Horrible dilemma- please help.

[beclev24]

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

What would you do if you were the 1% that the gender was incorrect and it is in fact a boy

If it was me, I'd be inclined to imagine my life 10 years from now in either scenario (I.e. 10 years from now without a daughter I know I almost had vs with a daughter but a damaged career etc), and see what my visceral reaction is to each. Relief, devastation, exhaustion, joy, emptiness...?

I think for me that would probably tell me what I needed to know.

I realise that's not very practical, but practical stuff can be adapted and moulded. What we can live with within ourselves, and what brings joy, purpose, and meaning into our lives is different.

I fear if you have a termination you will regret it for the rest of your life.

I love spending time with my daughter - we have similar interests and enjoy doing girly things. My sons great - but our common interests are limited.

Congratulations - you can do this!

If I were you I would think the love and pleasure I got from my new increased family would far outweigh the busy-ness/tiredness/expense. And no guilt or what-ifs.

I think you actually don't actually KNOW that you would have terminated if it was another boy; you were never faced with that situation.

Sounds like your daughter is already pretty determined - like mine - she was a surprise, but I wouldn't be without her.

You have longed for a girl. I cannot imagine you will not regret it. I would definitely go ahead with it after what you have said. I have three boys and longed for a girl. I know exactly what you mean. I was lucky
enough to go on to have two girls. I was thrilled. I do appreciate how difficult it is for you but I just cannot see, after what you have said, you not looking back and thinking what if? It will be hard, but you will make room in your heart and life for this baby girl.

Against all the odds, this baby girl has come into your lives. Reading your post again, I cannot see how you would cope with having a termination, I have campaigned for improved abortion rights.

I don’t say this lightly, as I once had to make a similar decision myself. It would have been my (once) longed for third child, but I had just started my dream job. Finally we were financially secure. My DH would have been over 50. BUT My eldest child has an abnormality that at some point, due to all the new stem cell research, may have been helped from the cord blood of the new baby, no guarantee about that. There again the baby could have had the same condition (no test available).
In the end I didn’t have to make a decision as nature decided for me.

I still think about that ‘baby’ .

Can you get any help around the house? I don’t know how old your children are, but they will be best-part of a year older by the time the new baby is born. Will one be at or nearly at school and another at play group?

No one can actually tell you what to do, but I am sure that no one will judge you what ever your decision.

I think this pregnancy is a gift. I think do what LB2203 says and try and imagine how you feel in both scenarios ten years from now.

I'm not denying it and I kind of hate myself for it, but I knwo for a fact htat I would definitely not go ahead with the pregnancy if it was another boy

I was actually sympathetic and not judging until I read this statement how appalling! And I'm actually wondering what happens if you continue and this baby is born what if this girl doesn't turn out how you have dreamed? that's a lot of pressure on a child and very damaging when they know they don't live up to a parent's expectations. Regarding terminating sounds like you have your answer to me and will regret it but really you should see a counsellor and work on why you feel that having a baby girl is more valuable than having another boy the fact that its healthy without any issues is surely the most important thing not the gender!

I would keep the baby and find a local teenager who could come round after school and help out holding the baby / playing with the kids / help make supper etc. As they get older it gets much easier. You'll probably only need extra help for a bit.

Good luck OP.

What peanutbuttercups and ladydeadpool said.

Good luck.

You want a little girl, you're pregnant with a girl.
And now you want to maybe terminate her life?

When a new baby comes into the family finances, the amount of attention other family members get and often careers all take a hit. Whether this was your 1st pregnancy or your 7th this would be the case. So while I think you need to work out some practical solutions and ways to make things easier, I don't really think it's that alarming. I'm not trying to be rude, just trying to give you some perspective that almost everyone is in the same boat with that one.

Agree with previous posters that everyone seems to say 3-4 kids isn't too big an adjustment.

Babies are hard work, but for such a small amount of time.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and find out what specifically he is concerned about, and try to problem solve it. Is it finances? Sleepless nights? A bigger car? Are the two of you not getting enough 1 on 1 time as it is?

I couldn't terminate my daughters life, or my son's. By the sounds of your OP all your dreams have come true. Don't people always say that there's no good time to have a baby? But we do, and we adapt.

I'm sitting here looking at my now 9 year old, who was an unplanned teenage pregnancy. Everything changed and the first few years weren't easy but i'd do it all again in a heartbeat. Even if all he talks about is Fortnite

My daughter came along unexpectedly after having 2 boys. It wasn’t the best timing in our lives and a total surprise. However, I too had also always dreamt of having a daughter since I was young. I have honestly loved every minute of indulging in the ‘girliness’ since she was born 4 years ago. I have of course loved having all my babies equally, but my daughter has definitely completed the family and I truly feel she was meant to be here.
Follow your heart OP.

