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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how to broach this matter with DPs ex?

108 replies

NoPhelange · 15/06/2018 14:39

My partner is divorced. He has access to his son 2 days every week midweek, and every third weekend. His son lives and goes to school 18 miles away, mostly motorway driving which in morning rush hour traffic can take 30+ minutes each way. DP doesn't drive, meaning it's left to me to get his son to and from school on his access days when he comes to stay with us, as his mum point blank refuses to do any of the drop offs or collections. It works out 7 X 18 mile trips on the days we have him, I also collect and drop him on the weekends we have him. We've now just been informed that on one of those access days, his son has signed up to a sport near his primary address which means training is every week from 7-8pm, meaning I'll have to go there and wait for him to finish. Making it 9 X 18 mile trips per week, with an hour of sitting in my car waiting.

I have 2 young children myself, and tbh the whole thing at times is a logistical nightmare. DP has worked his rotas so that he is off work for these access days and stays behind of a morning/afternoon to get mine ready for or collect from school, and I usually take mine to school as soon as I'm back from taking DPs son. The whole thing on a school morning is a mad rush against time.

DP knows I'm not happy with it, the cost of it at times is ridiculous, but as his ex just simply refuses to he feels there's nothing much we can do else he doesn't see his son which is why I do it.

I suppose I just need a reality check? Is this fair or AIBU for resenting this at times? Yesterday was mental traffic wise and as we get into there town I was driving behind his mum who was taking his older sister to college around the corner from their home which just gave me the fucking rage. I don't expect her to drive here of a morning to take him to school but she finishes work by 2pm, so a drop off here and there would be very bloody welcomed. So give it to me MN Jury, do I need to suck this up or would I be justified in trying to come to some sort of alternative arrangement?

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 15/06/2018 16:14

april Op said the bus is 3.5 hours. That’s not a reasonable time to expect a 14 year old to spend travelling after school twice a week to see his dad.

melonscoffer · 15/06/2018 16:14

Everyone who is talking about pillion for the son is forgetting that the OP has children too.
The DP cannot just provide means to give his own son a life. How selfish is that.
He needs to step up as a family man and stop acting like a single man.
Motorbikes are no good to transport a family of five.
My husband and I have had motorbikes all our lives, from age 16 .
However we also had a car/cars because we had children and we're not selfish.
It is freezing on a bike in the winter and dangerous when icy. So this man would not collect his son in those weeks?

wheezing · 15/06/2018 16:16

I’m a non driver because I find driving utterly terrifying and can live my life without it. If I was in your DP’s shoes I’d get a driving licence and just live with the cost. I really don’t see any other option. It is 100% his responsibility.
How can he live so far away from his child without a viable way of getting to him?

melonscoffer · 15/06/2018 16:17

Is there a court agreement to this access?

BewareOfDragons · 15/06/2018 16:20

This is your partner's problem to sort out. I would give him a deadline to do so. His failure to be responsible for the pick ups and drop offs of his own child is impinging on your own time and relationship with your own children and wearing you down. That has to stop.

He needs to get a license and a vehicle that can transport a child or stump up for a taxi/bus for himself and the child. He probably also needs to switch his access to EOW if possible to make it easier.

If he's not willing to work this out somehow, then I also think you need to seriously reconsider the relationship, or he needs to move out and closer to his child.

LittleOwl153 · 15/06/2018 16:22

Until DP can drive and sort out his own transport I would say sorry I'm not doing the sport trip.

SS needs to

  1. Change his access night to one that he doesnt need to be back near home
  2. Do the sport on another night
  3. Do the sport on an access night but at a club close to you.

You are leaving your kids for someone unrelated to them to put them to bed to facilitate his kids changing plans. You need to draw the line. At 14 he surely understands this.

Personally I would say 2 nights in the week are not working either. As again you are leaving your kids who appear to be younger to drive around someone else's. I would suggest 1 and EO weekend or something so that the time doesn't change but he actually spends time with his dad rather than in the car with you.

LittleOwl153 · 15/06/2018 16:25

At 14 I would consider booking him a taxi from school to your house, or from your house to school for part of the time at least to ease the strain too. No reason why he cannot do this alone.

PrettyLovely · 15/06/2018 16:25

"Its interesting that some posters are saying "you sound resentful", "you're angry with his ex" when the OP doesn't come across like that at all"
Completely agree with this^^

You sound like you have taken on far too much!! The contact days arent for the child to decide but for the parents to, Did he not consider the impact it would have on you at all before he agreed to this!? Doesnt sound like it!
He needs to find a better arrangement.

You sound like a fantastic stepmum dont let your partner take advantage of your kindness.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 15/06/2018 16:26

DP moved away yes, the only way she would agree to divorce was for him to move out and give her the house

And he's lying to you. This ^ is utter rubbish. She doesn't need to agree to a divorce.

PrettyLovely · 15/06/2018 16:30

Also cant the 14 year old get the train?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 15/06/2018 16:34

Motorbikes are no good to transport a family of five.

You’re right. OP has been using her car, and her time from her children and her money to facilitate his contact. And when the time comes for him to learn to drive he chooses not to repay the favour by enabling himself to ferry her children but rather spend some her family money on a vehicle and lessons that will only facilitate himself. Nice.

