Horrible dilemma- please help.

[beclev24]

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

[BarbarianMum]

I think sometimes there are no good options and you can only go for "least bad".
Regretting a termination is one consideration. But also think very carefully about whether you and your marriage could cope with a 4th child. If "not coping" means house getting untidy and you not feeling completely on top of things for a few years-that's one thing. If it means a breakdown of your marriage, or your health, or your mental health, I think you might regret that more and for longer. It's pretty taboo for parents to say that they regret having another baby but it does happen (however much they love the child).

Best wishes for whatever you decide.

[TyrannosaurusBex]

All I can say as a mother of 3 is that I really wish I'd had 4. DD3 is on her own a lot and although the age gaps aren't that big, it feels like I have a pair and then an odd one out. It would be a lot easier now if she had a sibling close in age.

I wish you well whichever way you go with this difficult decision.

[swimmerlab]

A friend of mine has just had her fourth and the baby has just slotted in. She hasn't found the 3-4 transition difficult.

You will cope. It may not be easy but then it isn't easy for you now!

[CPtart]

Whatever you decide, be prepared that if this fourth child kills off your relationship ( or indeed it comes to an end anyway as hundreds off marriages do), you will more than very highly likely be left with the majority of sole care for all four. Your DH already feels "on the edge". Men tend to walk. Always think worse case scenario.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Do not expect a girl to be any different to a boy, especially with three big brothers as role models. She might resent being encouraged into dresses and playing with dolls, girls etc. Only one of mine had any interest in playing with dolls (other than torturing them) and that was my ds. Yes some girls adopt gender stereotypes, others don't and you might need to help her navigate a more gender neutral path. It is a pressure to put on a child so don't do it with expectations of how your relationship might pan out. What would your reaction be if it had been a boy? Would you still have the same dilemma? Having said that if you think you will regret the decision then it is your body, you will find the reserves from somewhere and send dh for the snip

[Excited0803]

It sounds to me like you want this little girl very much. Can you talk to family and friends to get some extra help for late pregnancy and the early months with her?

[bridgetreilly]

I think you would regret it very much if you terminated this daughter. As others have said, going from 3 to 4 children is an easier step than 1 to 2, or even 2 to 3. Those boys will get older and a bit easier to manage before too long.

[melonscoffer]

Your dream has come true.
The timing is a little off, but is your dream to have a girl.
Be careful what you wish for.
Seriously though, because you are run off your feet at the moment it is entirely possible that you are not thinking straight.
Have a daughter in your family.
I thought that this was a thread about never realising your much yearned for female child.Then I read that you have the yearned for daughter and not sure now that you want her?
You have your perfect family at your fingertips, hard work, yes.
Most families are.

[Thespringsthething]

I don't think this is a dilemma, because I don't think realistically you could face a termination. The question is more, how can you cope? Is there any way you could get an au pair, even live out? An extra pair of hands? Financially how will you manage? I think at the moment, unless you have a nanny (and a nanny might balk at so many under 2's at once), careers aren't the main event for you right now. In time this will change though.

[FaFoutis]

From what you have said here you should keep the baby. Think long term, it all gets easier quite quickly.

[Montsti]

I had baby no.4 recently at 42...I’ve found it easier going from 3-4 than 1-2 or 2-3....
It’s not easy but it’s getting easier the older the baby gets. How old are your boys?

In your situation, I wouldn’t be able to terminate. I think you’ll regret it more than having no.4, your longed for daughter.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Tartsamazeballs]

I couldn't terminate the pregnancy, I just couldn't.

It's right for some people but it doesn't seem like it's the right decision for you.

Don't have an abortion for anyone else except yourself, it's your decision x

[beclev24]

thank you so much for all these lovely responses so far... still agonising but lovely resding them

[Peanutbuttercups21]

This daughter is almost a fantasy, a lot of expectation is already on her shoulders (to be a typical girl, to be girly, to be like you).

It can be risky to see your fantasy come true

What if she is not the sort of girl you are dreaming of? What if she can't or won't be the sort of girl you want her to be?

What has made you decide to abort if it is a boy, and why are these reasons not valid if it is a girl?

