Horrible dilemma- please help.

[beclev24]

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

[MarshaBradyo]

Have your daughter. I have a girl after two boys. It’s quite abstract and can feel deep and still the love is there for all

I think you will deeply regret not having her

[Mammyloveswine]

I have a two boys... I long for a girl! It may or may not happen but if I was in your position I couldn't terminate. It seems almost fate to me!

But you need to do what is right for you AND your family.

[Fartootiredtobeawake]

After 5 miscarriages, I had a beautiful girl at 43! We actually wanted a large family and expected to have a boy as they run in the family. We couldn’t be happier, she has been the easiest child I know (I work with children, so know a lot of them!).
This girl seems longed for but you need to do what is right for you and your family. I grew up in a family of 4 and we are all close despite a vast age range. My parents had me late, Mum 38 and Dad 43, sadly now passed away, however we were all very close. My eldest brother is 15 years older then me, and we see each other regularly.

[GlitteryFluff]

You've fallen pregnant with a longes for girl.
Don't terminate. You'll forever regret it.
It will be harder in the short term but long term will be lovely.
It's not like your children are all grown up and this would be taking you back to the baby stage, you're right in the thick of it now, small age gap.
Maybe ask your dh to look into getting the snip (whatever you decide) if he really doesn't want anymore children.
Is he totally against having this baby? Or just voicing his concerns?

[Ickyockycocky]

I would continue with the pregnancy. 💐

[another20]

I had 3 under 3 - it was hectic - and then I had a 4th - really 4th was a breeze - the others were by that time 4, 5, 6 .... so a gap but once they each reach 3years old they are sorted from a basic physical logistics point of view - so can get in and out if the car, walk without falling, potty trained, feed and dress themselves etc. Also they kept the baby entertained - she wa enthralled by them and they were fascinated by her. I love having both genders and feel blessed. You both need to talk it through but remember that you might regret this much much more than your DH. Also one of my friends had a trainee nanny for free doing work experience from local college for that extra pair of hands. Good luck whatever you decide. My only regret it that I had the 4 year gap between the last 2.

[AnnabelC]

I feel for you. I had 3 girls and one boy. It’s hard work. I didn’t get much time for myself for years and you will be 10 years older than I was but I have also had a miscarriage and have never forgotten it. It will be so hard not to regret. Don’t beat yourself up over wanting a girl. What’s wrong with that. I have 6 grandchildren also and girls and boys are different. My son and DIL are bringing their boys up gender neutral and they are still very much boys. I am the one who always contacts my son but the girls communicate with me all the time. It’s happens like this to very many Mums.

[Rudgie47]

Keep your baby, by the time shes here your boys will be able to help with her.
In the olden days people had massive families and coped o,k and that was without appliances as well. You'll all be o.k its just the shock at the moment.

[SoftSheen]

Keep your baby, it seems obvious that you very much want to. You will find a way

[daffodillament]

I love the word Rambunctious! missed the point, sorry

[AynRandTheObjectivist]

It's obviously a very personal decision. In this case, going solely on how you're coming across, I think you'd regret a termination.

[elfonshelf]

If you haven't found it, the ingender forums might be helpful for you - lots of people dealing with the uncomfortable feelings around their disappointment when they have 4 boys and desperately want a girl etc.

I have a number of friends who are sad that they only have children of one sex and would like a mix. They're not generally fixated on football or frilly dresses either.

True that your daughter may not end up being what you imagine - my girly girl sister who longed for a daughter who wanted ballet classes and sparkly hair accessories has ended up with the DD whose only real interest is insects.

Instead of the fossil hunting, chess playing, book reading DD that I expected and would identify with, I spend my life at dance classes and am bankrupted by the gazillions of JoJo bows my darling daughter 'needs'.

I'm fairly certain that 90% is nature and not nurture, so you get what you are given.

Reading your post, I don't think you want to terminate this pregnancy. As one of 4, I don't think it made a huge difference except in terms of car seats!

Good luck!

[Bluntness100]

I can't advise, but i can say that I fully understand why with three sons already you would not wish another given context provided but would basically make an exception for the much longed for daughter. I don't think folks should moralise on that.

As for what you do, I don't know. I also agree with you that you could have moments of regret either way, I suspect you will have your daughter though, and you will all adjust.

[PieAndPumpkins]

How high risk would this pregnancy be for you, medically? What has your doctor advised, medically?

If, medically, your pregnant can be managed without risking your life, then I honestly think you will never get over this baby if you terminated. You will always have that little girl in the back of your head.

They're only little for a short while. Your boys will grow and be less demanding in time. I'm not being critical when I say this, but you could try altering your parenting approach if you feel your boys are too 'VERY VERY full on and rambunctious' that they're wearing you down. I don't believe boys always and immediately have to be = VERY VERY full on. I'm just trying to say i'd try alternative approaches with my family before terminating an other wise much wanted baby (after so much infertility too).

[iamawoman]

I think it sounds like you know you would regret it more to not have a daughter. The early years will be tough but once they get to 3ish girls seem to be much easier than boys i have found anyway . I had a daughter at 45 and am really enjoying it

[Thesearepearls]

I'm not sure how I can help. Good luck to you OP

[beclev24]

re. medical risk- I had pre-eclampsia in my last pregnancy. I had great care, was carefully monitored and ended up delivering DS3 by c-section at 36 weeks 4 days. All was fine. I haven't yet talked to my doctor about this pregnancy but have an appointment next week so will know more then about what the risks would be for this one.

Tbh I"m more worried about the risks to my marriage/ other kids/ mental health etc etc

To the pp who suggested different parenting approaches with my 2 older boys. Yes- you are right. that has been part of why this has been so exhausting. We are trying a new approach to discipline which has been working but needs complete consistency/ full attention which has been exhausting in itself. WE are seeing results, but the process is tiring

[Birdsgottafly]

"Tbh I"m more worried about the risks to my marriage/ other kids/ mental health etc etc"

That would also apply to having a termination.

I don't think that you would recover from a termination. I think that there is a possibility that you could come to think of it not as a termination, but getting rid of your baby girl.

That's been my experience with my Friends etc. I'm 50 and I know a lot of Women with regrets around terminations done because of the reasons that you state.

[seasidelife]

Probably not helpful at all but... My DH decided that he adamantly couldn't handle any more kids after the two dd's we have and had the snip. I asked him what he would do in your situation and he said he'd go through with it and have the baby.

[GabsAlot]

i think it weird of u to say you would terminate if she was a boy-we're not in china

she might end up being a tomboy someone not that girly that doesnt want to play dress up

[Cindie943811A]

Whatever you decide OP I hope it is for the best and wish you all well for the future. This is a real dilemma and I’d be as confused as you were ai in your shoes.

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

I’m not much into fate and all of that but I think that your daughter was meant to be. You’d regret not having this baby.

As for those giving you grief for wanting a child of one gender, ignore. I think that most women want a girl, even if they won’t admit that. I did and I would have been very sad not to have had a daughter and I don’t think my preference is unusual or unhealthy.

[LanguidLobster]

I'm a stranger on the internet but from what you've said I think you should have her