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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to go to the wedding?

147 replies

helloworld178 · 13/06/2018 16:12

My DP has a friendship group from Uni (graduated 10 years ago), the group of friends that lives together etc have a whatsapp group. They talk randomly in it, they don't see each other much except for at weddings/stags as no one seems to make plans very often (my DP has seen them in 3.5 years at 1 wedding, 1 non wedding event, and 1 stag).

One of the men in this group who he likes has been with his partner the same amount of time as us and they got engaged earlier in the year and are marrying at the end of this year. DP has tried to meet with his guy throughout the year and seems to get stood up. I met the couple at another wedding and he seemed odd towards me but his partner and I got on well and spent a lot of time dancing. My DP and him also ended up having a laugh together.

The wedding invite came to their wedding and my DP just assumed I was invited. However the invite was just to him. He checked and as I thought I wasn't invited due to 'space'. The other people in the friendship group all have their partners invited. That's why I'm upset, it seems personal. Whilst the other couples are married, or have a child (out of wedlock), we have a mortgage, have marriage plans in the future but I am 5 years younger than him and do not want to get married until my career is fully established.

My parents said that they think he shouldn't go. I was more torn, I understood the importance of seeing his friends but also saw it as disrespectful. My DP spoke to the groom about it and how he wants me there and he just said that if they get a no RSVP I can come.
After thinking about the respect of it, my DP has agreed not to go and I said it would be fine to go on the stag as he then sees his friends, however we are on holiday then as the details have just come out.

What are your opinions, would you expect your partner to go?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 13/06/2018 17:09

Couples who get pissy if they're not both invited to everything are very tedious.

oh fgs did you even read her other posts?

ReanimatedSGB · 13/06/2018 17:10

Anyone who whines that they should be 'respected' as someone's partner is someone to avoid. Why should other people care who their mates are shagging?

Cacofonix · 13/06/2018 17:12

Really @ParellelReality. So if someone got married and invited their aunt but not their uncle due to 'numbers' the uninvited person (half of a couple) would be pissy to be put out?

Honestly this place is like a whole other dimension sometimes! In real life people invite couples to weddings.

OP you can't ask your DP not to go, you can only hope he makes the most dignified decision and if I was him I would decline and say nothing more. It does sound like this group aren't great anyway.

ALiensAbductedMe · 13/06/2018 17:13

Doesn't understand invites? It was pretty clear. I have read it all, and I still think yabu. It would be fair to be a bit disappointed, but not to check with b&g, and then ask parents, then post on here, and put partner in a difficult position. I assume you told dp what your parents said, putting pressure on him to toe the line and not go... Just let it go!

ALiensAbductedMe · 13/06/2018 17:14

@Cacofonix but you would assume aunt and uncle would both be known, they have met her once!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/06/2018 17:14

Their wedding, their choice who attends and all that but bloody hell what utter twats!

Sounds like for whatever reason they aren't keen on you OP, sorry I know that must sting.

I think I wouldn't want DH to go in your shoes, not that he would. He hates weddings 😛

Trinity66 · 13/06/2018 17:16

So if someone got married and invited their aunt but not their uncle due to 'numbers' the uninvited person (half of a couple) would be pissy to be put out?

It wouldn't be so bad if the were really tight on numbers so just invited the friends in the group and none of their partners, the bad part is that out of all the friends they decided to cut the OP which means either when they had to cut a few people they decided that they either liked her less than everyone else or just thought that her DH was the one they cared about offending the least

Cacofonix · 13/06/2018 17:18

@ALiensAbductedMe well you never know in Mumsnet world Grin

crispysausagerolls · 13/06/2018 17:18

This is bullshit. We invited everyone to our wedding with plus ones, because otherwise people get upset and excluded (and you can see why - it implies that the partner isn’t important). You’ve met them (irrelevant if once) and another girlfriend hasn’t, but is still invite? Therefore it’s complete bullshit and DP shouldn’t go.

GinGeum · 13/06/2018 17:19

To be honest, our wedding guest list isn’t a blanket ‘+1s are allowed or not’ - we’ve done it on a couple by couple basis.

Some partners we haven’t met but we’ve invited because we think we will end up being a lot more involved with them in the future.

