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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want him to go to the wedding?

147 replies

helloworld178 · 13/06/2018 16:12

My DP has a friendship group from Uni (graduated 10 years ago), the group of friends that lives together etc have a whatsapp group. They talk randomly in it, they don't see each other much except for at weddings/stags as no one seems to make plans very often (my DP has seen them in 3.5 years at 1 wedding, 1 non wedding event, and 1 stag).

One of the men in this group who he likes has been with his partner the same amount of time as us and they got engaged earlier in the year and are marrying at the end of this year. DP has tried to meet with his guy throughout the year and seems to get stood up. I met the couple at another wedding and he seemed odd towards me but his partner and I got on well and spent a lot of time dancing. My DP and him also ended up having a laugh together.

The wedding invite came to their wedding and my DP just assumed I was invited. However the invite was just to him. He checked and as I thought I wasn't invited due to 'space'. The other people in the friendship group all have their partners invited. That's why I'm upset, it seems personal. Whilst the other couples are married, or have a child (out of wedlock), we have a mortgage, have marriage plans in the future but I am 5 years younger than him and do not want to get married until my career is fully established.

My parents said that they think he shouldn't go. I was more torn, I understood the importance of seeing his friends but also saw it as disrespectful. My DP spoke to the groom about it and how he wants me there and he just said that if they get a no RSVP I can come.
After thinking about the respect of it, my DP has agreed not to go and I said it would be fine to go on the stag as he then sees his friends, however we are on holiday then as the details have just come out.

What are your opinions, would you expect your partner to go?

OP posts:

Crunched · 13/06/2018 22:02

Oh and only give them 1/2 a present - maybe 1 nice champagne glass.
I would feel exactly like you Op. They sound selfish pricks, you and your DP will be well rid.
Weddings are all about love IMO so why separate commited couples who want to share in the joy of the day? Cut down on the frippery and splash out people who care about you and will make memories with you.
I love a wedding and it always seems strange when posters on here say they would be glad to not go, at least you always have a choice to say no in their situation.

vincettenoir · 13/06/2018 22:05

I totally get you feeling slighted and it’s a shame you’re not invited. However, I still wouldn’t try to stop dp from going because he’s not going to look back in 10 years time and thank you for that.

IMO your lack of invite is probably more to do with the fact that they have only met you once rather than your dp being the ‘weaker’ friend / you guys not being married.

When I got married there were some friends’ long term partners / fiancés that I didn’t invite - because I hardly knew them. I let my cousin bring a partner I hadn’t met - but I thought that was the right call in all the circs. When you’ve got a finite number of spaces you have to make some tough calls.

Usernameunknown2 · 13/06/2018 22:14

IMO your lack of invite is probably more to do with the fact that they have only met you once rather than your dp being the ‘weaker’ friend / you guys not being married.

They have incited partners they've never met, someone who is a new girlfriend to another but not OP who is a partner and has met them. surely if you plan not to invite one plus one of all the friends then its one you havent met and have just been dating a while?

LiteraryDevil1 · 13/06/2018 23:27

OP ignore the mean posters on here. I'm with you on this. Your DP would be better off without 'friends' like that. It's personal, it's hurtful, childish and fucking rude. I'm close to my mum too and talk to her about everything and anything. We are very close. Some people don't understand that because they don't have that kind of relationship with their mum and are jealous. Book yourselves a weekend away instead of DP going to the wedding and have a great time together.

clumsyduck · 13/06/2018 23:32

Maybe it's because you've met them once and also you say things like " a child born out of wedlock"
Drama llama

Timeisslippingaway · 13/06/2018 23:39

*Usernameunknown2

In your dhs shoes i wouldnt go. They sound like shit friends for letting him down when he arranges to meet and for leaving him out of meet ups.

Its fair enough they invite who they want but inviting people they gave never met and who have been with their boyfriend a year and not inviting your dhs dw sends the message they just dont want you there. I wouldnt be comfortable going to the wedding of someone sending that message to my spouse *

^100% agree

Timeisslippingaway · 13/06/2018 23:43

Not quite sure why your parents opinion has any relevance. You might as well ask the newsagent what he thinks.

Well you thought your opinion was relevant.

Wedontbelievewhatsontv · 13/06/2018 23:47

Whilst the other couples are married, or have a child (out of wedlock)
are you judgemental?

Nanny0gg · 14/06/2018 00:26

It's rude.

And only in Mumsnet World is it anywhere considered normal/ok.

