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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horrible dilemma- please help.

428 replies

beclev24 · 13/06/2018 18:46

I have had many years of fertility treatment and through a combination of IVF and frozen embryos now have three wonderful DS's including a 6 month old baby. I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have them but Life with a baby and two rambunctious older boys is VERY VERY full on and exhausting. i often feel totally overwhelmed.

it's awful to say, but I have always craved a girl. This obviously doesn't mean that I love my boys any less- just that I have always wished I could raise a daughter and felt very disappointed and sad that I haven't had that chance. I've really tried to work out why I feel this way. I am not a gender essentialist. I don't believe htat there are hard wired differences between boys and girls and I have brought my sons up to believe that boys and girls can and should pursue any interests they enjoy. But still....I think bringing up a girl is a different experience from boys- mainly navigating a different set of social expectations and ones which I feel personally way more comfortable with. I adore my boys but a lot of their interests bore me senseless. I know this may also be true with a girl but I think that it would be easier to share old toys/ games/ interests with a girl growing up without constantly feeling as though you are making a point or fighting the tide of the whole of society etc etc. I would dearly love to share my experience of being a girl with my own daughter. But I just assumed that we woudl have no more children and so was coping wtih the fact that this would never happen.

Anyway after a lifetime of infertility, at age 45 while breastfeeding and using contraception I am unexpectedly 10 wks pregnant, wiht a girl (found out thro harmony test) a! I have no idea what to do. on the one hand, having another child may push us over the edge (DH feels this even more strongly than me)- we are exhausted, are boys are full on and very demanding, my career would never recover, my last pregnancy was risky, this one likely will be too, Im old etc etc. everything points away from having another child but yet this would be my longed for daughter, WWYD?? Ay advice/ perspectives welcome

OP posts:
GahWhatever · 14/06/2018 13:22

Op I think that there are lots of things here for you to consider, and can understand why you are struggling. But actually I think you know what you are going to do already, hence the worrying:

  1. After all your treatments and assisted conceptions this baby must seem like a miracle, after so many years of praying for one. So accepting the thought of choosing not to go ahead must be a complete cognitive dissonance for you.

2)You know that you are on the edge; emotionally, logistically and physically. Your DH sees it too and your relationship is struggling (this is all pretty normal BTW with a 6 month old). Yet, when you found at that you were pregnant you didn't both go straight for a termination. You knew that if the baby was going to have significant disabilities you would terminate. You knew that if it were another boy you'd terminate. But you didn't: you went for the test. So even at that point you weren't ever going to terminate a healthy female foetus.

The decision is already made: it was before you did the test. What you need to do now is get stuck into making your circumstances better over the next few months so another baby won't break you both.
Congratulations!

Notonthestairs · 14/06/2018 13:27

Is the Harmony test accurate?

How will you feel if you have a fourth boy?

kathmacc · 14/06/2018 13:43

I had four boys and like you had always wanted a girl -love my boys but really wanted a girl still. Youngest boy was 6 and I unexpectedly became pregnant at 45 and gave birth to a beautiful girl at age 46. It has been the most wonderful last 9 years- my husband like yours was concerned how we would cope/ our age etc. yet she is the absolute apple of his eye - having a girl has been completely different to the boys and she loves shopping, clothes etc. Her first word was shoes. Love her!

lindalee3 · 14/06/2018 13:55

OP doesn't have to answer every question that's put to her. This is a social media forum, not a court of law.

Yeah she does. If she posts such a post on a forum, then she should answer questions put to her, not just cherry pick the ones she wants to answer.

So @beclev24 answer the question. What if the test is wrong and this baby is a boy. What then?!

And I don't admire the OP's 'honesty' at all like some do; I think the whole thing is pretty dark and disturbing actually.

Mytrainwaslate · 14/06/2018 13:57

having a girl has been completely different to the boys and she loves shopping, clothes etc. Her first word was shoes. Ugh.

I am very disturbed by this.

colditz · 14/06/2018 13:59

NO she really fucking does not! She's entitled leave this thread and leave all you frothers to it and never come back. She's ENTITLED to do as she pleases. You may not like it, Lindalee, but that does NOT mean she isn't allowed to DO it.

treesforesthappy · 14/06/2018 13:59

it's a pretty common feeling to have a gender preference. 2 siblings were terribly upset when they realized they weren't going to get a girl, my DM was devastated she didn't get a boy, the beckhams are supposed to have been very keen on a girl. My MIL was desperate for a girl too.

It might not be fashionable to feel this way these days, but people do feel it. i didn't have a preference but I was relieved when dc2 was a girl as I felt (I'm sure, due to social constructs) I knew what I was getting into as I already had a girl already.

lindalee3 · 14/06/2018 14:02

Yeah she does have to answer the question. All I am asking is 'what if it's a boy? What then?' It's very relevant to the thread, it's a valid question, and it's very odd she is not answering the question...