AlfredDaButtler · 15/06/2018 16:42

What kind of a father, when faced with a situation where they need to learn to drive, chooses to learn to ride a fucking motorbike when it's the car they need to ferry their kid around?

StaplesCorner · 15/06/2018 16:44

I am politely saying that your problem lies with you. - that's not polite at all is it melon nor was it meant to be - maybe you think the OP should end the relationship and move out, taking her own pesky kids with her, but still provide free chauffeuring to the DSS. "the problem lies with you" - are you the ex?! Hmm

fluffyrobin · 15/06/2018 17:06

I've never read something so ridiculous in my life!!!

What the hell are you doing?? Op get a grip!!!

Why aren't you putting your own dc's needs first????

Why is your irresponsible, selfish, cocklodging partner and his son your first priorities and not your own dc?

It probably boils down to a great sex life since he's broke, chosen to live far away from his son (speaks volumes about how bad that is) so that means YOU are putting your own needs above your dc's in this unsustainable situation.

Get him out of your home and put your dc first for starters.

Then rethink why you have landed in such a stupid situation.

LeighaJ · 15/06/2018 17:07

Yes the ex sounds like a piece of work, but it is your partner's responsibility not hers or yours to fetch his child with her.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 15/06/2018 17:07

Your husband needs a car. I would not be happy to see my child on the back of a motorbike.
Me neither but it’s not the OPs problem is it? She can offer a compromise by continuing to help with some of the lifts if the boy’s mother agrees to rearrange the contact or do some of the lifts. Ultimately the OP can’t make her DP learn to drive a car if he’s so stupid he can’t see that he needs to. And also learning to drive will take 3 months absolute minimum, it’s not a quick resolution.

Original poster
NoPhelange · 15/06/2018 17:20

Wooow. I feel there have been some quite harsh replies tbh, all I was looking for was some advice on how to put down one of the plates I'm juggling but then I read a reply with a reference to our fantastic sex(?!) so I guess it's time to bow out. DP for those bashing him is besides this situation a fantastic one who has done more for me in the time we've been together than my ex did in 13 years. Yes he wants his motorbike licence but he is also willing to get his car one to enable us to share the driving, but it isn't a quick fix. I guess he has just got comfortable and used to me doing it all as I try not to moan about it so as not to make DSS feel awkward. In an ideal world I'd help out, dp would help out, and his ex would help out when and where she can as I do with my ex. But it not an ideal world is it?

Thank you for everyone who has replied so far, it's given me some food for thought and I'll be having a discussion with DP when he is home from work regarding him driving asap/access days switch about etc as that seems to be the most logical resolution here. Thank you all Flowers

OP posts:
Pleasebeafleabite · 15/06/2018 17:26

I agree this is a DP issue

I am a divorced parent with a similar aged DS and having chosen which sports he trains for he has no choice in the days for them as the clubs he attend have fixed training sessions. Its not like a parent choosing an activity for a much younger child that could be done at another time or place. My ex pays for DS to Uber when I am not around to take him to training and he is busy. Because training is important

There is no way in this world I would let my DS go on the back of his DF's motorbike, even if he had been riding for years let alone just passed his test.

If you look online OP you would be surprised at how little it costs to add a new driver to your policy as named driver. I have built up a 9 year no claims as a named driver and never owned a car or my own car insurance policy. You just need to shop around for the right policy.

I could have summed up all of the above by just saying He Needs To Learn To Drive. And not a motorbike

AlfredDaButtler · 15/06/2018 17:33

If you look online OP you would be surprised at how little it costs to add a new driver to your policy as named driver.

^yy I'm learning to drive now at 28 and it's costing us £9 a month to have me as a named learner on DH's Fiesta. He's also taking me out to practice as much as humanly possible (due to kids) to minimise the number of hours of paid tuition I need.

RabbitsAreTasty · 15/06/2018 17:41

You don't have to find the solution.

You should not find the solution.

Tell him the driving is too much for you and you need him to fix it so you don't have to do it so much. He needs to get back in the mentality of it being his problem not your problem.

PretABoire · 15/06/2018 17:43

Why should the ex “help out” when she has her son the majority of the time with no help from your DP?

The motorbike is selfish and just delays him being able to drive and actually be useful to you, your DC and his son. He’s wasting money on himself while you suffer, basically.

Just because he’s better than your ex doesn’t mean this is how a parent should behave

StepBackNow · 15/06/2018 17:57

Say no to the sport. Don't debate about it. Just say it's too much and you aren't doing it.

gracielacey · 15/06/2018 18:04

Say no to the sport. Don't debate about it. Just say it's too much and you aren't doing it

The dc should be told that if he wants to do the sport, he can't come to his father's house that night.

gracielacey · 15/06/2018 18:04

The child shouldn't have to miss out on activities just because his father is a fucking useless deadweight.

LakieLady · 15/06/2018 18:06

Sorry, but a motorbike isn’t “learning to drive”. He needs a mode of transport where he can collect his son

Well, it wouldn't be ideal, but he could collect him by bike once he's passed his test.

My dad used to take me to primary school on the back of his motorbike sometimes, and afaik (and DP, we talked about it not so long ago) there's no minimum age limit for pillion passengers.

But YANBU, OP, and it's really DP's problem to sort out.