AIBU over DH's lack of compassion? *trigger warning - suicide mention*

[blondiefan]

NC for this. Been with DH for 10+ years, two DC together. In lots of ways he's a fantastic partner and father but struggles to show compassion and empathy in some situations, like when I'm ill. Two events have happened in the last week that he refuses to see he should have reacted differently in.

The first was last weekend - every few months he has a episode in his sleep where he jerks violently and sometimes I'm elbowed or similar. Last weekend he yelled out in his sleep and his legs flailed - I was kicked hard. It woke me suddenly and I was in a lot of pain so cried out in fear and with the pain. He mumbled "sorry" a few times and then rolled over to go back asleep. I was really shaken up at being woken from a deep sleep in such a violent way and asked him to sleep in spare room as I was petrified of it happening again - he refused. Eventually after my getting increasingly upset he went in a huff. Next day I was told he felt justified in not wanting to move. I said it's fine to not want to but surely a reasonable person would as they've just really hurt and frightened their partner?!
We've talked about it since and he's discussed going to GP about his sleep issues, but is still side stepping the issue of compassion.

Then yesterday - I had a terrible day at work as a distraught customer was threatening suicide over the phone with me. I don't work in a profession where you'd be trained to deal with this.
I messaged him afterwards (he was working from home) and could see he read it but no response all day, not even a "how awful, hope all's ok".
When I got home and asked him, apparently he was just going to talk about it to me when I got home. I'm overreacting for expecting a response at some point during the day, even just an acknowledgement. It wasn't that he was busy (he was at home), he just didn't bother.

So.......am I being unreasonable to expect a bit more empathy and compassion? It worries me that I'll have to go through really traumatic life events like loss of a parent with him, and he'll not show much compassion at all. I do think it's tied in with his upbringing as his mother would be similar, but it's just so different to how I am and I'm really struggling with his refusal to understand and just continue to tell me that I'm overreacting!

OP, you're pissed off because your husband didn't respond when you texted about a suicidal caller?

I'd be more than fucking pissed off if I'd told you that and found out you couldn't even wait an hour, let alone 8 hours, to blab to your husband to get a bit of sympathy.(which you knew you wouldn't get anyway!!!)

Don't use other people's hell to promote your own drama, not nice.

As for the bed stuff... Haven't you got a sofa? Sleep on that. Pathetic

I think YABU about the sleep thing. My partner is sim

Sorry posted too soon! My partner is similar and we could talk after he said sorry and he’d not remember. It’s not a case of wanting to go back to sleep it’s a case of not being properly awake in the first place. Id give my spare room a good clean and sleep in there if it’s an issue.

He could have replied to the text but like you said he was working at Home not just lazing at home. It might seem he’s not bothered about the man because it’s hard to be bothered about something that didn’t directly happen to you! And if he’s not great at empathy then there’s that too. I think this is just a let it go situation

YABU

Mmmm. You showed a stunning lack of empathy over the sleep incident. It had never happened before at that level. It wasn’t his fault. You didn’t show any concern about what was causing it (if he is under particular stress at the moment, maybe work) or how you could fix it. You thought only about yourself, kicked him out of the bedroom and started talking about kicking him out and splitting up if he didn’t do what you wanted.

Do you think there’s a bit of a possibility that’s why he wasn’t inclined to muster up much empathy for you after your incident?

I get the feeling that you think you’re empathetic but I don’t think you are. I think you’re the opposite. Rather than considering other people’s feelings in these situations and putting yourself in their shoes, you’re very centred on your own feelings and reactions to events and how other people react to you.

I think you kind of need to concentrate on what you’re asking for from your partner in yourself. When the sleep incident happened you didn’t stop to think, why has this happened, how does he feel about this, how can I fix this, how can I help? Yet this is the response you expected from your partner from your text.

There really is truth in “treat others as you want to be treated yourself”. If you had shown some empathy after the sleep incident, I think your partner would have been more inclined to empathise with you when you needed it too.

