Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have pointed out how long it is since I have had an orgasm

142 replies

Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 13/06/2018 08:03

With DH
We were cuddling this morning and I mentioned later on tonight it might be nice if we have sex and he pleasures me. Worded this as in I want him to do all sorts of nice things to me. When he said maybe if you get lucky I said “do you know the last time I came with you was when we were away 7 months ago.
He is now pissed I have been “counting” and he cant believe it’s been that long. I said we have had sex but you have finished and then always said you were too tired to carry on with me (never been able to climax during intercourse)
It’s true though when we have sex he is then too tired after and practically falls asleep. When we are having foreplay he just wants to get to the intercourse part as soon as possible.
I haven’t been counting I just remember the last time was when we were away and that was not great to be honest. I did climax but only just.
Think his ego is a bit bruised now but I am not going to hide the fact from him it has been that long. He has always been a bit selfish in bed to be honest and when he is doing things to me he will ruin it quite often by making a silly voice or stupid joke.

I just want to feel desired

OP posts:
ilovewelshrarebit123 · 13/06/2018 14:57

I'm in a fairly new relationship (2 months), I also don't orgasm through intercourse but he always makes sure I do before he does.

Your DH is a selfish shit and I'd stop shagging him until he changes his ways.

DashingRed · 13/06/2018 15:00

Jokes and silly voices? God, no wonder you can't orgasm.

The man has no idea what he's doing.

crispysausagerolls · 13/06/2018 15:02

It’s just the sex part

Sounds like the sex part is important to you though! As it is to most people, so no "just" about it. The old "the reason I don't is because..." chestnut eh? You need to have a serious discussion as this is just in general a highly unacceptable situation.

BlueSapp · 13/06/2018 15:02

Actions speak louder than words, OP don't put up with this any longer!

steff13 · 13/06/2018 15:35

I now understand that most women orgasm through clitoral stimulation. My problem is, (and I'm certain I'm not alone) is that I'm not 100% certain a) exactly where the clitorus is. b) if what I'm doing is of any use.

The clitoris isn't difficult to find. But if you aren't sure where it is, why don't you ask her. You could also ask her if what you're doing feels good, is working, etc.

TheFifthKey · 13/06/2018 15:37

This thread in interesting me - I came out of a basically sexless marriage and have blamed myself for ages because it was me who didn’t want sex, would go to bed at a different time to avoid it, hated the thought of it, never initiated...but I do have a high sex drive! So that didn’t make sense.

Now I realise it was exH - yes to feeling silly if I dressed up, the daft voices, jokes and comments, being made to feel silly for being turned on or wanting sex. He hated hearing anything about casual sex, especially women sleeping around, and that I’d had sex with someone other than him. So I really think my feelings were just a protective reaction to his attitude. It’s certainly not how I’ve been with partners since we separated!

annandale · 13/06/2018 15:39

Sex therapy exists and can be brilliant but it sounds like he would consider it an insult even to discuss it.

The only comfort perhaps to know that this isn't OK or even particularly normal. I don't see what you can do though apart from set some boundaries - like the silly voices have to stop; I can imagine the jokes might be OK if they weren't designed to hide his discomfort with actually doing the sex. It sounds as if he has a rather low libido with major hangups on top.

I wouldn't give up yet. Maybe just couples therapy if sex therapy is going to make him clutch his pearls [my assumption].

Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 13/06/2018 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YeahCorvid · 13/06/2018 16:14

@TheFifthKey - yes yes this is me exactly. Very occasionally ex would make a drunken attempt to initiate sex which I always rejected as I felt so inhibited after all the times I'd been made to feel stupid - not just about sex actually but including being laughed at during sex. Then I would beat myself up about the lack of physical, sexual, emotional intimacy - intimacy which I so desperately craved.

Since we separated, my old friendships have deepened and warmed and I find myself having lovely long honest emotional conversations like I used to with friends when I was younger. At the same time I have met new people and have sexual encounters with people who treat me with respect and, yes, intimacy. It's absolutely lovely to feel emotionally and sexually alive again. The tragedy is that ex wanted only that, in theory, and just had no self awareness about how toxic his belittling and sniggering attitude was. I was always trying to push through it and be tough enough to take it; but I couldn't be tough and be open.

So yeah it's a lot bigger than sex, though sex itself is not trivial.

I wrote in my diary after my separation "I will never excite a man again" - I remembered times before I met ex when men really wanted me and I wanted them and it was so exciting and I was sure it was consigned to the past. The way things are panning out now, that note seems so tragic and yet also very hilariously mistaken. There is excitement out there, there is joy, there is intimacy, there is respect

Ifonlyfor1day · 13/06/2018 16:26

If he was shocked was he unaware, either way it is not fair on you.

Without been vulger, Invest in a wireless vibration massager wand, they are amazing for helping you ejaculate, like never before Grin

They are great for distressing and work well on muscle pain anyway a massager.

