To wonder how to broach this matter with DPs ex?

[NoPhelange]

My partner is divorced. He has access to his son 2 days every week midweek, and every third weekend. His son lives and goes to school 18 miles away, mostly motorway driving which in morning rush hour traffic can take 30+ minutes each way. DP doesn't drive, meaning it's left to me to get his son to and from school on his access days when he comes to stay with us, as his mum point blank refuses to do any of the drop offs or collections. It works out 7 X 18 mile trips on the days we have him, I also collect and drop him on the weekends we have him. We've now just been informed that on one of those access days, his son has signed up to a sport near his primary address which means training is every week from 7-8pm, meaning I'll have to go there and wait for him to finish. Making it 9 X 18 mile trips per week, with an hour of sitting in my car waiting.

I have 2 young children myself, and tbh the whole thing at times is a logistical nightmare. DP has worked his rotas so that he is off work for these access days and stays behind of a morning/afternoon to get mine ready for or collect from school, and I usually take mine to school as soon as I'm back from taking DPs son. The whole thing on a school morning is a mad rush against time.

DP knows I'm not happy with it, the cost of it at times is ridiculous, but as his ex just simply refuses to he feels there's nothing much we can do else he doesn't see his son which is why I do it.

I suppose I just need a reality check? Is this fair or AIBU for resenting this at times? Yesterday was mental traffic wise and as we get into there town I was driving behind his mum who was taking his older sister to college around the corner from their home which just gave me the fucking rage. I don't expect her to drive here of a morning to take him to school but she finishes work by 2pm, so a drop off here and there would be very bloody welcomed. So give it to me MN Jury, do I need to suck this up or would I be justified in trying to come to some sort of alternative arrangement?

Your DP sounds like a whiny cocklodger OP.

You provide him with both a home AND a personal taxi service and anytime you complain about the (frankly ridiculous), situation with HIS kid it "goes down like a sack of shit". Of course it does. He is perfectly happy with you going out of your way and making sacrifices to facilitate HIS life, but woe betide you try to step out of line.

His learning to drive a motorbike is purely for his own selfish benefit (so he no longer has to cycle to work), and of no benefit to your family unit whatsoever. Total waste of money that could have been put towards learning to drive a car instead. He sounds like an overgrown teenager who thinks the women in his life are responsible for organising it.

You do not have to suck it up. Work out what you are willing to do and when - no more than 50% (and that's being generous) and nothing that stop you putting your children to bed. Tell him what you've decided, tell him it's not up for negotiation and the rest is for him to sort out.

He's 14.
I think the access on the day of sports training should be dropped.
It's not practical.
In fact, I think access days during school week should be dropped too.
EOW.

DP isn't learning to drive, he's learning to ride.
He shouldn't have wasted money learning to ride a MC-I know how expensive it is, my DP did his and it cost a bomb- he should be learning to drive a car.

I can't believe he's planning on getting a motorbike while you do all that driving. He doesn't sound like much of a catch

How did he see his son before he met you?

Another one gobsmacked that your partner is learning to drive a motorbike rather than a car. That is completely selfish - he isn't expecting to transport his children, do shopping, pick things up, be the designated driver, - nothing, in short, that might be of benefit to anyone else, only himself.

What are you, his chauffeur?

Also (At the risk of sounding like the evil stepmum) I would an saying I can't possibly miss 2 of my dcs bedtime routine and goodnight cuddles for a club.
And the I would leave it to his parents to sort.
You have done more than your fair share. It's their turn to stress.
Side note: I do also feel it is slightly unfair mum said yes to a club without consulting how pick up at the other side would work though. But then she was just putting her child first.
Put your children to bed and let them stress is what I would do.

How is your DP learning to drive a motorbike, buying and insuring side motorbike working out cheaper than him being insured on the car you already have? Just seems reckless and irresponsible to me, and certainly won’t save money kn the long run, not to mention massively taking your time away from your own DC. You need to have a serious chat with him about sorting this situation so it isn’t so shitty for you OP. Switch to weekend contact until he can drive, then you can revert to midweek when it suits.

