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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horrible dilemma- please help.

428 replies

beclev24 · 13/06/2018 18:46

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

OP posts:
mummyway · 14/06/2018 18:46

Seems like you have been given a gift your heart was yearning for. Wish you best of luck

nononsene · 14/06/2018 18:49

Best of luck with your decision. If it was me I’d have the baby.

cuirderussie · 14/06/2018 19:05

Best of luck OP. I disagree with posters and their dismissive attitude to women who long for daughters. It isn't about pink frills and shopping, it's about a kinship and common experience you will share with her in the world because of your sex. My boys are no less dear to me than my girl, but their lives will be shaped differently as boys and men. I'm glad I have her.

SeriousSimon · 14/06/2018 20:03

she can want to terminate as she doesn't need more of the same-it makes her life harder. But this isn't the same, it's a daughter not another son. So she's also allowed to feel happy at that

So a boy would make her life harder as it's 'more of the same' but this fourth baby won't because it has a vagina. Mmm.

I get having a preference for sex completely...I definitely did with both dc2 and 3. It's normal.

Finding out the sex and choosing to abort if you're having the 'wrong' one is abhorrent.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 14/06/2018 20:05

"More of the same?"

All of you with older siblings of the same gender as you - there you have it. You're just more of the same.

Original poster
beclev24 · 14/06/2018 20:14

So a boy would make her life harder as it's 'more of the same' but this fourth baby won't because it has a vagina. Mmm.

No of course a daughter will also make my life harder. Hence the dilemma...

OP posts:
NotAnotherHeffalump · 14/06/2018 20:21

I have 2 younger sisters (as well as a younger brother) and I can tell you that my sisters are certainly not "more of the same" of me. You'd have anyone in my family on the floor in stitches if you even suggested it. We are as different as chalk and cheese in our outlooks, career choices, relationship to our parents and levels of "girly-ness" Hmm.
Literally one who enters beauty padgents, one who is more at home on a tractor and a bookworm.

Aridane · 14/06/2018 20:24

I hope,your boys never gets,to learn how you would have aborted their baby brother but not their baby sister!

What does DP think?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 14/06/2018 20:42

'more of the same'

'she's never had the chance to conceive naturally let alone get a girl'

'Even if she turns out a tomboy or lesbian or whatever. It is different to having a boy.'

Good grief. I find all of these statements rather disturbing - from their reduction of people, especially boys, to their sex to the notion of a girl as the top prize in the reproductive lottery/competition.

Then this:

'It isn't about pink frills and shopping, it's about a kinship and common experience you will share with her in the world because of your sex. My boys are no less dear to me than my girl, but their lives will be shaped differently as boys and men. I'm glad I have her.'

Is sort of what I mean in my post way upthread about narcissistic reasons. Isn't it a really bit part of having children that they are not the same as us, they experience the world differently, they go off and are their own people? Why is someone who shares my experience more valuable to me that someone who doesn't? And what about all the other dimensions of shared experience?

The more this thread goes on, the greater my concern for the OP's three boys who are already here, particularly the smallest one, if she goes ahead with the pregnancy and draws succour and inspiration from some of the 'oh, how wonderful, a special precious miracle girl' attitudes on here.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 14/06/2018 20:43

big part, not bit part. FFS!

TacoLover · 14/06/2018 20:56

Even if she turns out a tomboy or lesbian or whatever.

This comment deeply unsettles me.

Miladamermalada · 14/06/2018 21:01

Why?
There's a lot of 'deeply' unsettled people on here tonight.
It simply referred to 'not pink marrying a man girly'

Original poster
beclev24 · 14/06/2018 21:02

The more this thread goes on, the greater my concern for the OP's three boys who are already here, particularly the smallest one, if she goes ahead with the pregnancy and draws succour and inspiration from some of the 'oh, how wonderful, a special precious miracle girl' attitudes on here.

I get that and I think I would definitely need to be careful of this. BUT- my youngest son has a huge amount of 'precious miracle baby' around him already- I always wanted 3 kids, and never thought I would have a third- he was also born very late in life, against all odds etc etc (from a frozen embryo after several unsuccessful attempts. I utterly treasure him and actually am welling up just typing this and thinking about him (I also treasure my other boys obviously but there is something about the baby you enver thought you would have etc etc )- I can't see this changing with a daughter.

OP posts:
Usernameunknown2 · 14/06/2018 21:31

I have to wonder if you hadn't already decided not to abort when you went for the testing. Why would you bother testing a baby you planned to abort?

Have you spoken to your husband?

Miladamermalada · 14/06/2018 21:39

She's not aborting a baby. She would be terminating an early pregnancy.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 14/06/2018 21:43

I think it's fair enough that you'd have a gender preference if you are going to have an unplanned 4th child. A lot of people would prefer a mix of genders if they are being completely honest about it and I admire your honesty!

This baby sounds like she's a medical miracle after all you went through to have your other 3. It sounds tough, and you'll be exhausted but some things may just be meant to be.....

Good luck with your decision!

MissEliza · 14/06/2018 22:14

Op I didn't fancy three boys as i could imagine many long years of play fighting ahead of me.

TacoLover · 14/06/2018 22:24

"Why?
There's a lot of 'deeply' unsettled people on here tonight.
It simply referred to 'not pink marrying a man girly'"

You've made a pretty big generalisation about lesbians there. You can be girly and a lesbian at the same time. That wasn't coming across in your post.

Miladamermalada · 14/06/2018 22:25

I'm a lesbian ffs. Get a grip.

TacoLover · 14/06/2018 22:26

Sorry, but that's how your post came across.

crispysausagerolls · 14/06/2018 22:38

TacoLover

You really enjoy being offended

TacoLover · 14/06/2018 22:43

crispysausagerolls no need to be goady. I don't enjoy being offended.

PurpleTigerLove · 14/06/2018 22:43

Congratulations! Sounds like a miracle to me . It will all be ok .

AndBabyMakes3 · 14/06/2018 23:58

Haven't rtft but ask yourself how you would feel if you were to MC this baby. (Not wishing it on you, just to make you think). That answer should tell you if you would be able to abort under these circumstances. Hoping you come to a decision, this cannot be easy on you and DH but you will get through it no matter what you decide

RailReplacementBusService · 15/06/2018 00:28

I had the Harmony test. You’re having a girl they said. At the anomaly scan they said you’re having a boy. And a boy he is indeed.