LiteraryDevil1 · 13/06/2018 16:33

So he's selfish and crap in bed and somehow that's your fault? What an immature twat. You deserve better than that!

TheFifthKey · 13/06/2018 16:42

YeahCorvid - I remember thinking that I’d never be kissed passionately again, and it was so heartbreaking and demoralising. And then to think that the one person who should desire you just...-doesn’t....ugh.

I remember once buying some nice underwear and surprising him with it. And he made some remark about how I was already turned on. He’d probably claim to this day that it wasn’t sarcastic or a put down, but meant as a compliment - I can’t remember the exact words but I remember the feeling of embarrassment that I’d somehow done not the right thing? I’ve since experienced similar remarks but very, very sincerely meant from other men and they felt hugely flattering and exciting, so it wasn’t the actual comment. You just know, somehow, if you’re a disappointment or a letdown. And that destroys you.

SoyDora · 13/06/2018 16:55

I now understand that most women orgasm through clitoral stimulation. My problem is, (and I'm certain I'm not alone) is that I'm not 100% certain a) exactly where the clitorus is. b) if what I'm doing is of any use

Has your DW never guided you towards it? Does she not let you know if what you are doing is ‘of any use’ or not? It sounds like better communication is needed in your marriage, for both your sakes! DH only had one sexual partner before me so isn’t the most experienced, but communication has meant that we have a fantastic sex life.

OP like many others on this thread I don’t orgasm through PIV. I generally orgasm first, and if I don’t then DH wouldn’t dream of just rolling over when he was finished, however tired he was.
It sounds like your partner has some deep rooted issues around sex.

MrsMozart · 13/06/2018 16:55

What is with these papers just taking from this site?! Is it some sort of agreed symbiotic arrangement?

annandale · 13/06/2018 17:00

I have to say there are millions of female sexual anatomy pictures on the internet, and many of them deign to include the clitoris (not all of them I have to say Angry) so not knowing where the clitoris is at least in theory suggests not really giving a crap.

CourtneyLovely · 13/06/2018 17:48

So firstly, the scum sun are a big pile of cunts.

Secondly, it sounds like your DH has some major issues and I think he probably feels that making you orgasm using his hand/mouth etc is dirty: playing with you is dirty. He needs some sort of therapy.

Thirdly, yy to no PIV until I've orgasmed at least once, preferably more.

And finally I don't think I type the word orgasm enough because my predictive text changed it to "oh gas meter" 😄

annandale · 13/06/2018 17:51

Oh don't Courtney. My phone changes sex to sextet. Every. Single. Time. Because that's a word in frequent use of course.

Emmasmum2013 · 13/06/2018 18:36

Jesus, the Sun! The article really paints us all in a fantastic light as well.

How can they get away with just using threads on here for shit articles??

It's so crap, and it usually means that the thread on here gets pulled when in reality, some of the advice given could genuinely help other people in the future who might have the same issues.

welshmist · 13/06/2018 19:09

forums are cheap fodder for the media. Today we are in the Daily Mail, Daily Star, Sun, Mirror, Birmingham live, Guardian, in fact all these papers quote us a lot looking online. (rolls eyes)

ifeelsoverycheated · 13/06/2018 20:38

@Uyulala snap.

But my DH is also shit in bed. Doesn’t seem bothered about me and only cares about his own pleasure. Not in a horribly selfish way, more in a hasn't got a fucking clue way!

I didn't realise until it was too late. He won't respond to any talk about it. I don't think he knows how to even talk about it. I feel so resentful, which I know won’t help. I have resorted to getting my kicks elsewhere. Mostly by creating a fantasy life for myself online, where I ‘do’ things that I know would disgust my husband. And they aren’t even that far from vanilla.

I feel so cheated.

Original poster
Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 14/06/2018 10:08

Bloody Sun. Think I am going to ask mumsnet to delete this. Thanks to all the advice though

OP posts:
Original poster
Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 14/06/2018 10:14

I deleted my account last time because the fail picked something up. Never though the papers would report on this though.

OP posts:
SurreyDadV · 14/06/2018 11:56

annandale - I have to say there are millions of female sexual anatomy pictures on the internet, and many of them deign to include the clitoris (not all of them I have to say angry) so not knowing where the clitoris is at least in theory suggests not really giving a crap.

You are correct, loads of books and pictures - doesn't help me in bed with DW. I can't compare what's in the books / pictures with real life - would you allow your oh to do so?

Actually, I do give a HUGE crap that I'm not able to better satisfy my DW.

I know in theory where it is, but in practice I struggle to find it but I'm keen to learn

Yes I let her guide me, but I still feel I'm "in the area", but not "on the button" :)

Needtobehumanagain · 14/06/2018 12:25

Surrey dad... its really not as hard as you think. Its not hiding