AIBU over DH's lack of compassion? *trigger warning - suicide mention*

[blondiefan]

NC for this. Been with DH for 10+ years, two DC together. In lots of ways he's a fantastic partner and father but struggles to show compassion and empathy in some situations, like when I'm ill. Two events have happened in the last week that he refuses to see he should have reacted differently in.

The first was last weekend - every few months he has a episode in his sleep where he jerks violently and sometimes I'm elbowed or similar. Last weekend he yelled out in his sleep and his legs flailed - I was kicked hard. It woke me suddenly and I was in a lot of pain so cried out in fear and with the pain. He mumbled "sorry" a few times and then rolled over to go back asleep. I was really shaken up at being woken from a deep sleep in such a violent way and asked him to sleep in spare room as I was petrified of it happening again - he refused. Eventually after my getting increasingly upset he went in a huff. Next day I was told he felt justified in not wanting to move. I said it's fine to not want to but surely a reasonable person would as they've just really hurt and frightened their partner?!
We've talked about it since and he's discussed going to GP about his sleep issues, but is still side stepping the issue of compassion.

Then yesterday - I had a terrible day at work as a distraught customer was threatening suicide over the phone with me. I don't work in a profession where you'd be trained to deal with this.
I messaged him afterwards (he was working from home) and could see he read it but no response all day, not even a "how awful, hope all's ok".
When I got home and asked him, apparently he was just going to talk about it to me when I got home. I'm overreacting for expecting a response at some point during the day, even just an acknowledgement. It wasn't that he was busy (he was at home), he just didn't bother.

So.......am I being unreasonable to expect a bit more empathy and compassion? It worries me that I'll have to go through really traumatic life events like loss of a parent with him, and he'll not show much compassion at all. I do think it's tied in with his upbringing as his mother would be similar, but it's just so different to how I am and I'm really struggling with his refusal to understand and just continue to tell me that I'm overreacting!

Google violent movements during sleep and you'll get a load of resources OP.

Like sleepfoundation.org/ask-the-expert/sleep-and-parasomnias

The way your talking about fear of violence and attacks in the bed I thought he’d punched you or held you by your throat. Had to go and reread your OP. It’s very emotive language you’re using, making it out as DV. Do you think this is DV, and if not shouldn’t you be worrying more about him if it could be a symptom of a serious neurological disorder?

Yes, woken up by a hard kick is not nice, I know. Sort out you spare room so you can remove yourself from the situation if you awake lie in fear of it happening again.

I accidentally punched DP square in the face whilst fast asleep once. He woke up and couldn’t stop laughing!

YABU and a bit weird

Am confused about the suicidal client, did you say in your field you don't have training to deal with this?

If so, you shouldn't really be contacting the client to check in with them since their suicidal episode. Boundaries are really important here. Client needs properly trained mental health support.

I have a H like this at home. He will not help you and be there when shit hits the fan.
Because he will see that as an inconvenience to him and you overreacting.

If he is hitting you in his sleep ands done for a long time, he should be at his GP asap. I wouod also expect him to ensure he is disturbing you at night. Not different than if he was snoring very loudly. You would expect him to go to the spare room (not you moving).

I would expect an acknowledgement from your text, as I would for any text. But even more so if it’s something that has clearly affected you. Not a whole discussion but a few words (let’s talk about it tonight).

If my dh woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me to go and sleep in the spare room because I'd accidentally kicked him in my sleep, I'd tell him to go fuck himself.

And I have hurt him many times due to me being a figit and him having a leg injury.

As for the suicidal customer, ok its upset you, but it wouldn't bother a lot of people. Most would just call the local police and leave it there. I don't think it makes your dh a horrid person or means that he doesn't care about the people in his life just because he doesn't care about a stranger. Maybe he just doesn't understand why you care. I'm not saying you are wrong to care or be effected by it, your obvs a very caring and compassionate person which is a good thing, but alot of people arn't as bothered by stuff like that.

You are being VERY unreasonable.

