To not want him to go to the wedding?

[helloworld178]

My DP has a friendship group from Uni (graduated 10 years ago), the group of friends that lives together etc have a whatsapp group. They talk randomly in it, they don't see each other much except for at weddings/stags as no one seems to make plans very often (my DP has seen them in 3.5 years at 1 wedding, 1 non wedding event, and 1 stag).

One of the men in this group who he likes has been with his partner the same amount of time as us and they got engaged earlier in the year and are marrying at the end of this year. DP has tried to meet with his guy throughout the year and seems to get stood up. I met the couple at another wedding and he seemed odd towards me but his partner and I got on well and spent a lot of time dancing. My DP and him also ended up having a laugh together.

The wedding invite came to their wedding and my DP just assumed I was invited. However the invite was just to him. He checked and as I thought I wasn't invited due to 'space'. The other people in the friendship group all have their partners invited. That's why I'm upset, it seems personal. Whilst the other couples are married, or have a child (out of wedlock), we have a mortgage, have marriage plans in the future but I am 5 years younger than him and do not want to get married until my career is fully established.

My parents said that they think he shouldn't go. I was more torn, I understood the importance of seeing his friends but also saw it as disrespectful. My DP spoke to the groom about it and how he wants me there and he just said that if they get a no RSVP I can come.
After thinking about the respect of it, my DP has agreed not to go and I said it would be fine to go on the stag as he then sees his friends, however we are on holiday then as the details have just come out.

What are your opinions, would you expect your partner to go?

"I wouldn't want 50% of my wedding budget to be spent on virtual strangers. Being part of a couple doesn't make you a singular entity, you're still individuals."

I have never been to a wedding where it wasn't +1s. And I think I've probably been to the average number. Every single couple has cut their cloth according to double numbers.

I wouldn't go to a wedding if my DH was going to be excluded in the very pointed way that the OP has been excluded. I think she's got every reason to feel singled out and upset here.

Cheeky to invite the other partners and not you - I would see that as disrespectful too. I would leave the decision up to my DP, but I know he would decline (politely) on principle. If your DP is opting not to go he needn't say why - there's no requirement to make an 'excuse'. But if he's asked why he could just say he's uncomfortable leaving you out on a formal occasion, but that he'd love to spend some time catching up with the groom and the rest of the gang another time. It's the bride and groom's choice who they invite, even if their choice seems rather ill-mannered, so no need to made a big thing about it. Always take the high road.

Going by some of the responses, some people aren't reading everything.

I have never ever controlled/had an input on anything to do with this friendship group. I encourage him to make plans.

I don't particularly want him to go but never asked him not to. He has chosen not to.

Partly because he sees it as an attack.

I genuinely think it's a bit odd that given what a wedding is, you'd choose to invite some and not the others based on little reason. I'd understand if there was a rule based on whether you're married or not.

Also would not care in the slightest if no partners were invited in the group. Only that I'm the only one.
I think it's more, why be friends with people like that.

So many typos 🙈 YABU let him go

YABU OP.

ExH and I had a small wedding, with no partners invited. His oldest friend didn’t attend because we didn’t invite his girlfriend, and she kicked up a stink. I’d never met her. ExH had met her once. We have 9 siblings between us and couldn’t afford the expense of someone we did not know there. Childish.

I wouldn't say he couldn't go but I would ask him to ask why you aren't invited and the other partners are.

@pirate @critique thank you, I agree. I think the worst part is I was so excited for them and looking forward to seeing his friends again, me and the partners get on well and talk now and then ourselves.

@Nuka ...Once again, if what you did was what they did, I wouldn't have an issue in the slightest. I'd respect it. But they have allowed +1s, to every person invited except him.

I couldn't get upset about this, and for your DP to say he feels attacked is a ridiculous overreaction!!

As an aside, do you often discuss your relationship with your parents?

It does seem a bit pointed if they have invited another partner of one of the guys in the friendship group, who they have never met and where the couple have been together for less time than you. I think you are right to be a bit upset, but sod them.

@fash84 I am not his mother, I cannot control whether or not he goes. I would prefer him not to, but I was looking for opinions on how other people would feel and react in the same situation.

Actually one of my sisters experienced this kind of weird exclusion behaviour from her DH’s university group. It was very upsetting for her as it’s not nice to be actively excluded, and seemed to revolve around some bizarre issue one of his mates had against my DSis based on something untrue one of his ex-girlfriends had told him. I’m not always a big fan of this BIL but he did the right thing in this situation by just refusing invitations to all the ‘couple’ type events where she was specifically not invited and only going to the ones that were his original mates only. A few years on the group aren’t really in touch anymore apart from one or two of them who are also now married to ‘outsiders’ and they now meet as whole families from time without problem. The guy who had the problem is no longer in touch and no one seems to miss him!

I believe you have been deliberately excluded OP..

it's obvious when couples together just a year have been invited together but not you guys... it's odd

I your DP doesn't want to go I wouldn't encourage him to go either....