Look at practical ways you can get help. If you are struggling you won't enjoy the baby days because you will be exhausted and frazzled.
Someone else mentioned a local teenager, post on local Facebook group - there may be a local support network you can tap into or build up. Are you a member of a church? Do you have friends / family locally? Are there any childcare training centres nearby who may have students looking for experience?
Get practical and good luck.

I am inclined to think that once you are through the fog of the difficult early years, if you did terminate you would look back and think what a terrible mistake you made. Yes its hard when they're young, but it's a few short years compared to a lifetime of longing for a daughter. If you look at the bigger picture and towards the future, what does your gut tell you?

No one can tell you what to do it's personal, we all do and want different things, only you can decide.

First off, congratulations on your pregnancy.
Secondly, life is never static.
You’re exhausted now but you’re boys won’t be this rambunctious forever. Newborns aren’t new forever. They won’t sleep to begin with but will settle down as they get older etc.
A newborn girl may change your 3 boys behaviour quite significantly. They might be more helpful with her as they get a bit older.

Have you looked at the options to reduce tiredness/stress?
Can you afford mother’s help/nanny/child minder/cleaner?
Don’t know old your boys are but If your boys do clubs, could you reduce their activities a bit and just let them chill out at home more....making their own entertainment?

At weekends, take turns with DH having a lie in so one person isn’t always doing the kids brekkie etc.

Having a newborn is hard but things fall into place; you can make it work.

Regarding terminating sounds like you have your answer to me and will regret it but really you should see a counsellor and work on why you feel that having a baby girl is more valuable than having another boy the fact that its healthy without any issues is surely the most important thing not the gender!

I think this is what I think too - it really doesn't sound like a termination is a realistic option for you as I can't see how you wouldn't massively regret it, but I also think that before this baby is born you should have some counselling to figure out exactly what a daughter means to you. The more you unpack this the less likely it is that you'll project on her in damaging ways. Again, I wouldn't be saying this if you wanted a fourth child and a girl was just a bonus - but that you'd terminate a son but keep a daughter suggests this runs really deep, and I think it would be quite selfish to have this baby without trying to tackle that. Don't turn your psychological issues into hers.

This really doesn't seem like much of a dilemma. You want a daughter, your post makes that clear. You're now pregnant with a daughter, and also presumably your last child.

Unless your marriage is coming to an end, or you are flat broke, or there is some other extreme circumstance, I think you will bitterly regret aborting.

I can't help but think that all the really well meant posts on how OP can deal practically with four children miss the point a bit. She'd have also had all those options if this baby was a boy, and she's clear that that wouldn't have been good enough - she'd have terminated. This isn't really about what is objectively possible.

I found myself pregnant at 42 and facing a similar decision, my marriage broke down, I went ahead with the pregnancy, so I was a single parent to 3 under 4, for a few years it was hard work with no support, but at no point did I regret my decision. I know I could not have a termination in your situation, it will be hard with 4 young children, but that does not last forever.

I wish you luck whatever you decide

Thanks everyone for your replies.

To the people who have said that I might have unrealistic expectations of what having a daughter would be like compared to a son or that I will be placing unfair expectations on her to be a certain way. I'm trying to be as honest as I can about my feelings here. I think we all have feelings at times that we are not particularly proud of or feel uncomfortable with and its good to try and interrogate them. I know that I don't expect her (or any of my kids) to share my interests exactly (and I'm not particularly girly at all). That isn't quite it.

Kids aren't raised in a vacuum. However much I believe (and I do) that any child should follow whatever reasonable interest they have- society pushes them in all kinds of directions. I'm a bit at sea navigating the social expectations on my boys and how they respond to those expectations. I feel as though I would understand the expectations etc of a daugher and whether or not she confounds them (which actually I would love and admire) I understand the parameters better. Also trying to share stereotypically girly interests with my boys has been fun, but also complicated as I don't want to disadvantage them socially. It's hard to say exactly why I want a girl so much- it's quite abstract and not tied up in any one particular outcome.

As for terminating another boy but perhaps not a girl. yes- I'm not proud of that. But I do firmly believe in a woman's right to choose whether to continue with a pregnancy, for any reason or none.

Have you girl! It will be tough but it will be worth it.

Where did you have your panorama test? I’m newly pregnant and thinking of having one.

Well I had 3 girls and they are all grown up now - one of them is now a boy so well you never know!
I have to say though I never craved a boy, in fact I felt worried about having a boy as I didn't know them so to speak having had a girl first.

Have pm d you OP.