Poor man. You have been together for 10+ years (10 years 0ne week)? And yet you are suggesting that this is a problem why?

You sound like a very needy woman. Not good.

I’m laways surprised by the difference between MN (where people seem to think everyone has to be totally self sufficient and any hint of needing suppport/being compassionate is seen as ‘too much’, being ‘high strung’ or very ‘damanding’) vs RL where people are very happy to acknowledge that compassion in a relationhsip goes a long way.

So is respect imo and his responses show a lack of respect too (nonissue with disturbing your sleep or hurting you as well as no need to acknowledge your text).
If this wasn’t your DH, I’m sure most people would see that as being rude tbh.

This sounds unreasonable on the OP's part. Someone has a bad dream and they get kicked out to the spare room. The second incident was almost worse in a sense - what could he do?

I think OP you should be kinder to your husband. I don't think he's done much wrong here - he couldn't help having a nightmare. Perhaps you could have been more kindly and sympathetic about that and got him to open up about the night frights.

Some of these answers are tbh.
So apparently most people wouldn’t be bothered by someone telling them they are suicidal?? Really don’t you really care at all about others, even when you dint know them??

And it’s ok to hurt your partner because what? They are your partner for a long time so they should just put up with being hurt? Riiiight.....

These that’s not a bad dream though, like a one off. It’s a regular thing aka a health issue.
Wouod you really be happy to be woken in a fright on a regular basis? I doubt it.

I can understand why you were scared of it happening again that night and yes, he should have gone in the spare room the first time you asked him to. He’s twice your size and could have seriously hurt you if he’d gone back into that ‘nightmare’.

...and yes, he’d be staying in the spare room until he went to the Drs and whoever else he needs to see to get this sorted.

It’s nothing like the normal knees/elbows/stray thump you often get when sharing a bed. This is someone who is fighting in their deep sleep and needs help before they really, really hurt or kill someone.

As for the situation at work, the very least he could have done was reply ‘Oh that’s awful. Are you ok love? Big hug when you get home, take care xx’ type thing. Ignoring you is shitty.

Maybe he should discuss his lack of empathy with his GP too. It might be related to the sleep thing.

If you are not trained to deal with a suicidal client, you should not be continuing to contact the client.

The client contacted you at work - it was upsetting for you. Work have been supportive. Great. That's it. You should be having no further contact with this client except to continue to signpost them to appropriate healthcare and that you are not this - no emails, no long conversations etc.

I don't think there was anything wrong in your DH's text to you. You were at work, he acknowledged you were upset, it sounded nice.

So you were petrified, crying out in fear from The violence?

But it happens a lot? Or certainly has happened before? If you accept this is not out of the blue for your partner why would it be terrifying- and if it is terrifying, how did you get to sleep in the first place?

On what basis have you come to the conclusion he has RBD- a condition affecting less than 1% of the population- are you sleep experts?

It’s all very dramatic and YABU.

With regard to the suicide- what would you like him to have said? I’m not sure there is a suitable quick reply to that. I think his plan to comfort you later in person sounds reaonsabkd.

tambien honestly no it wouldn’t bother me. Seeing someone or finding someone who had committed suicide yes that would but someone just talking about it I would consider a cry for help and inform the correct people to get them help. I might mention it to dh but I wouldn’t be hung up by if he cared or not.

If you work with the general public you’ve got to expect pretty much anything. Only last week I’ve had a person threaten to assault a women who I also deal with. I informed my boss and am keeping an eye on the situation as well as talking to both parties. I have to regularly get in the middle of disputes and look for possibly injured or could even be dead people, and deal with aggressive/volatile/complicated situations none of which is in my job description.

Chatty you are clearly used to deal with the public in circumstances that can lead to that sort of situation.

From what the OP is saying, that’s NOT a normal occurrence. She isn't trained to deal with that sort of situation. And you have no idea of what the person told her or how they said they wanted to kill themsleves nor the situation they were in.