You don't need these people in your life... forget them

Yup. I wouldn't think about it, wouldn't talk to my mum about it, wouldn't talk to my partner about it. He'd just go if he wanted to and not if he didn't. Stuff like this doesn't bother me.

No one cares about your mortgage, and if it is the case that they don't like you, why would you want to go anyway?
You seem determined to get upset about it - leave it up to him, if he wants to go without you, that should be up to him. But at least try not to appear to have issues about it, otherwise he's likely to not go just to keep you sweet.

If there's something which indicates long term commitment then I think it's rude of the B&g unless no partners applied to all friends they barely see.

From the comments I assume you've been together more than one year? Certainly long enough to have bought a house together, so it does sound like they are being unreasonable.

Why won't you say how long you've been together?

It seems a bit mean to single you out...
and I say this as someone who didn't invite partners but default, but only if I knew them! I'm not super-confident in front of strangers, and half the guests will be DP's for a start!

Going by some of the responses, some people aren't reading everything.

• yes, par for the course on here. Just ignore those posts.

I think he shouldn't go if he also considers it a slight - which I think it sounds as if it is, really. And also because he's going to be the gooseberry - why go to ANY event that's going to cost time and money to attend, when you've been set up to have quite a shit time?

Yep it's totally their decision. But also totally up to the guests to be to politely decline, espeically in this scenario.

By the way, I think it's a slight, not a deliberate 'we hate your partner' thing BUT I reckon it's more a case of they see him as easy pickings, someone they can slightly treat badly and get away with it. It's a really common dynamic and one I hate, and the past treatment of him - being stood up etc. - also points to it. Group dynamics can be poisonous - I'll bet that they're trying to cut numbers where they can, and all of the other members of that group they wouldn't dare do this to - they see them as linchpins, or more 'powerful', 'social cachet' etc bollox, or simply they don't want to fall out with them or have their noses up their arse... but your DP is someone they feel it's safe to slight, safe to look down on. Insecure twats. I've been in groups where I felt I was in that position, and although there were people I liked there and miss, it was definitely a case of needing to cut out the group.

You feel disrespected and your OH feels personally attacked … at this rate they're not going to want either of you there. You say that people aren't reading all the details, but you are ignoring the responses because you clearly have already made up your mind that this couple is in the wrong. You hardly know them, so is missing their wedding such a big deal? It may be down to numbers, it may be down to personalities … does it really matter when you obviously aren't close to them and hardly see them? Let OH go - he will be fine without you.

God some of you MNers are mean spirited .
You have a right to feel upset but fuck them, if your other half wants to go deep down tell him to go, you go and do something fantastic (and post it all over Facebook). Oh and only give them 1/2 a present - maybe 1 nice champagne glass.

I might mind because I would be missing a celebration but would respect the couple’s wishes. Wave him off and make your own plans for the day —open Prosecco—

The general rule of etiquette is that you invite both people in an established couple. It’s considered very rude not to and even more so in this case, as you’ve been singled out from other people who are on roughly the same terms with the couple as your DP is. It seems personal to me, sorry.

In your shoes, I’d say nothing and leave it up to DP to decide whether to go. I know my DP would consider this a snub and not go without me. If yours decides differently, you’ll have to decide how you feel about that.

Is this friend a good friend to your other half?
You mention that he has been stood up by this friend in the past so it sounds like not such a good mate.
Your DP is planning a future with you and not some uni mates from the past who he rarely sees.
There's surely an expectation of a "plus one" when an invite is issued, otherwise it is extremely bad manners.
I'm glad I was married thirty years ago when if you invited a person you had to invite the partner. I've been to events and weddings of my husbands relatives that i had never even set eyes on.
The fact that I was his other half was enough in those days.
Sad how things have changed to be so harsh.

I'd maybe wonder why I hadn't been invited but it really wouldn't bother me. I'd rather not spend an evening with a bunch of people I barely know. Weddings of close friends are just about tolerable. DH would go on his own.

fizzygreenwater said it all. Exactly my thoughts and thank you for putting it in a succint manner.

*I think he shouldn't go if he also considers it a slight - which I think it sounds as if it is, really. And also because he's going to be the gooseberry - why go to ANY event that's going to cost time and money to attend, when you've been set up to have quite a shit time?

Yep it's totally their decision. But also totally up to the guests to be to politely decline, espeically in this scenario.

By the way, I think it's a slight, not a deliberate 'we hate your partner' thing BUT I reckon it's more a case of they see him as easy pickings, someone they can slightly treat badly and get away with it. It's a really common dynamic and one I hate, and the past treatment of him - being stood up etc. - also points to it. Group dynamics can be poisonous - I'll bet that they're trying to cut numbers where they can, and all of the other members of that group they wouldn't dare do this to - they see them as linchpins, or more 'powerful', 'social cachet' etc bollox, or simply they don't want to fall out with them or have their noses up their arse... but your DP is someone they feel it's safe to slight, safe to look down on. Insecure twats. I've been in groups where I felt I was in that position, and although there were people I liked there and miss, it was definitely a case of needing to cut out the group.*