The fact she is ignoring me and not answering is VERY telling. Wink

lindalee3 · 14/06/2018 14:03

You are VERY defensive of the OP @colditz Why is that? Wink

lindalee3 · 14/06/2018 14:04

Why are you so angry @colditz ?

Mytrainwaslate · 14/06/2018 14:06

It's very very unlikely to be a boy if the genetic test has shown xx, I would think. Perhaps if it's some sort of mosacism of klinefelters. Of course OP has no obligation to answer anything.

Gender preference may be common. Using termination to sex select may also be common, but that doesn't make it equal to just having a preference, and nor does it being common make it legal, or ethical.

MargaretCavendish · 14/06/2018 14:07

having a girl has been completely different to the boys and she loves shopping, clothes etc. Her first word was shoes.

You can't possibly think this is an indication of anything other than how much weight of gendered expectation you've put onto a baby's shoulders?

lindalee3 · 14/06/2018 14:09

This whole thread is disturbing actually. I'm out.

LagunaBubbles · 14/06/2018 14:11

Isn't it just lindalee.

onalongsabbatical · 14/06/2018 14:15

lindalee3 nobody here is obliged to answer anything. People post for help, support, opinions. She may well have read your questions and found thinking about them helpful, but she does NOT owe you an answer. None of us have signed any binding contracts you know! We've signed up to certain things like not being abusive, but we're not obliged to answer anything we don't want to answer. And if you choose to read anything into her not answering your questions, well, that's entirely about you, because you don't know what she's thinking.

Original poster
beclev24 · 14/06/2018 14:18

Wow- this has become horrible. the reason i haven't been back for a while is that we live in a different time zone, and I also have three very full on kids, including a baby (as I've said) and don't have time to spend hours and hours answering every question. I've tried to be honest

@lindalee I am not avoiding your question- see above. If we have the baby and it is a boy, then we will adore him and cherish him, as we do with our other three boys

Will read the other questions and try to answer when I have a moment.

Thanks for those who have posted supportively or at least civilly!

OP posts:
PlatypusPie · 14/06/2018 14:19

On the one hand you are already dealing with a baby, which must make this seem like yet so much more work and time , but it has an upside in that your household and routines are in baby mode, it’s not going to be such a shock to the system. You are going to have a few more very full on years, but you are anyway - just carrying on for a bit longer ! I agree with those who say two children to three is a bigger logistical and psychological jump than three to four.

SmallBlondeMama · 14/06/2018 14:20

It was meant to be!!!! Cherish that little baby girl. Everything will work out. Nothing good in life comes easy XOXO

Original poster
beclev24 · 14/06/2018 14:21

Yeah she does have to answer the question. All I am asking is 'what if it's a boy? What then?' It's very relevant to the thread, it's a valid question, and it's very odd she is not answering the question...

I think that this is a very odd sentiment!

@lindalee3 i tagged you w wrong username in my previous post- i've answered your question int he post above, but really pps are right- i'm not obliged to answer anything on here! What a weird idea!

OP posts:
Southfields · 14/06/2018 14:22

You can't abort this child. It would tear you to bits psychologically.

Women manage with 4 kids. My mum raised 6 of us and her mum, 8.

chocatoo · 14/06/2018 14:25

Congratulations! I only have a DD - yes, daughters are WONDERFUL!! Her brothers are going to love her. Go for it...and buy as much pink as you like :-)

PlatypusPie · 14/06/2018 14:34

Wow, that was a weird flurry of very demanding and aggressive posts ! You posted an unusual dilemma, OP, and most people were, thankfully, sensitive and understanding of why you feel the way you do and why are feeling conflicted. You have real concerns and demands and also real emotions and you articulated these well.

You don’t owe anyone a response to their particular hobby horse. Best wishes to you and your family, however it turns out.

Chesham · 14/06/2018 14:39

Oh OP. I would keep this pregnancy at all costs. I am your age and would be so delighted if this happened to us. I crave a girl and after years of infertility treatment have two wonderful boys. My advice is to treasure this absolutely precious gift!

SeriousSimon · 14/06/2018 14:43

I don't know what sickens me more, the op or some of the responses.

Disgusting.

Original poster
beclev24 · 14/06/2018 14:45

Had a chance to read the responses now. Thank you so much- genuinely- some really lovely supportive, thoughtful comments on here and also some really interesting and smart comments articulating some of my own concerns/ unease/ squeamishness about the ethics of all this. I really have been reading and digesting. A few unpleasant posts but I also get that this is a really emotive issue for a lot of people and it's right that it should elicit strong emotions. Sorry if my last response was defensive- it was only really in response to one poster.

Thank you everyone so much

OP posts: