similarly i wouldn't mind if my 'space' was given away because I couldn't commit). Obviously this solution is ideal for me but I understand if she wants me to commit ££ up front like everyone else. She's said she'll think about it.

Sorry about the essay - can anyone tell me how they'd have felt about leaving a baby at that age under these circumstances? Am I being a CF in my above suggestion? Thank you!

@LaurieMarlow not necessarily. I formula feed and have never left my child overnight and he's 1. We are very closely attached.

I went to a hen do when my EBF DD was a similar age. I was a bridesmaid and the bride one of my best friends. Difference being that it was in my city, so i went back to my DD at night. I didn't like leaving her, and all the preparations were stressful, but the bride did do everything she could to make it easier for me. Helped that the chief bridesmaid who did the organising was very supportive as she had a breastfeeding toddler.

The main problems / causes of stress were:

• DD wouldn't take a bottle for ages, we finally got her to take one about a week before the hen
• Expressing enough milk before the weekend was hard work, i had to pump several times a day for a week
• I had to go off to the loo a couple of times to pump, which was fairly grim!

If you don't want to go then don't. In my case, I'm glad i did, i had a wonderful time and felt like i was claiming a bit of myself back after the newborn fog had started to lift. BUT all the hens and bride were very supportive and understanding (to the point of moving the hen to my city and everyone else having to travel/stay over while i went home at night!) It was very stressful in the lead up though, it's hard to leave a very little baby, and after a hard fought breastfeeding battle i was very reluctant to interrupt feeding, even for a couple of days.

I'm not saying all ffers would find it easier to leave their babies knees, but that for me the logistics of expressing would make what the OP is suggesting far too stressful.

Whereas if I was ff from the start, I personally would be more open to the idea.

Wow - loads more comments in the time it took me to write my last update - thanks a lot everyone. Seems to be a clear consensus here!

It would feel a bit of a piss-take asking DH to find accommodation nearby as this would mean he'd be away from the family support system I had mentioned and baby may not settle as easily (ha - "easily" - can you tell this is my first) away from home.

Thanks everyone. Genuinely glad IANBU and feel a lot better about talking to Hen about it now.

I formula feed and have never left my child overnight and he's 1. We are very closely attached.

Good for you but just because someone else leaves their baby overnight doesn't mean you aren't closely attached to them. It's up to the individual parents, what she means is that if ff it is logistically about a million times easier. Whereas ebf for a whole weekend is actually pretty much impossible.

OP just sat no for now, if in the end you want to go 95% of the time there will be at least one drop out.

Wouldn’t even be contemplating it.

One of the things I wish I knew when I had my DC was that it is right to be selfish and just think of you and your new family. I was so keen to keep everyone happy I ended up committing to things I didn't want to do and ended up in knots.

Just say no now and enjoy your baby without any thought about the hen. Honestly, my DSIS is in this position with friends and has refused to go to long events since the birth of her DS. These are ok for young single people but once someone has a baby, or two or three, they become expensive and too much hassle.

You will not believe how much you want to stay with your baby and while an afternoon away at that point would be perfect, a full weekend would be hell - I did it at 5 months with DD and she ended up refusing to breastfeed when I came home, and as I was inexperienced and heading back to work the following month I didn't pursue it. Now after breastfeeding 3 DC, I can say it is fab but hard work and although I expressed really easily, my DSIS and her friends couldn't express more than an ounce!!! So while you can plan all these things, the arrival of your new baby will turn your life upside down and only then will you know what works and what doesn't.

Good luck with it all and maybe go for a nice lunch with your friend

I’d say ‘no’ - too many variables for me.

You have no idea what your feeding will go like the start and the exhaustion can be debilitating.

You may well have a baby who latches easily, takes a bottle and sleeps really well but if you don’t you could end up having to cancel last minute.

I left my baby a lot earlier than 3 months for a weekend and all was fine. I had a great time and DH had a great time bonding with new baby.

