AIBU over DH's lack of compassion? *trigger warning - suicide mention*

[blondiefan]

NC for this. Been with DH for 10+ years, two DC together. In lots of ways he's a fantastic partner and father but struggles to show compassion and empathy in some situations, like when I'm ill. Two events have happened in the last week that he refuses to see he should have reacted differently in.

The first was last weekend - every few months he has a episode in his sleep where he jerks violently and sometimes I'm elbowed or similar. Last weekend he yelled out in his sleep and his legs flailed - I was kicked hard. It woke me suddenly and I was in a lot of pain so cried out in fear and with the pain. He mumbled "sorry" a few times and then rolled over to go back asleep. I was really shaken up at being woken from a deep sleep in such a violent way and asked him to sleep in spare room as I was petrified of it happening again - he refused. Eventually after my getting increasingly upset he went in a huff. Next day I was told he felt justified in not wanting to move. I said it's fine to not want to but surely a reasonable person would as they've just really hurt and frightened their partner?!
We've talked about it since and he's discussed going to GP about his sleep issues, but is still side stepping the issue of compassion.

Then yesterday - I had a terrible day at work as a distraught customer was threatening suicide over the phone with me. I don't work in a profession where you'd be trained to deal with this.
I messaged him afterwards (he was working from home) and could see he read it but no response all day, not even a "how awful, hope all's ok".
When I got home and asked him, apparently he was just going to talk about it to me when I got home. I'm overreacting for expecting a response at some point during the day, even just an acknowledgement. It wasn't that he was busy (he was at home), he just didn't bother.

So.......am I being unreasonable to expect a bit more empathy and compassion? It worries me that I'll have to go through really traumatic life events like loss of a parent with him, and he'll not show much compassion at all. I do think it's tied in with his upbringing as his mother would be similar, but it's just so different to how I am and I'm really struggling with his refusal to understand and just continue to tell me that I'm overreacting!

doubt myself and him constantly- I'm not always sure I believe he was asleep, and then sometimes I think I must have imagined it. I wonder if it is a coincidence that he only hit me in places where the bruises didn't show and I am frustrated by his refusal to talk about it or seek help

I think this is a very different scenario to the one the OP has described.

I think YABU slightly. I've been in both situations like yourself.

Firstly my husband jolts suddenly, screams and hits in his sleep from time to time. Only the other night he swung his arm over and caught me on the tummy, and I'm 33 weeks pregnant! It wasn't intentional, I gave him a shove, got a sorry and we both went back to sleep. The next morning I mentioned it to him again and said please be careful and he apologised and we moved on.

Secondly I work in a call centre and had a lady once say she wanted to give up her life. Just like any normal person would I stayed on the phone until I knew she was stable and then let me manager and her GP know. I had a little cry because it was emotionally draining and upsetting. I text my hubby too, but again we didn't talk about it until later because I still had a job to do and also my hubby is busy at work. There isn't anything he could have done, so why let it get to you? As long as he isn't ignoring texts which are emergencies that's the main thing.

Let it go and move on. Life's too short. Not everyone reactions to situations the same.

I was kicked hard. It woke me suddenly and I was in a lot of pain... It honestly felt like a donkey kick it was that painful and forceful. My leg hurt for a couple of days after...it's happened before - he has a violent dream and acts it out. He knew what had happened...

Really, AvonCallingBarksdale?? I think you're being glib.

I should add that my logical mind believes that he was asleep (I saw him wake up, so he must have been asleep), but because I can't discuss it with anyone and he won't talk to me about it, all sorts of thoughts go through my mind. I want to make sense of it somehow, but there doesn't seem to be any sense to be found.

DontDribble I really think you should go for counselling together. That is too big (and too dangerous) not to talk about . It sounds like a bad enough thing to have happened, but the talking about it sounds like its creating a bigger problem than it needs to be.

not talking

Not RTFT but you sound hard work.

Yes, littlerocketman, I think they are different scenarios. Not being “glib”, despite your hyperbolic use of italics and punctuation.

@blondiefan Ignore the idiots on here! I get you. He sounds very self centred! Everyone on here seems to think you are complaining about him hitting you in his sleep when In fact you are upset about his lack of compassion for doing so - big difference!

Maybe have a chat with him? Tell him how you feel x

Sorry, only returning to this now.

My work actually advised me to contact the customer to provide details of support available to them. I was only following instructions with regards to that.

I agree with those who suggest I need to sort spare room so that I can also use it - it's now on my to-do list!
We chatted some more last night and turns out even though he promised to make a GP appointment a week ago, he still hasn't. So yeah, he can stay in the spare room for the time being and I refuse to apologise for that. I won't put myself in a situation where I can be left with bruises, or worse.

To those who provided advice, even if it was disagreeing with me and telling me I WBU - thanks, many of you managed it without insults.
To those who just used it as a way of calling a stranger a "drama queen ", "pathetic" or "high maintenance", just remember that you only get a snapshot of someone's life in one short post. No idea what else could be going on when you try to make them feel bad about themselves. My first and last time posting in AIBU anyway - lesson learned!!

Yes, littlerocketman, I think they are different scenarios.

Of course they are different. I was trying (clumsily) to express three things.
Firstly that these things can escalate. Secondly that it can be very frightening to not feel that it is completely safe to go to sleep. And lastly, that the lack of discussion and contrition is in some ways worse than the being hurt part- it is such a change from the behaviour I have come to expect from him in our (long) marriage.

I think some posters are being too glib about the nighttime violence. No one can blame the OP's DH for what happened, but I'm not surprised she's frightened of it happening again. There was in fact a case of a husband charged with murdering his wife, but he had a history of this very thing. He was obviously acquitted, as in his dream he was fighting an intruder. But it doesn't change the fact that his wife had died. This is seriously worrying.

He needs to see the doctor urgently, and I would suggest separate bedrooms until he does this.

And to the PP mocking the fact that she has allergies, my DH has suffered in that way when we've been away on holiday and it's really miserable for him.