Its interesting that some posters are saying "you sound resentful", "you're angry with his ex" when the OP doesn't come across like that at all - so why would those posters say that? Is every woman who meets a man who was previously in a relationship supposed to be some sort of lesser being?

I think P is justified be a bit peeved, but she is being entirely reasonable and trying to accommodate the ex wife at the expense of her own younger children. The OP wasn't the "other woman" so surely all these adults should be working together to make things run smoothly and if they aren't, then its not the OP's fault. I agree with Weezol

"I think the OP is justified" that should say.

Your DP needs to drive a car.
Not a motorcycle.
A car.
You are saying that you will be the put upon driver forever.
If he won't learn now, then when?
This is the crucial time when he is needed as a driver for your sanity.
Still he won't learn ? He's taking the p**s

I am honestly astounded at the posters suggesting the son should only see his dad 4/30 days because he's an inconvenience...

Just say NO. Your dp and his ex and their ds have not bothered to work out a reasonable solution because you have said I'll do this. As long as you don't prioritize yourself and your own dc's, they certainly won't be doing so. Just say NO and refuse to do any more driving. I suspect that a new schedule will be developed lickety split.

I’m interested in what the discussion about moving 18 miles away involved WRT collecting his child. Did he just assume you would do it indefinitely or did he not even consider it?

If you were, God forbid, to be ill, or in some way incapacitated, what would happen then? They'd soon figure out a way. I think it's very hard on you that this routine has been worked out. The only one putting themselves out is you. If he's getting a motorbike, better get some life assurance sorted out too.

I agree with @melonscoffer, he's having a laugh, OP, it's time for change, you're been played like a fiddle, all round. This is ridiculous, you spend too much time on the road. Tell your DP to get his act together, that you're no longer prepared to do, what he should be doing, and mean it. If you don't, I can't see him changing, anytime soon.
Tell him to learn in an automatic, on an intense course, he can pick up a little car, and do if himself. Time fir him to honour his own responsibilities.
I'm sure you'd like to take your own children to school, whatever you do, don't marry this user.

I suppose a 14 year old could go on the back of a motorbike with the appropriate gear.

You definitely don't have to just accept it though! Get him to change his access days!

Lots of PP saying that the problem lies with your DP.
I disagree.
I am politely saying that your problem lies with you.
You are unhappy with all this driving, so say no.
Your DP and his ex have a logistics problem.
However you have a problem in that you do not want to do all this driving and also miss your children going to bed.
By the way , I don't see 18 miles as being a long way actually.
However this timing of all these trips is very off and you should now say no.
Or say you will continue on the condition that he takes his first driving a car lesson asap. I mean asap this coming week.

If his son is 14 he is old enough to ride pillion. Then your DP can do his lifts.

Just say tell your partner to get lost.
Its his problem not yours, he can use public transport to collect and drop off his son.

My ds is 14 and fully capable of travelling to /fro his df's house 30 miles away.. He doesn't now but used to. Nc now. Due to lack of parenting on his df's part. What respect does his ds have for him??

Oh and not in an automatic because that limits his buying a car choices so much
Automatics go for a higher price because there are so few and they are sought after.
I drive one because of disability.

"The days are what his son chose, his mum asked him to choose and this is what he picked."

Sounds like he needs to change his choices then if he wants to do this club.

Your husband needs a car. I would not be happy to see my child on the back of a motorbike.

This thread would be a good example to post on that thread where the op is wondering if dating someone with kids is a good idea.
Total nightmare.

Yanbu op.

Tell him to arrange taxi’s for his DS. It’s a small price to pay for the amount of time you are in the car. No wonder he’s taking his own sweet time about learning to drive. Maybe every time he stumps up for a taxi it will encourage him. I mean what on earth was he going to do if you couldn’t drive? Or if he found a girlfriend that just said No.
As for the training, well he should request a change in access night to one that’s more suitable so he can actually see his DS or say no, he can’t facilitate the extra travel. Maybe have him every other weekend instead of every third. Your partner needs to sort it out.