AIBU - Hen Weekend and 12 week old?

[NomDezPlums]

NC for this as potentially outing if other "hens" are on here.
Been invited to a friend's Hen Weekend - scheduled to take place when my first DC will be about 12 weeks old.
Mechanisms in place meaning I can go (supportive DH and family nearby to help him should he get overwhelmed!), but trying to figure out if I will want to leave my baby for a whole weekend at that stage.
More info to avoid dripfeeding:
-will be away Fri PM to Sun PM
-will be trying to EBF (so that's a lot of expressing to do in advance!!)
-about 130 miles away (so just over a 2 hour drive I reckon)
-will need to share a room, likely with multiple people some of whom I may not know (and if EBF goes to plan will need to express several times while away)
-cost is in the region of £250 and funds will be tight with the new baby
-doesn't seem like going (and only paying) for one night will be an option from chatting to Hen
-just been told deposits due in 2 days time so need to make a decision

Have suggested to Hen (I may be a CF here so feel free to tell me if I am) perhaps we can assume I am not going but then nearer the time if I find that it is something I'm comfortable with I will come with the cash to divide between the Hens or whatever (from the size of the place space shouldn't be an issue but similarly i wouldn't mind if my 'space' was given away because I couldn't commit). Obviously this solution is ideal for me but I understand if she wants me to commit ££ up front like everyone else. She's said she'll think about it.

Sorry about the essay - can anyone tell me how they'd have felt about leaving a baby at that age under these circumstances? Am I being a CF in my above suggestion? Thank you!

Personally I would not go, I loved spending time with my baby plus if funds are short it might not be the best idea is £250 is quite a lot of money.

Surely Hen would understand with new baby etc especially if it is all booze and rowdy.

Yeah, I think that’s the right call op. I think it would actually be impossible to express that much milk in advance on top of EBF - you’d be feeding your baby and then having to produce enough milk to have a big old stash on top of what you’re already feeding him / her. I exclusively pump for my 5mo ds at the moment, and I don’t think this^^ is possible, unless you have a big oversupply problem, which you definitely don’t want!

If you were planning on ff though, I’d say it’s totally down to personal choice. I was a really anxious first time mum with my dc1, so I wouldn’t have done it, even though we were mix feeding and had stopped bf at about three months anyway. But a friend of mine who ff from quite early on, went for a weekend away a few months after she had her first and also went in lots of nights out with friends or her partner. Her parents, who were very involved and hands on, lived close by though, so nothing like me as dh and I were more or less on our own. I think that made a difference.

Plus you’d end up having to pump and chuck it all down the sink all weekend. Sounds no craic at all to me!

Getting up every 3 hours through the night after a boozy evening and trying to pump in a bedroom with strangers - that alone would be a no from me!
Mine never took a bottle either so simply wouldn’t have worked.
Sorry OP.

😂 Thanks Rhubarb, all

If you've got into a routine that suits you and baby with the EBF, I personally wouldn't risk disrupting it so early on.

'Thanks a lot everyone. Have sent a message explaining I can't commit to it and asking if I can take Hen for dinner and drinks locally instead. Hopefully she'll not be too upset / will understand.'

She's no friend if she takes a strop. These silly hen do's are ridiculous. There's not a chance in hell I'd have gone in your shoes.

mummy I just don't think most people fully realise until they have their own children/have been breastfeeding how it physically impacts on you in that way. I certainly didn't and to my shame probably would have mildly judged other women as being a bit wet if they declined a night out because they were breastfeeding before I had my own children.

She's generally a nice person but from her point of view her sister was just being a bit of a misery guts on her hen do (and tbf I probably was!) She's never directly said anything to me, and never would but our DM has made a few (supportive) comments to me that suggests she has probably mentioned it to others.

I found it stressful enough trying to pump enough milk to leave my EBF to go to work for a few hours . I could feed the baby ok, but struggled to pump milk. And also my baby wouldn’t drink from a bottle so had to be cup fed, which was so stressful for baby and DH. Whole thing didn’t feel worth it atall tbh. And that was only a couple of hours each week.

A baby will stimulate more milk production that a breast pump and you might find the repurcussions of a weekend away last longer, if you come back to a baby who is desperate for milk when your supply has dwindled. Cluster feeding to re establish supply, exhausting.

Not worth the risk at 12 weeks. 12 months definately

pasta
You are right. I could never have dreamt how hard pregnancy, child birth and parenting can be. I also couldn’t understand why some didn’t recover very quickly. And here I am, a mother, who never recovered 10 years on.

