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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have pointed out how long it is since I have had an orgasm

142 replies

Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 13/06/2018 08:03

With DH
We were cuddling this morning and I mentioned later on tonight it might be nice if we have sex and he pleasures me. Worded this as in I want him to do all sorts of nice things to me. When he said maybe if you get lucky I said “do you know the last time I came with you was when we were away 7 months ago.
He is now pissed I have been “counting” and he cant believe it’s been that long. I said we have had sex but you have finished and then always said you were too tired to carry on with me (never been able to climax during intercourse)
It’s true though when we have sex he is then too tired after and practically falls asleep. When we are having foreplay he just wants to get to the intercourse part as soon as possible.
I haven’t been counting I just remember the last time was when we were away and that was not great to be honest. I did climax but only just.
Think his ego is a bit bruised now but I am not going to hide the fact from him it has been that long. He has always been a bit selfish in bed to be honest and when he is doing things to me he will ruin it quite often by making a silly voice or stupid joke.

I just want to feel desired

OP posts:

Chocmallows · 13/06/2018 09:26

Do you think you may have a mismatch in libido too?
Sorry if this sounds harse, but it sounds like he's jumping to the end as is not really bothered... doesn't get turned on by you or by the thought of sex, basically is just using you for ejaculation.

The lack of sexual desire would bother me the most and I wouldn't like to feel as though I had to persuade someone to find me desirable. To me you sound normal btw, it sounds as though something isn't working for him and as though he is actively avoiding facing a problem.

XiCi · 13/06/2018 09:27

If you don't come with piv then he needs to bring you to orgasm first. He will be well aware of this if he is a long term partner so to not make any effort to satisfy you for 7 months is really fucking selfish. And him sulking because you brought it to his attention is shit too.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 13/06/2018 09:32

He has issues. My husband has the same. Temperamental about sex: has to be the right time, not when tired, not when, not then. Unimaginative in bed, lack of foreplay etc. I understand what other posters have asked which is 'does he like sex?'. I find my husband has very poor sexual knowledge (even down to periods/fertility). I think mine is inhibited on some level. It makes for a terrible lover.

Dulra · 13/06/2018 09:33

Has this been an issue before? The reason I ask is that you mention your dh's reaction to the effort you were making as him feeling it was all too intense. I have no doubt your dh is well aware of the issues in the bedroom but is sticking his head in the sand because he finds addressing them too difficult. I don't think other people calling him names and selfish is helpful. I think you both need to discuss this rationally and not during the act or straight after but at a different time entirely. Address it like you would with any problem you are having in your marriage. Me and dh did struggle sexually for a while problem was mainly with me I had 3 kids in very close succession and also suffered from pnd our sex life took a nosedive. Dh was very patient but after years his patience did start to wear thin, I just bottled it all up couldn't talk about it didn't want to address it and just ignored it so it all became the elephant in the room. Thankfully I eventually managed to relax and get back to where we used to be but it took a lot of effort for me to do that and patience and understanding from my dh. Sex is a very emotional act and I think going in negatively is going to make the other person retreat in the opposite direction

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 13/06/2018 09:35

I would be astounded if it's a common thing for men to carry on after they've finished, given the effect of various hormones released, which do induce extreme drowsiness

What a bunch of bollocks. Orgasms make ME extremely drowsy (and undoubtedly many other women too), but shockingly, when DH hasn't had his yet, I hang in there until he has. I wouldn't WANT to go to sleep leaving him there frustrated beside me. Or are only women capable of overcoming sleepiness?

On the rare occasion DH hasn't already got me off at least once by the time he's come, he will absolutely make sure he does me the courtesy before he sleeps. Don't accept low standards in bed.

Gentlygrowingoldermale · 13/06/2018 09:36

everyone except school boys knew that?

I wish! It broke my first marriage, but first OH didn't tell me until it was too late - by then she didn't love me anymore.

However, the person who I later married had no such qualms. I learnt very quickly, and it should be on the cover of every manual, if a man is unselfish in bed he will get so much more pleasure. And so it proved. Big smile!

If he's worth keeping you'll need to talk. Best of luck.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/06/2018 09:48

Have you ever seen a porn film? In how many of those did the man make sure the woman had orgasmed before he climbed aboard and started pumping? And in how many did the woman, once the man was aboard and pumping, make orgasm faces and noises and give every indication that her entire being revolved around his enormous cock inside some orifice and it was giving her the MOST pleasure?

That's how most men learn about sex. That's why they think all women come through PIV, that women LOVE men's cocks in their faces and anuses, and all women should be smooth and hairless and totally flexible.

Sex ed classes might just as well not exist for boys. Stick them in front of 'Cum Dancing' - it's all they will take notice of.

Tambien · 13/06/2018 10:01

Well at the same time, does he SEE that the OP didn’t get an orgasm? Is it really that hard to see that he can miss it?
I mean it’s not as if the OP never had an orgasm with him.

I think the main issue for me is his reaction and how defensive, aggressive he is when the OP is pointing out a FACT. (And very diplomatically too).

Shoxfordian · 13/06/2018 10:16

Really though why would you marry someone who doesn't care about whether you have an orgasm or not? Why would you marry someone so selfish in bed?

Uyulala · 13/06/2018 10:18

My DP never makes me orgasm. In fact, no man ever has. Even when they try their hardest. I have to do it myself.

