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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want him to go to the wedding?

147 replies

helloworld178 · 13/06/2018 16:12

My DP has a friendship group from Uni (graduated 10 years ago), the group of friends that lives together etc have a whatsapp group. They talk randomly in it, they don't see each other much except for at weddings/stags as no one seems to make plans very often (my DP has seen them in 3.5 years at 1 wedding, 1 non wedding event, and 1 stag).

One of the men in this group who he likes has been with his partner the same amount of time as us and they got engaged earlier in the year and are marrying at the end of this year. DP has tried to meet with his guy throughout the year and seems to get stood up. I met the couple at another wedding and he seemed odd towards me but his partner and I got on well and spent a lot of time dancing. My DP and him also ended up having a laugh together.

The wedding invite came to their wedding and my DP just assumed I was invited. However the invite was just to him. He checked and as I thought I wasn't invited due to 'space'. The other people in the friendship group all have their partners invited. That's why I'm upset, it seems personal. Whilst the other couples are married, or have a child (out of wedlock), we have a mortgage, have marriage plans in the future but I am 5 years younger than him and do not want to get married until my career is fully established.

My parents said that they think he shouldn't go. I was more torn, I understood the importance of seeing his friends but also saw it as disrespectful. My DP spoke to the groom about it and how he wants me there and he just said that if they get a no RSVP I can come.
After thinking about the respect of it, my DP has agreed not to go and I said it would be fine to go on the stag as he then sees his friends, however we are on holiday then as the details have just come out.

What are your opinions, would you expect your partner to go?

OP posts:
HellenaHandbasket · 13/06/2018 16:46

They are probably closer to this other chap, so even though they haven't met his girlfriend she is more important by proxy.

It really is no biggie. Completely up to him if he goes and wouldn't bother me either way.

melonscoffer · 13/06/2018 16:47

succinct

Floeer · 13/06/2018 16:48

OP Flowers to you and your DP

I would take it personally as well being the only person left out or being the only not to be given a +1.

Seems especially odd that the G2B has been letting your DP down constantly. Suggests something isn't right between their relationship there.

Potentially the G2B feels like he has to invite DP because of the rest of the uni group but easily doesn't give a +1 because either the G2B doesn't like you or your DP so they will happily save money there.

viques · 13/06/2018 16:52

I wouldn't bother going if I were you, if they wanted you there they would have invited you, to say you can go if someone else drops out is a bit meh , it's only one day out of your entire life, if and when you and your dp plan your wedding you can decide whether it is time for payback or gracious forgiveness .Until then he goes on his own with instructions to take lots of pics so you can critique the decor and the food, and tell him he brings you back a bit of wedding cake or not to bother coming home!

Oh, and tell your parents it's none of their business, if they start sorting out the guest lists for total strangers weddings imagine how they will be when it comes to yours.......

SilverySurfer · 13/06/2018 16:52

If I had a DP I would be happy for him to go to the wedding to catch up with all his old friends. In view of having only met then once I wouldn't be bothered at all at not being invited, for whatever the reason.

You sound very young OP. Your parent's opinion on the subject is unimportant; I'm not sure why it was relevant to mention the baby born out of wedlock - what does that have to do with anything?; the bottom line is either they are short of space or they don't like you. Neither reason should scar you for life; tell your DP to stop being a wuss and go and enjoy meeting up with old friends; stop drip feeding, it doesn't change anything.

Original poster
helloworld178 · 13/06/2018 16:53

@fizzy 'Yep it's totally their decision. But also totally up to the guests to be to politely decline, espeically in this scenario.

By the way, I think it's a slight, not a deliberate 'we hate your partner' thing BUT I reckon it's more a case of they see him as easy pickings, someone they can slightly treat badly and get away with it. It's a really common dynamic and one I hate, and the past treatment of him - being stood up etc. - also points to it. Group dynamics can be poisonous - I'll bet that they're trying to cut numbers where they can, and all of the other members of that group they wouldn't dare do this to - they see them as linchpins, or more 'powerful', 'social cachet' etc bollox, or simply they don't want to fall out with them or have their noses up their arse... but your DP is someone they feel it's safe to slight, safe to look down on. Insecure twats. I've been in groups where I felt I was in that position, and although there were people I liked there and miss, it was definitely a case of needing to cut out the group.' I think you hit the nail on the head actually ...

Sorry - been together 4 years.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 13/06/2018 16:55

What does your dp want to do? If he wants to go let him go.

Are you planning on getting married? I wouldn't invite both of them to your wedding. Get your own back then. I dont really understand your upset over it. These are people you dont know and never see.

I bet your dp isnt that arsed that hes been invited on his own. He might say hes hacked off to please you. I really can't see why if youre catching up with uni mates you need to bring your gf. Try and rise above it.