Truthfully, I couldn't have done it with my first.I was far too fussy/nervous/overwhelmed but may have done it with subsequent babies as both DH and me were far more confidant and relaxed.

I think you've made the right decision Nom.

I went to a work conference using KIT days when DD was 7mo. I was leaking breast milk quite a bit (DD was EBF but was slow to start solids properly) and I had to pump in the toilets while at the conference (they were lovely and clean, and I'm sure I could have asked for a room, but for quick convenience it was fine, it was just a pain to carry the pump, do the pumping etc). I was sort of in/out of the conference all day, hence just popping into the toilets. So you'll most likely need to be pumping quite a bit during the day and evening, so you'll need to find somewhere to do that and will be a bit in/out of the group.

Much better to back out now I think.

Op, you’ve done the right thing.

Just too many things against it. If she's a good friend she'll understand.

I think you are making the right decision. My boy was mostly formula fed but I would not have been comfortable leaving him at 12 weeks. I still haven’t at 12 months! You would have to express an awful lot beforehand and expressing while looking after a newborn is a right pain in the backside. And that’s assuming your baby would take a bottle. I’m sure your friends will understanx

I have a friend joining my weekend hen do during the Saturday because her baby will be 16 weeks old, and she'll be traveling about the same distance (dad is going to drive up with her to catch up with family with baby the same day).

Is it impossible for something like that to happen? Could the father be nearby visiting someone? It's a shame she's not proactive about ensuring people could make bits if they wanted to - I was very strict with my bridesmaids that it must be possible for people to attend all and any part of the do separately!

My do may be a weekend affair, but it's based where I live, and I've kicked my fiance out for the weekend to accommodate everyone at home, so those that do have to travel have free accommodation.

Just to say, I have done precisely this twice. It worked out fine both times and my husband coped just fine. They were mix fed though, but that’s just not something you can predict ahead of time.

It was fantastic for my mental health to know I had these weekends to look forward to.

Never in a million years would I go. Nope. So many reasons why...
If it were closer I would consider going for a meal, but that’s it.
Baby could have colic / bad sleeper etc. If you had misfortune to end up with c section could take ages to feel ok again. That’s without mentioning not wanting to leave baby etc.
What happens if you spend days expressing and baby doesn’t want to take the bottle.

If it’s something that you want to do, then that’s great and you can try make it happen. But it seems that you don’t and feel like not wanting to is wrong somehow.

You need to do what’s right for you and don’t feel guilty either way!

Talking from experience I left my 4 month old for 24 hours (ebf) all was fine. I didn't pump in those 24 hours as I forgot my pump. I had very engorged breast but supply was fine, baby was fine on bottles of expressed milk and breast were fine after a good feed and pump. Luckly I had been expressing 140ml a day since birth ( first thing in the morning) so baby has a good stash of milk that we use and replace on a constant cycle. If you dont have a good stash you need to consider what would happen if your journey home was delayed etc. It will take a lot of planning.

There's no way I would commit to this.

Baby could be late so potentially only 10 weeks. You have absolutely no guarantee that you will be able to express enough milk to last a weekend. I could never express more than 5mls at a time and that was with an industrial sized milking machine.

Baby may refuse a bottle, adding to an already stressful time while you try and get it to take one.

You have no idea how you will feel physically. Or emotionally. You may be fine leaving your new born for the weekend. Or alternatively, once baby is here it might be the last thing you want to do.

I would definately inform them now and offer to take the bride to be out for a meal closer to home. If your friends are half decent they will completely understand.

As the answers on this thread show, It’s so hard to predict. Different for every mum and every baby. But on balance it’s less likely. Especially if EBF.

In your circumstances , if I really wanted to go and it was really important to the bride i was there, i’d Suggest that me and DH book a hotel nearby and I attend during the day with DH nearby to bring baby to me for feeds, then go to hotel early evening for big bedtime feed to sleep, leave an expressed feed with DH for first wake up and go out for the evening. Get back in time for second feed of night. Ofcourse you could only have a couple of drinks and would have to go and pump half way through evening. Would have worked practically though if i’d Have really wanted to be there. And DH knew how important it was.

Thanks all - she seems to have taken it ok-ish. I'm confident in my reasonableness anyway now so happy days.

There is no way I'd have left either of mine for a whole weekend at that stage - I just couldn't have. A couple of hours was about my limit, and that was rarely enough.

Personlly I'd have zero qualms about saying no thanks very much, in the circs it's out of the question - and saving my money.

Another no here. No way.