Uyulala · 13/06/2018 10:22

Fucking yes!! They genuinely believe that PIV is "The Sex" and what women all love. If you ask them for something else, they often end up with "oh my dick isn't good enough". Boo fucking hoo.

If the man comes and the woman doesn't, the woman fucked him.

Uyulala · 13/06/2018 10:24

I had an ex who would tell me that it was my fault I couldn't come from PIV, he's never had this problem with any other female, it's just cos I'm a slag and had so much dick that I'm desensitised apparently.

Original poster

Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 13/06/2018 10:36

Thanks for the advice. My inlaws are both very prudish as is my SIL. I think my DH was almost brought up to think sex is dirty.

I think I do turn him on, he asked me to do a strip about a year ago and I did and he was so into it and then like a switch flicking it’s like he suddenly felt ashamed.
He doest watch porn believe me I have checked and he is crap at hiding stuff so I would know. He also says he never had a wank before he met me at the age of 22, at first I though yeah right but now I believe him.

OP posts:

buttyblahblah · 13/06/2018 10:39

I have this issue too and need to talk to DH about it.

Can I just ask the practicalities, so if you have an orgasm first, do you then go straight to PVI? The one time we did it this way I just felt like a wank sock, I'd need to start from the beginning again and get aroused again before PVI.

TBH I'd rather just not bother but the sad face and passive aggressive remarks are a bit wearing.

Also, how do I raise the issue as it seems he has no idea what's wrong.

Chocmallows · 13/06/2018 10:40

He never had a walk before 22!

He probably needs some therapy to work through the guilt he associates with sexual pleasure.

Chocmallows · 13/06/2018 10:41

Wank not walk!

Emmasmum2013 · 13/06/2018 10:43

@Uyulala That sounds absolutely terrible and I'm so sorry that you had to hear something as nasty as that.

I do have to stick up for blokes though and say that they're not all like that. Some are really attentive to a woman's needs and pay attention when you say what they like/don't like and take pleasure themselves in bringing you to climax. They don't all use porn as an instructional video.

It can take a while for some partners "synchronise" and by that I mean learn what each other likes and make it seem natural.

I think OP needs to be more assertive. 7 months without saying a thing is not good. And while its easy to say " well he needs to do x y and z and he's so selfish", it takes 2 to tango. You've got to work together.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/06/2018 10:46

He might not watch porn now, but it's when they are young that their so-called 'education' starts. Kids are watching it as teenagers and thinking 'yep, right, I know what to do now' and a lot of them don't bother taking anything further on board. It's all about the thrusting for hours and hours (boring and painful if you're the woman).

Some of them are fine, sure. But it's increasingly common for men to think that women are all like what they've seen in the videos...

Emmasmum2013 · 13/06/2018 10:49

I think a therapist might be a good idea as well.. that's if you talking to him and trying some new things doesn't help. He may not go for it at all though, because he'd have to admit he has a problem first.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/06/2018 10:49

Jesus what a load of bloody horrible selfish crap in bed men.

OP there's no way I would want to have sex with someone who took the piss like that. Especially if we both knew it was actually coming from a big fat room of his own labelled 'SEXUAL INADEQUACY AND A FUCKTON OF HANGUPS'

What a loser.

His ego is bruised, is it?

Good.

If you can be bothered, counselling. If you can't, show the twat this thread - he deserves it.

2blueshoes · 13/06/2018 11:05

Glad you bought it up with him op, never mind his bruised ego. I have trouble having an orgasm during piv, I thought this was quite a common thing with women. There are other ways he can he make you climax and it's worth talking about how he can make that happen.

One way that's helped us is the tiny vibrators, used during piv, a bit awkward at first, finding a good position, but does the job for both parties, so to speak. Worth a try?

I think falling to sleep after make ejaculation is fairly common as well, so it's best to make sure you don't lose out before hand.

Ps. How on earth would you manage kitchen table sex when he comes in from work, with a four year old around?

Voice0fReason · 13/06/2018 11:07

I just feel he can’t be bothered
You're right, he can't. He is lazy and selfish. He thinks you should be grateful for having the pleasure of his penis and his orgasm and wanting your own orgasm is too demanding of you.

I would be astounded if it's a common thing for men to carry on after they've finished, given the effect of various hormones released, which do induce extreme drowsiness
Never, is the past 25 years of marriage, has my DH rolled over and fallen asleep before ensuring that I am also satisfied. It is inexcusable. Orgasm might make men sleepy, it doesn't anaesthetise them!

Branleuse · 13/06/2018 11:13

my so always makes me come even if he's already finished. Surely it's basic sexual etiquette

angelichosts · 13/06/2018 11:19

I think my husband was brought up to see sex as something we don't talk about. He's never masturbated or watched porn and although I know he wants me to be sexually satisfied, he is very limited in what he is comfortable doing.

His only other sexual partner had big issues (she had been raped previously) and at one point went berzerk after / during sex so I'm sure this is also part of the problem. We have talked about it a bit but never really progressed much.

I guess I've largely accepted this but sometimes wish it was different. I used to love oral but this is off limits now. I do sometimes orgasm a bit, if I help myself along but it is not the same as lying back and being pleasured.

Failingat40 · 13/06/2018 11:19

Haha he's been told he's crap in bed!

He shouldn't get near you with his penis until he has shown you the attention you deserve first!!

He's using you like a wank cloth.

No more sex until he 'gets it'.

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