Horrible dilemma- please help.

[beclev24]

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

I'm not denying it and I kind of hate myself for it, but I knwo for a fact htat I would definitely not go ahead with the pregnancy if it was another boy (this is no reflection on my amazing existing boys btw)

I do think this is a really significant statement, and it might have changed people's answers if this was in the OP. If you were thinking you might want a fourth baby all round, and a girl felt like an 'icing on the cake' then it would be different, but that it matters to you so much that you are only considering keeping this baby because it's a girl does give me pause. That's so much to put on an unborn child.

I’d go for it. You’ll only keep longing for a girl. I think you’ll regret having a termination much more than keeping it and I think from your post that you really do want this baby

How ate you finacially? Would you be able to afford another? Could you afford the loss in earnings resulting from the effect on your career? Could you perhaps afford a nanny? I think you have to be realistic about what kind of changes this could mean to your existing children's quality of life.

Look at your options for help :) you might just need a much more creative solution. Au pair or nanny/ earlier return to work/ no return to work/ increased family support. You really wanted a girl and look what you have. I get the completely exhausted thing. We have three under 5 and I am knackered and so is husband..I don’t know how we would cope as things stand in your shoes but we would have options to be more creative to be able to cope during the trickier years. Congratulations xx

Surely 4 can't be that much harder than 3? I always think the transition from 2-3 must be the hardest. Good luck with whatever you decide to do; I hope you and your husband can come to an agreement.

Another thing to consider is how having a sister might benefit your boys. My sons are lovely with their little sister, I think it will be a positive thing for them as they start having relationships with girls.

I think you would regret a termination possibly very much

I do really, really feel for you - I can see that this is a really difficult decision to be in, and such a huge dilemma. I do think that you should think very carefully not just about what you want (and especially about how reasonable what you want is - if you have this baby you will get a daughter, but that doesn't mean you'll get a friend or someone who shares your own experience of womanhood) but also about the impact both on your other children and on a child brought into the world with this weight of expectation.

Gain a girl, lose a husband?

Idealisation of having a daughter?

Good luck!

I am not reading anything in your post that suggests that you have a significant dilemma regarding the possibility of termination. More that you are feeling stressed by a mistimed pregnancy and having to work out how to manage four DC. There are no guarantees that your pregnancy will go smoothly and that everything will end actually as you wish but this is the case in any pregnancy. Try an find a moment to think through how you would fit another baby into your family.
If a termination is right for you then do it for you but if not focus on how you can make it work.

I think a termination would be very difficult for you given what you have said in your OP.

You know, you might be over thinking this. You wanted a girl; now suddenly, unexpectedly, you have been given one. Will it work? Who knows? None of us knows what is round the corner, sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith.

I am very pro womans right to choose but am really bothered that you are only keeping this baby because it's a girl... that is really scary - what are you expecting this child to be? you have no idea what this girl and woman is like..
I think you need to really think what a girl means to you .....

It's totally your decision and no one can help you with it, because none of us have to live with it.

That said, I'm early forties with three kids with small age gaps, less than four years between oldest and youngest. My third is nearly two now and just starting to get independent. If I got pregnant now I would terminate without a second thought. At this point, a fourth would break me, break my marriage and be harmful for my relationship with my older kids.

OP how can anyone really advise anyone on a situation like this, based on a few paragraphs on a screen.

However all I can offer is a gut feeling, and that says have your girl

How high risk could this pregnancy be?

That would be my main consideration.

I wouldn’t risk my health with 3 young kids to care for.

I have been in a very similar situation. An unexpected fourth pregnancy in my 40s after fertility treatment. Do what your heart feels is right regardless of practicalities or what your dh thinks. Yes your life is very full on now but you will cope - I did. It was a very difficult time for me though.

Oh Op, your heart wants this child, but your head is saying it's not a good idea. I think you should follow your heart. It might be hard, but you will manage.

I’ve got all boys and constantly like with an ache in my heart for a girl. I don’t think we cope with the kids we have got and honestly I don’t want any more or to go through hideous pregnancy again but if it was a girl then I would take it as a miracle and find a way. Good luck

I think you would regret the termination with a life full of 'what if' feelings instead of - oh shit here's our fourth and last(!) baby, a much longed for DD but we'll cope!

Very briefly butting in, having read your OP, and literally none of the 40 replies since (sorry!).

3 DC? 4DC? Really, once over 2, The Deed Is Done I readily I admit I was 'Two and Stop!' (which we did), but the only fly in the ointment I can see is your expectations regarding having The Girl.

She and you may not gel in any way. Any projecting you might be doing on that person may collapse into a morass of hatred (sorry!). And, again, IMO, girls appear to be way harder than boys if things go wrong.

I was. My mum and I never got on (dad and I did!). There was no 'girly' stuff at all, to the extent, latterly, I never shared any of my 'personal' medical concerns because I knew she's go a-bonding with her late middle-aged women friends in sharing it! Whose DD's were my friends, who I chose not to share with.

I had my DC in Australia, where we could afford private (much more affordable than here!).

I Had DS1 (at 36). All 'good' (the little screamer!).

1yr 3 mo later, pregnant with DC2. Due at my 38! Had an amniocentesis as 'an older mum'. My Obstetrician (so the person I saw through all the pregnancy) was as old school as you could get. On amnio results day, he happily told me, all was well (in that department). I asked re sex. He said "Now, Mrs Tansie, you must demand I tell you the sex" (I don't have to!). I was non- plussed, so went along and demanded. He turned his family photo towards me (mum, dad, 2 boys) and said 'You, like me, are blessed with 2 boys'.

I now know he expected me to collapse into a mither of tears. No GIRL?? Some of my friends at my baby group, apparently, DID. Feeling robbed of a child of the opposite sex, or, a GIRL.

My reaction was 'Yay. Boys, by and large, more simples'.

Go for the 4th, but please don't lay any expectations on her. You may well yet bond far more with DS2. Or 3. Or 1.

Don't 'keep' no 4 because it's a girl, but do it because it's a fourth child.

Then ride that bus!

I see that you would terminate if it were a boy
There are no chromosomal abnormalities, but if this pregnancy is as risky as previous, or even riskier, as you will be older, you run a higher chance of preemie and associated birth defects (cerebral palsy) or developmental problems due to prematurity. Could you and your marriage deal with that?
And as many others have said, what if she does not live up to the girly girl you dream of? She might not be interested in your experiences of being a woman or want to go shopping with or go for a coffee with you.

Write a list of pros and cons, worries and possible outcomes - there are no definite ones.

a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting.
Adding another baby wont make things any less exhausting (obviously!) but...things change and life moves on. Your three boys (and possible new girl) will grow quickly and these mad baby years pass and life gets easier (in my experience) and you muddle through and they grow up. You'll have a big family and one of those would be your longed for girl.
However, we cant know how fragile your marriage is and whether it can survive. Dont mean that to sound harsh, all I'm saying is that the exhausting baby years pass and the childcare aspect gets easier.

I would normally say that based on your OP you would probably be making a catastrophic error terminating, given how much you long for a girl.

That being said, what do you mean by high risk pregnancy? If you would be putting your long term health/life at risk, then that changes things massively. Don't potentially screw with the lives of your sons in your desire to have a daughter.

I'm not speaking from experience here, but I wonder if your older boys are going to dote on her so much that they actually become a bit easier. I know I always wished I'd had an older brother! There is no doubt that the age gap with your youngest son is going to be hard work. But reading your post, I just can't help feeling that if you terminated a girl, you'd regret it.

It sounds like you really want this baby. On a side note I didn't know you could find out the sex so early