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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have pointed out how long it is since I have had an orgasm

142 replies

Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 13/06/2018 08:03

With DH
We were cuddling this morning and I mentioned later on tonight it might be nice if we have sex and he pleasures me. Worded this as in I want him to do all sorts of nice things to me. When he said maybe if you get lucky I said “do you know the last time I came with you was when we were away 7 months ago.
He is now pissed I have been “counting” and he cant believe it’s been that long. I said we have had sex but you have finished and then always said you were too tired to carry on with me (never been able to climax during intercourse)
It’s true though when we have sex he is then too tired after and practically falls asleep. When we are having foreplay he just wants to get to the intercourse part as soon as possible.
I haven’t been counting I just remember the last time was when we were away and that was not great to be honest. I did climax but only just.
Think his ego is a bit bruised now but I am not going to hide the fact from him it has been that long. He has always been a bit selfish in bed to be honest and when he is doing things to me he will ruin it quite often by making a silly voice or stupid joke.

I just want to feel desired

OP posts:

Firesuit · 13/06/2018 08:35

I said we have had sex but you have finished and then always said you were too tired to carry on with me (never been able to climax during intercourse)

I would be astounded if it's a common thing for men to carry on after they've finished, given the effect of various hormones released, which do induce extreme drowsiness. On the other hand I think believe it's very common for women not to get orgasms from PIV. If I'm right about both, I'd assume that the sensible approach is that he doesn't get started until you're finished. It would be completely reasonable to make that a condition.

elephantscanring · 13/06/2018 08:38

when he is doing things to me he will ruin it quite often by making a silly voice or stupid joke.

What a monumental turn-off. Try using his dick as a microphone nwxt time you're down there - after he has given you lots of orgasms, of course - and see how he likes it.

7 months - selfish twat! Never mind his ego being hurt, how about your feelings?

elephantscanring · 13/06/2018 08:40

Agree with others - you come first before PIV. But from your later posts, it sounds like he just doesn't like sex much? Doesn't like you wearing sexy underwear? My dh would kill for me to do that - and I am no oil painting, believe me.

I'd also get a vibrator.

mydietstartsmonday · 13/06/2018 08:44

If you want something done do it yourself!

It might make him buck his ideas up!

OhBergine · 13/06/2018 08:46

I don't understand how he could treat you like that if he really cared about you. He must know he's been leaving you unsatisfied?! He sounds so, so selfish. Not attractive at all.

Singlenotsingle · 13/06/2018 08:47

Isn't there a gadget called a Rampant Rabbit? It doesn't argue or make smartass comments, and just does the job. It won't give you a cuddle afterwards though!

Branleuse · 13/06/2018 08:49

wanking is not the answer to crap sex. Its a completely different thing.
I enjoy a wank as much as the next person, but if I had to do it after every sex session because my partner wouldnt even try to satisfy me, then id soon get bored of being a cum receptacle rather than having a mutually pleasurable experience.

Balaboosteh · 13/06/2018 08:54

This is such a common situation. So many men like this. Why don’t people I understand the need to put on a good show in bed?! So many marriages are like this. Have an affair. You would be entirely justified.

MrsMozart · 13/06/2018 08:54

Bugger that for a bunch of bananas.

Either he's the most selfish nasty twunt ever (those comments are crass and designed to belittle), or he needs to see a therapist to work through whatever his issues are.

Jammycustard · 13/06/2018 08:54

I agree wanking isn’t the answer. A mutually enjoyable sex is important to a relationship.

Babdoc · 13/06/2018 08:55

It sounds like sex has become a fraught battleground, with too many big issues getting in the way of a good outcome for either of you.
I’d suggest banning piv for a couple of weeks, and instead work on your sensate focus. In other words, take it in turns to explore each other’s skin surface, tell each other what feels good and what doesn’t, without any pressure to provide orgasms.
Encourage your DH to find the right way to stimulate you, then in the second week he can use his new found techniques to practise giving you an orgasm without piv. Once he’s got the hang of all that, he can then do this regularly before having his own orgasm in the conventional manner.
I would also strongly recommend that you practise masturbation so you can give yourself an orgasm whenever needed - particularly if you find it helpful with your chronic pain problem.
Good luck, OP. I think you two just need to work all this through without a lot of blame and recrimination. Resentment is a total killer of desire.

critiqueofeveryday · 13/06/2018 09:01

"I would be astounded if it's a common thing for men to carry on after they've finished, given the effect of various hormones released, which do induce extreme drowsiness"

Seriously? I've never found this to be a problem with any partner!!

OP - I think he needs to get over his ego and realise that he needs to up his game in the sack!

ReanimatedSGB · 13/06/2018 09:02

I agree with PP that wanking will help with the chronic pain. However, it won't help with the fact that your P is lazy and selfish about sex. Was he always useless at it, or has he changed since you had DC? Some men are very hung up on the madonna/whore divide and a woman who has children is seen as too 'pure' for sex.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 13/06/2018 09:07

He sounds awful, sorry. Bad enough that he is happy to take his own pleasure and then nod off without realising that he needs to put you first in that case, but everything you've said afterwards about his attitude stinks. On heat? The fucker.

