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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horrible dilemma- please help.

428 replies

beclev24 · 13/06/2018 18:46

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

OP posts:
clippityclop · 13/06/2018 21:19

Congratulations. Seems like a 'meant to be' to me. Concentrate on keeping fit and healthy and setting routines in place for the boys with them teaming up with DH.

SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers · 13/06/2018 21:20

being a parent to young children is hard, as i said earlier I had 3 under 4 as a single parent, and it may be that for a few years you might regret having the extra child, the extra burden on you, having to share yourself four ways, having no time as a couple, but that will be for a few years only, children grow up quickly, they get a lot easier in so many ways, they make the hard years worthwhile. I get the feeling you would always regret having a termination

likelyLilac · 13/06/2018 21:20

If I were you I would terminate and look into adoption at a later date when i'm more secure and comfortable and when my already born children aren't so young and running me raggid.
Raising my son was so similar to raisning my daughter to me, and i don't think I could go a head with a pregnancy if I thought that if the gender test was wrong I would be less happy to have my child.
But i'm me and you're you, you have to decide, we don't see the inner workings of your life.
I don't believe in meant to bes, there are many ways of having a child, if your worry about terminating is from fear of not having another go.

gingerlou84 · 13/06/2018 21:23

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elephantscanring · 13/06/2018 21:24

Op, just be careful that you don’t have too high expectations of your dd - what if she’s a tomboy and into typically male hobbies and toys? She may be, with three brothers...

Make sure you cherish and appreciate her for who she is.

DrawingLife · 13/06/2018 21:25

It's a decision between heart and head, isn't it? Reading it I agree w PP, it sounds like in your heart you do want this baby. I'd definitely try to think and talk with your DH about how it could work.
You're so honest, self aware and clear sighted, I'm sure you will come to the right decision.
All the best!

RedHelenB · 13/06/2018 21:30

If you would terminate if it was a boy then to me a termination is what you think is the right choice for your family.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/06/2018 21:30

I feel for you. Only you can decide. One thing tho, if you've already got 3... how much extra strain would a 4th add? I think you are already in family mode anyway. Your whole life is currently geared to 3, another one is not going to make that much more difference.

Would it really end your carreer? any more than 3 would? I think you might well have to adapt your career or wait until they are at school even with 3.

If you had sat down before children and added up all they would cost and the sacrifices you would need to make, before you had them, I think lots of people would give up there and then... but we adapt, cope and change and its worth it. I had 3rd baby when older DCs at school and I was back at work. I wanted it to be twins so they;d have a play partner and it has been hard at times, but life can be hard anyway and its been a source of joy in difficult times.
We live in a society where you have a choice, its a difficult one that only you can make, but I wish you all the best and happy times with your family.

Chardonnay73 · 13/06/2018 21:34

OP I could have written your post. I would continue the pregnancy. Yes it will be hard to begin with but children grow up and get easier. It’s not like you have 3 older boys and then a 10 year gap between them, at 45 you are beginning to regain your independence as they become more self sufficient. But you have a 6 month old, you’re stuck in the baby zone for several more years anyway....

WordWeasel · 13/06/2018 21:34

You mention the strain on your marriage that an additional child might bring, but have you thought about the strain on your marriage that NOT going ahead might cause? Obviously I don't know you, but some people in this situation might feel resentment towards their partner if they had had a termination largely because of that partner's wishes.

You're facing a huge dilemma, but do remember that there is never really a right time to have a baby. Most of us are just muddling through, despite the fact that we're too old/young, rich/poor, etc. Can you give this child love and care and attention if you proceed with the pregnancy? That's what matters.

Miladamermalada · 13/06/2018 21:35

Keep her.

Mytrainwaslate · 13/06/2018 21:38

"If I were you I would terminate and look into adoption at a later date when i'm more secure and comfortable and when my already born children aren't so young and running me raggid." likelyLilac Hmm tell me everything you know about adoption. It obviously won't take you long.

I get what you're saying about society making raising a girl different, but that's in general, not your specific girl. You may end up with a girl who hates you, all things stereotypically feminine, and is a clone of her brothers. I cannot believe anyone would decide whether to let an embryo live based on what it's genitals are likely to be, that's bizarre to me. Many doctors don't advocate telling patients the sex of the baby due to the ethics of sex selection, and some areas won't tell you, as otherwise people terminate healthy babies based on their genitals. Sex selection for anything other than disease prevention (x linked) isn't generally accepted as ethical. I think you probably do need to discuss this decision with a counsellor if you really would have terminated a boy, if you really are only continuing because the child has ovaries.

LapdanceShoeshine · 13/06/2018 21:40

my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc

this is the only thing that I think might make me think twice. How risky? I mean if it literally came down to your life vs baby's then I honestly think I would terminate, but otherwise - no.

