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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how to broach this matter with DPs ex?

108 replies

NoPhelange · 15/06/2018 14:39

My partner is divorced. He has access to his son 2 days every week midweek, and every third weekend. His son lives and goes to school 18 miles away, mostly motorway driving which in morning rush hour traffic can take 30+ minutes each way. DP doesn't drive, meaning it's left to me to get his son to and from school on his access days when he comes to stay with us, as his mum point blank refuses to do any of the drop offs or collections. It works out 7 X 18 mile trips on the days we have him, I also collect and drop him on the weekends we have him. We've now just been informed that on one of those access days, his son has signed up to a sport near his primary address which means training is every week from 7-8pm, meaning I'll have to go there and wait for him to finish. Making it 9 X 18 mile trips per week, with an hour of sitting in my car waiting.

I have 2 young children myself, and tbh the whole thing at times is a logistical nightmare. DP has worked his rotas so that he is off work for these access days and stays behind of a morning/afternoon to get mine ready for or collect from school, and I usually take mine to school as soon as I'm back from taking DPs son. The whole thing on a school morning is a mad rush against time.

DP knows I'm not happy with it, the cost of it at times is ridiculous, but as his ex just simply refuses to he feels there's nothing much we can do else he doesn't see his son which is why I do it.

I suppose I just need a reality check? Is this fair or AIBU for resenting this at times? Yesterday was mental traffic wise and as we get into there town I was driving behind his mum who was taking his older sister to college around the corner from their home which just gave me the fucking rage. I don't expect her to drive here of a morning to take him to school but she finishes work by 2pm, so a drop off here and there would be very bloody welcomed. So give it to me MN Jury, do I need to suck this up or would I be justified in trying to come to some sort of alternative arrangement?

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 15/06/2018 15:04

When I got divorced and moved 30 miles away I was driving 500 miles A WEEK to keep to the court order of sharing dc.
When we had our final hearing 4 YEARS later my barrister had it changed.
You need to make new arrangements also.

LannieDuck · 15/06/2018 15:04

What would your DP do if you broke your leg? Just cease contact with his child for 3 months?

He's the one that needs to get this sorted, not you and not her. Are there any public transport options? If not, he needs to prioritise his driving lessons, and perhaps move his budget around a bit in order to afford car insurance.

Metoodear · 15/06/2018 15:05

He new he didn’t drive unless he has just been banned so why on earth has he agreed to midweek

He should of gone for weekends like most dads but I can have a fair crack and why he didn’t

AlbertaSimmons · 15/06/2018 15:08

It's not your problem and it's not the Ex's problem, as others have said. It's your DP's problem. He's never going to solve it while you keep solving it for him. If I were you I'd say that the driving part of the arrangement is stopping at the end of this school year and he needs to have an alternative arrangement in place for September, that doesn't involve you. Fair enough to ask you to be back up emergency cover, but not routine.

Original poster
NoPhelange · 15/06/2018 15:09

The days are what his son chose, his mum asked him to choose and this is what he picked. DP went to work, sorted the rotas to see if he could be off for those days, he could, so agreed.

Bus to this place takes 3.5 hours for some ungodly reason and a taxi would be £25-30 per day.

I understand she has no obligation, I can't force her, just having a bloody grumble and seeing if anyone had any suggestions that I hadn't thought of. Changing the days would be problematic, reducing them would go down like a sack of shit, I'll speak to DP about it later as he's in work now til tomorrow.

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 15/06/2018 15:11

Please remind your dh who is the adult.
He let ds choose and everyone has to dance to that?? How old is ds?

user1486915549 · 15/06/2018 15:13

Tough really if your suggestions go down like a sack of shit.
Does he always expect you to solve his problems for him.
If I read it correctly you are already providing your DP with a home and a car !

ThreeIsACharm · 15/06/2018 15:16

I really don't understand why you are so angry with you partners ex.
Your partner chose to move away from his son.
He chose to have the 18 mile distance.
He chooses to let you run around daft collecting and picking up children.
And what help is him getting a mother bike. He need are car to be able to have contact with his son.
You may share 50/50 drop offs with your ex but I assume it's a lot less of a distance.
You are very angry at the wrong person.
The only one taking advantage is your partner.

19lottie82 · 15/06/2018 15:17

Sorry, but a motorbike isn’t “learning to drive”. He needs a mode of transport where he can collect his son.

What would he do if you split up or couldn’t drive?

As someone else suggested I think you need to alter the access arrangements to every other Monday - Friday...... the current routine isn’t sustainable.

HollowTalk · 15/06/2018 15:18

So if your partner and you split up, presumably he'd move back to be near his children and would be able to manage the pick ups and drop offs?

Does his ex have a gripe against you? She obviously knows you're doing all the lifts. Were you the other woman? Does she resent you?

