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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over DH's lack of compassion? *trigger warning - suicide mention*

112 replies

blondiefan · 15/06/2018 19:17

NC for this. Been with DH for 10+ years, two DC together. In lots of ways he's a fantastic partner and father but struggles to show compassion and empathy in some situations, like when I'm ill. Two events have happened in the last week that he refuses to see he should have reacted differently in.

The first was last weekend - every few months he has a episode in his sleep where he jerks violently and sometimes I'm elbowed or similar. Last weekend he yelled out in his sleep and his legs flailed - I was kicked hard. It woke me suddenly and I was in a lot of pain so cried out in fear and with the pain. He mumbled "sorry" a few times and then rolled over to go back asleep. I was really shaken up at being woken from a deep sleep in such a violent way and asked him to sleep in spare room as I was petrified of it happening again - he refused. Eventually after my getting increasingly upset he went in a huff. Next day I was told he felt justified in not wanting to move. I said it's fine to not want to but surely a reasonable person would as they've just really hurt and frightened their partner?!
We've talked about it since and he's discussed going to GP about his sleep issues, but is still side stepping the issue of compassion.

Then yesterday - I had a terrible day at work as a distraught customer was threatening suicide over the phone with me. I don't work in a profession where you'd be trained to deal with this.
I messaged him afterwards (he was working from home) and could see he read it but no response all day, not even a "how awful, hope all's ok".
When I got home and asked him, apparently he was just going to talk about it to me when I got home. I'm overreacting for expecting a response at some point during the day, even just an acknowledgement. It wasn't that he was busy (he was at home), he just didn't bother.

So.......am I being unreasonable to expect a bit more empathy and compassion? It worries me that I'll have to go through really traumatic life events like loss of a parent with him, and he'll not show much compassion at all. I do think it's tied in with his upbringing as his mother would be similar, but it's just so different to how I am and I'm really struggling with his refusal to understand and just continue to tell me that I'm overreacting!

OP posts:
TacoLover · 15/06/2018 20:14

Isn't him having an episode where he is flailing around in his sleep worse for him that it is for you? It's not like he did it on purpose, sending him to the spare room sounds like a punishment to me. And you say that this time was a lot more violent than any other time he's done it; doesn't that mean that the kick was basically a one-off? Why would he need to sleep in the spare room if kicking you in his sleep is so rare?

Original poster
blondiefan · 15/06/2018 20:14

You don't think he would have told me if he was frightened? Seriously, I was there, he wasn't frightened, all he wanted was to return to sleep.

Oh and please don't patronise me about the suicidal customer; he's been all I've thought about since, and I've phoned and emailed him a few times since initial conversation. Tbh husband didn't care about him either, it was just his general 'meh' attitude about any of it. For what it's worth I'm not particularly sure he'd have even mentioned it that evening going by past experience- it was a convenient excuse at the time.

For those posting reasonably - thank you. I take on board that I can be highly strung at times and that there may be an incompatibility issue. I'm not particularly needy usually, but maybe on the occasions when i do feel I need a bit more support (twice in one week is unusual and unfortunate!) he's just not able to give it, for whatever reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
blondiefan · 15/06/2018 20:19

@TacoLover - yes, no previous time has been this violent. It was done with massive force, he's a foot taller than me and almost twice the weight. I wont apologise for being scared and feeling vulnerable in those circumstances.
The condition we think he has apparently gets progressively worse over time and can get increasingly dangerous for bed partners as usually the person is having a dream that they're being attacked and will fight back. Scary for them as any nightmare is, but come on - how is it not worse for the person actually physically attacked in their sleep?!

OP posts:
TacoLover · 15/06/2018 20:21

So you think it will get worse over time; do you want him to stay in the spare room forever?

JobQuery · 15/06/2018 20:23

You don't think he would have told me if he was frightened?

Well, not if you had been in thr process of having a go at him, no. Not if it was personal or embarrassing no. People don't tend to flail violently for no reason.

Not agreeing with you isn't unreasonable, you asked for opinions.

DaphneFanshaw · 15/06/2018 20:27

I think lots of people are posting reasonably, it’s just that you don’t like what they’re saying.
I agree with pp that ywbu about the sleep issue.
I can totally see where you are coming from regarding the phone call today, it must have been horrible. I would be honest with my DP about how I would appreciate a supportive text back, because I would expect one tbh. I know some pp have said it wouldn’t make a difference, but it woul to me.
The thing is, like a pp said, if you people quite highly strung it’s easy sometimes to not offer support when it’s needed because it’s needed so often iyswim.

PositivelyPERF · 15/06/2018 20:28

Are all you posters, that are slating the OP, saying you would have no problem sleeping in the same bed as someone that might hurt you while you are sleeping? If her husband is having some kind of night terrors then he needs to see a doctor. Is he dragging his heels on that, OP?

funnelfanjo · 15/06/2018 20:29

My DH kicks me in his sleep when he dreams he’s in an important football match taking a free kick or something. It hurts. I elbow him back and take the piss in the morning. Occasionally he’ll do the flailing arm thing too, and if it happens a lot he offers to sleep on the sofa, but no need. It’s his bed too, and I have nights where I snore like a warthog all night, so I think we’re even on the disturbed sleep front.

If your DH has got a health condition and this is a recognised symptom, then YABU. If it’s going to get worse, sort out your spare room and discuss strategies for dealing with it with him.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/06/2018 20:29

You can't really control what you do in your sleep... DP has kicked me; accidentally whacked me and pushed me out of bed, completely accidentally. He's asleep; he wakes up and his instinct is to go back to sleep. It does hurt - and sometimes for a few days after; I've even bruised a bit once - but he didn't mean to. He's asleep!