Cacofonix · 13/06/2018 16:56

Shit no! I know Mumsnet trots out the 'their wedding, their rules' and I do agree to a certain extent but you do not invite a person without their long term partner. Who the fuck thinks that is ok? Especially if all other partners are invited.

OP had I been in your situation my DP (now DH) would have refused to go and declined politely. It is a snub and I wouldn't take it and neither would my DH in those circumstances.

At our wedding we had a few partners we had only met once. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to not invite someone's other half.

MarthasGinYard · 13/06/2018 16:57

'My DP spoke to the groom about it and how he wants me there and he just said that if they get a no RSVP I can come. '

I'm really cringing for you

Why on earth did he ask?

Original poster
helloworld178 · 13/06/2018 16:58

Thanks for all of your opinions, I do appreciate them.

My DP was upset in more of a 'hmm why me' way. Then a few more things have happened (group discussions about events he hasn't been asked to) and so I think it's started to irritate him more.

My parents are involved because I absolutely adore them. My mum is the most amazing woman and my absolute best friend, I appreciate her opinion and when I'm upset, she is who I call.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 13/06/2018 16:58

Weren't you annoyed that he asked?

dancerdog · 13/06/2018 16:59

Surprised at the responses here - not sure everyone has really read the OP's posts.

Anyway, I'm would not expect my partner to go, and I know he would not go in the circumstances described.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 13/06/2018 17:00

I cannot control whether or not he goes. I would prefer him not to, but I was looking for opinions on how other people would feel and react in the same situation

Why do you prefer him not to? That seems childish to me.
I would be happy for him to go or not go, as he chose - I think you are over-invested in the whole thing.

chattykathyblue100 · 13/06/2018 17:00

YANBU - this is a slight against you and/or your DP and he's decided not to go - good on him for supporting you! There's no way I would go if my DH wasn't invited as well. And the cheek of the Groom - 'you can go if someone drops out' - fuck that!

Original poster
helloworld178 · 13/06/2018 17:00

@marthas Basically, my DP doesn't understand invites and didn't think that just his name on the invite meant that I wasn't invited, so kept saying to me I was. I told him to check. He messaged the groom and he eventually responded saying 'no sorry, no room but if there's a no RSVP which there always will be, she's first on the list'

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 13/06/2018 17:02

'I told him to check.'

Why?

It sounds so like a desperate hankering for an invite.

Gemini69 · 13/06/2018 17:02

OP they sound like people you and your partner are way better off without.. they're not friends OP.. go forth and be happy without these people... Grin Flowers

p.s. your Mum sounds great Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 13/06/2018 17:02

It is rude, if all the other partners have been invited, I would feel hurt, and relay that to dp, and but leave it up to him whether he goes (hope that he does not!). I would not invite the wife of the friend to the wedding either.

expatinscotland · 13/06/2018 17:03

This wouldn't bother me. No idea why you're putting off marriage, though.

Trinity66 · 13/06/2018 17:04

I am the only one not invited - another guy in the friendship group has been with his girlfriend less than a year and they've never met her but she is invited...

wow, that's really insulting and rude then. Did he give a reason why all the other friends partners have been invited except you? "numbers" isn't really an answer if you're literally the only one of them left out

ParellelReality · 13/06/2018 17:04

Couples who get pissy if they're not both invited to everything are very tedious.

Piffle11 · 13/06/2018 17:05

If you don't want your OH to go because you haven't been invited, then I think YABU. If you don't want him to go because you feel they treat him like a 2nd class friend, then YANBU. Ultimately it has to be his decision - you don't want him to miss it and then regret it (and perhaps blaming your influence) so I would take a step back and let him decide. But if what you say is right, then they all sound like crap friends anyway and I would be glad not to have to go! And of course when you get married you could always just invite the groom!

expatinscotland · 13/06/2018 17:06

'Then a few more things have happened (group discussions about events he hasn't been asked to) and so I think it's started to irritate him more.'

It's probably time to move on from this friendship group. After reading this post, if I were your partner I'd decline the invitation and start distancing myself from these people.

Saves money, too, you don't have to give them a gift then (or hand them money if they're asking people to fund their honeymoon).

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 13/06/2018 17:07

Upset because you've not been invited to a wedding of a person you have met once? YABVU.

You should have told him to go and enjoy, crying so that he rsvps no is very controlling. You might be dating but he is allowed to do things alone and his friends don't have to invite you to anything, do you never leave his side?

RaggedyAndy · 13/06/2018 17:08

Their wedding, their invite list, their decision.

Obviously. But in this case I think their decision is rude, particularly as they have invited the partner of a friend they haven't even met yet,