Others we haven’t invited, for example the best man, we haven’t invited his girlfriend because we haven’t met her, she won’t really know anyone else going and we need the best man with DP and not having to be worrying about his girlfriend being on her own a lot.

DP has also not invited every girlfriend of his uni friends, because he knows those particular friends will let their hair down more on their own. It’s nothing personal against the girlfriends.

I have been to weddings without DP, and I’ve been to weddings as DP’s plus one to couples I’ve never met before. It doesn’t always have to be a personal attack on you, it is hard inviting everyone you want to, keeping numbers down and trying not to upset anyone.

Rafflesway · 13/06/2018 17:20

I agree with your DP! This IS a very definite slight and I certainly wouldn't push him to go. To me it sounds as if the groom is trying to humiliate your DP. 😡. It's hardly going to be a barrel of laughs for your DP if he goes alone as everyone else in their friendship group is coupled up. Your DP would probably feel deeply embarrassed having to constantly explain why he is the only one alone in the group. Groom knows EXACTLY what he is doing as demonstrated previously by making plans with your DP and then not turning up for no good reason.
Is he envious of your DP by any chance? Does your DP perhaps have a more successful career? just a thought

Hello just let your DP decline as I believe he has wised up to this guy. Send them a nice card wishing them all the best and then give them a very wide berth play groom at his own game but with more class.
DO NOT invite them to your wedding. You don't need people like this in your lives.

TrippingTheVelvet · 13/06/2018 17:21

OP can you clarify please; is every couple other than you and your partner either married or have kids, including the one together about a year?

soapboxqueen · 13/06/2018 17:23

I think a fair few people here are missing the point. The issue isn't a lack of invite. It's the singling out of one partner out of a group of friends.

From what the OP has said, I don't think the 'friend' holds the OPs Dp in high regard. I wouldn't want my dp to go because I wouldn't want him to be around people who treat him in that way. Though obviously I couldn't stop him from doing what ever he wants.

If I were in the dp's shoes, I wouldn't go as I would take it as a slight that my partner was the only one not invited.

Not sure why people think it's odd to talk things over with your parents.

Parker231 · 13/06/2018 17:26

Are you friends with either the bride or groom.? If not, why would you expect to go to their wedding? Of course your DP should go as his long standing friend.

Petalflowers · 13/06/2018 17:32

I would feel hurt as well. You either invite all the partners, or none.

expatinscotland · 13/06/2018 17:37

'DP has also not invited every girlfriend of his uni friends, because he knows those particular friends will let their hair down more on their own. It’s nothing personal against the girlfriends.'

That comes across as very personal, you've made a value judgement about the girlfriends there.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/06/2018 17:41

Oh he sounds like the least important of the group anyway, that explains why you haven't been invited. You said that he has been excluded from some of the group events, I think you being the only one not invited to the wedding has made the scales fall from his eyes, and see the friendship for what it is. They don't sound like a nice group of friends.

Good that he asked the groom, what is wrong with that, considering op is a long term partner, and all the others are invited. I think they invited him out of politeness.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/06/2018 17:42

I hope that he doesen't go and withdraws from this group.

ajandjjmum · 13/06/2018 17:43

I'd be upset too if you were you OP, but it sounds as if the wider dynamic is not kind to your other half anyway, and this just proves it.

Both of you move on, and make friends who are genuine, not playing childish, inconsiderate games.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/06/2018 17:49

Oh yes, the groom and friend that he considers the closest, has stood him up several times, and not invited his partner, just shows you what he thinks of your DP, op, sorry. He does not value your dp, I think its time for him to drop this lot, and find decent friends.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 13/06/2018 17:54

Either they just don't like you, or your partner is being phased out of the group. It happens, but it can feel rubbish for a while.

If they hardly see each other and are flaky about plans to meet, exclude him and so on, then they aren't close friends any more anyway, so not worth much angst.

TheActualRealCinderella · 13/06/2018 17:58

YANBU to feel hurt. They are mean.

karyatide · 13/06/2018 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatwouldbe · 13/06/2018 18:04

why does it matter what your parents think? nothing to do with them!

fuzzyfozzy · 13/06/2018 18:05

I'd be offended in that situation. My dp would make his own mind up about going but the posts about him being a lesser friend have been interesting.