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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to go to the wedding?

147 replies

helloworld178 · 13/06/2018 16:12

My DP has a friendship group from Uni (graduated 10 years ago), the group of friends that lives together etc have a whatsapp group. They talk randomly in it, they don't see each other much except for at weddings/stags as no one seems to make plans very often (my DP has seen them in 3.5 years at 1 wedding, 1 non wedding event, and 1 stag).

One of the men in this group who he likes has been with his partner the same amount of time as us and they got engaged earlier in the year and are marrying at the end of this year. DP has tried to meet with his guy throughout the year and seems to get stood up. I met the couple at another wedding and he seemed odd towards me but his partner and I got on well and spent a lot of time dancing. My DP and him also ended up having a laugh together.

The wedding invite came to their wedding and my DP just assumed I was invited. However the invite was just to him. He checked and as I thought I wasn't invited due to 'space'. The other people in the friendship group all have their partners invited. That's why I'm upset, it seems personal. Whilst the other couples are married, or have a child (out of wedlock), we have a mortgage, have marriage plans in the future but I am 5 years younger than him and do not want to get married until my career is fully established.

My parents said that they think he shouldn't go. I was more torn, I understood the importance of seeing his friends but also saw it as disrespectful. My DP spoke to the groom about it and how he wants me there and he just said that if they get a no RSVP I can come.
After thinking about the respect of it, my DP has agreed not to go and I said it would be fine to go on the stag as he then sees his friends, however we are on holiday then as the details have just come out.

What are your opinions, would you expect your partner to go?

OP posts:
HyacinthsBucket70 · 13/06/2018 18:05

In the gentlest possible way, you're making this all about you. And it's not. For whatever reason the G & B haven't included you - and that must smart but I wouldn't expect my DP not to go because of it. Old friends don't grow on trees.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 13/06/2018 18:09

It wouldn't be so bad if the were really tight on numbers so just invited the friends in the group and none of their partners
Exactly, a colleague at work did this, she explained to us all that it was very tight for numbers and she hoped we didn’t mind but she was inviting 10 of us and none of our partners. That was of course fine!

Loonoon · 13/06/2018 18:10

I would be delighted. A Saturday on my own to chill and eat whatever I and watch crap tv. No need to stand around making small talk with strangers. It's all good!

Not quite sure why your parents opinion has any relevance. You might as well ask the newsagent what he thinks.

TheCraicDealer · 13/06/2018 18:11

YY @expatinscotland. And tbh not inviting the best man's gf is pretty off. That's normally a pretty time consuming, stressful and often financially demanding role. For someone who you think highly enough of to ask to organise your stag, stand beside you as you say your vows and give a speech it's not on not inviting their partner because you need their full attention on you all day, whilst admitting you're inviting other significant others you haven't met.

OP I don't think you're being sensitive. Previous points about the group dynamics and him being easy to upset are very relevant and the "she's first on the list!" is him being fobbed off. They can't make any argument about being closer to or knowing other people's partners better when they're hosting those who are in "less established" relationships. I agree he might be at the point where he should reassess what he's getting out of this friendship group and whether this is perhaps the time to focus on other relationships. However that's a very sad realisation to come to, and he has to get there on his own. I'd make it clear that I wouldn't be attending even if an invite did eventually materialise, but I wouldn't take the hump if he wanted to go without me.

tictoc76 · 13/06/2018 18:11

I think you’ve done the right thing by not suggesting he don’t go. It does sound like you are purposely excluded. My DH’s uni bunch were a funny lot - the girls in the bunch clearly controlled it and didn’t like outsiders. Was quite clear in the early years but over time it resulted in my DH distancing himself from them, (as did most of the men in the group as they started to have serious relationships).

He rarely sees them now so I really would just let it run it’s course.

crispysausagerolls · 13/06/2018 18:26

I agree it’s extremely bizarre not to invite the Best Man’s plus one....

Bluntness100 · 13/06/2018 18:31

I can't get past you writing about people having a child "out of wedlock"

WTAF.

If you are like that in real life I can see why they didn't invite you. And yeah he should go.

Bluntness100 · 13/06/2018 18:36

but your DP is someone they feel it's safe to slight, safe to look down on. Insecure twats

Why would you think it's him and not you? They invited him, not you, saying it's because they wouldn't do it to the others, as they have more social cache or are more powerful than your partner is horrible.

