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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder how to broach this matter with DPs ex?

108 replies

NoPhelange · 15/06/2018 14:39

My partner is divorced. He has access to his son 2 days every week midweek, and every third weekend. His son lives and goes to school 18 miles away, mostly motorway driving which in morning rush hour traffic can take 30+ minutes each way. DP doesn't drive, meaning it's left to me to get his son to and from school on his access days when he comes to stay with us, as his mum point blank refuses to do any of the drop offs or collections. It works out 7 X 18 mile trips on the days we have him, I also collect and drop him on the weekends we have him. We've now just been informed that on one of those access days, his son has signed up to a sport near his primary address which means training is every week from 7-8pm, meaning I'll have to go there and wait for him to finish. Making it 9 X 18 mile trips per week, with an hour of sitting in my car waiting.

I have 2 young children myself, and tbh the whole thing at times is a logistical nightmare. DP has worked his rotas so that he is off work for these access days and stays behind of a morning/afternoon to get mine ready for or collect from school, and I usually take mine to school as soon as I'm back from taking DPs son. The whole thing on a school morning is a mad rush against time.

DP knows I'm not happy with it, the cost of it at times is ridiculous, but as his ex just simply refuses to he feels there's nothing much we can do else he doesn't see his son which is why I do it.

I suppose I just need a reality check? Is this fair or AIBU for resenting this at times? Yesterday was mental traffic wise and as we get into there town I was driving behind his mum who was taking his older sister to college around the corner from their home which just gave me the fucking rage. I don't expect her to drive here of a morning to take him to school but she finishes work by 2pm, so a drop off here and there would be very bloody welcomed. So give it to me MN Jury, do I need to suck this up or would I be justified in trying to come to some sort of alternative arrangement?

OP posts:
JontyDoggle37 · 15/06/2018 14:42

The alternative arrangement is that, unless your DP has a medical condition that prevents it, then he learns to drive and gets a car so he can collect his own child!!!

Notthatwomanagain · 15/06/2018 14:42

Your DP needs to learn to drive

gracielacey · 15/06/2018 14:42

A few things...
A) Your partner needs to learn to drive - it's his kid, he should be responsible for pick ups
B) given the not inconsiderable distance, weekday contact doesn't really seem to be working. Could you alter it to one day midweek, but then every other weekend, to reduce the number of school drop offs?

gracielacey · 15/06/2018 14:43

Or maybe just every other weekend.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 15/06/2018 14:44

DP has got you as his taxi. This isn't for EX, this is for your partner to sort out... Could he miss out on the weekend sports activity. It seems a strain on you.

Hideandgo · 15/06/2018 14:45

I think an alternative is well justified. I’d be looking for 1 weeknight a week and every other weekend.

NoPhelange · 15/06/2018 14:45

Sorry should have said, DP is learning to drive... But a motorcycle as the cost of running another car/insurance for a new driver is bloody extortionate. He'll be using that to commute to work 30 miles away which he currently cycles 😳

OP posts:
MsHopey · 15/06/2018 14:47

I agree with PP about your partner learning to drive.
I specifically told my DH I wanted him to learn to drive before we had kids because i didn't want to be solely responsible. At least now we can split the driving. I would be peeved doing that much driving, but if you could split it between the 2 of you it would make it easier.
Also, 18 miles with motorway is quite far on rush your, who moved away after the split? Because she would have more reason to not want to do the driving if it was your DP.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 15/06/2018 14:48

What was his plan ignore he had never met you?

gracielacey · 15/06/2018 14:48

I don't see why the child should have to miss out on training for a sport just because his parents are divorced and live 18 miles apart.

But realistically, he shouldn't be coming to stay with you that night. You need to cut down the midweek contact and increase weekends.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 15/06/2018 14:48

You don't discuss it with her, your partner should. What would he do if you weren't there?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 15/06/2018 14:48

If* not ignore.

I’m fact what did he do before he met you? Who fetched his child for him?

MsHopey · 15/06/2018 14:49

Motorcycle insurance isn't particularly cheap tbh. I would sacrifice the cost for my sanity, it's only the first years insurance on a car that is really extautionate, it gets a lot cheaper quite fast after that. My DH has both licenses, a car license came first. Couldn't be be a second driver on your policy if you share the car?

PretABoire · 15/06/2018 14:49

How is it that your DP can manage to pick up your DC from school but can't figure out how to sort out his own DC (learn to drive, or take a taxi) - how on earth is it the mum's fault? His days are his responsibility.

GrannyGrissle · 15/06/2018 14:51

Fuck that OP don't be a martyr. Every other weekend or nothing. All this rushing round and time spent driving means He sees his kid at the expense of yours missing out.

GrannyGrissle · 15/06/2018 14:51

PS. I trust DP is paying for your car, petrol w&t etc?

SweetCheeks1980 · 15/06/2018 14:52

I think if you're taking his son to school your partner should take yours to school on the access days so it's less hassle for you.

TERFragetteCity · 15/06/2018 14:54

Forget the weeknights and do every other weekend.

NoPhelange · 15/06/2018 14:55

DP moved away yes, the only way she would agree to divorce was for him to move out and give her the house so he moved out and in with a friend nearby til he met/eventually moved in with me so access was always within walking distance. As I said I don't expect her to even half it with me, but possibly dropping him after school one day or at a weekend when she isn't in work would surely be fair? I split all of my collections and drops with my ex, but do all of theirs. Just having a moment of feeling like between that and my kids I do nothing but fill up my tank and drive around all week! Made a rod for my own back agreeing to and doing it for so long I suppose but it was either agree or access wasn't going to happen any longer and she was refusing to do any of the runs.

OP posts:
PretABoire · 15/06/2018 14:55

Also have you looked at how much new driver insurance would cost on your own insurance? Could you share the car?

Really it's his problem - changing contact to weekends only or reducing contact seems very selfish.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 15/06/2018 14:56

As I said I don't expect her to even half it with me

You’re expecting the wrong person to step up here. It’s him that you need to be - -telling- - asking to halve or share the fetching with.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 15/06/2018 14:57

Just tell him you’re not doing it anymore and he’ll have to sort out a solution himself.

MsHopey · 15/06/2018 15:00

I think you need to talk to your partner about it.
You seem very resentful, he's the one who doesn't drive and decided to move away. I know as he's your partner and you want to make everyone happy you've taken the drop offs. But I think you either need to try and swap contact days (I can always understand why main resident parents want to keep weekends as they are more enjoys me than the grunt work of weekdays). Or work out how your DP can help with collections, I.e. getting a license and sharing the car and being the additional driver on your policy.
It would be nice if the ex wanted to help, but I don't think she has any obligation to under these circumstances, but then i don't think you do either.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 15/06/2018 15:02

How old is dc?
Bus?

mytittifersungtheirsong · 15/06/2018 15:02

It's not the ex wife's problem. It's your DH. He chose to move away from his son so he has to choose to either learn to drive, get a taxi or public transport. Or move back closer to his son again. He has many active choices he can make to put his son first. It's not your problem nor should your own DC suffer for it.

Fair enough you want to help but I actually think you are being taken for a mug here.