AIBU over DH's lack of compassion? *trigger warning - suicide mention*

[blondiefan]

NC for this. Been with DH for 10+ years, two DC together. In lots of ways he's a fantastic partner and father but struggles to show compassion and empathy in some situations, like when I'm ill. Two events have happened in the last week that he refuses to see he should have reacted differently in.

The first was last weekend - every few months he has a episode in his sleep where he jerks violently and sometimes I'm elbowed or similar. Last weekend he yelled out in his sleep and his legs flailed - I was kicked hard. It woke me suddenly and I was in a lot of pain so cried out in fear and with the pain. He mumbled "sorry" a few times and then rolled over to go back asleep. I was really shaken up at being woken from a deep sleep in such a violent way and asked him to sleep in spare room as I was petrified of it happening again - he refused. Eventually after my getting increasingly upset he went in a huff. Next day I was told he felt justified in not wanting to move. I said it's fine to not want to but surely a reasonable person would as they've just really hurt and frightened their partner?!
We've talked about it since and he's discussed going to GP about his sleep issues, but is still side stepping the issue of compassion.

Then yesterday - I had a terrible day at work as a distraught customer was threatening suicide over the phone with me. I don't work in a profession where you'd be trained to deal with this.
I messaged him afterwards (he was working from home) and could see he read it but no response all day, not even a "how awful, hope all's ok".
When I got home and asked him, apparently he was just going to talk about it to me when I got home. I'm overreacting for expecting a response at some point during the day, even just an acknowledgement. It wasn't that he was busy (he was at home), he just didn't bother.

So.......am I being unreasonable to expect a bit more empathy and compassion? It worries me that I'll have to go through really traumatic life events like loss of a parent with him, and he'll not show much compassion at all. I do think it's tied in with his upbringing as his mother would be similar, but it's just so different to how I am and I'm really struggling with his refusal to understand and just continue to tell me that I'm overreacting!

You say he's fantastic in other ways, but he sounds pretty awful from the two things you've mentioned. It doesn't seem like he's willing to offer any emotional support at all.

And I would be insisting on separate bedrooms until his sleep issues are resolved.

@gracielacey in all honesty this is probably the only thing I really have a problem with, we don't argue about anything else and he has many great qualities. But yes, emotional support is woefully lacking.

He has slept in the spare room since the weekend's episode but only because I more or less ended up telling him he'd have to leave if he didn't.....

Oh give over, he didn't hurt you on purpose. You've really laid on the emotive language there. If you're that fearful, shaken and petrified why don't you go to the spare room. You sound a bit over-wound and tbh people who need reaction at an approved dramatic level all the time are just draining. What did you want him to do about your work situation while you were at work?

However, I am similarly lacking in empathy and you'd do my head right in. I'm sure he doesn't mean you any harm he's just not on your neediness level.

@FlyingElbows I have a good reason for not sleeping in the spare room due to something that's in it causing an allergic reaction/asthma reaction in me. In any case, don't see why I should leave my bed when I've been hurt. It honestly felt like a donkey kick it was that painful and forceful. My leg hurt for a couple of days after.

I didn't think I used overly emotive language. Regarding the message yesterday, you don't think an acknowledgment would be the right thing to do? So what does warrant a response, or can most things just wait for 8 hours later? Yeah, think you'd do my head in too so least we agree on that!

Oh and he's sent me messages too when somethings happened at work. Not for every little thing but if it's something particularly upsetting or out of the ordinary. Seriously can't imagine reading it and going "yeah, no need to respond to that...."

I'm a bit like flying too, slightly lacking empathy. I think you were a bit over emotional with the night terror thing. Which makes me think you might be like that a lot so the work thing might be a case of him thinking "oh I'm sure she's fine she's just being dramatic". (You weren't being dramatic on that one btw)

Neither of you are wrong, just different types of people, maybe not compatible.

If you're not happy with what you percieve as a lack of empathy, leave him. In my experience, that sort of thing doesn't really change.

YABU and a bit pathetic about the sleep incident. He didn't do it on purpose or even know he'd done it. He shouldn't be banished to the spare room like a punishment.