Eg I had someone telling me that a child in their family wanted to kill themselves. This unsettled me a lot and went right to my heart. Because the child in question was the same sex and the same age than my own child. This really really disturbed me.
On the other side, someone going in about how bad they feel and how they want to end it all didn’t that much (I seem to attract people who want to talk about death and suicide...)

So yes actually a bit of compassion wouod have been welcome because neither yourself nor her DH had any idea about how unsettling the situation was for her.
And that’s wo even going into the fact that you can’t police people emotions nor tell them how they ought to feel about a particular incident. It’s not because xxx didn’t affect you that it shouldn’t affect anyone else. It would be like saying that having an early miscarriage didn’t affect you so it shouldn’t never affect any woman.

Ok everyone, I've thanked those who were helpful previously, and acknowledged my own shortcomings.

Have had enough of the name calling now though so will call it a night.

It reads like you’re a very over-dramatic person and he might be a bit sick of the dramatics.

It can be very hard work being around such a high maintenance person!

I think you are being slightly unreasonable because it just sounds like you want a lot more emotion than he is able to give. You need to work together to meet in the middle perhaps?

I sympathise with the nighttime thing as my husband screams and jerks in his sleep quite often too... has done since he was a child and I can be awoken by him screaming 'stop nooo' in my face or even hitting out at me.
He doesnt mean to do it at all or even remember what he was dreaming about most of the time.
I have sometimes asked him to sleep in the spare room after hes being doing that but quite often he is too asleep to really be moved so I go and sleep in the spare room.

Hes not doing it on purpose and it is a bit harsh to wake him up and make him move just because you have been woken up. Its not like its done maliciously so being angry is not a great response.

Regarding the support about the suicidal customer its difficult to gauge because the way both you and your husband responded are pretty normal... its just that unfortunately you arent on the same page.

I dont really respond to texts during the day... and if it were something like that id probably also wait until actually seeing the person to discuss it as I hate communicating via phone and text. So i dont think your husband was reacting out of the realms of normality.
However neither were you in wanting some comfort....
its just sad you arent on the same page about emotional responses

Have had enough of the name calling now though so will call it a night

what name calling? You’ve had some straight talking here, and fair enough if some of it is a bit blunt to read - but I can’t see anyone calling you names. Again, it’s a bit of a dramatic response from you...

Why would you feel fearful of your own partner, who accidentally hurt you in his sleep??
I've been kicked, hit, elbowed, etc by my partner in his sleep a hundred times. I've done the same to him too, all by accident.

You sound like a pathetic drama queen! You're totally out of order expecting him to sleep elsewhere. If you were really worried, why didn't you sleep somewhere else??

You say you & partner have talked about seeing his GP, clearly suggesting that there may be an underlying issue for him. Why don't you try having a little compassion for him?

I don't understand how you know he wasn't afraid but then say he was having a violent dream and acting it out? That is scary.

As is potentially having a degenerative neurological disease. He might need some empathy if he's afraid of seeing the doctor and dealing with this?

it's a violent dream that results in him feeling the need to attack his bed partner in defence! what? Feeling the need? He's unconscious at the time! I'm so happy I have an understanding "bed partner". I have kicked and hit out at him a fair few times because I have night terrors where I relive all the times my ex raped me. My boyfriend will wake me gently then cuddle me tight until I calm down and fall back to sleep. He would never try and make me feel like an abuser or like it was my fault because he loves me.

Yanbu. If he is hurting you regularly in his sleep and occurrences are increasing he really needs to see his GP about this.

DH has hit me once in his sleep in 19 years. Gave me a fright and he was mortified, if it happened regularly I'm pretty sure he'd be offering to sleep in the spare room!

If his actions when he's also are caused by a medical condition, I'm sure the op would have plenty of sympathy for her DH, but she also has the right to protect herself.

As for the phone call, I have a fair few like that where I work. They can be upsetting. I've spoken to some very distressed people and some quite disturbed people. If one upset me enough that I felt the need to text DH for reassurance I think he'd reply if he was able - he met me for lunch after a particularly difficult one.

OP, just wondering, are you possibly in the habit of becoming overwhelmed and screaming at iconic pieces of art…?