to use the gents' toilets?

[Hadalifeonce]

On arriving at Gatwick after our holiday, I was desperate for the loo; the queue for the ladies was almost to the baggage reclaim belt, being of a 'certain age' I was busting.
I told DH of my problem, he said he would go into the gents to see if there was a free cubicle, he called me in, I dashed into the 1st cubicle (one of many free) had my wee and dashed out again. I was getting my cleansing gel out of my handbag when a man, who had obviously been in the toilets at the time, made a pointed comment about some women not being prepared to wait their turn and to feeling free to go into the gents.
I turned round and stated that as a middle aged woman with no pelvic floor, I couldn't wait. This seemed to take the wind from his sails.
But was I being unreasonable to use the gents?

No you were not out of order. I have done the same a few times and wouldn't hesitate to do so again.

I am sick and tired of the long queues for womens loos. Just why do women take so long? I go in the cubicle, pull down trousers and knickers, wee, wipe, pull knickers and trousers up, leave cubicle. It takes literally no time at all.

It takes me far longer to wash and dry my hands properly

I go in the cubicle, pull down trousers and knickers, wee, wipe, pull knickers and trousers up, leave cubicle. It takes literally no time at all.

Have you never considered that not everybody is the same?

I think you should have tried to use the ladies first for reasons of men's privacy etc similar to the need to keep female toilets female, except women have the additional safety factor.

BUT, I think that we can sometimes make rare exceptions to some rules/ principles for people having emergenices.

For example if a man came along to womens toilets saying "I am so sorry I have diaorrhea and there is no other toilet, please can I nip in urgently" (ie showing recognition and respect for the circumstances and asking rather then just taking) then if I didn't pick up any dodgy vibes, I would probably do the same as your DH - take a look inside and assess the situation eg no other women and expecially muslim women present etc then say go for it if it seemed OK.

I would also probably hang around to make sure that he left with no delay and to explain to other women going in. I would feel responsible for making sure that nothing untoward happened. If there were lots of women going in and out then its up to all of us to say that it is OK. If I had any doubt then I would say no.

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt that they are having a genuine emergency as a one-off is totally different than having mixed sex toilets or Self-ID as a routine which I do not agree with at all.

It would certainly be a totally different kettle of fish if a man was turning up to use the womens more then once in a blue moon, and the same goes for this situation at Gatwick where they clearly need to build more womens toilets.

And as for why women are taking so long - obviously they could be changing their pads/tampons after or before flying. Men do not have to do this!

My husband has used the ladies when we could not find the mens. I have used the mens when there has been a long queue at ladies and mens is empty. A lot of place now have loos for all. No-one seems to mind going after the opposite sex.

Interestingly, I had 2 discussions about the self id issue last night; 1 with my 18 year old DS, who just couldn't see a problem!!!!!! The second with DH who was absolutely horrified that this is a 'thing'; surely they have to have counselling, hormone treatment & surgery first? When I assured him that is not the case, he was completely mystified as to how this is happening. I firmly believe we must educate men, to understand this. My DH is constantly monitoring news. and has virtually not heard any of the arguments on this subject.

And as for why women are taking so long - obviously they could be changing their pads/tampons after or before flying

That also takes no time at all. I'd be willing to bet that those sat there fiddling with their phones, checking their make up, or just having a sit down vastly outweighs those with complicated clothing, sanitary, bladder or bowel requirements.

I think your husband should have asked the men in there if they minded his wife coming in to use a cubicle as it was an emergency. I wouldn't mind this in a woman's toilet either, and am happy to use unisex toilets, but don't think either gender's privacy should be encroached upon without politely asking first.
I also think in your situation you would have every right to use the disabled toilet.

Sorry but YABU. It’s a private space for males. If a man walked in after you, got out his penis at the urinals and then you walked past, it could have been potentially very embarrassing and uncomfortable for him.
I would have an issue with men feeling entitled enough to use the ladies and it’s no different

There should be two toilet areas - one with all cubicles, one with just urinals. There's no reason free cubicles should be sitting unused when there's people waiting.

As previously stated, the cubicles were not near the urinals, the cubicles were near the entrance.

I was at the Rolling Stones concert at Old Trafford last week and the queue for the women's was stupidly long. I, and many other women, used the men's - I didn't really think twice about it.

And to others saying that I wouldn't want a bloke using the women's - I really wouldn't mind. Funnily enough, I use the cubicle so they wouldn't be able to see anything I was doing anyway. Except washing my hands when I came out I suppose.

As previously stated, the cubicles were not near the urinals, the cubicles were near the entrance.

I doesnt matter. Would you not go in if they were?

That also takes no time at all

You clearly don’t have any menstrual conditions!

I use the gents if there's a queue for the ladies.
I try not to though just because they stink!

I still think what you did was not unreasonable.

Of course men deserve privacy and their safe space. I'd like to think that if DH went in first, he could have asked other men, and if he had noticed a young lad might get uncomfortable, he wouldn't have allowed OP into the gents'.

I am still against a blanket policy that allows women to just use the gents' whenever they want to. Or men to use the ladies'.

But I think this case is different. Because the woman was (in effect) "vouched for" by her DH, who scoped out the situation first. I think there's a difference between using the only free space available (which in this story happened to be for the opposite sex) as a one-off, due to circumstances and medical need. Especially if there is someone else that functions almost as their chaperone.

I do feel this is different to imposing a rule that says everyone can use whatever facilities they want depending on their preferences.

Whether any idividual would mind is irrelevant. There are males and females who rightly feel uncomfy with the presence of the other in their toilets and that should be respected - it is increasingly being eroded and by just accepting it’s fine when it suits isn’t going to do anything to help protect “safe spaces”

Equality, its ok for women to use the men's toilet, then its ok for men to use the woman's toilet. So ALL toilets will be unisex.

The real issue here is that men's loos don't need to be as bigs as the women's loos. Architects need to be notified of this very obvious piece of information so that they can design public loos more practically.

@barbaraofseville changijng a tampon takes about twice as long as taking a quick wee at a urinal. When you have large volumes of people this adds up. Also why would women be doing make up in cubicles and why can't men also be messing around in their phones?

I'd be willing to bet that those sat there fiddling with their phones, checking their make up, or just having a sit down vastly outweighs those with complicated clothing, sanitary, bladder or bowel requirements.

Yes, a toilet cubicle is such a lovely place for a sit down I find.

Some people faff and are seemingly oblivious to other people waiting.

They can't all have menstrual or other medical issues as a reason for them taking about 5 times longer than people who just go in quickly and get on with it.

And we haven't even covered the hoverers and nest builders yet either.

Nah you shouldn't have. In real life I'd say yeah use whatever loo is available so you don't piss yourself but on mumsnet the importance of bathroom segregation is life and death for some reason.

*Some people faff and are seemingly oblivious to other people waiting.

They can't all have menstrual or other medical issues as a reason for them taking about 5 times longer than people who just go in quickly and get on with it.*

Sure there are people like that. Everywhere you go. But judging by many of the threads on MN, I would suggest that men are not immune from faffing so I don;t know why it should be only women that faff in loos.

Is the answer is to stop cleaning the ladies so they smell as foul as the mens? not envy