YANBU about work. That's shitty.

Pick your battles

I don't think my husband would have reacted much differently. I don't think I would have either. Are there other issues?

Honestly, you sound rather over dramatic. The sleeping thing especially.

What exactly did you expect him to do?

You knew you weren't being murdered, you could have just elbowed him back to make sure he was awake, then both gone back to sleep.

And a person threatening suicide to a stranger over the phone is really nothing more than exasperating. What could he say really? There was nothing to be done.

He did know he'd done it as he woke immediately abs because it's happened before - he has a violent dream and acts it out. He knew what had happened, just a return to sleep was more important.

No other issues other than a recurring pattern of similar issues. Incompatibility is probably the issue here.

Is there no-one else you could speak to to share the difficult phone call with? It is not always easy to reassure someone or have time to respond, even if he is already working too.

Both me and DH have hurt each other in our sleep, just last night he elbowed me in the face the night. We have both shouted at each other, called each other by other people’s names and sworn at each other, we apologise to each other in the morning have a laugh/joke about it and then it’s forgotten. For what it’s worth both of our DD’s kick/hit out in their sleep, talk and shout. Eldest DD used to sleepwalk.

He was unreasonable about the work incident I think.

I think I must not be very empathetic either . I would have thought you were overreacting about the night thing, (I would have taken the piss out of DH for it.) and I regularly deal with stressful stuff at work and would never message DH at work- I 'd talk to him when we both got home. I really can't see how these "u ok hun??" messages help anyone , better to chat about it surely??

You could have comforted him after a violent dream rather than made it about you.

You sound a bit unreasonable. That sleep thing is a well known phenomenon. Google it, or ask your GP.

Your DH was almost certainly not fully aware what had happened even when he appeared to wake up. And not going into the spare room because of allergies? It's your house. Do something about it.

I suspect you're a bit highly strung. Try to relax.

I should have said if we wake each other up after the dream we may talk to each other but we are not awake, awake and have no recollection of anything in the morning.

Well I'm not lacking in empathy & I think you're being extremely over dramatic, sorry.
The words you use about the sleep incident are wholly out of proportion & the work thing he was waiting to discuss with you face to face, I'm not seeing him as the problem tbh.

You sound a bit precious going off those two examples tbh.

Thanks all for the advice. I'm definitely more highly strung than he is. To clarify about the sleep thing though - this has happened SO many times before but on a lesser scale - each and every single time I've grumbled a bit and rolled over. I defy anyone not to be scared by last weekend however, it was 10 times more violent than any other episode.

Re the suicidal customer - work offered me support. It's a large organisation and staff can be referred to counselling. Told me I could have a phone session if needed, but I don't. I simply sent a message to my husband stating what a shit morning I'd had and expected any acknowledgement. Maybe I do have unrealistic expectations!

I’m sorry about what happened to you at work, but - what did you expect him to do before you got home?

I once punched DP in my sleep because I dreamt he cheated on me I was very apologetic but unless there’s a background of you having been abused or similar I don’t quite get why you’d have been afraid.

To add - echoing PPs, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your reactions. I just think you’re obviously not on the same page.

This sounds like me and my partner. I'm pretty highly strung and He is lacks in emotion a bit. I text him and don't get an answer all the time coz he's working, doesn't bother me so much that it would play on my mind. With the incident in the bed I think you ar e over reacting. Yes you got hurt bit he didn't mean it. I certainly wouldn't tell my partner if he doesn't sleep in the spare room he can leave (we don't have a spare room right enough 😂) . Think you ar e being overly sensitive and that's coming from someone who is sometimes an emotional wreck.

You could have comforted him after a violent dream rather than made it about you

I used to do similar to DH while I slept, I was having really terrible dreams about past violence. If he had kicked me out of bed when I barely knew what was going on I wouldn't be impressed. You may have been frightened but most likely he was too.

As for the phone thing, I don't know what he could have done to help you. I feel more bad for the person who is at the point they are considering suicide tbh.