I tend to touch him in my sleep if I'm settling myself. It scares the life out of him to be randomly touched. I try hard not to do it; but again, I'm asleep...

The second thing is more difficult but if he didn't know what to say, and he knew Work would support you, perhaps he just thought it was best not to bring it up and to try and distract you. That one is worth a conversation.

The first one is, at best, an overreaction. You've got no future if he's sleeping in the spare room because as a pair, you can't get past this.

Original poster
blondiefan · 15/06/2018 20:30

I wasn't having a go at him initially, I was a bit upset mostly at the shock of it, and asked him very calmly if he could go into spare room as I thought I'd have trouble sleeping with the worry of it happening again. When he refused and kept telling me "I just don't want to", THEN I "had a go".

And yeah, if I'm at risk of increasing violence when I'm asleep, then I'd rather he stayed in spare room until he'd at least seen a GP and started treatment.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/06/2018 20:31

My DH kicks me in his sleep when he dreams he’s in an important football match taking a free kick or something. It hurts. I elbow him back and take the piss in the morning. Occasionally he’ll do the flailing arm thing too, and if it happens a lot he offers to sleep on the sofa, but no need. It’s his bed too, and I have nights where I snore like a warthog all night, so I think we’re even on the disturbed sleep front.

This says it miles better than I managed to. It's just part and parcel of sleeping with someone.

NewYearNewMe18 · 15/06/2018 20:31

I think you've really over reacted about the sleep thing.

TBH, it's all so dramatic isn't it? Frankly if that's the way you carry on, Im not surprised he doesn't answer texts.

Chattymummyhere · 15/06/2018 20:32

Yabu.

If dh had text me about that at work I would of just text back something like “that’s a bit shit sorry you’re having a bad day” I wouldn’t Of really been that fussed tbh More Just sounding sympathetic.

About the bed he was asleep he didn’t mean to hurt you, he didn’t do it on purpose. Sure I would be pissed off but I would of just gone back to asleep and spoken about it in the morning.

Original poster
blondiefan · 15/06/2018 20:35

This is not part and parcel of sleeping with someone - it's not mild flailing it's a violent dream that results in him feeling the need to attack his bed partner in defence! He's told me this. We both agree it very much sounds like RBD which is often a precursor to neurological disorders like Parkinson's. I slept beside him for more than 10 years before this started in the last few years - I know what normal elbowing or kicking in sleep is like. This feels very different.

Yes @PositivelyPERF - he's dragging his heels. Discussed at beginning of week and he agreed he would need to speak to GP, now end of the week and still no appointment made, and I doubt one will be.

OP posts:
Original poster
blondiefan · 15/06/2018 20:36

@Chattymummyhere - so you would have responded? And your point is?

OP posts:
Bumbumtaloo · 15/06/2018 20:37

I’m not slating the OP PositivelyPERF and yes, I do sleep in the same bed as DH and my DD’s, though not all at once. We are all the same as I said in my pp, we all kick/hit/elbow me included, to us it’s just life.

Hogtini · 15/06/2018 20:38

I think it's all about balance. I text my DP about something shitty the other day and he replied with an underwhelming 'Never mind' when I expected more. However, in different circumstances his texts earlier in the week were telling me how proud he was of me. So yeah I could've rised to his meh response but loke pp have said choose your battles, count to ten, take time to reflect and think before you react. Plus he accidentally headbutted me in his sleep the other night before an important day but again I choose to just treat it as an accident..

FlyingElbows · 15/06/2018 20:39

Mr Elbows has whacked me in his sleep more than once (he's built like a brick shit house) and he's gets merrily whacked straight back and told to fuck off. If he's annoying me too much I just leave. I don't have much sympathy for the Op who claims to be almost in fear of her life but won't get out of bed because... allergies! More drama.

Yes fielding the call from suicide guy was no doubt quite distressing for the Op, but Mr Op did say he was intending to discuss it at home. But no, that's not dramatic enough as the Op needs instant attention. I can tell you as someone who has lived the reality of suicide that at no point did I give a single shit about texts from my husband prioritising me. It's not a topic which can be dissected via texts, it's a face to face horror.

Hogtini · 15/06/2018 20:40

Oh an the phonecall - DP would have assumed work would've helped me through it and then talk to me about it later and give me a cuddle.

steff13 · 15/06/2018 20:41

Why do you have a room in your house that you're allergic to?

Scribblegirl · 15/06/2018 20:42

I’m not wanting to be a dick and no worries OP if you’d rather not say but I’m curious as to what sort of condition causes someone to be violent in their sleep and can be treated? The only ones I can think of are degenerative diseases where the sleep thing would be a tiny feature of the stress on your relationship.

HellenaHandbasket · 15/06/2018 20:44

Yabu over the sleep thing tbh, and a little overwraught in general. So perhaps you're not a great match? You sound like a bit of a drama queen.

MrMeSeeks · 15/06/2018 20:48

I think yanu.
I wouldn't go and sleep elsewhere if i’d accidently hurt my do in my sleep ( which i have).
I’m asleep!
In regards to the call, what did you want him to do other than text?
He asked if you were ok and he was going to speak to you when you got home.

NommyChompers · 15/06/2018 20:48

You need to relax. Agree w/ previous posters you need to get rid of stuff in your spare room you’re allergic too. If you stopped being a drama queen over the little stuff he would probably have more time for the real stuff (tough morning at work).

JaretsGirlfren · 15/06/2018 20:49

DP suffers horrendous nightmares and sleeps restlessly I wouldn’t kick him out of bed after one a couple of weeks ago he woke himself up smacking himself in the balls so for that YABU.
But he should have definitely texted you back so for that YANBU

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