If not then I would say that they need to come to a different arrangement regarding when he sees his children, because that is cutting into your time with your children. It's crazy that you are paying such a high price (both financially and in terms of time.) I would say that he goes back to court (if she won't discuss it amicably) and gets the times changed.

19lottie82 · 15/06/2018 15:19

PS I agree with threeisacharm..... why are you angry at your DPs ex? It’s him you should be pissed off at, putting you in this position!

HarryLovesDraco · 15/06/2018 15:22

Why should she do school runs during his contact days? Are you suggesting she should drive to you and collect him to take him to school??

Midweek contact obviously doesn't work. He shouldn't have agreed to it knowing it would depend on you driving his son to school.

shiklah · 15/06/2018 15:22

Ahhh it's an evil ex thread.

YABU to be angry with her. This is your DPs child and he should collect him. You should be cross with him not her.

footphobic · 15/06/2018 15:26

Your DP needs to learn to drive a car, the motorbike idea is impractical in your family situation. If you can only afford one car share it ad add him on to your insurance, or it may be a better option to change your insurance to him as the main driver with you as an additional driver. Adding a second more experienced driver will bring his premium down considerably and will let him build up a no claims discount.

If you need to change the car for one more affordable to insure for a new driver, i,e. smaller engine, then do so. Buying a motorbike and insuring it won’t work out any cheaper and doesn’t in any way improve this situation.

He should be very grateful that you have helped facilitate this for so long, it’s obviously been costly for you in terms of fuel and time with your own dcs, but it’s not his ex’s problem to resolve, it’s his, and he needs to step up now.

halfwitpicker · 15/06/2018 15:29

Nowt to do with the ex.

He needs to step up.

And you need to say 'no'.

"DP doesn't drive, meaning it's left to me to get his son to and from school '

^It's not left to you. HIS son is HIS responsibility.

Stop enabling him.

Uptheduffy · 15/06/2018 15:29

I was driven on my dad's motorbike from a younger age than your stepson.

halfwitpicker · 15/06/2018 15:29

What would he do if you split up
^^

Good question.

SmashedMug · 15/06/2018 15:30

Posters like this are always angry at the ex because looking closer to home would mean accepting that their partner is a bit shit! 😂 Much easier to blame someone else.

Bobbybear10 · 15/06/2018 15:30

Your partner is taking you for a mug.

It’s not your responsibility to deal with this.

Your partner needs to step up and sort something.

If taxis are too expensive he needs to learn to drive, a proper car! If the car works out too expensive then it’s taxi’s. He can’t have it every way together needs to decide which works out cheaper and do that.

It’s not fair on your DC that you are spending so much time carting your boyfriends child about. They will resent it when they are older, I know it’s not your fault but you are allowing your partner to be completely unreasonable.

The ex is not the problem!

DragonMummy1418 · 15/06/2018 15:31

He should change days to Friday and Saturday every week then they both get a weekend day and less driving.
It's also his fault not the ex's.

GahWhatever · 15/06/2018 15:31

I think that the additional sports activity is the straw that broke the camel's back.
If your DSS wants to do that sport at that club on that day then the access arrangements need to change to another day. Alternatively is the a club near you that he could attend if he's keen?

Original poster
NoPhelange · 15/06/2018 15:31

Oh trust me I'm not angry at her, I fully agree it's his access days it's his issue to sort out. I'm more angry at myself that I've landed myself in this situation that until he learns to drive (he is willing to get a car licence btw just waiting for finances to even out after an expensive couple of months) I can't resolve. His son is 14 for those asking. Guess I'll just have to suck it up until he can get his licence, pass his test and take my car whilst I walk mine to school. It's a pain in the arse always has been but the sports meaning I won't be around to put my own kids to bed whilst I sit in a car park waiting for an hour once a week is what has made me feel like something has to give.

OP posts:
Paie · 15/06/2018 15:34

Please change this routine. For your kids sake.

My parents thought they had the perfect system sorted- every other night would be spent alternating between their houses- and EOW- it was hell. I spent my childhood living out of bags. I appreciate the thought that goes through the parents heads but honestly I hated being carted here and there for years, but felt unable to say anything as it was what they had decided was right.

Honestlyofficer · 15/06/2018 15:38

The answer doesn't lie with his ex.. it lies with your DP realising that he has to be part of the solution. If train isn't an option then either

  1. DP learns to drive a suitable vehicle commensurate with 3 children in the family
  2. you move closer.

If you weren't around, how would he see his son?

Trinity66 · 15/06/2018 15:39

B) given the not inconsiderable distance, weekday contact doesn't really seem to be working. Could you alter it to one day midweek, but then every other weekend, to reduce the number of school drop offs?

This tbh and get that access court ordered, specifying times so she can't decide he's doing after school activities the day you're collecting him