Horrible dilemma- please help.

[beclev24]

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

I've nothing useful to add except small age gaps rock! Your 3rd and 4th will grow up like twins which will be hard for year 1 and then bliss as they entertain each other.

Hi OP, I’ve not read the whole thread, but was in a near-identical situation to you a few years ago. I went ahead with the pregnancy and it was the best thing I have ever done.

My relationship with my boys is better, there is a sense of completeness in the family, my husband wouldn’t change anything and I am so thankful for what I have, every single day. Obviously life is incredibly busy and stressful at times, but I believe you would never feel a moment’s regret 💐

Like skinnyamericano I too have been in the same situation some years ago although I was younger than you now, but I aborted. I can honestly say I will never get over it. Regret doesn’t come near to covering it. I feel damaged. Think carefully. 💐

Alwaysmoresides

i had all sorts of ideas about what life with my 2 girls would be like when they were in my tummy. I read that piece about not finding out gender because you're imposing social constructs on them but meh, you feel the way you feel.

Plenty of us have preexisting notions of what parenting any child would be like - with subsequent DC you imagine they'll be like the other DC.

You should not beat yourself up about wanting it more because it is a girl, but you do need to think HARD about what you could do to mitigate the mental load of 4 DC on your family.

Can you afford to pay for any more help? Would any of your family be able to step up so that DH could carve out any more time?

You sound on your knees as it is, and I'd be worried about a breakdown for one or both of you if you have a 4th, without extra help, I can't see how you'll get through it.

it seems to be that for whatever reason, you DO want the baby, but you and DH are understandably not sure that you'll cope. So you need to put all the effort into thinking about that, in my view.

Talking yourself into not wanting the baby when you do have a strong feeling that you do seems doomed to fail - if you clearly can't make it work because of exhaustion, lack of help, lack of funds and risks of pregnancy, those are completely legitimate and different reasons.

OP I am in awe of you and your insight and honesty about your feelings. I have no suggestions for you but respect for the thoughtful way you are approaching this situation where there are no right answers.
Take care of yourself x

I am not anti abortion at all but your post screams at me that you want this baby. Have the baby, your husband will have to get used to the idea!

Abortion has literally been the biggest regret of my life. I will never get over it. I wanted my baby but was so shocked a being pregnant and worried about coping with my other kids and finances I didn't go through with it and regretted it immediately and forever :( .

so hard though, regrets can go in both directions - Op could have the baby and her DH could have a breakdown and leave her and the 4 DC, it's taboo to talk about regretting having a baby but you have to play through all scenarios in your head, just not the fluffy ones where DH comes around and after a few tough years it's all ok.

It's not social acceptable to say/think "I wish I'd aborted" when the child is here, though. I wonder what the rates of regret of terminating vs the regret of having a child is? We'd never find out, because regretting your child is taboo.

I was faced with this choice. I think its not so much taboo rather that you see a little person sitting in front of you that you love and you cannot contemplate them not being in your life. I cannot imagine anyone regretting a child.

I had my daughter in my 40s. Accidental pregnancy.
It was a difficult pregnancy.
My sons were several years older and it was hard work.
But she brought so much joy and love to our family.
Then my elder son died suddenly.
I am so thankful to have my surviving children and for them to have each other.
My daughter is definitely meant to be here.
I wish you all the best OP.

Most people regret the things they didn't do.

I cannot imagine anyone regretting a child. And that widespread dogma is why it's taboo. Stating you'd abort if the baby is the wrong sex is also taboo, but it doesn't stop OP feeling that way. I am sure some people wonder if they should have terminated, despite loving their children, or even some parents never love their children.

You have still not answered the question that I asked ...

What if the gender test is wrong, and it's another boy?

What then?

Are you going to answer that? Or are cherry picking, and only answering and responding to questions that suit you?
She can cherry pick if she wants-it's her decision.
I bet if it turns out to be a boy later she will be devastated, but will love him regardless on birth. She will still always wish she'd had a girl.
Nothing wrong with a sex preference. No need for counselling ffs

Most people regret the things they didn't do.

But there are always things we didn't do, regardless of what choice we make. If OP has a termination then this baby may indeed become the thing she didn't do. If she doesn't then continuing her career might be the thing she didn't do. It's impossible to live a life without 'what ifs'.

Nothing wrong with a sex preference. This is more than 'preference', it's about whether the baby gets to exist. That's more than preference. And about all the gender baggage being put on this embryo at 10 weeks gestation.

As for terminating another boy but perhaps not a girl. yes- I'm not proud of that. But I do firmly believe in a woman's right to choose whether to continue with a pregnancy, for any reason or none

There is something really disturbing about people choosing to abort based on gender.

the gender preference is so much less important than the question of whether Op and her family can cope with another baby, in reality.

We all put our baggage on our kids. I might have a prior that my kids will be smart, as DH and I are smart. I might have a prior that my kids will be bad at sport, and therefore not encourage sport enough. I might have a prior that my kids will struggle with their weight, because we've struggled with it.

We all have baggage and prior beliefs about our unborn and born DC and she feels the way she feels about the baby.

Thank you mytrain your very kind and brought my tears to the surface. I have to say though I can’t imagine there are as many regrets having the child. Obviously I’m blinkered on this subject but.. on paper, to me in my head I made the right choice aborting and I know it was the right decision in terms of my day to day life and living and how things have turned out for me relationship wise etc but somewhere, very deep inside, the place that isn’t practical but somehow matters the most. It was wrong. So wrong on a deepest level and probably in part the reason I’m on this sight under another name struggling to control my drinking. I say it again. Think long and hard and I hope you are showing all of these responses to your husband as reading all these would at least make it more real. So very real. I’m not anti abortion at all but I acted in haste and just didn’t talk it through enough, look inside myself enough, although obviously you don’t get much time for such a major decision that should be taken together all the way. Be gentle to yourselves OP.

alwaysmore, you poor thing, it sounds as though you acted against your gut feeling, it's so hard that, I've talked myself into things so many times. I hope you win your struggle and forgive yourself, it's a very valid perspective for the op.

Thanks trees. The last thing I’ll say on this topic for another indefinite amount of time is, that I know now, I shouldn’t have kept the baby because it was a girl or a boy. I should have kept the baby because it was mine. Good luck.

OP I think you've been incredibly honest and I salute you for that. It's not a conversation you can easily have in RL.

In my opinion, I don't think you'd cope if you had a termination. Short term having a 4th baby will be hard, but they do grow up - so there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you had a termination I think it would haunt you forever. (I'm 43 and have a 2 yr old and a 6 yr old).

I do think you need to address what you expect from a girl. I've never had the desire to have a girl - my two boys are perfect for me. But if you'd had me as a girl you'd have been really disappointed.

I did have Sindy dolls - only because people bought them for me - I used to camo them up with the action men I had and they used to play in the mud. Arts and crafts with my mum and sister? No thanks I'll change the engine in the car with Dad and get covered in oil. Pretty dresses? No. My favourite colour is blue. I am a disappointment to my mother and am very aware of that and have only just started not to care since I had my own children.

Good luck with your decision, but I think you should focus on how to simplify your life and get as much help as possible in readiness for your new baby.

There are a lot of what ifs on this thread, just ignore them. It doesn't matter what if she was a male, doesn't matter what if she had a disability. It is what it is. Is there a mother alive who didn't spend the first trimester thinking fuck what have I done, I can't do this? I know I did.