The text thing is kind of the problem now we are all in the mobile phone generation. We text people and then assume that we have some kind of right to a reply. Which, when people are working, or otherwise busy, we don't really. Things were easier before mobiles. I wouldn't use my works phone to ring and tell my husband about a horrible incident at work. And he wouldn't expect me to. I would just wait till we were face to face to have a proper conversation. Now the lines are blurred. I don't think your husband was wrong not to answer. And you have over reacted about the bed thing too. Sorry..

If you're in a normal double bed I can't even imagine how this sort of incident wouldn't happen every night, they are tiny. You need a bigger bed or to go twin if this is likely to happen again, I wouldn't want to be kicked either.

That said you know what he's like. If he's ultimately a good guy but is slow on the uptake on things like text messages you might need to get used to it.

Drama llama

YABU.

I once bit (I have no idea HOW) an ex in the BACK whilst dreaming that I was biting off an attacker. It was an absolutely savage bite, with serious bruising for ages. It was a complete accident and you can’t be held accountable for this sort of thing. My Ex was hurt but once the pain subsided he thought it was hilarious (me not so much as we were on holiday with his parents so they all saw his back!)

The work thing is the sort of thing DH would
do - he wanted to discuss it in full and in person. What’s the issue? Probably didn’t know how to respond to something so bad via text. I think you are being unreasonable and overreacting to both.

You sound very very highly strung and that level of drama would be way too much for me I’m afraid.

...drip feed ...... and flounce.

If you want name calling, you're a drama llama OP and YABU

Oh god.
You sound like such hard work. How did you manage to make someone else being suicidal about you? It was only over the phone, I don't think you really needed any sort of support for that, or if you did you're a little too sensitive. It's the customer who is suffering...

I would agree with the poster who says that actually you are displaying a massive lack of empathy yourself.

I just read your update... You emailed and rang the suicidal person? Please stop, this is inappropriate and you said yourself you have no training.

I feel that you may have a tendency to react to others distress by making it all about you.

You're husband clearly has some worrying issues that affect his sleeping, your reaction was not empathetic, but all about your own distress. Similarly with the suicidal client: while I'm sure you dealt with the client in an appropriate way, your reaction afterwards shows not empathy, but a lack of professional boundaries.

I often have to deal with some very distressing things in my job, including working with a lot of clients with suicidal ideation (only this week, a client I saw had attempted suicide at the weekend). I don't bring it home, I get support from my colleagues and manager, and they have appropriate mechanisms in place to support us with this stuff. It's a health and safety matter really, your employer has a duty to ensure that distress from this sort of thing is minimised.

The only time I have shared anything like that with DP was when I got a lot of threatening texts and emails from an ex-client who was very unwell. The only reason I told him was because I was livid that the police wouldn't do anything. Work were brilliant, anything like that gets reported to the trustees, and they asked the CEO to write to the Chief Constable expressing concerns. (The client was ultimately arrested for threatening violence to someone in person, in the council offices, and was then sectioned.)

Some stuff you have to just suck up and move on, and develop some resilience. It's really not personal, neither is someone kicking out in their sleep, even if it does hurt you.

It's harder to be resilient when you're stressed, and I wonder if you might be a naturally stressy person? If so, it might help you to look into some relaxation techniques.

You could have comforted him after a violent dream rather than made it about you

But it was about her. He kicked her hard and it hurt her. She was supposed to comfort him? Sometimes I feel this site should be renamed handmaidensnet...

blondiefan
But yes, emotional support is woefully lacking.

To be honest, after reading the posts I get the impression you need more emotional support than most, and use drama to get it.

I think you’re very eager to become a victim of everyday situations, this thread included. I have a friend who makes everything about her, it’s draining

You sound ridiculously over dramatic. A lot of pain and fear, was he wearing hob nailed boots in bed?