They're not very nice friends and I don't think he should go.

altiara · 14/06/2018 00:58

Sounds to me like your DP isn’t really that good friends with him but was bumped up to wedding guest because of the uni friends connection. And you said the groom was odd towards you - that ‘could’ be the answer...well part of the answer. Did you previously go out with his cousin? Have an affair with his uncle? ...
I do think it’s rude to not invite you as a couple, but if they are missing you out of stuff, then sounds like they’re not planning on inviting you.

Rainbunny · 14/06/2018 01:54

YANBU OP, based on your information the fact that partners of other friends who have never met the wedding couple are invited while you are left out makes it clear. I must say, as a Brit who has lived in fair few places, including Japan, Singapore, Australia and now the USA I have only ever encountered the "single" wedding invite that excludes a partner in the UK. This would be completely unacceptable in the other places I've lived based on my experiences of the 40+ weddings I've attended.

I'm afraid it sounds like your DP is not particularly liked by the wedding couple or perhaps even the friendship group since they organise events without him. Is that recent behaviour from them or do you suspect that this has been the dynamic for some time? Hopefully he has friends outside of this group and realises that these are not good friends to treat him this way. All of that said, I would still not object to him going alone to the wedding, although I do understand your emotions on what effectively is a rejection of both of you somewhat. It sounds like he has already minimised contact to a degree when you're not invited, which I think is healthy.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 14/06/2018 01:56

Whilst I think it's rude to not invite either no partners or all, I'd struggle to get that animated over not being invited to the wedding of someone I'd met once.

I'd happily see my DH go off on his own, ultimately it'd be his decision to make what with it being him invited.

The sheer fact that your DH isn't included in every event really shows that they aren't as close to him as others in the group, so stands to reason that it would be him chosen to cut back on.

Also, whilst it's great that you're close to your mum, it isn't great that your mum doesn't appear to have boundaries. She really had no place going speaking to your DP about it at all, and quite probably stirred it all up for him.

AltheaorDonna · 14/06/2018 02:13

My jaw dropped at 'out of wedlock' and dropped again at the poster who thinks its ok not to invite the partner of the best man!

bella2bella · 14/06/2018 07:45

I don't think YABU, I'd be hurt too. My husband weirdly wasn't invited to a family diamond wedding anniversary party (they like him so don't know why not). My husband wouldn't have minded me going and I'd have had fun (i go to lots alone as he works a lot of weekends) but I knew I'd be annoyed if his family did something similar and excluded me so I politely declined.

kissthealderman · 14/06/2018 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gemini69 · 14/06/2018 14:28

oh my actual gawd lol

OVienna · 14/06/2018 14:54

Some very odd responses on here but there always are on these threads.

OP - they don't like you. The point is not that couples are 'joined at the hip' and both must always be invited to weddings, blah blah. It's the way your DP has been singled out. Out of a whole friendship group, just his partner will not be included. This would definitely have me questioning the friendship and make me inclined not to go.

It's not this one off event it's the pattern you've described of not including you and it seems like it might be time to draw a line.

OVienna · 14/06/2018 14:58

I just wouldn't treat a friend I cared about like that. He's not an acquaintance from the office.

Italiangreyhound · 14/06/2018 15:01

I would not mind my partner going to a wedding without me, but I'd have little respect for this man and his partner to exclude just you on 'space'. When it is your wedding, you will know what is acceptable!

Wellthisunexpected · 14/06/2018 15:01

I wouldn't sweat it. I don't like weddings though. I'd just leave DH to go.

letstryagainaaahhhh · 14/06/2018 15:09

My hubby and I have been to lots of weddings separately, particularly before we were married. It was always when I didn't know the couple that well and vice versus. I had this with one wedding my husband went too though which did feel a bit personal... we weren't married at the time but had been together much longer than everyone else's plus ones and I knew the groom extremely well. It was a bit awkward for my hubby as he was the only one alone at the wedding, but he still went without me. I felt left out that I wasn't going with all our friends and I wasn't invited, but would never have asked him not to go. I just assumed the bride didn't like me for some reason! I did invite them both to our wedding a couple of years later though. I think you mentioned you are 5 years younger... maybe they feel like you don't have much in common and would prefer to see their friend on their own? Yes it's not nice, but honestly it happens all the time.

Charley50 · 14/06/2018 17:50

I was on the periphery of my uni friend's group, went through 'serious' boyfriend's every year or two in my 20s, and I still got invited with a plus one or named boyfriend (if they'd met him) to most of their weddings.
It's quite the diss to your DP really, unless he had always felt a bit on the outside of that particular group, and wasn't really arsed about it.

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