It's you not him. Your posts sound like you're getting stuck in telling him it's because it's him, it's not, it's you.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/06/2018 18:48

Where in the op posts, does it say that op partner is best man Confused, as they do not. The bride and groom were very rude, to exclude you, when they have invited others partners, who they have never met, or only been with a short time. I think that it says a lot of how they view him in the friendship group, and how they see you.

I am glad that your partner is supporting you, as good partners should, and maybe he can see the dynamic for himself now, and this is the icing on the cake.

Notonthestairs · 13/06/2018 18:51

They don't like you (or the groom doesn't anyway).

It really doesn't matter why so don't expend energy trying to understand them - if asked they'll feign ignorance anyway.

So I think the best advice is don't let yourself get dragged in to it any further - the two of you are happy together and that's what matters.

So really the last thing to consider is whether your DH can enjoy the day without you there and that will depend on whether he can ignore feeling slighted (understandably in my view) for the opportunity to see lots of people he might not otherwise get to see and tell everyone how amazing you are.

AND AT YOUR WEDING YOU MUST ONLY INVITE THE GIRLFRIEND/BRIDE. see how he likes them apples Grin

seven201 · 13/06/2018 18:51

I think you're overreacting. Your dh is in a friendship group with them but it sounds like he's not a close friend. They've said you'll be invited if a space becomes available (it most likely will do). Your dh should go and have a lovely time. If a space comes up you should go too. Wedding invite lists are a nightmare. You're being very self absorbed.

ShesABelter · 13/06/2018 18:54

I have been invited to weddings where my dh hasnt. He didnt mind. He has went to weddings without me and I have been invited to some id really rather not of went to with him but was invited.

Id not be bothered tbh.

crispysausagerolls · 13/06/2018 18:58

Aeroflotgirl

A PP said they aren’t inviting their Best Man’s partner to their wedding so he can spend his day focusing on his duties...

savingin2018welltryingto · 13/06/2018 19:02

I cannot believe the person who said they're not inviting the best man's girlfriend so they can attend to the groom... That is just outrageous and so, so, selfish.

savingin2018welltryingto · 13/06/2018 19:03

Op, I totally understand why you're feeling hurt. It's really poor and I feel sorry for your DP.

FuckPants · 13/06/2018 19:06

I don't understand what it has to do with your parents?

Your DP can go, it's not him they have a problem with, it's you and judging by some of your posts it's not difficult to work out why.

Who cares if someone has a kid without getting married...?

savingin2018welltryingto · 13/06/2018 19:11

Why are you fixating on the "out of wedlock" thing - she is just saying they are married OR have a child, to show the 'status' of a relationship. It's not big deal is it.

soapboxqueen · 13/06/2018 19:14

I don't think the OP was making any statement about people having children without being married. She was making the point that the couples concerned had various types of commitments with their other halves.

Again it isn't about the OP. Her Dp feels that it is a slight. Inviting other partners and not the OP definitely puts the friendships into a pecking order with the OPs Dp at the bottom. He obviously didn't realise this was the case. I'd be hurt on his behalf.

FuckPants · 13/06/2018 19:14

Why are you fixating on the "out of wedlock" thing - she is just saying they are married OR have a child, to show the 'status' of a relationship. It's not big deal is it.

It's a spectacularly old fashioned saying, why even mention it?

soapboxqueen · 13/06/2018 19:17

pants she mentioned it because the status of the other relationships will be brought up in a thread like this to justify why the op isn't invited. The implications being that some relationships are more committed than others. As background, It wasn't unreasonable to mention it.

savingin2018welltryingto · 13/06/2018 19:22

^ as soapbox says.

Bluntness100 · 13/06/2018 19:49

Who says "out of wedlock" any more. I mean seriously. What is this thee 1940s. Who even thinks that phrase unless they are 97 years old and deeply religious.

Honestly, I keep saying it, but no matter what weird shite someone writes on here someone will say it's normal.

"Married or have a kid together" would have clarified it just fine. Because that's what the word "or" does in that sentence, no need to put in brackets (out of wedlock), I assume written with a cats arse mouth.

LellyMcKelly · 13/06/2018 19:56

Wouldn’t bother me for a second. I’d be grateful to not have to go.

greendale17 · 13/06/2018 20:03

YANBU

They obviously don’t like you OP.

Usernameunknown2 · 13/06/2018 20:46

In your dhs shoes i wouldnt go. They sound like shit friends for letting him down when he arranges to meet and for leaving him out of meet ups.

Its fair enough they invite who they want but inviting people they gave never met and who have been with their boyfriend a year and not inviting your dhs dw sends the message they just dont want you there. I wouldnt be comfortable going to the wedding of someone sending that message to my spouse