AIBU - Hen Weekend and 12 week old?

[NomDezPlums]

NC for this as potentially outing if other "hens" are on here.
Been invited to a friend's Hen Weekend - scheduled to take place when my first DC will be about 12 weeks old.
Mechanisms in place meaning I can go (supportive DH and family nearby to help him should he get overwhelmed!), but trying to figure out if I will want to leave my baby for a whole weekend at that stage.
More info to avoid dripfeeding:
-will be away Fri PM to Sun PM
-will be trying to EBF (so that's a lot of expressing to do in advance!!)
-about 130 miles away (so just over a 2 hour drive I reckon)
-will need to share a room, likely with multiple people some of whom I may not know (and if EBF goes to plan will need to express several times while away)
-cost is in the region of £250 and funds will be tight with the new baby
-doesn't seem like going (and only paying) for one night will be an option from chatting to Hen
-just been told deposits due in 2 days time so need to make a decision

Have suggested to Hen (I may be a CF here so feel free to tell me if I am) perhaps we can assume I am not going but then nearer the time if I find that it is something I'm comfortable with I will come with the cash to divide between the Hens or whatever (from the size of the place space shouldn't be an issue but similarly i wouldn't mind if my 'space' was given away because I couldn't commit). Obviously this solution is ideal for me but I understand if she wants me to commit ££ up front like everyone else. She's said she'll think about it.

Sorry about the essay - can anyone tell me how they'd have felt about leaving a baby at that age under these circumstances? Am I being a CF in my above suggestion? Thank you!

It would have been a flat out no from me. I've never managed to pump much and neither DD would take a bottle.
Also I felt really anxious whenever they were too far away from me, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy myself at all when they were that age. different now they're a bit older and I'd farm them out to anyone just to get some peace and quiet

I'd urge you not to commit

Before my now 8 month old dc1 was born, I thought I would be a lot more flexible that I am, in terms of getting away. I was SO naive! I appreciate that you seem to be anticipating the realities already.

Of course people are all very different (I can't believe it when I see mums of babies similar in age to mine going on long weekends abroad to NY with friends! How?! ) but with my EBF bottle refuser, plans made pre-birth have given me nothing but worry and strife, when - in hindsight - I should have just been enjoying my LO. Honestly, the thought of going away even now fills me with stress. The pre-baby me would've thought WTAF if I'd heard any friends say the same, but trust me, those mama instincts may make it very hard for you to leave even for a day. They may not! And that's OK of course. But hormones aside, the nasiv practicalities (bottle refusing has been a nightmare) has made the decision for me.

So....don't commit! You can't know how you'll feel until your baby is here.

Good luck!

Another here saying no way could I have left my baby. I know some people are fine with leaving their babies but I couldn’t have done it. At 3 months with my first I was only just cracking breast feeding and struggled to pump.

*whispers I may not be the best person to ask as I’ve only left my 7 year old twice and my 3 year old never!

I’m always up for a night out away from the kids but going anywhere too far or too much work close to giving birth I just never felt like , I get c sections though so maybe thats why .

I have EBF 14 week old. At this point I'd say definitely not, I can't imagine being away from him for a whole weekend, nor would I be able to express enough milk. There are options if you plan events with military precision though!

If it's a really good friend then I'd book a hotel or B&B nearby for the Saturday night. Drive up with with partner on the Saturday and they settle into the hotel where you express extra milk and you both have a nice lunch together with the baby; feed the baby to sleep and you go to join afternoon activities. Your partner can give the baby a small meal on waking up and play, then bring the baby in the early evening for an extra feed and cuddle (so you get an hour or hour and a half with the baby, just the 3 of you keeping out of everyone's way). Then you stay on and join in some activities / drinking while your partner gets back to the hotel, gets the baby off to sleep with more expressed milk, has his dinner and watches TV / reads. You go back to the hotel by taxi and express extra plus feed the baby, do the feeds overnight and early morning then leave a well fed baby and some expressed milk with your partner to go back to the hen do for brunch OR take the baby with you OR if they're merging hen + stag on the Sunday then all 3 of you go. If it's just you then again have your partner being the baby early pm for an extra feed then park up in a nearby pub / cafe to wait for you and you all head back home whenever you fancy. Obviously you could both go up on the Friday and plan to cover that too, but even if I went on the Friday I'd probably make it a night just with my partner to relax together as you might find it all too tiring otherwise.