Given how selfish he is in bed, I'm going to make a leap and assume he's not the world's best husband in other ways either. Seriously, have a long hard think about what sort of man gets defensive and humiliates his DW when she talks to him about wanting more sex.

Racecardriver · 13/06/2018 09:08

In your place I would just sort out orgasms yourself. He clearly has Ishooos about sex.

shiklah · 13/06/2018 09:10

"On Heat" WTF?!

MysweetAudrina · 13/06/2018 09:11

I don't come through penetrative sex but every single time we have sex my dh makes sure I come before he does. At the very start of our relationship he just assumed I came through sex and about 6 months into it I told him I didn't. His ego took a bit of a hit and he tried to blame me and tell me I wasn't normal but I think he was just remembering all the other sex he had in his life and probably realising that all the other women weren't that satisfied by his thrusting away thinking they were in ecstasy. It took a while for him to learn how to help me along but once he got the hang of it he started getting more pleasure out of being able to make me orgasm than he did out of his own.

Sex should be mutually satisfying or else one person is just being used. Does he lack confidence do you think? and doesn't want to admit it. Either way I wouldn't be letting him inside me until I was sure that my needs were being met.

Balaboosteh · 13/06/2018 09:11

I actually believe this to be the case about the vast majority of men and marriages. Am surprised that more pp aren’t raising their hands to admit this. It’s the elephant in the room as far as I’m concerned - in the struggle for female equality. So I’ll be the first to get this out there: #metoo.
(Well, when I was married that is. Now I’m not my sex life is brilliant and doesn’t always rely on men - although believe me women can be crap in bed too )

Inmyvestandpants · 13/06/2018 09:11

You were probably unwise to bring up your lack of satisfaction during the moment you did (when you were both contemplating sex) - that was bound to make him feel knocked back and defensive (same as you feel when he makes a silly comment during foreplay). I think you should try to talk about this in the cold light of day, when sex isn't on the agenda but you can both be unemotional and frank about it. You should also make sure you let him know all the things you do appreciate about him, and that you want to make things better in the bedroom for the sake of your relationship.

Maybe he has issues from his past (abuse or pornography use) that have affected his ability to relate sexually to you?

This is too important an issue to sweep under the carpet. If he is willing, definitely seek some form of counselling together.

2LitreBottle · 13/06/2018 09:13

when we have sex he is then too tired after and practically falls asleep. When we are having foreplay he just wants to get to the intercourse part as soon as possible Those two things are not compatible - he needs to realise that PIV waits until you're ready.

Not wishing to rub it in, but my DP will spent 30-40 mins pleasuring me before he gets to the bit where it's all about him. He knows full well he is useless afterwards so he puts in the effort when it's needed. Very occasionally we will try and do things out of turn but then we remember why it doesn't work!

Your H is not the only man who falls asleep pretty much straight away, it's a well known phenomenon. However, many (I don't know about most) men will take steps to make sure their partner is satisfied first to prevent exactly this problem. Either your H didn't get the memo, or he doesn't give a shit about your orgasm. Sadly your updates make it sound more likely its the latter.

Curlywurlywurly · 13/06/2018 09:15

Make sure that you orgasm first then.

midnightmisssuki · 13/06/2018 09:15

he actually said you 'were on heat'? WHAT!??!?!?!?!?!?!??! Who says that to thier partners?! Sorry but i would have a big deal about this. Im not a dog. I am not 'on heat!'! How rude!

MinaPaws · 13/06/2018 09:17

are we on heat? - what a repulsive thing to say. It suggests he thinks it's improper for woem to have sexual desire. Sounds like he (rightly?) doubts his own ability sexually and covers this up by putting you down for having any feelings at all. He needs to sort out his attitude and his technique.

Emmasmum2013 · 13/06/2018 09:19

I've had a partner a bit like this too.
He never liked sexy underwear or anything like that as it was a it too much pressure for him. His reaction to things like that just made me feel a bit shit too. And like I was being silly and embarrassing.

I think you need to have a chat with him and suggest that you both make an effort to have sex more. Really make an effort to do it once a night.. just for a week. I know that sounds like loads, and it might seem like a chore at first. But honestly, the more you do it, the more you want it. And you'll both soon get bored of doing the same things every time and start exploring new things in bed.

Suggest it to him and see what he says. If he totally rejects the idea then ask him what would make it better for him and more comfortable. He might not like sexy underwear but hopefully there will be something he can tell you that will be willing to do that can get him excited about the idea.

And ALWAYS make sure you get yours before PIV. Don't let him just stop and climb aboard. Say no!

amusedbush · 13/06/2018 09:25

My DH has absolutely no sex drive due to various mental health issues and hasn't for a long long long long time.

I can thoroughly recommend the magic wand from Love Honey. Get the one that plugs into the mains and thank me later.

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