The sleep thing- give over and get over yourself. I apparently grabbed my husband by the throat the other week in my sleep. Once he got me to let go he established I was in fact asleep and we talked about it the next day. He didn't ask me to leave the room. I'm not a violent person, but we all do weird things in our sleep!

The second thing, maybe he should have texted you back, but if he was going to talk to when you got home then that suggests he shows empathy. Maybe he thought it was best to talk to you face to face to offer you support?

You're really a bit over the top.

I don't think you sound over dramatic at all. What I read from your post is that your DH does not respond in a supportive way when you are ill, emotionally stressed ( by the suicidal customer) and refused to consider your physical well-being in relation to his violent dreams. Of course he should move beds, even if he is asleep and it's not his fault why would he risk hurting you?? I am really surprised at the responses on here.

Remove whatever causes your allergic reaction in the spare room and sleep there.

I hear you op
If the sleep thing had happened between me and my ex
He would say ‘I didn’t do it on purpose!’ There would never Be an apology/ further discussion / doctors appointment etc
My ex feels that all mention of suicide whether real or fake are just attention seeking and should be ignored - so had that happened to me ( customer on the phone threatening it) he’d have said nothing about it as there wouldn’t be anything to discuss
I’m more like you

I completely disagree with everyone on the thread who has said you're being unreasonable.

You shouldn't feel obliged to put yourself in a position where you feel unsafe. For any reason. I don't think your way of describing it was over the top either. How frightening to be woken up as you're being assaulted! Yes, it could be very serious and yes, he should have bothered himself to have woken up and made sure you were alright. Not that he can be held responsible, but it would be still be decent and it's certainly his responsibility to ensure he doesn't put you in a position where you could be hurt by him, even unknowingly. I just wonder if there's something deeper going on at a neurological level that makes this too tricky for him.

Clearly, this violence is not your DH's fault but is much more serious than the odd elbow. I do know how violent people can be in their sleep. If you have Parkinsons in the family you'd be right to get yourselves to a consultant specialising in it as early intervention is so important.

Regarding the work thing, I can imagine this being awful. I can also understand someone else not realising that it was an emotional crisis for you though, especially if you know they're slow on the uptake emotionally. I don't do text messaging much and can't stand people thinking I'm on call to their texts, particularly if I'm at work. If you were very upset and needed a moment's reassurance that it was worth interrupting a working day for, it would have been better to call him IMO. What of importance or significant comfort could possibly be said in a text message? My DH is rotten at switching roles when he's at work (so am I) so I would have to be really, really upset to expect emotional support during working time!

But overall I'm sorry for you and appalled at the catty responses you've had. You shouldn't have to go to bed feeling unsafe and if your DH knows he has this propensity, it's his responsibility to ensure he doesn't harm you.

A couple of months ago, my husband punched me three times in the leg. It hurt. He was sound asleep, so I let it go and thought no more of it.
Two weeks later, I was woken by him punching me in the stomach. He is very muscular and strong and he wasn't pulling his punches at all. I saw him kneeling over me and then my screaming woke him and he stopped, but swore at me when I yelled at him.
We don't have a spare room, and the sofas are too short for sleeping on, so we have to share a bed. He thinks I should get over it and stop being a bitch, because he was asleep. I think I would never stop apologising if I'd done that to him. Either way, I haven't had a good night's sleep since. Every time he makes a sound in his sleep, I wake up and I can't get to sleep again until I'm sure that he isn't having a nightmare.
I doubt myself and him constantly- I'm not always sure I believe he was asleep, and then sometimes I think I must have imagined it. I wonder if it is a coincidence that he only hit me in places where the bruises didn't show and I am frustrated by his refusal to talk about it or seek help.

I haven't told anyone about it, because I'm afraid of the consequences for me and the children- would his nightmares get worse and I'd get a worse beating? Would someone make a report to SS? Would I even be believed? It probably sounds fairly minor to someone who hasn't experienced it, but for the first time in 25 years I go to bed afraid. And I don't really care how OTT that sounds, because that is my lived experience and it is hard.