Good luck Flowers

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 13/06/2018 21:40

I'm massively uncomfortable with the fact you're only facing this dilemma as you're expecting a girl, presumably you'd just terminate a boy-sorry but that just doesn't sit right.
If you do keep the baby please don't try & force her into some silly fantasy of what you think a girl should be-it might be worth bearing in mind that with 3 brothers she may well be quite a handful...

happysnappysandwich · 13/06/2018 21:44

Please have your much longed for daughter.

I don't know you, but from the sound of your post you will regret not having her. All the other stuff is extremely valid, but it will honestly work itself out.

You've been given a gift.

nakedscientist · 13/06/2018 21:49

Keep your lovely little daughter.

I have five ( and a career) it can be done.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 13/06/2018 21:51

'I'm massively uncomfortable with the fact you're only facing this dilemma as you're expecting a girl, presumably you'd just terminate a boy-sorry but that just doesn't sit right'

This - blunter than I would have put it, but it does sound rather like that. And tbh I am uncomfortable with your whole OP.

Have the baby - but get some very good therapy during your pregnancy to sort out this business of longing for a girl and work out what's going on for you. I don't see this ending well at all for your boys, especially your little one (who will still be extremely little when this baby comes along), what with this baby being both the miracle conception and the longed-for daughter. If, being entirely honest with yourself, you don't feel you will be able or willing to properly work through this issue (which will be uncomfortable) while you are pregnant, then actually (and I don't say this lightly, at all) it may in fact be better to terminate.

There's no good way forward from this without some very hard work on yourself, your assumptions, your bias.

Slimtimeagain · 13/06/2018 21:51

nofuckin don't contradict yourself. You say about not making her in to a fantasy and then say she might be a handful due to 3 brothers. She could be a handful if she had 3 sisters. Or no siblings at all.

Op. I would have the child 100%. You will regret this for the rest of your life. Your feelings are normal and I wish you all the best. In 10 years time what will your life be like?

Miladamermalada · 13/06/2018 21:52

I have 4, you never catch up with 4, you are always behind. You have what you always wanted. Looking back you won't regret your career being affected, but you would regret forever giving up your girl.
I also feel uncomfortable that you'd terminate just as it's a boy BUT I know someone else who did that.
I know women who have only had a 3rd after 2 boys to get a girl, and got another boy. They love them, but were very disappointed. It is a thing to really want a girl, you aren't awful. Only thing is you have that now.
You will manage. After years of infertility it has to be for a reason x

starsorwater · 13/06/2018 21:52

My friend had 3 boys, then boy + girl twins ( a shock!) she never thought she'd cope, but she did. They are a lovely family and her darling daughter is her best friend.

MargaretCavendish · 13/06/2018 21:53

I'm massively uncomfortable with the fact you're only facing this dilemma as you're expecting a girl, presumably you'd just terminate a boy-sorry but that just doesn't sit right.

I feel massively uncomfortable with it too (and I can't help but feel that the outrage would be stronger on Mumsnet if someone said they were intending to terminate a female foetus but not a male one) BUT I don't think it's about how comfortable we feel; it's the OP who has to live with the decision, and I do think it's clear that she'd find it easier to live with keeping this baby, even if I hate her reasoning for it.

Miladamermalada · 13/06/2018 21:57

But I don't think OP will turn her attentions to the girl and ignore the youngest. More likely she will love them all more, because she has a girl which has made her fulfilled as a mother. She will be happier, which is a good thing.
(Not focusing on terminating a boy deliberately, but I do understand it)

melonscoffer · 13/06/2018 21:57

I think that most women want a girl, even if they won’t admit that.

Why wouldn't they admit it? If they want a girl it's not a secret is it?

You'd perhaps be one of the people who commented on the birth of my third son with "better luck next time" and "oh well you'll have to keep on trying for a girl"
I prefer boys. I wasn't offered the option of finding out the sex before any of their births.
I wouldn't want to know anyway.

melonscoffer · 13/06/2018 21:57

I think that most women want a girl, even if they won’t admit that.

Why wouldn't they admit it? If they want a girl it's not a secret is it?

You'd perhaps be one of the people who commented on the birth of my third son with "better luck next time" and "oh well you'll have to keep on trying for a girl"
I prefer boys. I wasn't offered the option of finding out the sex before any of their births.
I wouldn't want to know anyway.

melonscoffer · 13/06/2018 21:57

I think that most women want a girl, even if they won’t admit that.

Why wouldn't they admit it? If they want a girl it's not a secret is it?

You'd perhaps be one of the people who commented on the birth of my third son with "better luck next time" and "oh well you'll have to keep on trying for a girl"
I prefer boys. I wasn't offered the option of finding out the sex before any of their births.
I wouldn't want to know anyway.

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