I did it with my first. It was one of best friends though and I enjoyed the break & having catch up& few drinks. But was pumping and dumping all weekend- that was a major pain. I felt it was worth it at the time but it wouldn't be for everyone! I'd say u can't commit at this stage but maybe when time comes you might feel like it even for a night n stay in nearby bnb.

you've definitely made the right decision OP. It's not the wedding its a hen do. Not worth all that hassle and heartache it may not even be possible if your baby doesn't take a bottle. Hopefully she will.understand but if not and If she has kids in the future she will realise how unreasonable she was being.

Don’t go honey. It’s not worth it. And baby needs you at 12 weeks.

I'd not be going. Not because I might not want to leave my new baby, but because if I was EBF-ing (which I was!) then I couldn't guarantee my baby would even take a bottle at that age. Neither of my two would entertain a bottle. It was actually really stressful going out anywhere without them, as I had to try to time everything 'between' feeds. The whole bottle refusal was a nightmare when I was due to go back to work...I honestly tried every bottle/teat combo on the market to no avail. 😰😰

Anyway, in short...I wouldn't have been able to go, even if I'd wanted to!

I found that the 3/4 month mark were a blur of cluster feeds and my boobs turning hard as rocks if she slept for an hour longer than normal. Expressing was a PITA, could only ever manage about 2oz at a time and she wouldn’t take a bottle so I would be declining too.

My ds ended up on bottle long before 12 weeks as bf didn’t work out for me.
But even then I wouldn’t have left him.
I was sleep deprived, still felt rubbishy and if I’d left him overnight it would have only been for precious sleep.
I don’t know if this would even be feasible if fully bf tbh.
Don’t feel bad about saying no. I’m sick of all this hassle about hen dos.
If you want all of your friends there, do something local.
I remember spending hundreds probably into thousands for hen do weekends when younger.
Then when I got married a couple of the friends hen dos I went on didn’t come to my local one because they had dc.
Which is fair enough. But the point is I regret pushing myself to attend hen dos, some years at the expense of missing a holiday with dp.

No way in this world.

I’ve been invited to a similar hen with a private chef at the accommodation too, I wonder if it’s the same one?

Anyway I’ve declined because I don’t want to be away from my baby for that long and it’s far too expensive, I’d rather spend that amount of money on something for my family.

I did go to a hen weekend when my DS was 8 weeks, expressed but was confident he’d bottle feed as I did from birth. I had lots of fun, was good for me I think and was happy my DH was fully in control. I don’t think anyone can decide how you will feel though.

I would go. I’d be more than happy to leave dd with dh for 2 days. But I am going back to work (admittedly, not through choice) when she is 12 weeks old so im probably an exception.

I did this. Went to my friends hen when my EBF baby was 12 weeks old, it was only one night away (not two like you've mentioned) and it was hell. My boobs were agony. I was up all night trying to pump and it just wasn't working. Never again... don't do it!

Another vote for no way would I want to do that.

op i had a very similar thread on here a couple of months ago and MN were v helpful. This is what I did:

DH and baby (12 weeks) DS came with me to the hotel and explored the town, came back to BF. I have managed to express and store loads (milk takes ages to defrost) but DS only drank a small amount as he is not great with bottles. Can you do something like that if you really want to go?

I wouldn't have felt up to it or 'in the zone'.

I went abroad for 5 days on a hen do when DS was around 20 weeks old but he was exclusively formula feeding, I had no qualms leaving him in the capable hands of DH really.

BUT had I been EBF then it would've been a no sorry, I can't come.

I think your offer OP of not being including in the booking but seeing how you feel and if there's room to add you is perfectly reasonable!

I wouldn’t. If your baby has to take a bottle all weekend you may find she doesn’t want to go back to the breast when you return as well.

I think don't go. Take her out for a lovely lunch or afternoon tea 1-2-1 hen instead. An extra event for her and you don't have a mission with your tiny tot.

Haven’t read full thread I’m afraid

If you’re breastfeeding then honestly? No. This wouldn’t work xx

I wouldn't commit to going. You may find nearer the time you want to go, you may not but you don't have a crystal ball. I can't imagine you will want to though if ebf

If you were planning on formula feeding. I'd say go for sure, 2 nights away would be great for you and give daddy some one on one baby time.

If you are ebf, it may be a lot harder, but my friend managed to do it for her 4 month old when we were on a hen weekend.

It's all personal choice though. It doesn't matter how anyone else feels, it's how you feel.