I agree with everyone- extremely unlikely to be able to ebf and be away that long at that stage. And you are unlikely to want to be, although it works for some. I went to a hen when my little one was 8 weeks, but had my mum nearby to help and had dd with me all the time apart from joining in with an evening meal for 2hrs, the first time id been parted from her. The hen was a bit put out that I should have done more - when I felt I was doing great to be there. She didn't have kids and didn't get it. It's really affected our friendship to be honest.

I think it’ll be too much and you should let them know now that you can’t go.
Babies don’t always arrive on schedule they could be just 10 weeks when this weekend arrives.
You don’t know if you’ll be able to express enough milk. I EBF fine but struggled to get any milk out with a pump.
You don’t know if the baby will take a bottle, some do some don’t
You don’t know how you will feel, you might be fine but you might also be a sleep deprived zombie who just wants to stay in
You can’t really afford it and babies are expensive.

If you really really wanted to go I would say go for it but I think you’re on the fence so do a small local celebration for your friend e.g. take her out for coffee (or dinner if budget allows).

I only managed to leave ds (10 months) for 1 night for my own wedding!!

You may not even be able to express enough milk. Some women don't respond to expressing at all and expressing for some women can be really hard work and you may find yourself expressing too much to be able to enjoy yourself.

I wouldn't have been able to leave my daughter at that age either. I know some women can, but you won't know until baby is here if it will be a realistic option

Honestly don’t do it- you need to keep your life as easy as possible in the first few months, especially if bf, all this hoop jumping for a hen don’t do it.

Nope no way if it were me. It will be so stressful for all the reasons mentioned above that I’d be amazed if you were able to relax and enjoy it.

I'm afraid I'm another saying no. Having been through the EBF / expressing / trying to take a bottle stress I wouldn't recommend you put yourself through it.

Thanks a lot everyone. Have sent a message explaining I can't commit to it and asking if I can take Hen for dinner and drinks locally instead. Hopefully she'll not be too upset / will understand.

You really won’t want to go if you are ebf it will be an absolute pia. I ebf dd and when she was 6 weeks old I decided I wanted an afternoon of shopping and not stop for an hour to put dd on the breast so I brought a bottle of milk with me and skipped the feed. By the time I got back, my boobs were like bullets and I had painful stretch marks all around the breast near the nipple.

As already said, you are going to need to express every 3-4 hours for sure to avoid this scenario. Then there’s storage considerations and making enough milk for your baby the duration of the trip, which is going to be a lot of work and exhausting both in terms of the extra work of sterilising, logistics etc and the extra strain on your body to produce the milk.

All in all I’d wish them a lovely time and invite your friend over for a cuddle with the baby or an evening out if you’re up to it.

I went on my sister's hen do when my EBF DC was 16 weeks old. It was hard and I really struggled most of the time I was there but I was trying to be jolly. I didn't enjoy the night out as my boobs ached so much I had to go home early. I was also plain knackered from just generally being a breastfeeding new mother.

Expressing was a bit of a nightmare and there wasn't really anywhere private to do it.

I look back now and wish I hadn't gone. My sister hasn't had children yet and I still think is a bit cross with me for not being the life and sole of the party and being a bit rubbish. It would have been less hassle and upset to have just made my excuses and not gone even though I was bridesmaid. I'm hoping she will understand and forgive a bit when she has her own child the same age.

Cross post. Yes, you’ve done the right thing. I went away when dd was over 1 to a hen weekend. I still had to pump a couple of times.

To be honest each point alone I would've said no.

I EBF DD2 at that age and I was leaking, still quite emotional, very tired as was waking every 3 hours still and was generally more likely to become President than wanting to party for a weekend.

12 months? Yes please!

But no, I'd decline to be honest. Like PPs have said arrange something with the bride (meal, hobby both share etc) to show your support.

Take baby with you and don't drink. Boring, so don't go.

pasta
Nicer still would be if she were to apologise and hope you forgive her. You did nothing wrong. Why are you expecting forgiveness still?

I think you've done the right thing.

I know I wouldn't have gone. My EBF baby never took to a bottle but I wouldn't have felt comfortable at that point anyway.

I wouldn’t go whether you end up breastfeeding or bottle feeding.