Go and have the baby (I'd always say that ) but try and be honest to yourself and answer yourself those questions

[RideOn]

I'd try and work out what childcare help I am going to need and where I could get support and help from. I'd be looking at finances to see if possible to afford a nanny/aupair after this pregnancy.
I'd look into career and whether any steps I need to take now to keep it going/registered or training etc needed (depends what you do!) and think of other options that would be possible when the time comes for you to go back to working.
I'd be making sure I got a good diet plus pregnacare as breastfeeding and pregnancy can deplete you! To try to combat the exhaustion.
I'd tighten up spending now (because I have 4 and between maternity leaves I worked and saved) as you won't get a chance to do that this time.

[jarhead123]

I think it's wonderful news and definitely something you should go through with.

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

OP one thing that strikes me is the expectations you're putting on your unborn daughter in terms of how you'll be able to relate to her, share things with her, be able to relate to her and her interests more.

However much she's longed for, please let her be whoever she wants to be. And if that means she's more into your sons' interests than they are, whether they bore you senseless or not, accept her for who she is. Don't try to turn her into your idea of a girl, or be disappointed if she's not.

[Dreamscomingtrue]

I have three boys that I love dearly. Now thirty years later I wish that I’d had four children. One son lives abroad and there’s a possibility the other two possibly could too due to work circumstances. I really wish that I’d had a fourth child and a daughter would have been the icing in the cake. It would have probably made life a bit harder in the short term. I think that you’ll regret a termination. If you fell pregnant breastfeeding and using contraception, maybe this baby is meant to be. I guess you would be having tests though, as there is a higher possibility of handicaps at an older age. That would probably be more of the question for me, as that might entail a lot more work and expense. Extra care, maybe a bigger car, house etc. Also the strain it could put on the rest of the family, children and parents.

[ichifanny]

I’m pregnant with number 4 and was counselled on seeking a termination of the pregnancy as it would put such a strain on the family we decided to go ahead and now I’m 26 weeks The feelings of panic have subsided now the initial shock has worn off . You sound like you really want this baby and will regret not continuing the pregnancy .

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Well OP. I think you are blessed, I really do, but if you don't feel that you can go ahead, with your pregnancy. that's fine.
You've always wanted a little girl, here she is, don't terminate her life, for anyone else but you.

[welshmist]

Finding myself pregnant at 44 after two DS and long gap was a shock, thought I would terminate if there was a severe abnormality because of the stress on the family the tests came back fine, so I carried on. I would not have regretted a termination on my terms, but could not have terminated a healthy baby.

We are all different, good luck to you OP

[LadyDeadpool]

I am uncomfortable with the idea that you would abort a boy but keep a girl, the same I would if it was the other way around and you would only keep a male fetus because it was more worthy than a female but it's not my choice to make and not my place to judge.

You need to make the choice based not only on what you want but what is best for your existing children if you're basing it on this fantasy of this child being a perfect girl then you need to look deeper into it because that's a lot of pressure on a small child and possibly a lot of resentment if she isn't that.

If you want the baby because you know you would love her no matter and it would have no negative effect on your existing children and not keeping the baby would have a negative effect on your own mental health and wellbeing then your age or others judgement doesn't count for anything. I think you need some time to think and work things out without pressures from anywhere or anyone else.

[ReservoirDogs]

Good luck whatever you decide. I am mum to 2 boys plus a SM to a stepson.

DH had a vasectomy after I decided I would like a girl but didn't want another baby enough to have a 4th boy - you will know what I mean by that OP. In your situation I suspect I wouldn't be able to give uo my daughter.

[ichifanny]

Oh and I have a boy and girls and I’m glad I got to parent both my firstborn was a boy and it was wonderful but the girls I can honestly say I learned about myself as a woman parenting them and enjoyed it so much .

[wrongway]

Oh gosh, i was not expecting the last part of your post! How amazing that you are pregnant with your longed for daughter! I dont think you could terminate. It will be hard for the first couple of years but the older boys will very soon be so much less of a handful, and probably locking themselves in their rooms! Look at what help you can afford and start giving the boys more responsibilities..... getting their cereal themselves or wipibg their own bum.... once you put your mind to this the progress can be surprising. Good luck